Family That Always Wants to Borrow Money

Well, you don't give a drunk a drink, right?
You don't give money to people that are irresponsible with money either.

Give? Maybe. Lend? No.
If someone needs money and I can afford to GIVE it, I do. If I'll need it back? Nope.

Better to spend $20 for a good financial strategy book for her.
No matter WHAT she makes, she CAN live on less than she makes.
She just needs to learn how.
I recommend a book by Dave Ramsay.
After all, "teach a man to fish...."

JUST SAY NO!!!!!

Seriously, say NO. She's the one who should feel guilty and ashamed for asking you for money.

Why does she need this money? Does she tell you? If it's an absolute necessity, like gas for the car so she can get to work, then take her to the gas station and put a few gallons in the tank. But DO NOT give her cash.

If she's old enough to retire, then she's old enough to accept responsibility for her finances. You need to stop enabling her. If you want to help her then teach her to live without.

Oh my gosh I was getting steamed just reading your question.

I think I would rather panhandle on the street than ask either of my sisters for money, ever.

You care more about her feelings than she cares about yours. That is completely inappopriate behavior on her part. If she were truly in need she would be more specific about what she's needing, and profuse in her thanks. And she would be open to your suggestions.

If I were you I'd be blunt (and that's hard for me). "Sister, I can't give you cash because every dollar I have is budgeted for my family. When I give you money it is literally taking money out of my kids' mouths, college funds, etc. If you are on the verge of going hungry I will have you or your kids over for dinner - just let me know before you come and we'll do our best to accommodate you."

I would also read up on setting boundaries. Some people only respect blunt ones.

PLEASE stop feeling guilty. Getting your hair cut or doing things that you deserve to do is not a reason to feel bad or feel that you are lying to her. SHE made the choice to stop working in her better paying field. It is not your fault.

Really and truly, she doesn't feel any guilt asking you for money. You have to let go of guilt for saying no. If you don't, it will color your relationship for the rest of your life. Why would you want that?

No more loaning. If you want to give her something, then just make it a gift in your mind. But only give gifts for special occasions such as birthday and Christmas.

She will continue to live as if she WILL get handouts if you continue to give them. She will learn to live with less or go get a better job if you aren't bailing her out here and there.

It's either this, L., or seeing her a lot less. You are not lying to anyone by saying that you can't afford to give them money. You have a LIFE to live and it's far more important to provide for YOUR life than to provide for hers. You never know when something bad might happen and you all of a sudden face a big financial crunch. I promise you that she wouldn't come in and bail you out of yours instead of getting her hair done.

Stand strong and don't feel any more guilt!!

Hugs~
Dawn

Stop it. Create a mantra and no matter how hard it is just keep repeating it whenever your sister asks for money. You have to pick one you are comfortable with..... I know it will be hard, but don't worry about what your sister thinks of you. That isn't your concern. You know you have been a good sister.
Example:
"I'm sorry things are tight for you. We are on a tight budget too."
or
"I'm sorry you are struggling. I have decided to stop lending money. It puts stress on me."

Years ago Dr. Phil once said that you can't fix someone's money problems with money. You said yourself, 'she lives in her own apartment and is pretty much managing - paycheck to paycheck.'

You and your brother are not responsible for your sister's actions. While I can't say she necessarily chose to have a breakdown she does need to live with the consequences of her actions and learn to live within her means.

Maybe the next time she asks you for money you should tell her you can no longer support her and recommend she look into Dave Ramsey's program.

You also need to learn to say no and to not feel guilty about it!

Her lack of planning does not constitute your emergency. One time, sure, all the time, sorry. That's really bad money management. You did not take your sister on to raise. If she were yours you would have told her to wait 3 years to retire!
Practice your answers.
I am not comfortable lending you money anymore, it's putting a strain on our relationship and I love you too much to do that.
Sorry, all my money is budgeted. You should try it.
I do have some work you could do that could earn you that money.
I heard there is a job.....
I would go with the first answer. Othwise, congratulations you have a new child!

It's my philosophy to only "lend" money when I'm OK with not getting it back. In other words, I don't lend money. I give money when I'm able.

I would have a conversation with her telling her that you would like to lend her money but that you do not have enough for your family and have decided to not lend any more money. Tell her that you feel badly about this, that it was a difficult decision to make and that you wish you had enough money to give her.

It's time to set a boundary because you are uncomfortable giving her the money. It is your responsibility to take care of your family first.

You're also uncomfortable not loaning her the money. I suggest that you will get used to the new boundary of not giving her money and be comfortable while if you continue as you are now that you will always be uncomfortable.

You know that you're not being stingy. I suggest that she's being manipulative and using that accusation to keep you giving her money. She is using you. Time for you to set a boundary with which you can be comfortable. She will be upset but she will come to accept it over time. BTW you are not responsible for how she feels.

As to posting on this site. I don't have any difficulty typing.

This is just so unfair and she puts you in a really awkward position. She's your sister, you're close, you talk daily ... but you are not her keeper, nor her parent. I think next time she asks, I would say something to the effect of, "Oh, we just started a college fund for each of the kids and every extra penny beyond living expenses is going into it. I'm sorry I can't help anymore; we are really focused on the kids being able to go to college." I can tell you this: if you keep loaning/giving her money, it WILL drive a wedge between you and if will affect your relationship because you will become very resentful. We all have our paths, and she made a choice. You didn't make it for her. If she is struggling financially, then she needs to come to terms with the fact that the only person who can save her is ... herself. Good luck.

Give her only what you can afford to lose IF you give her money at all. Make it a gift vs a loan.

But more realistically, if you can't afford to not get it back, then say no. You don't owe her a long explanation. Just "no, I am not loaning you any more money." You don't have to say you can't afford it or you don't have it - just say no. If she gets nasty with you say you're sorry she feels that way but your answer is no. You do not need to justify your budget, spending wisely, taking care of your hair and kids. If she can pay you back tomorrow, she can wait til SHE has money "tomorrow".

My SIL has three young adults living with her and each is responsible for his/her share of the rent, food, utilities. When my uncle died, my cousins (19-16 yrs old) went to work and gave their mom some money to keep the roof over their heads. She could also look at a PT job herself.

I'm not saying don't take care of family, but sometimes when you say no it's best in the end. I said no to my own sister. She managed to find someone else to cosign her lease. It worked out.

She made a financial decision that has not gone well. Time to figure out what to do without being a leach on everyone else.

My mom was once married to a man who basically used the utilities for pseudo gambling. Once he begged her to ask a family friend for some money. My mother was horrified and embarrassed to her core when the friend told her no - because he'd already borrowed money that had not been repaid.

I do give my mom money sometimes. But I give what I can afford not to get back. I don't give what will take food off my child's table when someone is capable of doing more for him/herself.

Hi L.,

Based on what you've said here, you are NOT LYING when you tell her you don't have the money. Everything you spend is part of your budget. If all you have is an extra $20 after that, you should be working on getting an emergency reserve fund for your family, not handing out money to anyone who asks.....even if it's family.

I'm saying this with kindness.....somehow, you have to get to a place where you get over your guilt. You may have to keep working on this until it becomes more second-nature to you. Say it out loud over and over, every day until you are comfortable saying it and letting it be: "I don't have any money to spare." No additional explanations...just plain and simple.

Some things to remember that may help you with this:

Your sister is responsible for her choices and her family.
You are responsible for yours.
They are not starving. They may not have a lot, but they are surviving and have their basic needs met.
Nothing bad will happen if you don't give her that $10 or $20.

You and your husband have a lot more years of child-rearing and related expenses ahead of you since you have school-age children. She, on the other hand, has one high-school age child left at home. Her daughter can certainly get a part-time job or a babysitting job if she's under 16 to earn her own spending money.

If you continue to hand your sister what you don't have to spare, you will eventually find yourself in a situation where YOU need that extra cash and won't have it. And, your sister will never learn to live within her means.

You said it yourself, "I don't really have extra to spare." That's all there is to it. If all you have is the $20 she wants, YOU DO NOT have money to lend out! How can you possibly hand that over knowing that you should be creating an emergency reserve for your own family? What if your refrigerator goes out? What if your car needs to be repaired? What if you or your husband should become ill and cannot work for some extended time?

You must stop and think of your family and get your own financial matters in order, and your sister must do the same for herself.

I haven't read the books myself, but I hear many good things about Dave Ramsey's works. Go to his website, or check out some of his books at the library, and have your sister do the same.

If you don't, not only will your sister remain a financial disaster forever, but you'll be teetering on the edge yourself.

Hope I didn't sound mean. Just really want to convey to you that it's okay to say "NO!" It always worries me when I hear someone say that they have a hard time saying no to people who continually ask for money.

I really wish you the best with this. It is hard when it's family, but you'll be doing everyone a big favor when you learn to say no and follow through with it.

J. F.

Sadly, I think getting yourself out of this situation most likely means losing your friendship with your sister, at least temporarily.
I'd be blunt so there is no room for interpretation. Tell her that as she might know, you and your husband are on a budget. That you are beginning to resent constantly being asked for money, that you hate having to justify yourself to her every time you get a haircut or buy something for your kids. Explain that this you feel it's driving a wedge between the two of you and because value your relationship so much you will no longer be lending her money.

Family will bleed you dry and play on your sympathy, if you let them. If you keep making $ available for someone they will keep coming back. While you understand she is financially strapped, so are you. You can't help her with her finances. There is no shame or guilt in that. You just have to realize that for yourself.

I'm confused. Is she living with your brother or in her own apartment?

Does she get child support? She should. Would she qualify for a low income apartment? Can she get a part-time job?

Your sister made HUGE life decisions without consulting you or your siblings. It seems though that she expects you to help her pay for these decisions. She is a single parent, works a low paying job, left that job, took early retirement with no thought to how this would effect her life or the lives of her children, or other family members.

In a way the same as a person enables a substance abuser, all of you are enabling her to continue to make bad decisions. If you all keep handing her money she will neve learn to stand on her own.

Technically, you don't have money to lend your sister. Your money is budgeted, so the money has already been allocated for a specific purpose. Just because you have the money on you doesn't mean that you have the money available to loan. Do not feel guilty about this.

I feel your pain. My brother uses me as if I'm a bank. I don't get asked for a few bucks; I get asked for hundreds of dollars at a time to save him from the latest dire emergency (utilities cut off, work vehicle broken down with repairs required or lose his job, no money for food for his kids). It sucks, and I resent it. Mostly, I resent that I feel obligated to make loans that I can't easily afford while I know darn well that I'm never going to see that money again. Last time he paid me back, he made a big show of writing a check to me (in front of my mom) and then called me to ask me to hold the worthless piece of paper a few weeks....that was in July...I still have the worthless piece of paper, knowing it shall forever remain worthless. I know the right advice for you (above), and I also know that I do not follow my own advice in this situation. I feel your pain!

P.S. - yes, typing on this site is hard.

I would just say no. You dont owe her an explanation. Or if you feel yoh need to.give her one, dont be afraid to say, no, the extra money I have Im using to take the kids to.the movies or whatever. If you consistently say no every time she will eventually stop asking.

I would suggest that you pick up a copy of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace book, read it, twice, then give it to your sister as a gift.

You do NOT have the money to either lend nor give to her as a gift. Having $500 in cash in my wallet does not mean I have money I can lend/share if I owe $500 in rent and that money has been set aside to pay the rent. Getting our hair cut or buying something for your kids is part of your budget. (If it isn't, then it should be). Those items come first, before you have "extra" left over, to consider loaning out. Along with anything else you have listed in your budget.
Write down on paper what you will be spending your money on:
This paycheck is $600 (or whatever) and from that $600, $x will be groceries, $y will be rent/mortgage, $z will go towards gas for the car/car repairs, etc etc etc... When you have "paid for" (on paper) all your budgeted items (including setting aside money for emergencies for your family-dr appts, lost wages, flat tire, broken washing machine, loss of wages due to illness, etc, AND preplanning budget items like Christmas and birthdays that you KNOW are coming and will have to be supported in your budget).. whatever is left, is what you actually "have" to consider lending. If you have school aged kids, and you said you are "tight" financially yourself, then you aren't going to HAVE anything left after you fill in the amounts you are putting toward those budget items.

Your sister is not going to stop asking, because you have not stopped giving. And you do not owe her an explanation. If you want to give her one, simply tell her that you have to stick to your budget, and loaning money to her isn't in your budget. Is she going to argue that you loaning her money SHOULD be in your budget? I think not. But if she should be so bold, then I would simply ask to see HER budget, before you "consider" discussing a budget change with your husband. And I'd not give her a DIME until she produced a budget. (And probably not then, either). If she DOES produce a budget, and she is short, then you can firmly point out to her that her budget doesn't work, and ask her what she plans to do to fix it, because she needs to live within her means. If that means earning more, then she needs to figure out how to do that. If it means cutting, then she needs to figure out from where.
And give her the book, after you've read it.

I know it it super hard and you feel terrible saying no, but you have to for your family's sake and protection. The next time she says something, you say her name and say ---Sally, I understand you are in a tough position. I am sorry but I can't help you anymore. Then repeat as needed. Whatever she says, you keep saying--I am sorry I can't help you anymore.

You do not have to explain yourself, justify your expenses or luxuries. You have worked hard for the things you have and deserve to get a haircut with out feeling guilty etc. When those thoughts come in your head, you tell yourself that you are worth it and you have worked hard to be able to treat yourself. Your sister has chosen the path she is on. She is responsible for her own livelihood and happiness. You are not in charge of her finances and she needs to learn the hard way. People need to stop helping her period. If not, she will never learn and always be in a constant crisis for money or drama filled life. Good luck!

You are responsible for you and your family. That means hubby and kids. Not sister. If this wasn't all the time then helping is okay but she is using you as her ATM. Have you ever discussed this with her when she asks for money? Something along "do you realize how often you ask me for money"? I would be curious what her response would be.

In the end, you need to be more assertive and not feel guilty. You have every right to a hair cut or something for your kids. They are YOUR kids and you worked hard to afford those items. You are not responsible for your sister's life choices.

what a crappy situation (that SHE has put you in...)

she's taking advantage. i'm sorry but i do think that the answer is to keep telling her "no".

maybe (if hubby is ok with it) you can use him as an excuse- "i'm sorry, but hubby is really cracking down on me about the budget and loaning people money. i just can't." make it a more long-term answer so maybe she won't just ask again next week.

it's just like with a child. the more times you slip up and give in, the more times she'll keep coming back and asking again. if you start giving her a "no" every time, eventually she'll quit asking. IF she should choose to push the issue - which i doubt she would - you are right, and she is wrong. more likely she'll just ask less and less and eventually you won't be an "option" to her anymore and she'll quit asking. but yes, i think you have to be "the bad guy" and practice a little tough love. it's really the only option.

I can understand where you're coming from. Every last cent is budgeted for with our family. If I were to lend someone money, then it would mean cutting back somewhere in our lives.

But, my family has always had the philosophy that if you can't ask your family to help, who can you ask? If a family member of mine desperately needed money, then I would do my best to help out.

I can see that I'll be absolutely no help to you, but I hope you learn to cope with this. Maybe you could say to her, 'I'm sorry but I'm skint. Why don't you ask our rich brother?' ;) Just kidding. But telling her you're skint without any other explanation is OK.

Tell her you want to help by lending her money but you don't have EXTRA to give. Tell her that you feel bad because you don't have it to give and you wish you had more...

Play on somebody's sympathy (=make someone feel sorry for you in order to gain an advantage for yourself)

I have two brothers who I'm close with and they always ask me for money...

Good luck :-)