Seeking Advice - Medina,NY

Why not talk to her and tell her that you have a plan for her to visit her father while at grandma's.

then talk to him and tell him that he can go visit her while she is at her grandma's and if it works out well for the 2 of them she can stay longer if they both agree,

HOWEVER explain that it would be in everyones best intrest if he didn't drink.

M

I think your compromise is the better solution. If your daughter is comfortable with her grandparents, that will be a good place to stay and her father can see her there. Based on his past behavior, you shouldn't trust him alone with your girl without supervision. What happens if he drinks while being with her? Document EVERYTHING regarding his behavior. That will help you in court, if it ever gets that far. If you can, consult a lawyer for next steps. Good luck!

I would never be able to leave my daughter somewhere for 2 weeks that she clearly doesn't want to be. You have offered a compromise, he should take it. If he takes this to court, you have his past attendance and behavior to back you up. It seems to me that he is just threatening you to get your way. Just think what a wreck you will be those 2 weeks.

S.,

It sounds like your ex really doesn't want to be a part of your daughter's life. If he did, he would call her, send her cards or e-mails frequently.

I would NOT allow her to go with him for 2 weeks. If he takes you back to court, so be it. You have your experiences with the time you tried for one week as proof that it doesn't work.

If you have a good relationship with "Grandma", that's definetly an option I would try.

Good luck.

Listen to what your daughter is telling you. He sounds really irresponsible, and she probably doesn't feel safe.

i would say if he really would rather cut his visitation short and go get drunk when he's so far away and sees her so rarely then it shouldn't matter what he wants! if she doesn't want to see him (other than while at her grandma's) then i would just flat out tell him that that's one of the major reasons you're saying no and that's that. as far as IF it were to go to court, i'm sure the judge would want to hear from her that she doesn't want to see him and why and things would go in her/your favor. good luck, it's hard to deal with a jackass for an ex, especially when there's a child involved (no matter what the age of the child is!).

First let me say that I understand your desire for your child to have her father in her life. You should be commended for that because so many parents who have broken up use their children as pawns to get back at the other parent, which just might be the case with your ex-husband. It sounds like he's trying to control you by being indifferent to his child, but the only one who's getting hurt by his actions is his daughter, who he seems not to care too much about...

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't force my child to go anywhere where she doesn't feel comfortable, not even with her father. If he can't see her when she visits her grandmother, then that would be too bad for him, and if he tried to take me to court, I would make sure that the judge knew how you did everything you could (including traveling 400 miles) so that he could spend time with his daughter and then tell the judge what happened and why his child doesn't want to spend time with him.

Your child's well-being is and should be your first priority. Anything less than that would be detrimental to her. Demand that he either gets himself together and be the father that he's supposed to be or either the only contact he will have with her is through supervised visits. She needs to be surrounded by positive male role models. Otherwise, she will seek in men things that she is missing from her own life.

I hope things work out for you and your child. Remember that your children ALWAYS come first no matter what, and you will find out later that she appreciates everything that you are doing for her, even your efforts at trying to bridge the gap between her father and her, especially with you protecting her from the negative vibes that she is receiving from him!!!

Many blessings to you and your family!!!

Don't make her go. Your first priority is the safety of your child. That fact that she says she doesn't want to go should send red flags. She doesn't need a father who prefers to drink, rather than nuture his relationship with his daughter. It sounds like she dowsn't trust him and from what you've said neither should you.

i recently divorced my husband we had a very rough relationship and when we seperated he went a whole year not contacting his 6 year old daughter.

***I am sorry you are going through such a tough situation. Mine had some similarities to yours in that my children were very young when I divorced their father and the situation was nasty. We had a lot of arguments about visitation and I felt that what he wanted at the time was not reasonable or realistic. I empathize with you.

These past 6 months me and my bf has taken her 400 miles to see her father(i believe she needs her father).

****So you have clearly made a concerted effort to facilitate contact, which is probably more than you have to be doing, especially considering that he went a year without any contact with her.

The first visit he deceided to go get drunk and cut his visit short,second visit was supposed to be for one week it had its problems and we went and got her early.

****You don't say what the problems were, but it seems pretty clear that he is not able to sustain contact with her for any length of time. It also sounds like there are some real concerns about his judgment and stability.

I have sole custody and i deceide visits,he wants her this summer for atleast 2 weeks and she has expressed that she dont want to go(he has only called her 2 in 2 months).

***So he goes a year with no contact, then has a visit where he gets drunk and opts to cut the visit short, then has another visit where he (and perhaps your daughter) encounter problems and that visit is cut short, and now he thinks an unsupervised visit of at least two weeks is appropriate? The father does not sound like he is in touch with reality here. Given how the past visits have gone, I am not surprised your daughter doesn't want to see him. I do know that in most states courts will not allow the custodial parent to withhold visitation because the child "doesn't want to". On the other hand, most courts would take all the circumstances into consideration.

She wants to go to her grandmas for a week and visit him while there but hes fighting me on this he thinks if he goes back to court theyll make me give her to him for 2 weeks.Any advice or suggestions would be helpful.I dont want to force her to go but i dont want to take her from her father and i dont want this to go to court.

****OK, from my own experience as a divorced mother and as an attorney, I can tell you that he does have a right to be heard in court if he wants to force the issue. I can also tell you that given her age, the fact that he went a year without any contact and then was unable to exercise his visitation the last two times without problems, it seems extremely unlikely to me that a court would allow him a minimum of two weeks' unsupervised visitation time with her. If he actually does take you to court, I would urge you to let the court know in detail what happened during the previous visits. Also, if he has or you believe he has an alcohol problem, you need to advise the court of that too, with specifics as to why you believe he may have such a problem. You might even be able to get the judge to interview your daughter in chambers (out of your ex's presence) to get an idea of her true feelings.

I found that when I didn't show myself to be too rattled by my ex's threats of court that often took the wind out of his sails. Often I would offer him something that I could live with, that he might not have wanted but where his attorney would tell him it wasn't worth taking his chances in court thinking he could get something better. Right now it sounds like you have the upper hand. You have sole custody---and it sounds like there's a good reason for that! You are in a position to let him know what you are and are not willing to agree to and that you are sorry if he does not like that. Another consideration: depending on where you are, if he did go to court, he would first have to file a motion, giving you enough time to respond, then the matter gets set down for some type of hearing. By the time the matter would be decided, summer might even be over.

For what it's worth, I suspect he will eventually give up trying to get long periods of unsupervised time with your daughter when he sees over and over again that there's actually some work involved.

Good luck! My thoughts are with you.

J.

S.,

I'm really sorry to hear about what you and your daughter are going through.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with Gina Y on this. I just recently went to court because my ex-h after a few years of seeing my 2 kids whenever he felt like it or had free time wanted to take the kids overnight again. He hadn't taken them for overnight visits for about 3 or 4 years. I had many issues regarding the kids' overnight visit where he's living now. Unfortunately for me, he's now remarried to one of my cousins. The unfortunate part is that since it's family, I know all about what's going on in that household. I have a cousin who's an ex-con and who smokes mj. My daughter was once exposed to the smoke (she was about 7 or 8 at the time) and I spoke to ex-h about it and ex-h admitted it. I mentioned all of this to the Judge who proceeded to make fun of it since my cousin lives on the 1st floor of the house and ex-h and new wife live on the 2nd floor. The Judge's exact comment was "so the guy was smoking some oregano and it smelled funny". I also have a problem with ex-h's drinking and because ex-h admitted that he'd had a drinking problem but supposedly received treatment, then he was ok. Also, according to the Judge, since I had permitted ex-h to take the kids during the days then I was ok with his driving around with the kids and overnight visitation was ok. The only reason I permitted the day visits were because I had ex-h pick the kids up and drop them off at my house and I'd check him out to see what condition he was in. When you're dealing with overnight visits, it's not the same thing.

So, yes, nowadays father's get a lot more. And, in some cases, it's a good thing. In others, like in your situation and mine and Gina's, then it's not. I too believe, like you, that I should not get in between the relationship of father and child. But, I don't believe he has many "rights" when he's not worried about the kids' best interest and welfare. As you see, even with evidence or admissions, the Judge still let ex-h take my kids' for overnight visitation a whole week vacation during the year. I'm sure you can imagine how I will feel when that time comes.

Oh, and my kids, also don't want to go to stay with their father for overnight visits. I was told in a not so subtle way that I HAVE TO SEND THEM. It's not up to the kids or me...it's the father's right to have them.

Good luck with all of this. I would really try to keep this out of court as much as possible. I will keep you in my prayers.

S. - Dad sounds like a typical bully - 9 times out of 10 these guys who love to threaten you, will not actually get off the couch or cough up the money for a lawyer to go to court. They just like to see how much they can get with as little effort as possible. Your daughter most certainly does not need this kind of man in her life. It sounds like you divorced him for good reason. Why force your daughter to maintain a relationship that he doesn't seem to care much about? She'd do better with a loving, supportive mother who will help her to see that the problem is him and not her. Let your ex be in charge of his relationship with his daughter. Listen to yourself and listen to your daughter. I wouldn't send her to grandma's either unless you are 100 percent confident of her desire and ability to follow your wishes. Can she handle an irate man demanding his kid? You obvously want what's best for your daughter. All you can do is help her deal with the father she has, not the one she should have.
Good luck.

that's tricky... but i would gather if you had proof of the results/events of the first 2 visits, i somehow don't think a judge would disagree, and more importantly, put your child in danger IF while she's there he decides going to drink is more important. A judge ( i think ) would rule to protect her first. Then trying to take into account what your daughter wants is so important at this age especially during such a major transition. It may be feasible and a compromise for both if she visits her grandmother and is able to see him that way. Everyone will feel safer. It sounds like he's only fighting you so he can "win" not because he actually wants the whole 2 weeks being a responsible father. Follow your gut, and for me (only somewhat similar as far as dad, not exactly showing interest) I say. I will never deny him his son, but I won't rush him into his arms either, he needs to prove himself first, show responsibility and interest before you're taking my baby for 2 entire wks. Try remembering a birthday first, or calling to see how her day was, etc... hope I helped..goood luck, I know it's not easy. If she truly doesn't want to see him, and he isn't exactly eager to play daddy more to win confrontations with you. I would let her decide, as far as court goes, different ball game,, but I would think the reasons you have sole custody would outway his desire to have her for 2 wks when he's shown no good will, It's always YOU that goes to HIM, etc... the judge will see that, and I don't know at what age a judge will quietly talk to your daughter (usually gently). anyhowwww again Good Luck

S....I'm glad you were brave enough to put your situation out there. You have mentioned several important factors here and they won't go away. You will need assistance dealing with your daughter's father for a long time and need to protect your daughter. I would go to the local Child Protective Services office in your town and tell them the story, especially the alcohol-related stuff. They will also get in touch with the Child Protective People in the town where the father lives. Let them do a psychological assessment on all of you. You won't have any problems with that. They will probably suggest "supervised visitation" with the father. Then, they can observe what's going on with his "problem" and might require him to get help. Please remember that many girls are sexually abused by men who are under the influence and in a blackout. The girl becomes traumatized and the male doesn't even remember the incidents. Please consider this carefully.
Arlene

Oh S.,
I'm sorry to hear of your problems. I know how hard it is as I had a part time dad in my kids lives too. Why is it they think kids are toys? They can pick them up and put them down when they want and expect their "toy" to be exactly where they left it waiting for them.. sheesh!

I would suggest you write to him and keep copies. That way if you go to court you can show you tried to facilitate contact but in a way that is best for your daughter.

I would suggest you try saying that owing to the fact he hasn't kept up regular contact your daughter is apprehensive about spending an extended period of time with him. In order to ease her mind about it you would like him to phone her say, twice a week and send a letter or a postcard or something like that once a week. It's obvious he istoo far away for regular physical contact but a letter and a ouple of phone calls shouldn't tax him too much! If it does - well then frankly he wouldn't have a leg to stand on in court regarding even more access and if he isn't prepared to do that much then there is no way I would let my daughter go to him for two weeks.

Any court will see you are trying to let a relationship between this man and your daughter grow. If he isn't prepared to meet you half way then they aren't going to help him either. It's all about what is best for your daughter. If a man isn't prepared to phone twice a week for five minutes and send a letter or a card or a picture then how does he expect to spend two weeks with a child 24 hours a day?

I hope that helps, if you want to talk any more at any time please shout! I'll do all I can to help, I know exactly what you are going through and if I can ease your worries then it will be a pleasure.

Warm regards
H.

My father was an alcoholic. I was forced to go on visits. Now there is ever so much more known about alcoholism. Your ex can use some AA and rehab before you should let your daughter have visitation with him that is unsupervised. He can take you to court but if you have documentation you should be fine (unless of course you are in Bergen County, NJ where Father's rights seem to over ride the best interests of the child) in most cases. Are you getting child support? That is another thing you should keep documenting - especially if you are in Bergen County because his next step will be to ask for 50% residential so he won't have to pay a penny and judgtes here seem to think that is fine too. Your daughter needs a good solid father figure not necessarily her biological father. And THAT wisdom I share from personal experience. Best of luck! And congrats on finding a great guy that loves your little girl! That is far more important for both of you than her alcoholic biological one!

I understand exactly how you might feel at this moment. I have two children with a man that wants nothing to do with them. I have also went out my way so that they can see him but he didn't want that. It is impossible to make someone take care of their responsibilties. Your daughter would be an emotional wreck if he keeps coming in and out of her life like that. It is good that she is express herself saying that she only wants to go over there for a couple of days because she has already been scared with what he has already done. If he decides to take you to court the judge would be a fool to let her go. Seeing his track record he is not dependable and your daughter clearly doesnt want to be there on a weekly basis. I believe in letting children express themselves and if she feels that she needs to be there a couple of days at a time before she can start going on a weekly basis then I believe that there is no harm in that.

Hope that helps a little. Good Luck

sometimes forcing a child to see a parent that doesnt realy want to be a parent can only hurt and make thing worse. the threat of court is always a means of just being an ass. start to write down when he calls( date and times) and when he sees her and for how long. having all the info on vsitations and calls can help you if he does take you back to court. if your daughter is a healthy and thriving young girl without missing her father too much, then let her be. to me this seems to be bothering you more than it does her. i know from experience that if you do force her to see him and she does not want to then later on she may grow to blame you for any unpleasant visits she has. i think it is so wonderful of you to try to make sure she has a relationship with her father, but sometimes its not simple. good luck and keep your head up. just listen to your daughter and love her.

Let him take you back to court. It's up to him to PROVE you an unfit mother. And the way things are looking, it seems he'd lose more visitation rather then you lose her. I would tell him flat out. Either she stay with her grandmother and you can see her or she doesn't come at all. I would tell him that you don't feel safe leaving your daughter in his care for 2 weeks and that as her mother you have to protect her even if it is from her own father. You need to do what is in the best interest of your child. Handing her over to some guy (father or not) who's #1 interest is getting drunk not being a decent father in her presence isn't in her best interest. Stand up for yourself and your child.