Seeking Advice for Issue with 14 Yr Old

I used to worry about my parents finances too when I was young. I would always hear them talking about 'getting on their feet'. To this day, I really don't know what they meant but I would assume they were talking about credit cards. I would become very stressed about going out to dinner. My fear being that they wouldn't be able to pay the bill. I would always save whatever money I had and take it with us...just in case.

I can't imagine why she would be so emotional about finances but its excellent that she is so aware of how much trips to the movies and such cost. (maybe its the news, its so depressing!)

Its never a bad time for kids to learn to be frugal :) If she is this concerned, it is an excellent opportunity to teach her to save. Maybe open a savings account and deposit the money she normally would have spent on lotion and other stuff. Once she sees her savings grow, maybe it will put her mind at ease.

Hi S. -

I have a 15 year old son and I asked him if he worries about money issues. He said most kids his age do not, but he does because he knows that money is tight for me (single parent). I never shared financial info with his older sister (she's 20) and his younger brother (14) doesn't seem to pay attention, because I didn't think it concerned them. Now I'm rethinking that. I don't think they have to know particulars but I do think that it's important they learn how expensive some things are and when they want something bad enough, they are going to have to find a way to contribute or earn the money to buy it themselves. So I've come to the conclusion that by sharing financial information I can hopefully teach them to appreciate what they have.

I hope this helps.

Share your finances with your daughter and let her have some input on the budget. It sounds like she has some great ideas already about only spending money on what's important. I'm impressed that she is able to recognize a need from a want. Most teenagers, heck most adults, aren't disciplined enough to be able to distinguish that like she can. Anyways, like you said, you aren't spending money you can't afford to spend, but it will be very comforting for her to see that on paper and it will teach her money management skills to be a part of it. Making her aware should help her feel more control. And if things really are unsure financially as far as the future with your job goes, then I suggest you follow her advice and cut back on spending. Both you and she will feel much more secure having a nice savings if something should happen with your job. And the peace that brings isn't worth anything money can buy.

I think it has a lot to do with our economy right now. My 9 year old worries about the same stuff, and although she wants things, she will pass them up or make similar statements to your 14yo. Children are just more aware of the world around them today. I don't know if there is a way to completely get rid of her anxiety, but maybe you could sit down with her and just discuss the issue more in depth. Maybe between the two of you you can agree that X amount of dollars can go towards fun stuff each week or month without having to worry. Maybe if she knows that this is already budgeted, she wont worry so much.

Bravo! It sounds like you are raising a compassionate and responsible teenager! It is great that she sees the value of a dollar and is willing to make concessions to help the family.

I understand that you don't want her to worry about things before she has to, but this is a valuable time for her to see how you do handle a possible financial crisis and prepare for a potential job loss. Don't shelter her from it. Perhaps you should open it all up to her. If things are fine, show her that they are so that she will see that there is extra money for a goody now and then.

My 17 year old knows every thing about our families finaces, right down to the interest rate on our credit card. We recently put him in charge of the family back to school clothing shopping. We gave him the alloted buget for all 4 kids and he sat down with them and figured out the best way to make it stretch. He did a great job and everyone got 3-4 new outfits, new shoes and accessories for what most people spend on one child.

I know most parents are more comfortable talking about anything (even sex) rather than discuss family finances with their children but I think teaching about money (even if you have made terrible mistakes with it) only serves to help our children. I don't think there is a kid/parent line when it comes to money. They need to see how you handle it, even if you make a mistake or two once in awhile.

We made pretty ridiculous desisions about our student loans 20 years ago and my son has watched us struggle to pay off a huge aount of debt because of it. I garantee he will not make the same mistake and he also knows why we won't be taking out loans for his education and has planned other alternatives. This taught him that the choices he makes as a young adult really do impact his future financial health.

Good luck! I hope all works out with your job!

This is actually a good time to teach her about money. I was about this age when my parent started teaching me. I think its good that she understands the value of money.

My parents actually allowed me to take part in some financial issues, making me feel like I had some input in family decisions. They started by giving me a budget and a grocery list and sending me to the store. I had to be able to stay within budget and buy what we needed. They then started allowing me to help balance the checkbook. When I turned 16, we opened a checking account together. My parents didn't do this with my brother, he is 37 and still can't handle money.

Give your daughter more credit. Watching you struggle will help her as she gets older and understand that life is not so easy. She can still be a kid, but I think its great that she isn't self-centered like many teenagers and is thinking about her family first. You have done a great job raising her. I think she will become a very independent, self-sufficient, successful adult.

My 13 and 14 year old are very aware of our finances and times are tough for just about anyone. It is actually a very important time for our young people to be learning about finances. They are supposed to be out on their own and in college in 4 yrs. My best suggestion is not to shield her but to educate her so that she does learn how to make wise financial choices as she grows into adulthood. If she learns how you are managing the finances in the tough times she will be armed with skills as a young adult. If she has knowledge she will not be afraid of your finances and she will be able to trust in the little extras that you are able to choose. It is also ok for them to learn to make sacrifices at this age so that others are able to enjoy things. it is a very important part of their character developement. I encourage you to embrace her interest in your familys well being while you go through this time. We are having to move my father in with us and sell a house to cut back our financial output. Our boys are a huge part of the process, selling things they don't need at yard sales to make room for all of us and cutting back on their wants and needs until the finances are where they need to be until the dollar gets turned around. I applaud your daughter for being aware of her surroundings. It is a rare and good trait.

Hi S.-
Your daughter has learned to worry about you and about the family. It's pretty hard to be a happy-go-lucky kid when Mom's been crying. She will worry until she finds out what's going on.

Take her into your confidence about the money issues, and tell her about coupons, etc. She is no longer a child- and probably hasn't been for some time. Honor her concerns by being honest. She'll be better for it. If you can afford whatever-it-is, say so, and say why, so that she doesn't think that she's munching money better used for food, etc. Don't have verbal regrets after the fact, or allow your spouse to guilt her. You have to be totally responsible.

You don't need to go into all the gory details, just mention the coupon. Also, tell her, after an anxiety/depressive episode, "I hope you weren't too worried; I'm sorry; you know I have this biochemical problem. I don't want you to take everything I say when that is happening so seriously, OK?" Then stick to your word. Don't say, "Well, I said this the last time I was feeling anxious/depressed, so you should have known." She needs you to have a consistent attitude. Either she's a kid or she's somehow responsible for what's happening.

See, isn't having a teenager fun? (they're actually my favorite age) Hope this helps - S.

Have you asked your daughter if she is worried about your fiance taking off and leaving you financially destitute? She might think that since he hasn't married you that he is keeping his options open.

Make some time to sit down with her and maybe include her by letting her see how you appropriate your finances. Show her that you leave some aside for special times like movies and Bath & Body. Sometimes it helps to see it on paper. Best wishes.

A.

I have a 14 year old son who has been doing the same thing. If we want to go out to eat, all my other children cheer and clap. My son says "no we better not." I have 4 children and our money is tight with one income so when my kids want this and that, dance lessons, and eat up all the food in the house in two days, I tell them that we don't have the money etc. I do address my son's response and encourage him that even though I say we don't have the money for some things, that we are okay financially. And that is because I'm careful with our money. I tell him that it is okay for us to eat out once in awhile and that he doesn't need to worry about our finances. I tell him that his dad and I have things budgeted out. I know he worries about finances and he picks up things from me. I'm the one in our marriage that never wants to spend too much money. My DH is the spender. I try to keep things into perspective and communicate with my son when he seems to worry. It's not because you're doing or saying anything wrong. I think kids pick up on things even if we don't say anything directly. They hear the news and about the economy and it worries them. I remember in HS hearing about inflation and worried that when I'm on my own I wouldn't be able to afford ANYTHING! Just keep talking with your daughter and encourage her. Good luck!

S., I just had to email you because it sounds like we have a lot in common.I AM also going through financial issues & my 10 yr old daughter is very worried too. I'm 31,& also suffer from Depression & anxiety as well & on meds.I would love to talk sometime if you'd like. Have a good weekend & 4th! ~Jaymie

I raised three daughters who now have their own children. I always had a houseful of kids, some of whom stayed months or years. That said, the best way to deal with any teen is with honesty. No, you don't have to tell her how many dollars you bring home, or how much your bills are. You can say that you have X dollars over budget and ask her what she wants to do with them. She is worried and of course all teens worry about their parents, parents' finances, etc. Hope you medicine is keeping you stable. Your letter sounds as though you are doing well. More power to you. I have dealt with depression too so I know what you are going thru. Good luck with everything. You can do it!

I can so relate!! My 13.5 year old is growing like a weed and needs new clothes. She knows we are struggling ( I dont work during the summer so money is tight) I just let her cry it out and held her till she calmed down. It broke my heart. No matter what people tell you kids do care. I want my kids to dress nice and fit in so I make cuts in other places. Now with #3 coming....its scary. I think what you have done is correct though I believe in including my teenagers in family matters. They need to understand the situation. They now know that if I offer..it means I have the money. I would maybe also suggest she find some babysitting jobs. My daughter is now making her own money and really seems to understand how far a dollar..DOESNT go...now my son..hehe is a different story...I hope everything gets better for her. Once school starts and she is with her friends again..im sure the focus of money will leave her mind.
Happy 4th!!
M.

S.,

My parents always hid money stuff from me. I'm 43 and they STILL hide it from me. Hiding things that we could do so we didn't know they existed so they woudln't have to feel guilty about saying no. I'm sorry, but I STRONGLY disagree with that. Kids must learn reality in that department if they are to have ANY understanding of finances as they "grow up".

Now. We have 8 kids of our own. I never worked outside the home so things have periodically been VERY tight. We are upfront with our kids. Here's the deal....here's the situation. There are times we can do fun things that cost easily. Other times we cannot. What's the answer? work TOGETHER to find things that you can do together for fun.

My oldest boys (all my kids are homeschooled) started workign part time so that they could earn money to invest. They bought a duplex at the age of 16 (1 month before, actuallY) because they saved every penny they earned. They invested in a direct sales company which has helpd ALL of us move along in a positive way. They now own a mobile detailing biz where they have 2 units. The money they earn pays for their equipment and then helps the family. Betweeen what they make and what my husband and I make in our various businesses (I lost count), we all do very well.
We have a meeting everymorning....no one may skip. We talk about what's goign on in the day, what each one needs, any plans for the evening, etc. EVERYONE PARTICIPATES....in the money making, in the chores, in the fun, in the relaxing.
YES. MONEY ISSUES ARE FOR KIDS EARS. I came into marriage without a freaking clue because it was always hidden from me.
PLEASE consider invovling your daughter in financial decision making. Give her the opportunity to participate in the makign and the spending...teach her budgeting, etc. She will NOT get practical training in school...I guarantee it. Need help with htat? My husband is DARN GOOD at it. (one of his biz' is accounting/taxes.....a serious part of that is teaching people how to deal with what they have).
I SO wish my parents woudl not have hidden everythign (money, relationships, etc) from me and denied the truth fo where we were. I can now not trust them on much of anything. Wish I could, but I can't. My kids? TOTALLY TRUST us. It's awesome. they step up to the plate and we work as a team...in every avenue. Give your 14yo that chance! You will thank each other for it!
S.

I truely believe that you should share your finances with your daughter. Write the budget out on paper and show her where your money goes. She is more than old enough to understand this. She will be old enough to work in 2 years and to drive also. Money comes with that responsibility as well. You should show her your income and what bills need to get paid monthly and how much they are. It is our jobs as parents to educate our children to go out in the world and survive, this is part of that process.

My 2 oldest children (13,11) know a lot of our finances. I take them shopping with me and show them how much things cost, let them see the amount of money I have to spend on gas and compare it with how long it lasts and what else that same amount of money could be used for. They learn that things are not cheep and that sometimes you can afford a little something extra and sometimes you can't. It is important that they see this so when they want something expensive that is not a NEED, I can tell them well let me tell you what I can do with that money that will be for NEEDS.

Your daughter seems like a bright child and I believe that she will feel better if she sees what is going on, rather than hearing bits and pieces. Include her and she just may even open up more to you :)

Good Luck and God Bless...I know this is hard :)

I am dealing with just about the same issue with my 14 year old. She is so empathic to how I am feeling and worries about more than a teen should worry. She even goes so far to try and find a job she can do just so she can help out.
So I am not real sure how to help you with this one but to say that you are not alone.

Dear S.,

I have to say, I am jealous. I am jealous because you are blessed with having such a nice kid who cares. You must be aware that there are so many kids around who do not care about their parent's money even when they are 24, not 14. They go to college, graduate, and they do not want to work, but they do want to drive the best car and go to resturants, and they expect their parents to pay the bill. Make sure you tell her how much you appreciate that she cares. Also, I think that she is old enough to learn more about your family's finances. Explain to her about how much you earn and how much you spend. Show her that you have savings and explain to her how long you will be able to live with no problems if you happen to loose your job. This will ease her worries. Also, help her find a job, may be a summer job. She will be more secure if she has some little money saved. And sometime she may offer you to go to bath&body together :-).

Jen.

my daughter is 11 yrs old, still very innocent and still very much a child, but she also pays close attention to our budget and at times will tell me no to something offered including movies and her favorite claires. Maybe next time mommy, i know we cant really afford it right now.

I too dont want her to be worried about these things, but i also feel that a child paying attention to these things is more likely to hold to their own budget later in life. Espescially when it comes time for college and other important ventures we wont be there for. But i also try to do other things like hand her a 20 dollar bill and ask her what she wants to do with it. though she may attempt to turn down activities, she has never turned down cash lol. it lets her know that things are ok, if i have enough money to hand her some, things must be alright. and she usually still uses it for the things i wanted to do for her in the first place

First thing I think you should do is thank God for a daughter who shows a wisdom and maturity far beyond her peers "who only worry about boys and friends." Then maybe you should include her in the talks about the finances. Be as honest with her as you would like her to be with you about other things. She's obviously got the maturity to handle it, and doesn't want to be treated like a kid anymore. If she is this concerned at 14, and taught well, she may be a millionaire by the time she's 30!

Sometimes kids can help us see what we can't. Maybe you should consider what she's saying. We live on a very tight budget and we don't do much outside the house in terms of spending money. We try to find as many free things as possible. We budget $50 per month (family of 6) for a fun activity. If it's the zoo, we bring our own lunch/snacks and spend the whole day there. my husband is in a bowling league so he gets free bowling passes, we do that as a family. One trip to Dairy Queen is a special treat to us. If you get a large group together, you can call the Arizona Science Center and get in for a cheaper rate. Going to the Herberger Theatre is fun too. There's lots of fun free (or cheap) things you can do! If your daughter likes bath and body works, you could invest a small amount of money to get the supplies to make your own soaps. (They have all the supplies at Joann's, save those coupons in the mail; get on their mailing list) Then you could sell them for a little bit of pocket change! Anyway, your daughter probably senses the strees in you when money is spent that you don't really have. I know that I hated "bill paying day" at my house growing up, it meant we got an up-tight, stressed out cranky mom for the day. Put a $50 bill on the refridgerator and plan that that's it for the month. I know it's hard, but the dicipline pays off! God Bless!

S.,

There has been some great input on the financial education you are giving your daughter. I'd like to mention 1 thing - you state in your information that you have dealt with chronic depression and anxiety issues and take medication for it - your daughter may also be having similar issues. To help lighten her load, you may want to consider an evaluation to see if she too is suffering from depression and anxiety. It does run in familis - 4 out of 5 people in my husband's family have been on meds - and that is just him, his parents and 2 siblings.

Just a thought on what else to consider as part of the issue.

S.,
You should be aware of an important truth: everything that teenagers hear is immediately assimilated as having to do with themselves. So, if you don't want your daughter to hear conversations that are not meant for her, have them outside or someplace else where you can't be overheard.
Secondly - if all she knows about your financial situation is what she overhears, you are doing her a disservice by not sitting down with her and telling her the whole story. She is undoubtedly fearful as well as angry that you've left her out of something that she thinks is very important. You are also not acknowledging her efforts to help save money. The kid/parent line changes as kids mature and it sounds as though your daughter is maturing faster than you know. You can best help her by including her.

Wonderful that you are aware of the problem. Seriously, though just keep trying to talk to her but don't force her to talk. And, do be careful what you say when she is around, my mom told me way too much and it made me worry.

Take care,
K.