Hi, Y.,
Having gone through several rounds of infertility treatment, miscarrying my first two pregancies after heartbeat was detected, and being quite advanced in maternal age, I can relate to the anxiety surrounding the potential loss of a pregnancy. I still clearly remember the sensation I had driving to my doctors' offices, pacing in the examining room, and waiting for my doctors' to share with me what they observed in the ultrasounds. I remember the sweaty palms and quickened pulse.
One thing I did during my second, third and fourth pregnancies that differed from my first was appreciate every moment of existence of my unborn offspring. During my second pregnancy, which eventually ended in miscarriage, I decided not to spend all of my energy worrying about the health of my unborn offspring. I knew that worrying would not help and that it would deprive me of time spent enjoying. I decided to spend as much "time" with my unborn child enjoying him or her as I could. This mental shift helped me cope with a negative situation better than I did the first time.
Fortunately for me, I later conceived at 39 and 41, amazingly with my own eggs, two offspring who would become two live, healthy children. (The first successful pregnancy was created with the help of ICSI, and the second was created naturally.) Finally bearing a live, healthy child significantly helped me deal with my miscarriages.
I wish that I had known then, when I was going through miscarriages and fertility treatment, what I know now. As a graduate psychology student, I've learned how to use mindfulness to alleviate pain and reduce anxiety. I highly recommend Jon Kabat-Zinn's book, Full Catastrophe Living, and Belleruth Naperstek's CD on infertility. When I first started learning about mindfulness and guided imagery, I was somewhat skeptical that they would help me much. They have helped me in ways that I would not have guessed had I not tried them for a few months. (I started noticing a positive change in my emotional state a few weeks after I started listening to the CDs and doing the exercises in the book.)
My last bit of advice, which I hope that you will not be able to use on yourself, is, if you miscarry, allow yourself to grieve. Don't let statements that people make belittling the significance of a miscarriage, often to try to make you and them feel better, make you feel that your sadness is unwarranted. People have told me after I've miscarried, "It's God's will." I'm an atheist, so God doesn't figure into my view of the universe. If there is a god, why is he doing this? They've also said, "Don't worry. Just relax. You'll have another." I know lots of people who could not have ANY kids, so that statement did not ring true to me. To me, the statement, "Just relax; it will happen," makes about as much sense as the statement "You'll walk again if you just relax," to someone who has become paralyzed as a result of a spinal cord injury. Not supported by science! My mother said, "Why do you want to have a baby any way? Maybe you shouldn't try at this late age. It might be deformed." My view: There are many reasons people want to have kids. Aren't at least some of them reasonable? Also, I couldn't find a willing mate until now, and better late than never." A former roommate even decided to talk to me about my miscarriages at my wedding reception! (My husband and I had just gone through the second miscarriage.)
I appreciate my lost children. If they had not been conceived, I probably never would have found out why I could not carry a baby to term and therefore never had any live children. As a result of tests done following my miscarriages, I learned that I had an immune disorder that affected nothing but my pregnancies. This information helped doctors treat me appropriately once I became pregnant (the third and fourth pregnancies).
Good luck,
Lynne E
