Responding to "I Hate You"

My almost 5 year old son hasn't said the "h" word yet, but he has told me that I'm a "bad momma" and a "mean momma." I calmly tell him that I understand he's angry at me, but that even when he's mad, I still love him and its okay to be angry. I have also told him that there are some things that he does that I don't like and that make me mad, but I still love him even when I'm mad at what he did. I think its important to point out to kids that its not the person they hate, but whatever action has been done to upset them.

Don't take it personal. And remember, you still have the teenager years to look forward to. :-)

That is such a hard thing to handle. My son will say similar things to me. I have found diffusing it with dry humor works the best(most of the time). "Do you really? That is too bad. I am pretty terrible when I cook your meals, gives you hugs ad kisses......" by the end of the silly tyraid he will usually look at me and say, "You're right, I don't hate you." Then we can discuss what the real problem is more calmly. It is so hard not to get offended.
I remember like it was yesterday when I was awful to my mom she would never scream and yell, but look at me, give me a hug and calmly say, " I am flattered you love me and are so comfortable with me that you can be so horrible to me. I am ready for my apology when you are." That has gotten me through a lot of those times. Your daughter is doing this to you because she is secure you will love her no matter what. Let her know it hurts you, but try not to make too big of a deal of it. Good luck!

My son just turned 6 a couple of weeks ago and we're in the same stage as you're in with your daughter, in fact my 3 year old has picked it up (great!). I was devastated when he first told me he hated me and that I was a terrible mother, but then I realized he was just trying to push my buttons and test the boundaries as all kids do. At first I would sit him down and try and talk it out right away but it was ineffective because he was already angry or frustrated and not ready to listen. It rarely happens now but if he's upset because he has to clean up his room, etc. and he blurts out he hates me, I'll just calmly say "I'm sorry to hear that but you still have to clean up your room". Once he sees that he's not bothering me it loses it's luster and he hardly says it at all now. I still address it because I don't like that behavior, but always after the fact when he's calmed down. Hope this helps!

S.

If she says she hates you there is absolutely nothing wrong with sending her to her room or punishing her.

I'm betting she's heard the word HATE somewhere and is experimenting using it. Teach her to communicate why she's mad or upset and that will usually help the I hate you. She probaly really wants to say "I hate cleaning up or I don't feel like it" but she's learned a new way to express herself with the word hate

I have a 6year old girl who can be quite mouthy at times and when she says to me "Mom I'm mad at you or I don't like you" I will respond with something like this "Well good, I don't like your behavior right now either keep talking to me like that and you and go to your room or have this taken away"

She obviously heard this word used else where and witnessed a reaction. She is also getting what she wants from you when she uses it...a reaction and attention (even if it is negative attention). With having a relatively new baby and another younger sibling I am sure that she is not getting all the attention that she thinks she needs from you...which could very well be nothing less then 100% of your attention. Children preferrably want positive attention but when they are not getting that they will take negative attention over no attention at all.

I would suggest being as calm as possible and expressing her feelings back to her and then leaving it at that. For example, I would suggest saying "I hear that you are not happy with me right now." or "You seem to be feeling very frustrated with me right now." Then you can add "I am sorry to hear that you are feeling ________ right now."

It really depends on the circumstances that she is mad at where you go from there. If it is something that there is no negotiation room about then helping her find appropriate ways to handle and cope with her feelings of anger would then be appropriate. Teaching children that it is okay to have various feelings and that they are normal is important. How they cope with them is something that needs to be learned. Does she have a space where she can go and "let it out"? Such as screaming into her pillow. Or another thing that works with some children is to have a cut out of hand prints on the hall that they can push as hard against as possible. I call them "angry hands". This keeps them from resorting to inappropriate measures such as hitting, kicking, biting, etc and allows them to let out built up tension.

If the situation she is mad about allows for negotiation then talking with her about what she thinks she can do to help problem solve the situation to make her feel less angry would be a possible solution along with teaching her how to cope with what she is feeling. HTH!

My daughter (4) says that too once in a while. I try and ignore it the first few times because she's doing it to get a reaction from me. If it continues, I try to calmly (which is extremely difficult) pubish her by taking something away from her, sending her to her room, etc. Then, later...when things are calm...I try to explain what the word 'hate' means and how it's a very extreme way to feel about me or anyone else, especially because I love her so much. I also try and explain how it hurts my feelings, (even sheading a few tears helps get the point accross to make her feel remorseful). I figure if she knows she's hurting my feelings when she says it, maybe someday, she'll think about it before she uses it against me the next time. I don't think it'll be an instant change, but over many talks about it, I'm hoping she'll eventually get it.

I went through the same thing with my son when he was about 6 yrs old. He used to tell me he hated me and wanted a new family after I would tell him to clean his room or wouldn't let him play with his friends until it was done. How I handled it was by telling him it wasn't nice and that no other family could ever love him as much as we do. When that didn't seem to work for long I tried the time out chair and that didn't seem to go over very well with that and he still said after. So I just asked him how he would feel if I said that to him and he said that he would be hurt and very sad. I asked him if that's how he wanted me to feel and he said no and has never said that since. In fact he tells me he loves me and that I'm the best mom ever several times a day!

I had the same thing going on with my 4 year old boy. He would tell me that he hated me, and that I didn't love him, and I would do the explaining thing and try to be caring and sympathetic. It got to the point where it was happening everyday. He is one of the most pleasant children at school, and by night time he needed to take it out on the person who cares about him most in the world. It was horrible! I don't care if it was a compliment that he chose me. It was hurtful.

I finally became that mom as well, but I made sure that as SOON as he started, he was sent to his room. I didn't wait to see if I could de-escalate and be "nice." I nipped it. AND I had my husband go in and talk to him when it was time to get out of his room. You know it's serious when Daddy gets involved.

It's not perfect. But it's better. We don't let it get to where it is. Yeah, I understand not wanting to be the parent that you promised yourself that you wouldn't, but somehow the child got the behaviors to the point where you feel that they are at an unacceptable level, so someone needs to change.

Good luck. It is all worth it.

I am also going through this with my little angel who is to be 5 in 3 months. As a mom of 4, I can tell you, it is normal and don't worry. It will pass and she doesn't hate you. I can't tell you how many times I have heard that and then "I love you" shortly after. The way I have dealt with it with all my kids is, I just tell them "Well, mommy loves you very much, even when you make me mad." They will say it, but you just need to reinforce that you love them always, no matter what they do wrong and they will stop. Your other kids will follow suit with the "I hate you" too. It's just a part of growing up. Good luck! L.

I agree with the others as to how to handle this, and have another thing to add.

Hate is an extremely strong word and we've told our boys that we don't want to hear it in our home. They can say they don't like something, but not someONE. Our children are multiracial and so teaching them about hate is important to both their dad and me.

My response to "I hate you!" is "Well, I love you. Why do you think you hate me?". At that point, we get to the root of it and we discuss another way to handle the issue...without making it personal and without the "H" word. We also point out the difference between the person, and the action...

Btw, I used to be "a really mean mommy" to my almost 5yo...until we worked out that I only punished him if he did something he wasn't supposed to... :)

Now, I get a lot of "I love you, Mommy!". :)

Good luck...