RE: I Am So Hurt. Broke up over Routine

Good news!! You have a bunch of sort of crazy but rather loving cyber moms to cry to. Think of how many shoulders ya got here!

His loss!!

Seriously I am the queen of snark. PM me if you need a laugh. :)

Oh here maybe this will make you laugh, my ex boyfriend broke up with me by email, two minutes before I had to do a group presentation which was my final! Business school!! I cried in front of the entire class while trying to quantify why Monsanto is a better stock than DuPont!! Okay maybe I am not conveying just how pathetic an image that truly is but trust me it was hell! I laugh about it now because why not?

So laugh at me, I know I do! :)

Spend this time thinking about what you'd like to do now that you have free time. Is there a class you'd like to take? A hobby you've neglected? The best revenge is living well!

Cry. Scream. Pack his stuff. Mourn. Cuss him. Do what you need to do.

Tomorrow - pity party's over.

Tonight (and in the future) - know that your mind is playing tricks on you. You have no idea what he is doing - so your mind turns to the worst. Or you start wondering why he's doing this - so your mind turns to the worst.

That is giving someone "free rent in your head".

You are the ONLY person in the world that can control what you think. Think of it like homework - you had to concentrate on homework in school, and you did that by focusing your mind off of other topics.

This is the same concept. Change the channels in your brain. Keep your hands busy. Focus on a project - cleaning, sewing, reading. Your mind cannot concentrate on two things at once - so it is YOUR responsibility to keep your mind occupied with what you want - and not ruminating on things out of your control.

I wish you the best.

You know what someone said to me once when "he was out having fun with probably someone else"?

They told me "Obviously he doesn't care about your feelings. Why make yourself miserable over someone that doesn't care if he's hurting you?"

It kind of "clicked" for me after hearing that.
Granted, at the time I heard it there were no kids, house, etc. involved....but it's still true.

L.:

I'm really sorry - but this is for the best!!! Tell him to pound sand.

This may come out wrong - but here goes - he was the love of YOUR life but YOU were NOT the love of his. He is a jerk. You deserve better.

Like I said in the other post - thank your LUCKY STARS!! He did you a favor. The next guy will WANT to worship you and make you happy. Take a step back and look at all you did for him...what did he do for you? He was "there"? Did he treat you with love and respect? Did he shower you with love, rub your feet, scratch your back or whatever makes YOU happy? If the answer is NO - then he didn't love you. He loved what you DID FOR HIM. BIG DIFFERENCE.

Better it be someone else than you!! Let him go!!! You deserve better!!!

Stop crying - I know it's easier said than done - but really - you did NOT fail. give yourself time to grieve and God will put the RIGHT MAN in your life...the one who adores you. loves you. doesn't want you to do it all. worships you and gives back to you what you give him.

Take your kids and get out of the house for a half hour. Take a walk, take a drive, take them to the Dairy Queen. Go back to the other thread when you get home and read every one of those posts (mine included). Really read them. And call that ex-wife and ask her to tell you the truth about him. You need to hear it so you can get over this.

Btw, maybe he's home washing his clothes because you aren't doing it for him.

Dawn

So what? I'm not trying to be flippant about it, but so what if he's having fun? You know that if that person gets "routine" he'll bail again. He's immature. And maybe he isn't out living it up. Maybe he's doing something *gasp* routine! Either way, focus on YOU, and YOUR KIDS and going forward. Cry if you need to, but remember that you deserve better.

You had a life before him, you will have a life after him.

Not worth the salt in your tears. Have a good cry, get it out of your system and then kick him to the curb.

From reading your previous posts, it sounds like it's time for a change for you. Find a new hobby, go back to school or hang out with your kids. New friends can work wonders and all three of those things are ways to get involved with other people.

Sounds like you could also use a break from relationships, too. Focus on yourself and your kids. You will get through this! Give it some time!

You will not be the only woman he leaves in his wake. He will ALWAYS leave women behind, because of "routine." The next time he does, it won't be you. You DESERVE someone who LOVES you, loves his time with you, is thankful for you, would never break your heart, and would never bail on you. You will eventually stop crying and realize that. Don't fill your time with him, he doesn't deserve it. Do something you love, spend time with your family. Live your life for YOU.

You will one day find someone who adores you. When you think back on this guy, you will be thankful he left.

I know this hurts. Break-ups are awful, but sometimes they are blessings. It sounds like his idea of "routine" is losing that euphoric feeling you get when you first meet someone and fall in love. Research has actually shown that that feeling only lasts a minimum of a few weeks and a maximum of two years. The next logical, natural step is to move into a comfortable routine with that someone. Having routine isn't synonymous with boring. Growing old together and figuring out how to keep each other fulfilled is part of the plan and it isn't for one person in the relationship to figure out. It is a partnership! You did not fail him. He will continue to dump people until he realizes this. It is human nature to want family and community with others. We were designed this way. Lick your wounds for awhile, but seriously, it sounds like you should move on and find someone else out there that will treat you better.
About ten years ago I met the man of my dreams. Literally swept me off of my feet. Certain I was going to marry him. Right before our one year anniversary he said he needed space and we broke up. I was beyond devastated. It affected everything in my life. My work was starting to slack and I was just in this horribly, depressed state. The agony went on for months and months. About nine months after our break-up, I decided to move to another state to be closer to family. They had urged me and my mom for years to move there, but I always dragged my feet on the idea. 6 months after the move, I met my future husband. We were married 2 years later. My son was born about 2 years after and then my daughter arrived 18 months after that. My life has been one blessing after another ever since. I look back on that year from hell and am amazed at all the good that has come from it. Sometimes we have to be shaken to the core to realize there is something way better out there for us. Hold on tight, realize your worth and demand someone better for yourself. I firmly believe that God has a unique plan for all of us to be happy and prosperous, we just have to hang on faithfully to see the fruit. God bless and I am so sorry you are hurting right now.
HTH,
A.

He's gone.
And the sun still rises every morning.
He ripped that band aid off quickly and it stings.
Would you rather he strung you along while you endlessly tried to please someone who was never going to be pleased?
It was a dead end relationship.
I'm serious when I say his dumping you was really a kindness.
You deserve to be in a relationship that has a chance at happiness, a chance where you will be loved and cherished and can return the feelings.
A successful happy relationship means the feelings are reciprocated - goes both ways - you both CARE about each others happiness.
You are free!
You just need to realize it and that takes a little time to make the adjustment.
Some day, maybe soon - you will look back on the day you broke up and you will thank the heavens it happened.
That one door has closed - don't look back at it.
Look forward to the other doors that will open and be ready to step through them.

You know, when things were rough with my husband and he would be out and I'd be at home with the kids I used to cry and feel sorry for myself. Then I realized it really was HIS loss for missing time with us. Once I realized that, things have turned around.

We do what we want when we want, and if my husdand joins, then that's great! If not, his loss. I think that's when he really started to be more involved with things, when he saw I didn't care if he came along or not.

Don't just assume that he is out having fun. Hopefully he's hurt over this. But he's a complete jerk and you deserve better.

Get your cry out and get that head up! The best times are ahead of you - though I know it's hard to believe it now.

C. S. Lewis wrote, "Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.”

So here are a few random ideas that may help you ease your heart, and all the rest of you, too:

I suggest you sit down and plan your days *in detail* for the next six weeks. Before the sun rises on each day, decide what you will do that you need to do (your daily work); what you and your children will do together (playing a game, teaching them something); what you will do for yourself (window shopping for 15 minutes, getting a pedicure, getting a new book from the library - nothing fancy or expensive, just something for *you*); what you will do for fresh air (walking, running, playing, with and without your children); what you will do for a project (crafts? Writing? Building a room on your house? Taking an online class? Repairing your car?).

You want to fill up your days with scheduled (not random) activity. You should also "schedule" (or allow) a few minutes each day to cry. But set your timer! Don't slide into a mope.

When you're in a major transition of this kind, it's tempting to be ruled by hopelessness, and try to put the world on hold or seek escape in ways you wouldn't want your children to do. So take the initiative - take charge. Even if you can only do it on and off, do it.

Go overboard (practically) with healthy, optimistic, wholesome activity for you and your family.

Definitely start a journal and record everything you're thankful for every day.

Get a new hair style.

Read to your children every night when you can.

When you think about you-know-who, remember that he left you because he said you made his life boring ("routine"). Remember that he tried to make you feel as if HIS attitude were YOUR fault.

If you have supportive friends, see if you can get together with them once in a while. But not to whine, not to drink, and not to look at men. Be with friends who like themselves, who like you, and who *do* things.

Refuse to seek another relationship. You can stand alone. One of the best requirements for a woman to have a man is that she doesn't need to have one.

Find a copy of Jane Austen's "Sense and Sensibility" and read it. It's about a life-loving young woman who is fooled and dumped by a very charming man.

If you need to, see a counselor. You're not the only woman who has been left (but you're the one you know best). If your children need it, take them to a counselor.

I've been where you are, more or less, and so have many mamas on this site. We're your cheering section! This chapter in your life may be at an end - but the book will go on. Wait and see!

No offense to any of the decent men on here, but when men give a lame excuse to break up with you, that's all it is....a lame excuse.

So, as hard as it is, don't take it personally. He could have said he can't possibly live with you because you don't cook eggs the way he likes them.

There is no sense in you trying to make the perfect egg because it isn't about you and it isn't about eggs.

It isn't about routine.

Cry while you need to and get it out and then just move on.

You are better than all of this.

Best wishes.

Well girlfriend, the wound is raw and open but it will heal. Take a very deep breath and exhale it slowly. Now that you have done that, plan the next stage of your life with your kids and you at the top. If a man should come by he is at the bottom of the list. Treat him nicely but don't go overboard.

Also remember the only one that can make you happy is you. So look deep down inside and find the fun things you used to do even as a kid and work from there. Work on you and you will attract the kind of person you want to be around.

No one wants to be around a Debby Downer. They want to be with a person who is up and cheery.

This speed bump in life will pass.

Listen to your fellow mommas as many have been there done that and moved on.

The other S.

PS Please keep us updated on your progress. We all love to see a fellow momma/poppa improve theirself.

I am sorry this happened L.! we are here for you and it has happened to the best of us.

In order to get past this point you will have to do as others said, cry and mourn and than pick yourself up and feel sorry for the next chick that will fall for him.

You do have to realize that you did not break up over routine! That was the exscuse he used as a topic but it was not the bottom line issue!

Do you have any friends that you can call up that will lend an ear or come by for a visit? You could always go out and have some fun too! Maybe go online and visit some date sites like plentyoffish or match.com....time to make some new friends!:)

I hope it gets better for you.

I have been there and done that.

My advice to you would be to give yourself a set amount of time to grieve the loss of this relationship. Pick a date like April 10, 2012. You will need to get all of the crying out of your system or as much as you can. Then get yourself a workout regimen. This will help. Get your self a hobby or take a class in something. This will give you the opportunity to get our of your regular habits and your path will cross different people. This will be good for you.

Don't beg him or ask him about your relationship. He is making it clear where he stands. Men love the chase so make yourself very unavailable to him. No phone calls, no meeting up to "talk". He really hurt you and that may be a sign that he really isn't that into you. It is better to know who you are dealing with now rather than after getting married or pouring so much of your life and time into him.

I feel for your loss but you need to think about you and your children. They are watching you. So get the crying out and set yourself up for moving on to bigger and better.

Love on yourself. Be kind to yourself and loving to yourself and pursue the things you want in your life. You get to choose.

UPDATED
Also you may want to have some counseling if you can't get past the grief. That is what I needed to do after 3 years of grieving.