Relationship Falling Apart - Memphis,TN

H.,
I don't know how you feel about prayer, but if I were you I would start praying for God to give you the answer you need. Anytime that it is on your mind pray to the lord and let him take it off your shoulders and after a while you will get a sign to tell you which direction to take.
Jen

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H.,
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time....I know first hand how you must feel.....I myself do not have the same problem that you are facing...but I come from parents that battled that same battle every day that they were together....They eventually got divorced, but all the years that they stayed together uphappy made my child hood and my older brothers a living nightmare....My mom was kinda like you...not wanting us to hear them fight and all of the things that come with the bad feeling towrds one another....but you do not have to be fighting for kids to know that something is not right....I always knew that my parents were not like my friends parents....It is a bad thing for children to see that their parents do not get along....because what they see you do, they will model and expect the same thing from their partner when they get into a relationship of their own.....It is sad for you and for them....Everyone deserves happyness and your child will understand, and be happy that you decided to make a healthy choice for yourself and for him......God's blessings be with you....I will say a prayer for you and I know that you will be safe in the hands of God....

1 mom found this helpful

It takes an amazingly mature man to be able to stay together for the children, and there just are not many of them. Run, now and fast. Do you need a place to stay? We could make room for you at our house. It's not big or fancy but we would love to have you. Just let me know.

1 mom found this helpful

H.,
I have been in the same position with my now husband.Right after our twins were born 4 years ago we started having problems.We would fight over everything.We loved each other but the stress of becoming new parents really got to each other.What finally worked for us was for me to leave for a little while with our children.We did speak to each other over the phone everyday but we did not see each other for several weeks.The time apart gave us time to figure out if we did love each other or were just staying together for our children.Hope this helps you out.

J.

I went through the same with my dd dad and i looked at it this way, it is easier to explain to a child that you and dad could'nt work out but you both love him very much then the child seeing all the anger. in order for you to raise him in a healthy manner you should be happy with whats going on and your choices. it does seem never ending, but as long as you can provide comfort then it will all work out. so if things are this tense do whats right not what is going to make someone else feel better. hope this helps

H.,
If you get out now you will have a better chance at NOT scaring
your son with all of this negative energy. Children can sense when thing are not well between mommy and daddy. you need to spend some time apart to get YOUR head togther to see what you want. you cant change him,..so forget that idea. there are still a few good men out there that will accept a woman with a child. so don't think you have to make it work because no one will want a ready made family. But if you love your child you will put him first. and honestly whats best for him is also best for you both,
have a blesses day!

I believe it's normal to fight after a child is born. What are fighting about? It's hard to give advice when I don't know the severity of the situation. If it's abusive, seek help from a professional who is trained in how to deal with situations like yours. If it's not abusive, suggest councilling to your boyfriend. I think all women feel extra vulnerable after they have a child and it doesn't feel good when your partner isn't being supportive. Men also have a hard time adjusting to having a child and some have a difficult time adjusting to what their role as father should be. My husband and I fought about what was best for our child. I gave him a book (by Dr. Sears) and told him that was how I felt a child should be raised and I asked him to read the book and if he didn't agree with it, we needed to discuss how to raise our son. Luckily he liked the book and it helped him understand the method of child care I was using. It seems to have helped us. Good luck to you.

Staying with the father of your child, only for your child, is not worth it. IMHO. Children even as young as yours can pick up on you being unhappy. It is far worse for a child to grow up in a home of constant fighting and unhappiness, than if you all split up. I was with my oldest daughters father for 7 years. 7 long years. It was great at first, until we started to grow up, well I did anyways. I got pregnant and he never changed. Things got really bad. I always kept telling myself she should be with her father...and prolly all the things you are telling yourself too. Until the fights got physical, I never thought it would come down to that and it did, quick. I left when my daughter was 2. She still remembers when he hit me. She is 5 now. I hate myself for not leaving sooner.
I don’t know how old you are but I was young when I had my daughter, just 18. It is hard but I promise if things are so bad you are asking for strangers advice chances are your family and friends are all telling you the same thing, to leave. Do what I did, sit down make a list, pros and cons, see which one weighs out. You can not build a relationship future on its past. If you really think it is over, and therapy is not an option he would be willing to make then leave. Don’t be like me and millions of other women out there who stayed for the wrong reasons. The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 4 years is being in a bad relationship for 4 years and 1 day.-Dr Phil. I know this is prolly not what you want to hear but this is all coming from past experiences. It will be hard, but it sounds like you know what you have to do. I also have to say him begging you not to leave and take his son away is so cowardly. As a mother you have every right to keep your son safe, and raise him in a loving, violence-free environment. Even if it is not physical violence yelling and screaming hurts too. If he is so concerned about 'his son' then why would he be making such a scene that would wake him up? He is using your son against you to make you stay. Ask yourself- is this the role model I want my son to have? Do you want your son to grow up and think that how your boyfriend treats you is how you are to treat women? I am sorry if I am coming across mean, I’m not trying to at all. This is just very close to my heart. If you wanna talk you can always PM me. I am sorry you are going thru this.
~N.

I'm in a similar situation. The important thing is to do what is best for you. the baby is young enough that he will adapt, although it may be hard for all of you at first. My advice would be to try to talk to him, maybe go to counseling where you will be forced to listen to each other. If the fighting persists, try to leave for a few days. Do you have a parent or friend you could stay with?

HI H.

I am not a professional councilor so my first advice would be to seek professional help. I do not understand the entire situation so the advice I give will be not at its best. Well first ask yourself these questions; why did you start getting into a relationship with this person in the first place? What are the good things about this person and why I fell in love with him? What is it I want out of this relationship? Is this the kind of environment I want my son to grow up in?

Next I would try to see the situation from your boyfriend's side. I am not sure what he wants so it will be hard to guess. Try to talk to him by using the words he says or from his piont of view. Find out what he wants in the relationship.
It seems that he does care about his son therefore he should be willing to listen for the purpose of being a good father.

Last be not least, PRAY. If nothing else tell God what you want out of the relationship and pray for the answer, do not pray for the problem. (God already know the problem).

Good luck I hope this is helpful.

J.

I am very sorry. I got a divorce from my daughters father when she was 2 years old. It was very hard. You know deep down what is the best thing for you and your child. It was hard when I made that decision and I felt like a failure. My daughter is 8 now. We still have hard times with her dad, but he is in her life. Sometimes you have to leave even when it may be hard on the child. I hope things work out for you whatever your decision. If you need someone to talk to, just send me a message.

This is such a hard situation. At this point, even though you are not married, a break-up would be the emotional equivalent of a divorce. Looking at it that way, the first thing I would suggest is couples counseling. If in the course of counseling you decide that you should not be together, the counselor can offer ways to ease the transition for your child. On the other hand, the counselor may help you rediscover why you chose to be together in the first place. I have been divorced for a year and a half. We went to two counseling sessions together before my husband said he was not willing to work on the marriage. It was devastating, but I left knowing that I had done all I could. It was, and still is hard on my kids at times, but we work together and I believe are doing what was best for the kids in this imperfect world- by that I mean not being together and crying and fighting all of the time. I believe a divorce should be a last resort as it is a truly devasting experience in the best of circumstances, but sometimes the best choice to be made in the long run. My kids father is still very involved, gets more than the minimum visitation, and takes care of his kids financially. I know he may be in the minority, but a separation does not always have to mean "taking the kid away." Good luck.

Hi H.. Sounds to me like you're in the same spot I was in just a year ago. My son's father and I were fighting bad enough we split up. In that year, we learned more about ourselves as parents instead of just as a couple. I've recently moved back in with him and our relationship still hits a couple of bumps, but nothing like before.

It's a good chance that if he truely loves you both and wants you and the baby there, then he needs to grow up. Sounds to me like he's running scared. He realizes that he has a baby and that reality sometimes hits some guys harder than others. Don't know how religious you are, but what worked for me is this- remember to take life one day at a time, one thing at a time. What you feel you can't handle, pray about it and let it go. Concentrate on your son cause regardless of what his dad does, he needs you. If it gets too much worse, leave. During some point when you have time to think, re-evaluate the whole relationship and decide what's best for you and your son...mainly your son. As for following his lead-- ha! it's gotta be give and take, not a dance contest. Hope some of this helps.

Hey. I have been thru that before. You just have to get past not wanting to take the baby away. He can still see him but he doesnt have to be with you. Good luck.