Seeking Advice for Best Friend After Miscarriage

I think you should call anyway, just to let her know that you are there for her when she can talk about it. You are her best friend...even though she may think she doesn't need you or anyone right now, it would probably help if you just let her know you are there for her for whatever she needs anytime of day.

You are a good friend to ask this. I went through the same thing with my first pregnancy. Some friends sent me flowers - I know they meant well, but it was terrible. The flowers reminded me of my loss and I made my husband throw them out. I would send you friend an email/text/card and just say you are thinking of her and you are here for her when she is ready to talk.

I wouldn't call. FLowers or a meal might be good. When I had a friend that went through this, I wrote her a letter. In the letter, I said that I didn't want to bombard her with a phone call before she was ready but I wanted to reach out to let her konw that I think about her all the time and I'm here whenever she's ready to talk. I also said that even if she didn't want to talk about the miscarriage, I'd be happy to just gossip about anything totally off subject. She eventually did call me and thanked me very much - saying that she was so sick of having to talk about what had happened and it was really nice to see that I was still thinking of her without her having to talk on the phone (if that makes sense). You definitely have to let her move at her own pace (especially if you've never experienced a miscarriage before). She's lucky to have a friend like you that is so concerned :)

I am so sorry for you and your friend's loss. Some people take it much harder than others; only you will know to what extent she will/can handle it.

I didn't have a total miscarriage, but I lost one of my triplets at 10 weeks, later went on to deliver the two surviving babies at 26 weeks gestation. It was hard for most people to recognize them as triplets so I eventually learned just to call them twins. To me, I felt as if I was simply forgetting about the third baby by calling my two babies "twins". 11 years later, I am OK with it.

There is definitely a grieving process. And, yes - you want to be there and do all the right things, and say all the right things. Most of all, your friend will probably just want your shoulder and an ear at first- don't take it personally. Eventually once she has accepted the miscarriage, the conversations will evolve into something that you can better participate in. Definitely don't dismiss her feelings, or try to comfort her by saying it was meant to be, or it was God's will, or whatever. That made me so angry to hear! (Along with the standard "Well, at least you still have the other two!" UGH! I still lost one, remember?)

Just offer to spend a few hours with her at home, and bring a home made meal or home made lunch. Maybe take her out if she feels up to eating out, and it's in your budget. A change in scenery was always a nice distraction for me. I had one friend just come over and fold laundry with me one afternoon! About a week later, she also went with me to the grocery store- it took us about 2 1/2 hours to get groceries that night but I so appreciated the company.

Mail her a nice card with a handwritten note stating you're sorry for her loss and want to contact her in a day or so. Coordinate it with her husband. Maybe you can accompany her to her follow up doctor's appointment. Just *BE* there; she will work itself though it all. Knowing she has friends who care so deeply will make it easier for her.

Hi, I have had 3 miscarriages recently and one ended in a DNC also. I would suggest calling her after the D&C is done. She will appreciate the idea that others care about her and that you are there for her. Another thing I would highly suggest is bringing over a meal! That would have been wonderful when I had mine. It was just all over and it was so painful emotionally that thinking of doing other things that few days after took a back burner (cooking, cleaning, etc)

You are a good friend. Just do for her what you would have her do for you. She will have to go thru a mourning process, but will be glad for you. Even if you are just sitting there I'd say.

S.

She probably won't want to talk about it but a meal when she gets back from the D&C would be a nice way to help. Just let her husband know that you are bringing food. Offer a hug and tell her you are sorry for her loss when you get there. Let her know you are there when she is ready to talk and be ready to be a crying shoulder. M/C was the hardest thing I have ever been through emotionally... it is just tough.

Finding what to say can be hard, but not saying anything can be worse. Just tell her that you are so sorry and that you care. Sending a thinking of you card is nice, with your handwritten note stating how sorry you are and you will be there if she wants you. What a nice, thoughtful friend you are. Take cues from her husband, but he is grieving also. Meals are a nice gesture. It's letting others know that you care that is important.

Hi! First I want to applaud you for wanting to help your friend! I have suffered two m/c and had two friends who were amazing. Don't call until you hear from her first. Be very patient w/her. When she does call just tell her you are sorry for her loss. Don't say "it was for the best"or "God knows what He is doing" although those two statements are very true, its something she already knows and dosnt need to be told. I think a meal is a great idea, but make arrangements w/her husband on that. When she is ready to talk offer to clean her house or buy her lunch. I did a lot of talking to one friend in particular and she had never been through it but her ear was the best thing for me. If she has other childeren offer to take them for a few hours. Above all, just be patient with her. I think you must be an amazing friend to want to help and be there for her! God Bless!

I had a miscarriage and a D&C. I remember really appreciating the meals people brought over. It's those small gestures that let people know they are being thought of. A phone call to her husband is good too. He can let her know that you are there to talk when she is ready.

Hi J.,

My prayers go out to your friend and her family.

When my husband and I went through a stillborn and 3 miscarriages, there are certain acts of kindness that I appreciated most at that time. There are these little figurines by 'willow tree' that my mother in law had given me that is still a treasure to this day. They all have different meaning to them, and this particular one was 'hope.' If you google willow tree, you can find many of these figurines.

Also, another thing that I appreciated, was a little tree that someone had brought us. We planted it and it actually makes us smile when we look at it now.

Great Harvest Bread Company also has excellent gift boxes you can send out. This was nice because I think chocolate chip cookies and really good bread can bring anyones' spirits up!

Hope this helps!

S.

J.,

Miscarriage is a serious loss and it may take your friend some time before she is ready to talk about it, even to her best friends. I would send her a card and write in it that you are there for her, ready to help in anyway you can and leave it at that. She will reach out when she is ready but you can show her in this nonobtrusive way that you will be there when the time is right.

S.

Let her be. If you do anything send a card that says that you are thinking of her. Like her husband said she will call you when she is ready. This is a very private greif and you just want to be alone, you feel like a failure as a woman because you failed to do what you were made to do. I did not want to be around anyone, I sat on my couch, watched movies, ate ice cream, and cried.

I appreciate your heart for your friend and her loss. I know you want to be there, and help her through it. You need to pray for her, but, she doesn't want to be asked about it. I think it's a nice idea to drop off a meal, but, just drop it off. Don't linger. Don't talk to her. Just call, and tell her husband you're on your way, and have him meet you at the door. After she sees your concern, but that you're not pushing her to talk, she may call you. When she does, don't ask her questions. Just let her talk. She needs to heal. You're a good friend. Thanks for caring for her.

I'd drop off a meal, flowers and card letting her know you're there whenever she needs to talk and is ready. Today might be a bit early, you might want to call her hubby and see if he's planning to eat out or if a meal would be a good thing - she might need to stay home for a while. She might not want company, so be prepared to just drop it off and leave if she's feeling that way.

Just remember don't be offended by her behavior as she's grieving. She knows you care for her and will reach out to you when she's ready. Your unconditional love and support, and space will be greatly appreciated.

Best wishes!

I would call after the dnc like later that evening to let her know you are thinking of her. Maybe through a card in the mail with a letter or little note in it letting her know when she is ready your there and than just let her have her space. I am a person who have delt with 3 misscarrages and prepairing for another because we are trying ofr another child and I always misscarry before haveing a healthy child. But it still doesn't make a person feel better knowing that will happen either. Its great she has such a good friend to be there for her.

I had a miscarriage recently and I can tell you that she needs support. Even if she isn't ready to talk, send a card or some flowers b/c everyone is going to tell her that it was for the best, and I can guarantee, that doesn't make it any better. You don't necessarily have to call (I know what it is like not to want to talk about it), but showing that you think it IS a big deal is important. She will greatly appreciate it. Right now, to her, it is not any different than losing a 6 month old baby would be...with time, the memories of the child are not there to continue the pain and it gets easier and easier each day. Someday I'm sure she'll be able to talk about it with little problems. Just let her know that it was significant to you, too. :) Hope that helps. I just think a lot of people discount it b/c it wasn't born yet. It's still is your child, no matter how early. I had a friend who the nurse said, "do you think you're the first person to ever have a miscarriage" - cruel and horrible. So, instead be the supportive friend and you're all set.

I have been through this myself and it is sad and painful (Emotionally). You did not mention if she has children, but if she doesn't (That was my situation) I think it can be extra hard. You blame yourself, wonder if you'll ever have a baby...on and on. It might also be a bit hard for her to be with you because you're a mama. I know it sounds weird, but it could be true. I would take a meal over this weekend with a note saying that you are available whenever she is ready. In a week if you have heard nothing I'd try again to ask her to coffee or whatever. It took me a little while, but I was always a bit sad about it. (I still have the pregnancy test and first ultrasounds in a box...and I have 3 other kids). It wasn't until I had my first baby that I didn't think about it whenever I saw a baby. Best wishes and be patient.

I had a miscarriage four years ago and it was one of the hardest periods of my life to date. I couldn't talk to anyone for several weeks. Give your friend some time to heal. I would suggest just sending a "thinking of you card." She needs time to adjust to not being pregnant anymore. She will probably be sad for a very long time and need you to be there to talk eventually. She will come around. I recall not being able to move on from the pain until I had my daughter exactly one year from my miscarriage date. I hope your friend heals quickly. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I had a miscarriage about 2 years ago. It was very hard, even though it was very early and didn't require any medical intervention. I needed a good two days to be alone. I didn't want to talk about it. My husband and son gave me some space, and brought me flowers and then left me alone. I think it would be ok to send her some flowers with a note that you are there when she is ready.

Everyone is different... my friend that lost her baby was very open to meals (I'd just drop them off on her doorstep and call or email to let her know it was there). She wanted to talk as well, but again everyone is different.

I'd send a card for now and maybe drop off a meal in a couple weeks when she's ready? Or just drop on her doorstep and leave a message on her phone saying it's there.

I see that you've already received wonderful advice, but thought I'd join in! I suffered 6 miscarriages before carrying two beautiful girls to full term (subsequently, they're not twins). My first miscarriage was one of the most devastating because it had taken us so long to even get pregnant, that I never dreamed I would lose the baby - but I did. I didn't feel like talking, either. But my family completely surrounded me & just sat with me - all crying, too - with no one saying a word. For those that couldn't be there in person, they all called, one by one - including my 6 brothers - not their wives on their behalf! One of my brothers is a Roman Catholic Priest & he held a mass for the baby - in my mother's living room. It gave me such peace. I'm not sure if your friend has faith, but perhaps this might be a nice gesture - to talk to a local pastor & have a mass offered up for her unborn baby?? And also, although she is not ready to talk, there's no harm in sitting with her in silence! If you were in a position to do this, I would give strong consideration to it. It sounds like you're best friends & not mere acquaintances, so I fully believe this is appropriate. And as for a meal, by all means - I don't know a person in the world that wouldn't appreciate a provided meal!
My thoughts & prayers are with you as you find the strength to walk her through this, and with your friend & her family. God Bless!
And one more thing that I neglected to say regretably, don't forget about the dad! This is his loss, too!

J.,

First, let me commend you for being such a supportive friend. It always helps to have supportive friends when you experience such a tragedy.

I wanted to post to let you know that we have started a local pregnancy & infant loss support group. Meetings are held monthly in Taylor. You could pass our info along to your friend if you would like to.

All group meeting information is located on our ____@____.com-the National Share Office has many resources including message boards. Their website is www.nationalshare.org. Please contact me if I can be of any help.

A.

I've been there and she'll appreciate anything you do for her! If you send flowers make sure they don't look like they're for a funeral though (I got a bouquet of those, they didn't make me happy)!

Please get her the book A Silent Sorrow by Ingrid Kohn. It helped me so much and I suggest it to everyone I know who suffers a miscarriage.

You're a very kind friend:)

PS- When she is ready to talk, just listen. Don't say anything besides "I'm sorry" and "This really sucks".

I had a miscarriage last spring and if there's one thing I learned from it, it's what NOT to say to someone who just had a miscarriage. People say all sorts of "well meaning" tihngs, but really the only thing that anyone could say without upsetting me more was, "I'm so sorry. I'm here if you want to talk."

I also didn't want to talk to anyone for a few days. Partly because I couldn't bear to hear the "well meaning" things people would say and be expected to respond to them. I also think it was worse emotionally as the hormones were all in flux and leaving my body. I don't feel comfortable getting emotional in front of people, so I just didn't want to see anyone other than my husbsand.

I would respect her wishes not to call. You could send an email or card to let her know you're there to listen when she's ready to talk. If you want to drop off the meal, can you call the husband's cell (so as not to disturb her or disrepsect her wishes), give him your condolences, and tell him you'll be dropping off a meal? Tell him you understand if your BF doesn't want to come to the door or see anyone, and that if he answers the door, you'll just give him the meal and leave. He can tell his wife you'll be stopping by and if she does want you to come in and sit with you, she can come to the door and invite you in. If not, she can hibernate in her room while her husband answers the door. That'll be your cue to leave without coming in.

(If you are invited in, I would just give her a hug, say "I'm so sorry" and then be silent. Let her take the lead on what she wants to talk about. If you ask how she's doing, then you're forcing her to talk about something she may not be ready to talk about.)

When I went thru my m/c, I went thru a cycle of emotions. I didn't really want to talk about it, but I didn't want everyone to pretend it didn't happen, either. The kindest think anyone did was one of my church sisters who happened to be a neighbor brought over a meal, just like she had 3 years before when my son was born. It is labor, you still do have recovery, and you even more don't feel like doing much around the house. If you just drop off the meal (don't stay to chat unless they initiate it), your kindness will speak your love to her. It may even open the avenue for her to feel OK to talk about it. She may never want to, but at least she'll be assured that you love her and you've acknowledged her sweet one she lost.

If it is your best friend, I would go over to the house bearing gifts, some kleenex and a hug! Also, I would look into getting her a book/devotional about miscarriage. This is a good book, depending on if she's a Christian or not, but it's a great resource for people who are grieving - http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item...

J.,
The best advise I can share from my heart to yours for your friend is "Be There". Make yourself available. Make arrangements for someone to care for your son for a few hours - while you go to encourage her heart. She might not be ready to talk, but go to her....take off your coat, say Hi, hug her and let her cry....don't say anything more....sit down in the room is in and wait.
Wait until she is ready to talk.....do whatever she asks - be it laundry - make a meal - whatever. Flowers are nice, but right now she needs more emotional encouragement. If you have a pleasant cd with inspirational or comfortable classical music...take that with you and play it softly in the background. She will get through this. Also, always remember that her husband has lost this child too...so his heart is tender. Like I said "Be There" - she will let you know what she needs. Your presence is the best gift for her at this time. I'll be praying for you as you encourage her.

You have gotten some really good advice. Just being with your friend would be helpful. I had a miscarriage and DNC and it was devastating. I wasnt ready to talk and appreciated my friends and family being there for me, and not pushing me into talking about it. I did a search on the subject and found some really good website's that offered some good advice, it has been many years ago, so I do not remember the sites. Those sites helped me a lot to deal with the feelings I couldnt talk about. It took us 5 years to even consider trying again, and when we did, I had another miscarriage, but didnt make the same mistakes I did before, we tried again and are proud parents of a beautiful little girl who is now 5 years old. I wish your friend all the best and pray that her dream's will come true.

I would definitely send a note just stating the things you said... let her know you are so sorry...that you are not sure what to do... you are here for her when she is ready to talk...or not to talk...and that it hurts you to know how much pain she is in...that you wish there was something you could do to help... Speak from your heart and just let her know that you love her. Yes, stay away from any other seemingly helpful comments like, it just wasn't meant to be, etc. It is a grieving process and like any loss, it is going to hurt for a long time. Flowers are a nice gesture as is a meal-although she may not have much appetite. As your relationship is unique, you will have to take her cues in the coming weeks, perhaps months to be there for her. You sound like a great friend! Be sure to send her positive thoughts,prayers, and love just thru your energy.

If you can drop off a meal and/or flowers, I sure would. What often happens is that everyone seems to shy away from the mom's grief and to her it's a huge loss, so she feels isolated. I wouldn't wait if you really are close to her. She needs support that's not too intrusive. Sometimes husbands don't see how deeply the mom is hurting and just want to get it over with and move on because they feel so helpless about it.

I experienced this. My own personal opinion is to wait for her to reach out to discuss it. Be there for her in other ways such as you suggested dropping off a meal or maybe inviting her to go out somewhere in a few weeks. In other words just continue your "normal" relationship with her. She is lucky to have such a concerned friend.

Hi, your friend is grieving not only over her lost baby but of her lost dreams. Just BE THERE for her. She'll open up when she's ready and let her talk. Don't tell her that she can always get pregnant again or that there was probably something wrong with the baby so it was a blessing in disguise, etc. Meals and help would be appreciated I am sure once she has the D&C. Just having someone to lean on is great. Her husband is hurting too so it is difficult for them to lean on each other. Denise K.