41 answers

Is a Married Couple's Sex Life Really a Barometer of Their Relationship?

My husband and I have sex very infrequently...maybe once a month? Maybe less. Especially after we had our children (5 and 2) and after we bought a house that needs A LOT of renovations that we are doing ourselves.

The thing is though we get along so well and we never ever argue. I don't look at him as my brother or best friend...I do look at him as my husband. From everything I read my marriage is on the road to failure because we don't have frequent sex...can that really be true? Is sex really the barometer of a relationship? What do you think?

I'm not really looking for advice on having more sex because we're okay with how it is but I'm just curious how other people view sex and marriage.

EDIT: Yes! We are fine but I want to know what YOU think about sex frequency and marriage...

1 mom found this helpful

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Featured Answers

Nope, sounds like you guys are doing great. Most men will express to you if they are not happy with the amount of sex. If you both are ok with it, I dont see the problem.

6 moms found this helpful

The right amount of sex for any couple is the amount they're happy and satisfied with. For some, that's several times a day, for others, it's once every few months.

4 moms found this helpful

I believe it depends on the couple.
If you guys really have a great relationship and just don't have a lot of sex, than I think you still have a great relationship.
THere are many ways to show love and be intimate without having sex every night.

My husband and I go through spells. Right now I'm, personally going crazy cause its been several days haha
We're remodeling a house too. Its a lot of work. and we are both SOO tired all the time.

I think if a couple is not having any sex, with no communication and no affection in other ways, THEN they might have a bit of a problem.

3 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Sure it's a barometer IF and ONLY IF certain things are true about your life and marriage. Like, to borrow a concept from 5 love languages (great common sense concept)... if sex is how one shows and feels love.

For example... it's a barometer in MINE, because I like having sex every day -usually a few times a day-, and so does my husband. On average we'd have sex 4-500 times a year for nearly 9 years. If we're not having sex (and we haven't in months, maybe twice this past YEAR), it's because one of us (ahem, me) is out and out refusing to. I won't have sex with some I don't respect, and I don't respect him.

Now... a girlfriend of mine averages once a week. That's is NO indication that her relationship is having problems. She has a lower sex drive than I do. If she and hubby happen to be tired that week, it doesn't happen. They had a baby and they're only up to bat a few times a year.

BOTH of us are having sex about an equal number of times. In MY life, the lack of sex denotes HUGE problems, in her life... it's just that she and hubby need more sleep. They're happy, in love, great friends... We're miserable.

I think sudden changes in sexual activity are INDICATIVE of a change in your life, but not necessarily a change for the worse in one's marriage. A change isn't always a bad thing. More doesn't = better.

9 moms found this helpful

Not at all. I will give you an example:
One of my best friends and I dish about everything including sex. She and her husband frequently have amazing sex. By amazing, I mean... the loud, crazy kind. Every position, long and drawn out, role playing, etc. (Sorry if I sound creepy, we just have been on a lot of vacations together and they are pretty loud). And, yeah, I have worried a bit before since that is not how my husband and I are at all. We have enjoyable sex, but it is much more of the "get it done" type as we have 3 small children (my friend has none) and I am just not as into sex as she is. But ya know what? Despite how much sex they have, they are not very happy in their relationship. It has been like that for years. They are always arguing, she often feels unloved and unfulfilled, they don't have much in common. I have a very happy relationship with my husband. There might not be the mega sexual fireworks, but we are nearly always on the same page, we communicate, we enjoy each others company, we very rarely argue. Our relationship works for us.

As long as both you and your husband are ok with your sex life, that is what matters. :)

6 moms found this helpful

I don't think it is. I think the frequency of sex is a problem...well...when it's a problem! If both are on the same page then how would it be a problem?

Marriages go through all kinds of peaks and valleys, and while I do agree that it's good to make time for your spouse, life happens!

6 moms found this helpful

Nope, sounds like you guys are doing great. Most men will express to you if they are not happy with the amount of sex. If you both are ok with it, I dont see the problem.

6 moms found this helpful

My husband and I might have sex 8 times a year (little less than once a month) but there is nothing wrong with our marriage. We have minor spats, but never "fight." We are respectful of each other and have equal roles in our family duties. We are just too tired! We have a 6 year old and a 3 year old. We get up at 5 am on weekdays so bedtime is 9-10. There's not enough time or energy to have relations very often. When we do, it's spectacular though! I think as long as both people have the same expectations it doesn't really matter.

5 moms found this helpful

If you like sex or making love and you don't get to, it can cause problems. And be an indicator of problems to be. If however, each of you are twice a year people, then enjoy those two times.

The problems really show up when one partner is once per day and the other is once per month and the once a month refuses to do anything except once per month.

Its extremely rare for a man to be happy with once per month. Ask him if he'd like to make love more often. If he does, then the kindest thing to do is to help him out, or for him to help you out.

Good luck to you and yours.

5 moms found this helpful

Nah. When my husband and I were first together, I was kinda crazy AND also a little clueless. I thought if there was an erection, sex must happen. He was amped about this at first and then was like "seriously? I just woke up and need to go pee".
When we were first married, we would have sex every day, sometimes up to 7 times a day. I was hysterically crying one day, and my best friend of 15 years who had seen me go through some craziness and NEVER saw me cry thought something was WRONG! I was just crying and saying "it's over, it's over" and she grabbed my head and said "WHAT HAPPENED" (she thought he'd beat me up or something!) I told her tearfully that we had gone 3 days and no sex. She stared hard at my eyes to see if I was joking, pushed my head away, and said "@#$* you, get out of my house". I was stunned and said "What?!" and she said "Get out of my house". LOL She then explained that this is normal. Now, 5 1/2 years and 2 children later, NO. NO. NO. We average 3 times a week now. We are very tired! We have a lot going on in our work, personal, family, etc. The children go to bed and then we just collapse on the couch and hold each other and wind down. We literally start snoring as our heads hit the pillows. But we are MUCH more safe, stable, connected, trusting, and happy than we were 5 years ago. We know for sure that we're there for each other. When we go on a date, it is just like it was when we were dating, instantly. It's so fun, and it's not work to just connect again. But there's also a deeper level of love and faith that we both have. So the sheer amount of sex is not the only gauge on how a relationship is doing. Perhaps the desire to? My husband says "the heart is willing, but the flesh needs to sleep" and we crack up laughing. We know it'll get better once things have calmed down a little around here. This is just a season, but love and commitment is forever.

5 moms found this helpful

The right amount of sex for any couple is the amount they're happy and satisfied with. For some, that's several times a day, for others, it's once every few months.

4 moms found this helpful

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