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Is a Married Couple's Sex Life Really a Barometer of Their Relationship?

My husband and I have sex very infrequently...maybe once a month? Maybe less. Especially after we had our children (5 and 2) and after we bought a house that needs A LOT of renovations that we are doing ourselves.

The thing is though we get along so well and we never ever argue. I don't look at him as my brother or best friend...I do look at him as my husband. From everything I read my marriage is on the road to failure because we don't have frequent sex...can that really be true? Is sex really the barometer of a relationship? What do you think?

I'm not really looking for advice on having more sex because we're okay with how it is but I'm just curious how other people view sex and marriage.

EDIT: Yes! We are fine but I want to know what YOU think about sex frequency and marriage...

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Nope, sounds like you guys are doing great. Most men will express to you if they are not happy with the amount of sex. If you both are ok with it, I dont see the problem.

6 moms found this helpful

The right amount of sex for any couple is the amount they're happy and satisfied with. For some, that's several times a day, for others, it's once every few months.

4 moms found this helpful

I believe it depends on the couple.
If you guys really have a great relationship and just don't have a lot of sex, than I think you still have a great relationship.
THere are many ways to show love and be intimate without having sex every night.

My husband and I go through spells. Right now I'm, personally going crazy cause its been several days haha
We're remodeling a house too. Its a lot of work. and we are both SOO tired all the time.

I think if a couple is not having any sex, with no communication and no affection in other ways, THEN they might have a bit of a problem.

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Sure it's a barometer IF and ONLY IF certain things are true about your life and marriage. Like, to borrow a concept from 5 love languages (great common sense concept)... if sex is how one shows and feels love.

For example... it's a barometer in MINE, because I like having sex every day -usually a few times a day-, and so does my husband. On average we'd have sex 4-500 times a year for nearly 9 years. If we're not having sex (and we haven't in months, maybe twice this past YEAR), it's because one of us (ahem, me) is out and out refusing to. I won't have sex with some I don't respect, and I don't respect him.

Now... a girlfriend of mine averages once a week. That's is NO indication that her relationship is having problems. She has a lower sex drive than I do. If she and hubby happen to be tired that week, it doesn't happen. They had a baby and they're only up to bat a few times a year.

BOTH of us are having sex about an equal number of times. In MY life, the lack of sex denotes HUGE problems, in her life... it's just that she and hubby need more sleep. They're happy, in love, great friends... We're miserable.

I think sudden changes in sexual activity are INDICATIVE of a change in your life, but not necessarily a change for the worse in one's marriage. A change isn't always a bad thing. More doesn't = better.

9 moms found this helpful

Not at all. I will give you an example:
One of my best friends and I dish about everything including sex. She and her husband frequently have amazing sex. By amazing, I mean... the loud, crazy kind. Every position, long and drawn out, role playing, etc. (Sorry if I sound creepy, we just have been on a lot of vacations together and they are pretty loud). And, yeah, I have worried a bit before since that is not how my husband and I are at all. We have enjoyable sex, but it is much more of the "get it done" type as we have 3 small children (my friend has none) and I am just not as into sex as she is. But ya know what? Despite how much sex they have, they are not very happy in their relationship. It has been like that for years. They are always arguing, she often feels unloved and unfulfilled, they don't have much in common. I have a very happy relationship with my husband. There might not be the mega sexual fireworks, but we are nearly always on the same page, we communicate, we enjoy each others company, we very rarely argue. Our relationship works for us.

As long as both you and your husband are ok with your sex life, that is what matters. :)

6 moms found this helpful

I don't think it is. I think the frequency of sex is a problem...well...when it's a problem! If both are on the same page then how would it be a problem?

Marriages go through all kinds of peaks and valleys, and while I do agree that it's good to make time for your spouse, life happens!

6 moms found this helpful

Nope, sounds like you guys are doing great. Most men will express to you if they are not happy with the amount of sex. If you both are ok with it, I dont see the problem.

6 moms found this helpful

My husband and I might have sex 8 times a year (little less than once a month) but there is nothing wrong with our marriage. We have minor spats, but never "fight." We are respectful of each other and have equal roles in our family duties. We are just too tired! We have a 6 year old and a 3 year old. We get up at 5 am on weekdays so bedtime is 9-10. There's not enough time or energy to have relations very often. When we do, it's spectacular though! I think as long as both people have the same expectations it doesn't really matter.

5 moms found this helpful

If you like sex or making love and you don't get to, it can cause problems. And be an indicator of problems to be. If however, each of you are twice a year people, then enjoy those two times.

The problems really show up when one partner is once per day and the other is once per month and the once a month refuses to do anything except once per month.

Its extremely rare for a man to be happy with once per month. Ask him if he'd like to make love more often. If he does, then the kindest thing to do is to help him out, or for him to help you out.

Good luck to you and yours.

5 moms found this helpful

Nah. When my husband and I were first together, I was kinda crazy AND also a little clueless. I thought if there was an erection, sex must happen. He was amped about this at first and then was like "seriously? I just woke up and need to go pee".
When we were first married, we would have sex every day, sometimes up to 7 times a day. I was hysterically crying one day, and my best friend of 15 years who had seen me go through some craziness and NEVER saw me cry thought something was WRONG! I was just crying and saying "it's over, it's over" and she grabbed my head and said "WHAT HAPPENED" (she thought he'd beat me up or something!) I told her tearfully that we had gone 3 days and no sex. She stared hard at my eyes to see if I was joking, pushed my head away, and said "@#$* you, get out of my house". I was stunned and said "What?!" and she said "Get out of my house". LOL She then explained that this is normal. Now, 5 1/2 years and 2 children later, NO. NO. NO. We average 3 times a week now. We are very tired! We have a lot going on in our work, personal, family, etc. The children go to bed and then we just collapse on the couch and hold each other and wind down. We literally start snoring as our heads hit the pillows. But we are MUCH more safe, stable, connected, trusting, and happy than we were 5 years ago. We know for sure that we're there for each other. When we go on a date, it is just like it was when we were dating, instantly. It's so fun, and it's not work to just connect again. But there's also a deeper level of love and faith that we both have. So the sheer amount of sex is not the only gauge on how a relationship is doing. Perhaps the desire to? My husband says "the heart is willing, but the flesh needs to sleep" and we crack up laughing. We know it'll get better once things have calmed down a little around here. This is just a season, but love and commitment is forever.

5 moms found this helpful

The right amount of sex for any couple is the amount they're happy and satisfied with. For some, that's several times a day, for others, it's once every few months.

4 moms found this helpful

i think it depends on both people in a marriage. if both of you don't need sex frequently than i don't see where it would be a problem in the marriage. some people don't have high sex drives. other people do. if one of you needed sex more often then there might be an issue to come up, but it sounds like you are doing fine.

3 moms found this helpful

I know that when my husband and I are having sex regularly we seem to be alot nicer to each other. Maybe its just the closness? I don't think sex is the be all end all but I think it helps. I don't always want to but am always glad I did!

3 moms found this helpful

It is never a question of how often but why the timing that predicts a doomed marriage. A couple could have sex every day yet one of them would rather climb a 20 story building than have sex but does it anyway, that is a marriage that is in trouble because they are not communicating.

Sex is just the area where poor communication shows up quicker, where one is not on the same page as the other and they are not talking about it. Instead one or both is either avoiding sex or having sex they don't want to.

3 moms found this helpful

I think you have to live the life which is most comfortable for both of you.

Peace....

3 moms found this helpful

I believe it depends on the couple.
If you guys really have a great relationship and just don't have a lot of sex, than I think you still have a great relationship.
THere are many ways to show love and be intimate without having sex every night.

My husband and I go through spells. Right now I'm, personally going crazy cause its been several days haha
We're remodeling a house too. Its a lot of work. and we are both SOO tired all the time.

I think if a couple is not having any sex, with no communication and no affection in other ways, THEN they might have a bit of a problem.

3 moms found this helpful

I do not think it is. I feel it is the quality not the quantity, ;) my DH and don't have sex that often but it is really good when we do and I often ask, why don't we do this more...and we just don't we are tired and have other things to take care of...like sleep!

3 moms found this helpful

I'm with the others on here, its whatever you want and are satisfied with. It is just another small part of marriage, there are lots of bits and peices that make up a good marriage. So enjoy each other...glad you have a good realationship!

2 moms found this helpful

I've heard the same thing, and it worried me...but frankly, I think it's more important that both partners are in agreement on the frequency rather than the actual NUMBER. I also think you look at the trend. I mean, if you were like bunnies before marriage and kids, but then turned into the desert sands...that's one thing...but if you both seem content and you both feel intimate and connected (intimacy doesn't have to = sex), then I don't think there's a problem.
Have you ever asked your husband how he feels about it? I've talked about it with my husband and we both kind of smile, shrug, and hug and agree that we're both happy with the way things are and also agree to be open and honest if things need to change for either of us.

Don't let what "they" say get you down...it can cause un-needed stress!

2 moms found this helpful

i think as long as you are both happy and you guys are both on the same terms and satisfied with your sex life, then its all good. sex isnt the only thing to a marriage, yes sometimes it can be a big deal but as long as your both happy then dont let a book tell you that what you are doing is right or wrong.

2 moms found this helpful

No, I dont think it measures how your marrige is. You both sound happy together, and content with how your lives together are. So who's to tell you that your marrige is on the rocks? It's your marrige, not anyone else's.
Every couple is different and will do things to their own choosing. If this situation works for you, and you are still happy and your marrige is running smooth then good for you!

I think if the love is still there then you are good to go. It only becomes a problem when someone becomes unhappy.

2 moms found this helpful

I think that it's really about how much sex you both like. If you are both once-a-monthers, that's a lot different than one wanting a lot more than the other.

I would say that if something were to happen that one of you met someone else who was sexually attractive and an affair ensued (not that I am saying this would happen), there would probably be a lot of sex involved because all of a sudden it would be all new again. That's the best reason I can think of to pay attention to having enough sex to keep someone else from looking attractive to your spouse. (Whatever "enough sex" really means.)

I have a friend who married a guy who was a youth pastor. Good looking guy! She was super excited to be with him - her first husband beat her. A year later I ran into her and she was getting a divorce. I asked her what happened, and she told me that he really didn't want to have sex with her - she basically had sex with him like 8 times in one year. And she said she just couldn't live with a man who didn't want her. She said she had come a long way to not live with a man who beat her. And she didn't want to live in a sexless marriage.

Anyway, you have to figure out if there is any problem with you two only having sex 12 times a year.

D.

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I agree with the other posters . . . if you are both satisfied then I don't think you have an issue. Just because society says you should be doing something differently doesn't mean it's right for you.

2 moms found this helpful

There are statistics.
Then, there is the individual couple and how they are.
Which is not covered by statistics, nor does it always apply.

If you and Hubby are happy, then that's good!

I think, one of the 'pressures' about this and if people/couples are happy.... depends on the pressures of the statistics and what couples 'should be doing'... but that is not always, what to go by.
Ya know?

So, it is feeling you have to be doing it as the statistics say, or going by your own levels of happiness, in your own relationship.

It is NOT, one size fits all.
It is not, an absolute that fits all couples.

2 moms found this helpful

I believe it's very important for a husband and wife to as intimate as they can. However everyone's different. My husband and I do it nightly. We have went 4 days once without and that was terrible! LOL

2 moms found this helpful

Not necessarily because every couple is different. For us, we're both in better moods and overall happier if we diligently make time for sex at least 3-4 days a week. That doesn't always happen, sometimes it's more like 1 time a week and we start to get at each other because that's the real source of frustration. The fact that we both know that though, helps us work through it.

I know couples though that have horrible relationships and use sex almost like their anger. They still don't communicate or work through their real problems, but they have sex all the time....so that's can't exactly be healthy.

1 mom found this helpful

There were times in my marriage that it was quite infrequent, not lately though. But one of the strongest marriages i know of is my brother and his wife and they barely ever have sex (religious reasons). Too each their own.

Personally i dont feel as close to my husband unless we are at least having regular foreplay or cuddling.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, we have 1 kid and one due in a couple weeks. We have an awesome relationship.

I do not think sex is a measure of a good relationship. We have sex when we both feel like it. Sometimes only once in a month, sometimes twice a week. Neither one of us is disappointed and we enjoy doing other things together rather than just having sex. Besides I would rather have quality than quantity :)

Well, we have four kids 7,6,4 and 2 AND we are constantly doing renovations to our house as well (bought a foreclosure that's a fixer-upper) We are in a fantastic relationship. We ARE best friends as well. We get along great. Been together for almost ten years. I've known him for 15 years.

We have sex on average about 25 times a month. I'm strongly sexually attracted to him. I mean, I still get butterflies when I just simply think of him. He turns me on by looking at me:) We hold hands and it still gives me that feeling that it did when we were 18 and not even dating yet. Knowing how wonderful it is to be close in more ways than one and not losing those first wonderful feelings yet growing deeper connections- I would not at ALL be interested in being in a marriage that didn't have all that. I really do think it is fabulous to have it "all" in a marriage. Why not? I feel I can tell him anything, and we talk constantly about this and that, and I'm never bored with him. We are not only connected "sexually", but in every other way as well. We agree on all the important things, and respect each other 100%. It is such an effortless bond, as well- so natural. It all works out so well, and I'm so very happy in my marriage.

I take sex as another level to my bond with him, and I do it because I want to. We bond as best friends, parents, lovers, partners, etc...

I do think sex is important because it is another aspect of your relationship- a very intimate bonding. I love being with him like that frequently. It is also healthier for your body to have sex often. I always think of it as some sort of "need" in men, as well. I do think that if you are both happy with the way things are it SHOULD be okay to not have sex often, it just is something I could never relate to. Is he okay with the infrequency?

As long as two people are on the same page it's all good.

I think as long as BOTH partners are happy with their sex life, then it doesn't matter how often sex happens.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for almost 13 and have 3 young children (4.5y, 3y, and 5m) so at this point we take what we can get when we can! LOL For us, it kinda comes and goes. We'll go a few weeks with nothing, then have a few weeks where it's every other day. I doubt that means that we love each other more those weeks when we're friskier and not so much on the weeks when we're busier, more tired and stressed :o)

I think it's like everything else related to a marriage - if the two people in the marriage are satisfied, and no one is getting harmed, then it's fine! It's YOUR relationship. You two define it, and dtermine what's needed. That definition, and the needs, may change over time, but if you are both happy and in agreement, who cares what other people are doing!

I'm in the same place as you. We would normally have sex once, may twice, a month, and now that I'm 9 months pregnant, we haven't even had it in over a month and a half. But we're very close, we're best friends, he's really the only person I can truly confine in and tell anything without fearing he'll judge me, and the only true person that gives me peace at the end of the day. We're both ok with how things are. We also have a 3 yr old already which has been keeping us busy, and we're usually very tired by the time evenings come around. In the mornings, I like to sleep up to the last minute before I get up for work, so I'm not into sex then. But it doesn't matter. We spend our weekends together and make every effort to do everything together, be it shopping for groceries, home depot, whatever. This is where we catch up on "being together" which I think is so much more important than sex. Also, as a side note, we've known each other for 16 yrs now (married for 6) and when we first met, we used to have sex at least a few times a day on days when we saw each other and I used to feel a lot less secure in our relationship then than I do now. Best of luck, I think you have nothing to worry about. Relationships that feed on sex are the ones that don't make it through the years.

Good question! I agree with those that say it is the same thing as the other parts of your marriage. For my husband and me it varies depending on what's happening in our lives, but we are both comfortable with each other and support and communicate openly. It helps to have open dialogue about it and to really know if your partner is being honest with you. If your preferences of frequency or other things differ, then it could be difficult. Thanks for posting this! I needed this too!

I am another one to say that whatever is cool for a couple is great. I mean the key is that people in the relationship are happy, that's it. I am very grateful that my hubby and I seemed to be pretty in sync in this area. We have our frisky times and then slower times related to frequency. Just life I guess! The only time I think frequency is a problem is if one is unhappy or if sex or being sexual together is not ever happening. I don't think sex is necessarily a barometer for a relationship unless it isn't happening!

Hi!
My husband and I have been married for 16 years. We are very happy, and out level of sexual activity varies from month to month, year to year. AS long as both of you are happy w/the way things are, and you communicate well w/each other, you should be fine. Sex drive is a very personal thing. It sounds like the two of you are very compatible that way. Intimacy is very important, but can be expressed in other ways as well as sex. :)

Sex is not, but intamacy definitely is. Most people (men especially) think you have ot have s-e-x to be intimate with your spouse. Not true. My husband and I have a very active sex life, way more than most of our friends, but I think it is staying connected to eachother is way more of a measure of your relationship.

When I saw your posting I went to check my 'app'! See I keep track of my cycle cause its so wacky and on it I can keep track of sex. So I look back and I notice we average about 5 times a month - my husband had a vasectomy 8 years ago and youd think it would be more. I was like whoa! I really thought it was more. Guess it feels like it even if we didnt. My husband is my best friend and we have great conversations, we spend time with each other as much as possible. He turns me on just by looking at him, sex at that moment would be great, but sometimes we just fall asleep cuddled like that. On the other hand I cant tell you when I last made out with him, I do kiss him when he leaves the house lol... Or that last time we held hands like young lovers do. I dont think sex is so crucial to a marriage that without it, it means one is on the road to failure. Thats just crazy.

Happily married 8 years - together 10 years with one child together.

There's a difference between love and sex. Love goes beyond sex and is very difficult to even explain. Love is the warmth and caring, which you have for one another and the reason you got married in the first place. If sex were love, then all the prostitutes in the world love every one of their "Johns." Sex is a funny thing. It can mean something totally different between 2 people in love and 2 people just experimenting like some teenagers do. Some married couples may carry on as if they are on a perminant honeymoon, while others are content with an occational "whoopie." It doesn't mean one couple is in love more than the other. No, marriage is more than bedtime fun. A marriage is the way you occationally glance at each other with soft understanding eyes, it's that time when you make what you think is a average meal and your husband raves over it, that time you bring your hubby something to drink when he's working hard mowing the grass, etc. As for arguing, some couples do and some don't. We don't argue much, but my husband does throw temper tantrums. I think it's his high blood pressure. Then he'll do something to make me smile. Oh...sex....What's that??? Yep, we're 2 old geezers. Not much action here, just when we're in the mood. Don't bother to count. The only problem with infrequent sex is that he gets too turned on too quickly and I feel like we're "Jack rabbits." (lol)

I would say it is a barometer IF one or both of the partners is dissatisfied with the frequency or content of the sexual experience. If you are both fine with it, whatever floats your boat.

I'm sure this has been said, but infrequent sex is only a problem if it's a problem for you. Intimacy with your spouse is crucial, but that doesn't necessarily mean sex. I think it does mean physical affection (kissing, snuggling, etc.) and emotional intimacy. Sex is probably the most obvious way to be intimate, but it is certainly not the only one.

A couples sex life is their business and no one elses. This society puts too much value on sex as if it's the be all and end all when there are so many other more important things that give us everlasting joy. Couples who place too much value on sex get short changed in other areas of their relationship. Sex can compliment a relationship. In my relationship we practice Nfp natural family planning so we have to learn to wait when the right time is which helps you to appreciate each other more I think when coupled feel that sex is available to them anytime it devalues their worth to one another. It's quality not quantity.

As long as you feel the same way about it, I think it's okay. I think the problem comes up when one person wants it all the time and the other never wants it.

Hmmmmm... DH and I also only get around to sex about once a month. DD is only 9 months old so it's just too hard to find time and energy. My husband works in the TV industry and rarely gets home before 7pm. By the time we eat dinner, do dishes, put DD to bed.... we usually don't crawl into bed until midnight. Neither of us have any energy. I don't think sex has anything to do with a good marriage. I feel like our marriage and our relationship is just as strong as it always was.

And also, consider this, God forbid one of you were in an accident or something and unable to have sex again. Would you end the marriage or would you stay together? That, to me, is the true sign of a strong relationship. Not how much sex you have.

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