Friendship and Other Issues

Hey J.:)
Well first off I do think you should take care in this friendship with another man. I do think men and women can be casual friends but I think that sharing deeply on an emotional level should be reserved for your husband. We are emotional creatures so things start in an emotional place for us. Most of us don't go out with our girlfriends to the batting cages or to play football. We go to coffee to talk and to lunch to catch up. So we choose girlfriends we can bond with on an emotional level. Now with a man that emotional connectedness is part of what holds us in a tight relationship with him and causes us to want to open up physically. So I think you really must watch out about the depth of sharing with this other man. I personally think you should limit your conversations with him to things regarding your son, casual jokes and just regular stuff like the economy etc. Talking about your marriage with him is just not a good idea, especially about your sex life. You just have to protect that info from anyone, letting it be known there might be a problem to someone that is not a counselor there to help you with your marriage or a pastor is definitely an open door for possible trouble. I think that talking about God in a general way is fine but our personal relationship with God is very intimate too so I think choosing a woman to share from that very intimate part of your soul would be better and far less emotionally confusing. Now on the sex front. The fact you waited four years wouldn't really be a red flag to me because I didn't have sex before I was married either but I love it now. Once I gave my heart to the Lord I didn't have sex for about 12 years and I dated a guy for 3 years or so before I met and married my husband. I just believe that sex is a blessing for marriage and I didn't wanted to misuse that gift from God. So I am with you there:) But I do think that while it is not the most important part of marriage the lack of it can definitely increase it's importance. I think this issue may have come to a level where you guys might want to consider some Godly counseling or look into some kind of christian marriage retreat. My hubby and I read a great book on marriage called Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat. It talks about some of the most common sex problems and how to overcome them. I don't personally agree with every single thing in the book, but some of the tips helped us a lot. I had a good friend who didn't care for sex at all though she really loved her husband so much. She read a book called The Marriage Bed I think by Tim LaHaye and said it was really great for her. It deals with how personality plays a big role in how you view and respond to sex. You probably still have pain because of infrequency and there are some simple things you can do as a couple to overcome that. I had pain the whole first year to some degree and still enjoyed myself, we just had to work together to get through it and make our physical connection a priority. I do think that having physical intimacy really deepens every other aspect of your relationship. It isn't all about frequency or exactly what you do together, but making coming together a priority is definitely a project I think you will both benefit from greatly. As far as the other guy, I think you have enough going on in your marriage to occupy your time and emotional energy, just be kind to him and appreciate his help but get your eyes and energies on your own house, you will be glad you did in then end:)

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It is so nice to have a friend like that and very helpful. BUT, women who never intended to cheat find themselves with someone like that who is fulfilling a need that the husband isn't. Next, the fantasies will begin. Next, the opportunity and flirting with danger. You may find yourself in a position you don't want to be in. I would definitely limit this friendship and keep it more on a professional level, or stop it entirely. Your marriage and your testimony are too important to even chance it. It is not a good situation!!! Women usually cheat, not for physical needs, but for emotional. Take heed!

The sexual relationship you have with your husband has to change. The only way it is going to is if it starts with you. I understand how you feel, your physical pain, your fears, and your insecurities. Figure out a birth control that you can deal with for starters and do so immediately (even if it something you don't care for). It is the only way to help with your fears of becoming pregnant. Secondly, you are going to have to start working on your attitude about yourself sexually. Your husband waited for you, and stays with you and wants you. Don't deny him. That is sin and one that greatly affects the both of you. Get over yourself. Change your attitude that it is not about you but him (for now). Sit down and have a huge discussion about how you want to change and you need his help. Pray about this. Pray that God helps you overcome your pride and selfishness (because that it what it is; you are more concerned about how you look and feel than you are your husband's needs and desires, as well as overlooking the importance of this relationship to your children). Recognize this as sin, rebuke your thoughts, and force yourself to at least change your actions. Start seeking to please him at least once a week. Just go to bed naked if that's all you can muster for now. After this, then there are things to do next - but I'll stop for now. Start there, but don't stop there.

You are in a very dangerous situation. Your needs are being met by a wonderful man. You could be putting this man at great risk of sin as well, at least the temptation of lust. Don't do that to him. Think of both men and your chilren. Your marriage is not worth losing or damaging over this, or just the possibility of it. If your husband becomes jealous, even just over the friendship, you are hurting your marriage. It's just not worth the possibility!!!!

I highly recommend the book Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl (nogreaterjoy.org). If you can't afford one, let me know. I will get one to you.

The only thing that sets your marriage apart from any other relationship you can have with anyone else is sex. If that is not going well (with very few exceptions), your marriage is hurting and slowly dying whether you choose to realize it or not. Help yourself - read this book from cover to cover even if you don't like it. She will give you wonderful, practical advice and you will be grateful in the end. So will your husband. So will your children.

I'd be happy to talk with you privately as well.

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First thing to keep in mind - this is a PHYSICAL therapist for your son and not a PSYCHOtherapist for you. Surely you have girlfriends that you can talk to the way you feel you can talk to him. And trust me - I have a brother and I wouldn't talk to him about husband and sex issues.

Is it possible for a man and woman to be only friends and nothing more - of course. If is possible to be friends with the opposite sex and not think about a sexual thing with that person - not very often. If you are talking to this man about things of this nature you have other problems in your marriage other than lack of sex.

I would suggest you and husband engage in marriage counseling to see what those problems are and see if there is a resolution to them.

Based on your scenario of the sex it sounds as if there is a deeper issue than what you've described. You don't want to engage in sex because you wanted to remain pure (understandable). You didn't want to have sex because you wanted to be married several years before, you didn't like condoms and you wouldn't take responsibility of taking a daily pill. Did you look at other alternatives - there are tons available. If you did and for medical reasons they didn't work - all understandable reasons. If you did not look at other options - there are underlying problems that you are choosing not to recognize.

Good luck.....

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J., you are going through the 7 year itch. It happens to most married people. You are wife, a mom, a volunteer, a caregiver and you need to stop and see how fortunate you are. You married young and I am guessing were pretty sheltered. You have not had a lot of experiences with grown up relationships. You are mistaking kindness with something way more than it really is. He is a professional and is there to do a job. He is kind and listens to yo, but you need to let him do his job and you need to find some friends.

You give and give, but you must also ask for what you need and want and you should start at home. Figure out what needs to be updated in your marriage and really work on it. Do you need to feel like a woman? Do you feel like being a mother is great, but maybe you need some grown up contact? Maybe some more education?

I do not know how you feel about birth control, but you need to figure out something that will work for you, if that is the real and only reason you are reluctant to have sex with your husband. There are many alternatives. No excuses.

Body issues are a maturity thing. Many women look at what they consider flaws in their bodies instead of seeing that their bodies are true vessels of life and beauty. The stretch marks are there, because of your "Beautiful Baby Boys." They are a record that you are a woman and a mom. They are not flaws they are a gift.

You need to start sharing your feelings and thoughts with your husband. That is one of the most important gifts a wife can give her husband. I am guessing it is easier to speak with this other gentleman, cause the house or office is quieter when he is around. You need to make your conversations just as important and quiet for your own husband. Get a sitter. Go somewhere and have a date night EVERY week. MAKE and FIND the time. No excuses. Tell your husband you want things to change. Do not push him out or leave him with no idea what is going on. That is not a true marriage. Find a marriage counselor and find the energy and go. No Excuses.

I am sending you clarity.

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You are a runaway train headed for a hugh crash, a brick wall.. It is extremely dangerous what you are doing.
Stop and try to turn this energy to your husband. Find some way to talk to him as you do this physical therapist.
Get some counseling on your sexual problem, you are going to destroy your family . Learn about the church's method to not get pregnant, you seem to be a great candidatefo it as you could suspend sex for a week. Remember holding back for your husband is against your marriage vows, God made you in his image, Love yourself so you love your husband and children. You should also talk to your doctor about your sex drive, it could be that you are lacking hormones. Anyhow start working on you marriage. Stay friends with your daughters therapist, but at the same time take the time to talk to your husband about the same conversations you had with this other person. I know I have been there, and I know what can happen.

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J.,
As a Christian you should know your body belongs to your husband. Neither husband or wife is supposed to deny the other intimacy. Intimacy is an important part of a marriage. I would advise going to see the doctor about your pain issues and birth control. There are several other options other than the ones you have tried. You are missing that closeness that intimacy brings to your marriage and are getting close with the therapist instead. Not a good idea! See your doctor and take care of you and your husband.
M.

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About the therapist-- if you have to question whether something is right or wrong, you pretty much already have your answer, don't you?

About the low sex drive, I think we've been there, I know I have. What worked for me was that I tried to picture my life without my husband....I know that sounds weird as far as how that could work. But it honestly did.
It made me want him more, and it focused in on us and what we have together.

God gave you that family, please take care of them. :)
~~~Huggs~~~

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sounds like u have some issues u need to address with your husband. even though you "don't like sex", that is a needed part for intimacy in a good solid marriage. it looks as though you're filling that intimacy void thru being socially intimate with your therapist. i think that is a fine line to dance on. maybe your husband is "physically attractive", but that doesn't mean you are physically attracted to him. from what you say, it sounds like you enjoy the therapist's company more than your husbands...not a good recipe for a good marriage. you recognize that, or u wouldn't be questioning the relation.

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Your child's physical therapist has already crossed the lines of professionalism. Period. You and your husband would benefit from counseling together. You can check with
your husband's Employee Assistance Program (almost all companies have them). I'm sure you can find a good Christian counselor that can help you with all of your concerns. If you cannot refrain from discussing personal marriage issues with your child's physical therapist, then I suggest finding another physical therapist that will focus on your child. I wish you the best.

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Hi J., I do understand and can sympathize with you to a degree. First I would like to say that it is totally fine for a man and woman to have a friendship. However be careful, sometimes telling a man or woman (in a man's case) too much information about what's going on in your home is dangerous. Often this is how affairs start because that person knows vunerable information about you. Although you may not be thinking about having a sexual relationship with this man, he could have other motives. He could also begin to have feelings for you because your so open with him. The way you communicate with him should actually be the way that you communicate with your mate. When you have time you should read a book called "The five love languages" by Gary Chapman. If we all learn how to effectively communicate with our spouses, they would become that person that we could share anything with. Is your husband comfortable with your friendship? How do you think he may feel about some of the conversations that you have with this man (although they may be innocent)?
I understand not having sex before marriage and I can somewhat understand having a low sex drive. However, you should look into ways of correcting that problem. I believe you when you say that your husband is loving and would never cheat, but if you don't give him sex eventually he will become sexually frustrated. There are several things you could do to have a stronger sex drive. Try doing some research and start off slow maybe have sex with your husband once every other month, then try every month and then once a week. You have to start somewhere because not having sex with your husband in two years is very drastic. There are also several options out there for birth control besides the pill. You can try the Nuvo ring, the birth control patch, Meraina (sp). I personally use the patch and I didn't get pregnant until we decided to come off birth control to have children. Give your husband what he needs before another woman does. I will be praying for you.

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Hi J.,

Just my opinion, but I do think there is something in appropriate about your relationship with the PT. If you have to ask, it means you think you might be crossing a line, and I think it is best not to go there. I'm not saying it is cut and dry "wrong" but it is crossing some boundary that is in your own heart. And possibly your husband's.

My husband's company (a Christian ministry) does not allow men to drive with their secretaries when they are going to the same place. It's because very few marriages end because of bad intentions. They end because a casual friendship develops into emotional intimacy and then your spouse starts to doubt... you can imagine where this is going. While I think this measure is unnecessary, I SO appreciate it, even though I trust my husband completely. Setting clear boundaries means no worry. No chance of anything ruining your marriage.

If I were you I'd see a dr. about the painful sex. You might have a medical reason for it not being enjoyable. I'm sorry to say that while this might be comfortable for you to brush under the table, it is really unfair to your husband. Your lack of urges don't match his, I'm assuming, and while he is INCREDIBLY generous about it, it really is just unfair to say, "you can't have sex with anyone but me. But I'm not going to do it with you, either." Maybe he's appreciate it if you were as generous as he by giving him some more. NOT that I don't understand your position, mind you, I went through a couple of years not caring for it myself after my first child was born. My husband told me that he can live with out the actual act of sex, but along with it comes the feeling that he is desired, that he has something I want. He didn't want to feel unwanted. It was an eye opener for me.

See a doctor about this. Some day he might resent you for it. Good luck.

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First you need to show this letter to your doctor and make sure there are no physical issues that could be cause the pain during sex, or any hormone inbalances. Then discuss IUD's, patches, shots and other longer term birth control methods - certainly not wanting to get pregnant can effect your libido. Buy some personal lubricant (not warming or anything funky like that)and perhaps do some reading on the subject. Once you know that physical issues are being addressed you can begin to see if emotional or relationship issues are involved.

It sounds like finding a professional therapist or counselor for you to talk with would be valuable. Just having two small children with health issues creates enough stress to make finding some mental health support important. You in fact are using the PT as a mental health counselor and that is not his job, and could lead either or both of you into crossing professional or personal boundries that you will regret.

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Wow! You have a lot going on and you've already received a lot of responses. Hopefully you've gotten some great advice (I didn't have time to read them all--sorry if this is repetitive). I think it is fine for you to have a male friend, as long as it isn't something you feel you need to hide from your husband. If you start seeing hiim outside of your son's appointments, and you don't feel you can tell your husband about it, then you have ventured into 'inappropriate' territory. Second, as far as birth control, I have had several friends who have used the IUD with great success. They don't even know it is there, they don't have to remember anything, and they don't get pregnant. Third, you shouldn't have pain when you have sex. I think what you really need is a great female OB/gyn who will listen to all of your concerns and then treat you accordingly and give you sound advice. Finally, it isn't fair to withhold sex from your husband, and it is unrealistic to believe that he will never go outside of your marriage for it. Trust me, I know from experience that this can happen with the person in your life whom you least expect it from! He would probably feel terrible and live with horrible guilt, but it CAN happen! It sounds like you both love and respect each other, so you really need to get a handle on what is going on with you so that you can have a normal relationship with your husband. Have you thought about a marriage counselor or emotional therapist to help you through all of this? You have a lot to deal with, and I strongly recommend that you get some help in sorting it all out. Good luck!

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I would be very careful about having a guy friend in your life that is closer to you than your own husband. As women we tend to attach ourselves to someone who will listen and you really need a female friend in your life to fill that role.

About sex - HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND! That is such an incredible way that the two of you bond, not to mention as a man he has to feel terribly rejected by the fact that his own wife won't have sex with him. Try talking to your doctor about the pain during sex and doing some serious research to find a good contraceptive. It sounds like the problems in your marriage are 100% fixable and it sounds like you have a great husband. Do all you can to love and serve him and He will do the same to you!

I know it's fun to snuggle and just hang out with your husband and it's great that you love his company, but men are different than women and need different things - sex being one of them. Try reading, "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It's great!

BTW - I'm sure your husband thinks you are BEAUTIFUL! We as ladies tend to just focus on our bodies flaws - but, you are his wife, and the mother of his children and I'm sure he finds you irresistible!

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First, do not forget that you are paying this therapist to be nice to you. Would you two still be friends outside a professional relationship?

Second, if you really ARE friends, there is nothing wrong with having a friendly, platonic relationship with someone of any sex. As long as your husband comes first. Yes, there are some things that you can't talk to your spouse about (like complaining about his mother?), but if you find yourself more emotionally involved with this other man, only the is it even an issue.

Third, if you're not interested in sex, that might be part of the problem with it being painful for you. Lack of interest makes the natural lubrication weak, so a lubricant might help you. For the record, stary away from the fancy "his and her" or "warming" ones - just a basic one will do.)Also, yes, I too have a friend who got pregnant on birth control - she used it incorrectly. You have to be on it at least 30 days before it starts to work, and she forgot that. Twice. (I have my suspicions about her "forgetting".) If used correctly, though, it could be okay - 99.9%, I believe. As for not taking it every day at the same time, you can actually miss one completely and still be in the 99% effectiveness range, according to atudy I just read in Women's Health (just don't miss two). Or you could try the depo shot - once every 12 weeks. You can only use it for a total of 2 years, though. Or an IUD - depending on which one, good for 5 or 10 years, with 99.99% effectiveness - that's one out of every 10,000 women. And as for body issues - start with leaving the light off - and sometimes it's actually fun to leave a loose-fitting shirt or nightgown on, too.

But, if your sex life is mutually satisfying to both of you, then it's not really a problem. It really comes down to what works best for you.

Anyway, I hope all this helps, even if just a little.

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That's a really long post so I'll try and briefly address the questions:

1. If you think you are and/or are questioning whether you might be getting too close to the therapist - then you are - and you should make note and act accordingly. You are married to a great guy, as you've said. You did get married pretty young though. I've often heard men state that it is hard to actually just be friends with women. You will probably need a period of self reflection on the situation rather than group advice though.

2. Check out the Fertility Awareness Method. There's a great book on it...I think by Welscher...learn your body signs and when you ovulate. You will come to realize that there are actually very few days when you can become pregnant. You then can avoid sex on those days, etc. Or, if you are through with having children, perhaps look into a more permanent form of birth control.

Good Luck.

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Get your tubes tied or get him fixed, then fake it until you make it.

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Talk to your OBGYN for other birth control options!! Sex can be a VERY wonderful and exciting experience if you're not worried about getting pregnant!! Good luck!

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J.,
I think you should find a different therapist. This is a dangerous situation for even a happily married woman. I would find a woman who is sympathic and can perhaps help you through these things. A man is still a man even when he is a therapist.
I would not really like it if my husband was so close to his therapist of the opposite sex.
It is better to prevent a bad outcome.
Good luck, I understand about the sex thing too as I have been through that as well.

W.

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Its never a good thing to have a relationship with another man no matter how innocent it seems. I think it would be beneficial for you and your husband to get some counseling, maybe through your church or another organization you trust. It seems like there are a few issues to be dealt with. If you don't have anyone to call for counseling our church pastors do a lot of marrital counseling. Austin Ridge Bible Church. www.austinridge.org

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Wow. You talk to this therapist during your sons sessions. Wonder what your kid thinks of you. I am supprised no one else had mentioned this in their responses. If you have to ask if it is wrong you have already crossed the line--for one. Get medical help for your birth control and pain. Pain in sex normally means there is something else wrong. There is also something called the 7 year itch. Most of the time KILLS marriages even on the good. If anything bothers your husband it is bigger than he is telling you--anyway. Not everyone is a adulterer but from my view of the bible you are having an adulterous affair right in front of your kid! God is good ALL the time but the devil is the ruler here on earth. He is attacking your family.

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J.,

Sounds like you have your hands full with your kids, but that is no excuse for neglecting your husband sexually. You have other options for birth control. If you don't want to have any more kids or are worried about having another child with medical issues, then get your tubes tied. Adoption is an option, if you still want more kids.
I once heard a well known female pastor say, "If you don't take care of your man (sexually), some one else will". Don't think that just because you've talked about not cheating on each other, doesn't mean it can not happen. You're on your way of possibly cheating with your childs therapist by the way you describe him. The openess that you have with the therapist, should be the way you communicate with your husband.
I hope all works out for you.

God Bless,
E.

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there are so many red flags in your request i strongly suggest that you seek councling. not as a couple unless your theripist suggests it. also as far as sex always being painful ask your gyno about it. you might have an extra muscle that needs to be delt with. quick and easy thing to fix. you truly need to put the focus back on your husband!

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Hi J.,
It looks like you may have already gotten plenty of advice. If I could offer something....intimacy on any level...even emotional...can open you to more than you planned...most christian marriage ministries advise that you guard your marriage from those type of relationships with the opposite sex.
You did not mention how your husband felt about the lack of physical intimacy. Sounds like there are many issues involved.the pregnancy and pain issue..perhaps your gyn. could advise you. Most husbands do consider the physical relationship very important in the marriage. Hormone imbalance can affect your sex drive. I think when we begin to understand our husband's needs....we can "get in the mood" in our desire to meet his needs. I have women friends who have told me they prayed, asking God to give them an increase in desire and He did! I'm sure there are some answers for you. Do you attend a church? Often there are women who will talk, counsel and pray together with you.
I know the Lord will help you. He is concerned about every detail of our lives. Sound like you have a precious family and husband...I will pray for you.
Blessings,
D.

From one Christian to another: If you feel the need to keep this friendship from your husband..there is your answer right there!!!! One thing can lead to another weather you mean too or not! There is a such thing as an emotional affair that can get you in trouble too! As far as birth control and sex: I recommend getting an IUD. You have a very light period if any and it lasts 5 years! It is wonderful!!! Also, there is a such thing as a low hormone level in your body that could be low causing you to not be interestedin your husband phsycially. get that checked out! Good for your husband for sticking with you on not having sex very often! I would say it is not healthly marriage without intimacy and that issue needs to be addressed. Also working out and making yourself feel more actirve always helps too! All of these things you talk about have been my marriage at one point or another and these are the things we tried. I would stop talking to this man friend, talk to your husband, see a doc about your sexdrive and get a new birth controal, possible IUD so that you can enjoy each other w/o worring about having and other child! Best of luck to you! God Bless you and your family!

J., no having a guy for a friend is not wrong as long as both understand the boundaries of friendship. I grew up with many brothers, sometimes it is easier to talk to a guy and have had guy friends forever. I think it is becaue you get a male point of view. You should not be ashamed, no you have not done anything wrong; come on Cassia, lets be supportive. If you feel that your emotional feelings are becoming dependent on this man, then back it up. You did not say how he felt about your situation. You said you felt like he was botherly to you. Does he feel like your a sister to him? I have been friends with my neighbors/girlfriend and her husband for years. I talk to both or one at a time as I understand boundaries of friendship and respect that. I could never see, feel, or think of her husband as anything more because 1. like you he reminds me more of a brother. Fall for or sleep with my brother, ICK!!! 2. She is my Friend. 3. I also know he is very much in love with his wife and respects her. Point being, set boundaries of this friendship; if it is to continue?
Why can't you tell these things to your husband?
The fact that you are reaching out here to me means you have admitted to a problem and are looking for a solution. Seek some help. Start with talking to your husband. You have not said how he feels about an absent sex life. Seek counseling if needed together or alone. It sounds like you both have really alot of love, trust, & RESPECT for each other. Build on that.
Also, get to the GYN Dr. It's not the first time the Dr has had these problems or concerns come through the door. Get a good exam done to make sure the physical isn't part or all of the problem. Discuss ALL the birth control options. I know you are a christian, as I am, and I do not mean to ruffle anybodys feathers, but is a tubal an option if you do not want anymore children? (Needs to be discussed with your husband) I'm just throwing that out there as it sounds like you have alot on your plate with Family.
Just a thought, intimacy is not only the actual act (intercourse) but is also the words (Hi handsome/beautiful, you are so amazing, I Love You) and small actions like hand across the back or cheek, a smile across the room, a kiss for no reason, just cuddling, etc. Sometimes the small simple actions build up the the physical desire. Flowers to all who suggested books on building intimacy, great resource.
Be blessed, stay strong. God never gives us more than we can handle and will be there to see you, and your Family, through.

Have not looked at other responses, but you've got a lot going on in your request. I'm not exactly clear what question you are asking, but here is an outsiders point of view:

You seem to be struggling with whether you are being unfaithful to your husband, by having a friendship with your physical therapist.

You are justifying your neglect of your husband sexually (but then say its not hormonal, just not important).

You have pain during intercourse.
You hate the way the stretchmarks make you look.

You don't think you can handle more children but aren't thrilled with birth control and talk about God not giving you more than you can handle.

And why are you noticing other men are attractive? (It kind of sounds like sex is really more important than you are letting on, to me)

It does seem like you have something to be concerned about if you are sharing confidences like these with a man who is not your husband.

You don't want your husband to see you like you are (stretch marks and pregnancy) intimately, but its ok for therapist, because he listens to you. You want advice; here is some that is biblical: FLEE! run out of his confidence and into your husband's.

I remember some of the same exact feelings about sex, pain, stretchmarks, infrequency at about the same year of marriage that you are in. And quite frankly, though you say its not, it is partly hormonal, plus a whole lot of fatigue and insecurity.

Taking some time to just spend with your husband and talk about the sexual areas of your life may open both of your eyes...things got so much better when we did...My husband helped me see that the stretch marks didn't bother him. He was amazed at the incredible act of childbirth and considered them part of this that reminded him of my selflessness. (It was just the right thing for me to hear) Episiotomy scar pain etc. decreased dramatically after the birth of subsequent children and years of faithfulness with eachother covered us with blessings. The stretchmarks fade.

I cannot give you ideas on birth control, nor on feelings of not being able to handle more children, this is something to lay before God, and to discuss with your husband.

I would really stop asking your physical therapist for counsel and look to your husband. If you can't stick to a professional relationship with your PT, get a new one.

ooops...thought it was your physical therapist...its your son...perhaps you are talking too much at his sessions...talk to your husband instead.

Check out: www.aboverubies.org

I must say that I feel sorry for your husband because he must really feel cheated. J., if you are that fearful of getting pregnant then why haven't you done anything to prevent the pregnancies? You must be married to the most wonderful man who stays with you even though you withold sex from him. I pray that holds true in the years to come. You are missing out on the many joys that you could be experiencing with your husband. It isn't just the act of sex. It is the closeness, the intimacy, knowing that you are satisfying the desires of your mate. My prayers are with you and your husband. As far as your friendship with the doctor I would say proceed with great caution and remember that most affairs do not start out with someone looking for an affair, they are looking for a friend and it grows into an affair - christian or not christian

Sounds like the 7 year itch.

Have you thought of him getting a vasectomy or you getting your tubes tied and this fear of pregnancy would not be an issue? It can be very liberating not to have to worry about
pregnancy.

This may sound crass, but hear goes. Someone just hasn't ticked your fancy just right.
I used to think something was wrong with me because I didn't care for sex either. After my divorce from my husband and I started dating some, I found out that I did like sex, just needed the right partner. My husband had been my first also so I had no idea that sex could be any different. Thought I was a freak. Had to get divorced to find out sex was not that bad, it it actually quite pleasurable with the right partner.

I don't see a problem with your friendship so long as it is open to your husband. Once you start hiding things from him or lying the problems are sure to follow. On the other hand though do you and your husband talk about everything your and your girlfriends talk about? Dont forget though, your sons PT sessions are for him so let rhe concentration be on him. Regarding your issues with sex I would see a doctor to make sure there is no medical reason that is causing the pain during sex (other than the very long time periods between sexual encounters). It is possible that could be the cause of the pain. I understand not wanting to get pregnate. Once thing to consider is the Mirena IUC. It is similar to an IUD except it is not metal, it is flexible plastic with hormone inside. You have to replace it once every 5 years but no worries in between. As for frequency this is really something that you and your husband need to decide on. He may be fine with the current frequency or he may really need it more. My husband and I have very different drives. I am content with a couple times a month ( I am perpetually tired after taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, etc) while he could go a couple times a day if possible. Instead of letting it become a big problem we discussed what the issues were and dealt with them. I get tired early so if it is going to happen it needs to be shortly after the kids go to bed. Consequently if I am tired more than usual I need to work on giving it to him more. It was a comprimise (sp?) on both behalfs that each of us could live with. You do not "owe" it to him whenever he wants it but you do need to fix the issues at hand and have sex with him much more than once every 2 years. Sex has no meaning and little intimacy for me (as you a prefer the cuddle conversations) HOWEVER it DOES carry meaning and intimacy for HIM (something I need to understand). I remember being worried after my second child about how I looked. I have gained weight and have more stretch marks than I like. I had issues at first letting him see me because I wasnt happy with how I looked so I thought he couldnt be either. I gave him the chance though (the idea of a confidant-not my own) and he surprised me. He still finds me as ever attractive and it doesnt bother him. After all it was me and and my body that gave birth to his wonderful children (he did come up with that on his own). I guess what I am trying to say is -- I would talk with your husband and maybe a therapist for you. It seems like you may need to work through some of your own issues before you will be able to relax about all this. Take care of the things that nag at you, the birth control, ensure no medical reason for pain, then give him the opportunity to show you just how attractive he still thinks you are (you may be surprised). Goodluck, I hope you and your husband have a happy life full of love.