Questioning My Desire to Have Kids

I don't know. I have O.. 😊
I had my son at 39, after 6 years of marriage.
That was right for me.
At 32, you still have plenty of time.
It's obvious that you are giving motherhood a lot of thought and consideration. Too bad everyone doesn't! Good for you!

ADD: Plus everything Lumpy said ;)

ORIGINAL: I had my first and only at 39 (pregnant at 38) We started really trying around 36-37. I also felt the same about fertility treatments. Still do. I'm happy with my 1, would have been fine with another.

We waited too long - waiting till things were "stable, just right" etc. That place does not exist. I wish we'd tried a bit earlier to improve the odds of having a 2nd.

I would say, if you want a child, start trying. Relax, and let things happen as they will.

Re. parenting anxieties - I was 9 centimeters dilated and said to my husband "I'm afraid I won't be a good mom!" (LOL). He said, "It's a bit late now" ;) My mother was NOT a good role model - I do the opposite, and am happy with the mom I've become - and so's my hubby and kid :)

It'll be ok. If you want to take another year, do that. But don't push the envelope too far. It can take 1 month or a couple years to get pregnant.

If you feel like the anxiety is not typical for you, talk to a therapist. Sometimes outside perspectives can help settle things for us.

Take care!

There really is not right or wrong here, but you do have to both be on the same page in the end or one could end up feeling resentment. I had a dear friend recently get divorced over such a change of heart, only in the other direction. They both agreed to not having kids before they married, but after several years he decided a kid was something he desired, and she still did not, so they ended up parting ways.

I do think nerves can play a part for sure. When I went off BC to get pregnant with my first it was only about a week before we both changed our minds and decided we just were not ready, in spite of the fact that we had been married for 5 years at that point. For us there was no further chance to examine the issue, I was already pregnant we just did not know it yet, lol.

In the end you do have to do what is best for you, but if you feel that you will never want to have kids you need to be fully honest about that with your husband, because if you are wishy washy about it he may hang on for years hoping you will come around, as my friends husbands did, only to have things fall apart later. Saying things would be okay without children if you CANNOT have one is not the same as being okay with never trying, so be sure you know where he really stands so you can both move forward in a way that is best for you, even if that is apart. Best of luck to you both!!

You sound like my daughter, I am not sure that is a good thing. She got a puppy Saturday, I stopped counting the panicked texts by Saturday night. She is a planner and she thinks as such she can out think anything. Imagine her surprise when she found out an 8 week old puppy doesn't care how much she planned for her arrival, she is going to poop on the kitchen floor if you don't pay attention to her.

I told her last night please for my sanity, do not have children until this puppy breaks you of the idea you can control the wind! That is the problem with planners, they drive themselves nuts, they drive the people around them nuts.

Do it or don't do it but stop thinking about it. You cannot control the wind

I am going to say something that some will disagree with, but here goes:

No one should have kids unless you want them so bad it makes your teeth hurt.

A friend of mine once said this to me, and really, I think it's true. I'd worked with young children for well over 15 years by the time I had our son. I was 37, my husband was 45. So, yes, he was the fifty year old dad running around with the five year old... and he still does it even now at 53. :)

I could never have planned how our life has worked out. I'd had a few miscarriages before getting pregnant-- in fact, I'd pretty much given up any hope when we conceived. At that point, I figured baby was meant to be and let go of planning or worrying.

Life throws you situations you never expected. I'd never have guessed, even a few years ago, that our sweet, sunny little boy would end up being diagnosed with some issues which have really made us have to learn and grow and rethink the 'hows' of daily life. I am blessed to learn more about myself each day.... as we grow as a family, I see how little I can really control anything, and how special and wonderful life together is in the midst of that unknowing. That the things we can control, to make the most of those and to engage meaningfully with life, if that makes sense. That what you planned never will manifest and that it's okay-- what emerges is sometimes better, harder,more freeing, more challenging than what we could have possibly projected.

I wanted kids desperately, but was content to let things be and then !surprise!, look who's pregnant? I could never have planned any of this the way it happened, but there is a gift in being willing to let life be what it is. Until you can let go and realize control is more or less an illusion-- and that has be learned through experience, there is always a strong possibility of real disappointment.

Hmmmm. You've been telling yourself you're a "logical", "ducks in a row" "planner" for so long...and yet I don't see you as any of those things. I see you as more of an "over-think a thing to death" "paralyzed to make a decision" "wildly complicate simple choices" kinda girl.

None of which traits make for enjoyable, successful parenting.

Maybe start with a gerbil, and move on from there?

I mean wherever you are in your life, you either commit to a thing or not. That's "logic".

:)

I think I would answer this by asking what type of person are you? You sound very intelligent and low-key, so that's a plus for sure. How are you with patience? How are you with having very little control over your environment on a daily basis? How are you with very little sleep and putting everyone else's needs first? I always knew I wanted kids, but many of my family members had to question it and ultimately decided against it. One, because they knew they didn't have the patience for it and one because they wanted to travel and they didn't want to disrupt their lives. Children are a journey all on their own, so that's the way I look at it. I have never felt this way about anything in my life...nothing has come close to the strong feelings (both negative and positive) that I have for my children. For that reason alone I would say, Go for it. But it's very tough..hardest thing I've ever done mentally and physically. It pushes you to the extremes. There are peaceful, amazing moments daily though, that get you through and make you extremely grateful. I sort of feel sorry for people who don't take the leap into parenthood or are unable to have children of their own, but of course I don't think everyone should have kids. The family members who have decided against it are the exact people I would say shouldn't have kids, but they have a very full life and enjoy their marriage and friends & family immensely. Trust yourself and your decision and then stand by it.

Here's the problem...you have become a rational adult with a nice life and you don't want to screw that up. Is that normal? Yup. I have tons of friends in their early/mid thirties who are thinking along the same lines as you. Life is good now, why change that? I think it is easier to commit to kids when you are all wrapped up in baby fever/newlywed glow, we love each other so much, let's have a baby, yippee! The truth is, having kids is scary. And it will mess with your life in ways you cannot possibly anticipate. I have a friend who was the poster child for career women before she had twins with special needs and became a home schooling SAHM because that was the best choice for the girls. You have to accept that having kids is this huge, risky unknown and do it anyway.
If you do decide you don't want kids, that is FINE and very common nowadays! But you must be very clear with your husband and you must accept that he may leave you to find someone who does want children. That is one of the big deal-breakers, and if he went into the marriage believing you wanted children and you are changing your mind, he has every right to leave. My dear friend is going through that right now with a spouse who no longer wants kids, so it is a very real possibility. If your husband is truly on board with no kids, then by all means, enjoy your adults-only life with no regrets!!

Updated

Here's the problem...you have become a rational adult with a nice life and you don't want to screw that up. Is that normal? Yup. I have tons of friends in their early/mid thirties who are thinking along the same lines as you. Life is good now, why change that? I think it is easier to commit to kids when you are all wrapped up in baby fever/newlywed glow, we love each other so much, let's have a baby, yippee! The truth is, having kids is scary. And it will mess with your life in ways you cannot possibly anticipate. I have a friend who was the poster child for career women before she had twins with special needs and became a home schooling SAHM because that was the best choice for the girls. You have to accept that having kids is this huge, risky unknown and do it anyway.
If you do decide you don't want kids, that is FINE and very common nowadays! But you must be very clear with your husband and you must accept that he may leave you to find someone who does want children. That is one of the big deal-breakers, and if he went into the marriage believing you wanted children and you are changing your mind, he has every right to leave. My dear friend is going through that right now with a spouse who no longer wants kids, so it is a very real possibility. If your husband is truly on board with no kids, then by all means, enjoy your adults-only life with no regrets!!

sounds to me as if you're a thoughtful, sensible person, and the to-and-fro is simply an outgrowth of that. i'm very happy to hear about a couple who is in love, and happy, and plan carefully, and aren't just getting pregnant because it's expected, or because it was part of an earlier plan.
it's easier to say than do, but i'd try not to worry about it too much. i do realize there's a biological imperative in the background, but try to muffle it out. it's not THAT imperative just yet anyway.
the very fact that you've moved away from a babies-now! mentality indicates that more time spent just with your lover and partner is what's called for. you may very well find that in a year or two, the desire for children rekindles. but if it doesn't, i'm so glad that you're both okay (even if a little wistful) about the potential for a full, happy life that focuses on the two of you. i wish more couples would consider this as an option. babies are AMAZING, but so very many people have them who shouldn't.
while i wouldn't trade my babies for the world, my ol' man and i would have had an awesome life with just each other. marriage SHOULD be about the couple, not strictly reproduction, right?
khairete
S.

I can tell you as a planner myself that having kids was one of the best things I did. You learn to be a whole lot more flexible about life once you have kids because you learn pretty quickly that you can't plan much of anything once you have kids! We had to cancel a romantic getaway weekend once because one of our kids got sick and we didn't want to leave her with grandparents that way. Meh, that's life. I'm much more relaxed about life than I was before and that's been a good thing for me. Pre-kids, I would have moped big-time about those change in plans and stressed about cancelling all of the reservations.

You learn life isn't all about you, which can be such a good thing! I have friends who've chosen not to have kids and lead very happy lives, but their lives are all about them. It's like they've skipped one stage in adulthood, the part where you learn not to be quite so selfish.

I had both of my kids in my 30s and it was perfect timing then. I had my career in a good place, I was mature and had a lot of useful life experiences to make me a good parent.

Parenthood isn't easy, but if it was so hard, people would never have more than one child. :) It opens your heart and mind in ways you couldn't have imagined.

Choosing whether or not to have children is like any other life-altering decision, you will have times of doubt and reservations. The majority of us have some self-doubt because you've never been a mom. You've never carried a child or given birth, much less stayed up all night with engorged boobs and a screaming newborn who is fed, dry and warm, but crying for no apparent reason...for hours. Does it make sense that at some point, you may wonder if you REALLY want to do that instead of going away with your husband on vacation alone??? You're thinking of changing your entire life, your relationship with your husband and yourself. If you didn't second guess yourself, you didn't think this through.

Ask yourself looking 10-15 years down the road, would you regret NOT having a child? There is nothing wrong with choosing not to have children. It doesn't make you less of a woman. You can have a completely fulfilled life either way - its what you choose to make it.

Don't have kids unless you are 100% sure you want them.
Having kids about whom you are ambivalent isn't fair to them or to you.

Usually people know if they want to have kids or not. And yes it can change many times. Some think they don't and are delighted with surprise babies. Some think they do and then they sort of hate parenthood. I know all these types.

For me, I never wanted kids. I didn't really like random kids. I REALLY didn't like the kids I knew. Meh. I figured, I'd just keep being the happy go-lucky, hard-working NYC chick I was. My ex was the same way. He didn't really like or want kids.

Then one day I was about..33...and I saw a lady my age with a toddler on her hip and I got a physical, fluttery cramp, like a literal biological reaction. Suddenly my mind was flooded with "Holy cow, am I having kids ever or what??!" In almost no time, I had undeniably decided. Not so much that I wanted kids...but that I knew FOR SURE I'd regret it one day if I didn't have them. And I have a big, scary capacity for regret.

My ex was a boyfriend at the time who did not want to commit. I broke up with him stating, "These last four years have been great, but I want to have kids one day so I need to free myself up." He was like, "Huh??! What happened?!" He begged and pleaded for me to stay and NOT have kids and I said "No. Beat it." So he proposed and I was pregnant soon after. We had three kids, he was always a cheater, and now we're divorced and I'm a single mom and he's an excellent co-parent. When he's rarely around-he travels non-stop.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom and having three kids-even by myself-more than anything I could ever fathom. They are so fascinating and rewarding and have broadened my scope of life infinitely. I'm not a child-centered person who descended into a kid bubble. We're out in the world doing everything and they have to keep up. I vowed not to let my kids run me ragged and they are well-disciplined, little mature, independent, loving people. It's amazing to have them in my life. I was worried my creativity as an artist would be stunted, but it has improved tenfold.

But if I had never had kids, I would have had a rewarding life too. But definitely huge regret. It's just how my self-torturing spirit operates. I could tell by the pull in my gut. I had mine at ages 35, 37 and 39.

You still have time to wait and see how you feel.

To be honest, having kids AND an amazing relationship with an amazing father in the picture is so super magical..I don't know how anyone could pass it up. Sometimes I see my friends in happy marriages who actually have HELP with the kids, and I'm like, 'Wow, I can't even imagine how amazing that must be." But just being a happy couple works too for people. You have to make a choice and decide to be happy with what you choose. And if you're on the fence, do what makes your partner happy.

Having kids was certainly the best decision I ever made but perhaps it is not for you. I can say though that I never once regretted my decision.

I would say that babysitting someone else's kids is not even close to having your own. I find my own kids so much easier to handle than having someone else's. I admit my kids are very easy but they did not stop us from doing anything we wanted to do. We just brought them with us.

I think that kids or no kids is very deeply personal and kind of like getting married there's no perfect timing for falling in love, etc. You just do.

But on the other hand, what you probably see on a lot of forums is all the trouble - the kid issues, the fertility problems, the marital problems....does that mean that's ALL parenthood is? Not at all. My DD is a joy. She drives me around then bend sometimes, sure, but so does my DH and I'm still married to him. (Speaking of which, my DD was born when DH was 47...50s is an older dad but not ancient and he still keeps up with her very well.)

It's not something you can fully research. You can't say, "If I do x and y, then we'll get abc". My sister is a planner and learned with her first kid that you basically throw everything out the window. Whee! But it was important to her to have a legacy. To pass something forward. To experience having a child. For me, I have stepchildren and it is totally not the same as holding MY child in my arms, even if I was up walking the halls at 4AM wishing she would sleep. I miss those days now. And having her doesn't mean we don't have adventures. They are just different. You don't need to be the 'everything about the kids' mom if you don't want to. We took her to the UK and PR and left her with her grandma when we took a weekend away. My DH is a capable adult and many times I leave her with him and they get some quality time while I take a nap or do some other self-care or visit friends.

You can't logic kids. When you truly choose to have kids or not, it's from the heart. It's "what would I regret more?" Sometimes we logic ourselves into a corner, instead of really listening to our hearts. So if your heart isn't on kids, then that's fine. But please don't look to me to tell you not to have them (assuming you can afford them, and all that).

The thing is...there is no correct answer! You will probably be happy either way. There are plusses and minuses to both. If you never have kids you will probably always have some pains of regret but you will pour your energy into other things and still have a great life. If you do have kids you will be so happy you did and filled with joy...yet there will be times you wished you could not have that burden and go back to your child-free lifestyle. I think since you are not sure talk to your husband more about it. If he really leans towards wanting kids and you could be happy either way...then go ahead and have a kid. This makes your husband feel fulfilled. One compromise is to have only one child...life is simpler that way. They grow up quickly anyway...you are not tied down to chasing around a tiny tot for long and before you know it they are off doing things with their friends all the time.

Having kids is a life changing event. No doubt about that. Your life is not your own anymore. You have this little person sucking up your time and energy. Having children is not for the weak of heart or weak of mind. Its a daily challenge and some days you win and some days you don't. Its a full time 24/7 job. Not easy, but the pay is great. My kids paid with kisses and hugs. Better than any money! Now, I will also say there were days that I would have paid someone to take them away!!!

I wouldn't change having kids for anything. I can't imagine my life without them. I had my kids at 24 and then 28. Done before 30. I'm 51 and hubby is 55. Our oldest has a college degree and is working in her field.
Our youngest will graduate from university next May. We are empty nesters. LOVE IT!!!

We are doing all the things we have always wanted to do before but couldn't because he had no money. Travel, careers, paying for college. =) If my husband had said he had changed his mind and didn't want kids, I would not have been able to stay married to him. I wanted a family. Always have.

Maybe you are stressing yourself out and you are scared about the prospect of having kids so you are "talking" yourself out of it. The thing is, do you go on trips, pursue business opportunities now? Or is that "someday". Why not throw caution to the wind, get off b/c and see what happens? Don't think, do.

I guess what I'm saying is there is never the "perfect" time to get pregnant. If you say "I need this amount of $$" or "I need this house" you will never have kids. No perfect time. Hubby and I had no business having our daughter when we did. We couldn't afford ourselves much less her BUT we figured it out, you will too!!!

As others said, there's no right or wrong. Not everyone needs to have kids. I always knew I would have them, and when I decided it was time, I never had a moment's doubt.

You will potentially have a more interesting life without kids, but I do have to agree with NewName2013 that in my experience, my friends who never had kids seem to have skipped a stage of development, and there is a certain self-centeredness about them that is markedly different from most people with kids.

You've got a couple more years to make the decision. Just make sure your husband is really on board with not having them, if that's your ultimate choice.

In theory, I always imagined I'd be a mother. When I got into my early thirties and knew it was time, it was suddenly a fearful thought. Because the truth is, its hard to visualize what your life will look like with kids. For planners as yourself, there is nothing organized about adding a little bundle of joy (rather a whole lot of work and responsibility) to your life.

I think many of us find ourselves dragging our feet when the time comes to actually get down to business. Its like bungie jumping. Its easier if once you're strapped in you don't linger at the top looking down but rather just do it. For us planners and over-thinkers, getting pregnant is like standing on top of the bridge with the bungie cord strapped on to our ankles, but just not being able to work up the nerve to actually jump.

A lot of us freak at the though of pulling the trigger. Even got down right apathetic about getting pregnant when your finances aren't just so, or your career is just taking off, or you're having the time of your life as a childless young couple, or whatever the reason is.

But having come out the other side of this apathy myself, and knowing others who drug their feet, if there is one regret, its often that we didn't start sooner so we could have more children.

I think the apathy is really normal. And its not indicative of what kind of mother you'll be, or how much you'll love motherhood. Its just that some of us are more pragmatic than others.

I had my kids early, done by 24 with 3 kids. My sister is 34 and expecting her second in the fall. She honestly has more trouble than I do, because she was in an adult routine. Her and her husband took vacations, they enjoyed their pool, sitting on the porch - all things that are difficult with little kids. I can do all of that now again (I'm 32), but my kids are 8, 10 and almost 12 now.

You either do or don't want kids - no way is right or wrong. You just make a decision and do it either way. I don't think borrowing kids or babysitting works, there is no love like that you have for your own child...but whatever works for you!

I got married later so didn't have the luxury of waiting. It was kind of a now or never type thing and I just didn't over think it. If I had, I would have been in your shoes. I love my sleep and am not a patient person. But I just felt like having kids is what you do and if you don't, you're going to regret it someday. Be old and lonely... That doesn't always happen but I still kind of feel that way. What I found out is having kids changes you and opens up parts of you you didn't know you have. They are exhausting and stressful but most people I know once they have them, can't imagine not having them. It's a love you won't experience otherwise. I have friends who were the perfect couple. Quite wealthy, fun, best of friends, interesting jobs etc. They couldn't easily have kids so didn't and unfortunately several years later decided to divorce. That is not a rule but I do wonder if after 20 more years as a couple-less child, the thrill wears off for almost any couple. Kids take a big chunk of life but if you live a normal lifespan, not even half of it. There is still so much time to do everything else. I have a friend who wanted to travel and have her house just so and waited and waited to have kids. Then had a very tough pregnancy well over 40, delivered early, can never have another etc. All for a house and travel? People can do that later and in both her case and mine, we had years to do that before too. No one can tell you what to do. Maybe in a year or two you will change your mind. I wouldn't have one if you really don't want to but if you're just a bit indifferent, I'd probably go for it. My sister said she didn't feel ready either but it was just getting to be time so they did it. There's never a perfect time and she didn't over think it. And she went on to have 3 so must enjoy it... I think kids are about the highest high at some times and the lowest low others. It's not easy. But the love is unbelievable. I do think at 32 you could wait another year or two though. I wasn't even married then. I'd give it another year just bc you can. You may still be uncertain or you may have more clarity. Btw - I'd see people tending to babies and all exhausted and it didn't appeal to me. But I still did it for the rewards later and while they're babies, it's pretty incredible at times too.

ETA: after reading your ETA, yes, I think it's totally normal! It's all great in theory to have kids (I used to want 4) but then reality can be different. I think unless you really struggle to get pregnant so when you finally do it's such a relief, there's a "holy cow" moment for lots of people or a "should we really actually try to get pregnant bc then there's no turning back" period of time. At least there was for me and my friends.

I didn't get the chance to really mull over the decision of whether to have kids. My first was a surprise. Don't get me wrong- I was happily married, great career, house with a white picket fence- all that. At the time, though, having a baby was the last thing on my mind. I'm grateful it did happen that way as the decision was made for me.
Having a baby is a big decision, and having cold feet is normal. But, don't let your fears and anxieties get in the way of your true happiness. I think that can be said for many things in life. Good luck with your decision!

I waited even longer than you to have kids (37 and 40), and I had no particularly strong feeling of 'I MUST have a child to be complete'. I felt the need to complete my Ph.D first, and my infinitely-patient husband was willing to wait until that happened (age 35 or so). Then, after another year passed and I was still not employed full-time, he reminded me that I now had the first baby (the dissertation) and what about a family? It seemed like the right time to move in that direction. It then took us 9 months to get Baby #1 started, which was very hard. When I think about it, I'm not sure why I was so clear that we should have children--I actually never envisioned myself as a parent, even though I enjoyed kids. Then again, I never imagined a future for myself at all.

Like Patricia G, my mother was not a great model for parenting, and that added to my anxieties about being a parent. So far, however, we have muddled through okay and our kids are a source of great joy most of the time. Yes, there are enormous stresses too, and as Southern Yankee put it, sometimes I feel like paying someone to take them off my hands. I think that being a bit older makes one more aware that we're signing up for a huge responsibility when we bring a youngster into the world, and it makes sense to me that you are feeling hesitation. You'd be stupid (or profoundly immature) not to hesitate a bit, and you seem to be neither of those things.

That said, I will say that being a parent has made me more aware of so many little miracles. It was a thrill seeing our first child reach out and grasp a toy in his bassinet for the first time, and I was also joyful at my amazement over that step in his development. Such a little thing, and yet so significant. Our kids constantly surprise me with their distinctive way of seeing things or how they respond to their environment--even our teen is still a joy to be around sometimes (okay, not so much in the morning...). I can learn so much from them, and from what I need to do to help guide them along the path towards adulthood.

Basically, I think Lumpy's words are very wise, and I'd echo them. Good luck in the process!

Well….kind of?? I mean, I sort of felt that way, but for me I think it was mostly fear based. My husband and I had a great life. We both had good jobs, he was making great money, we could travel, stay out late, buy furniture, etc.

I knew I wanted kids but all of a sudden I thought well…I could keep on with this life, why "ruin" it?

But, since I know me, I figured I was just freaking out and so we went ahead and got pregnant. I was freaking out, literally, up until the moment I gave I birth and then…whammo….everything changed and life was great and I knew it was the best decision I ever made.

I feel like I'm a pretty logical person too. I like a plan, I don't like change, etc. And I questioned everything too because your life is great right now so you're logically thinking, why would I change it? But besides just the joy of babies and all that you do have to consider the future too….will you regret this? Who will care for you in your old age? What if you lose your husband, will you wish you had his child? Not to be morose or depressing, but these are all things to consider.

I think your thoughts are normal, but you have to really identify whether or not you've actually changed your mind or you just fear the change ahead.

I think it's completely normal. When the life change is a few years off everything sounds great, when the possibility is right here right now you start to think of the not so positive aspects. Let's be honest, your life changes when you have kids. You are no longer the couple that can just up and leave town for a fun weekend, etc. Kids are a big responsibility and you understand that, I think this comes with maturity.

M

It does not make sense to have kids if you come from a perspective of logic,reasoning and planning. If you are worried about the baby disrupting your logical, always having your ducks in a row and being in control of your emotions kind of world then maybe motherhood isn't for you. And that is totally ok!

Kids are expensive! They put a huge crimp in your best laid plans with tantrums, illness and having their own opinions. They demand a ton of time and sleepless nights. They use up a ton of natural resources. You are responsible for them round the clock (even when they are at school or in day care) and they do not leave your household til they are 18 years old (at minimum) It is a huge long term commitment. I wish more people would think a little bit before having kids.

Soooo, until you are ready to toss the fears, logic and planning out the window and are ready for the craziest adventure of a lifetime then don't be surprised at your ambivalence.

It is normal to have anxiety about how a baby will rock your very stable, carefree world. Totally normal. But don't let fear and anxiety paralyze you.

Once you have a child you will question your qualifications often and wonder if you are screwing up your child. But, many good and honest human beings were raised by parents who had know idea what they were doing by way of parenting booksmarts. They just welcomed the baby and loved it and strived daily to do the best for the baby. Selflessness and love is key!

All I will say is that you and your husband got married with the understanding that you would have kids. IF he is starting to feel the way you do, then it's okay to change your mind midstream. However, if he still wants kids, you will be doing your marriage harm if you are unwilling to have children with him. You could find yourself being replaced by a new wife, willing to have a family with him.

I think a lot people start to feel a little gun-shy when it comes to actually going for it.

For me, I suddenly started to worry about "the right time"- is it the right time? When is the right time? Will there be a "righter" time in the future? I am a logical thinker/planner like you.

Then one of my cousins said stop waiting, there will never be a right time.

I think you are just very acutely aware of how much CHANGE is involved in having a kid. You need to remind yourself that most of this is not abrupt change. Once I got pregnant I had another realization- "wow... 9 months is a really, really long time to get used to the idea of something". I started to wonder about all the dads (and some moms) who freak out about having an unexpected pregnancy, like, geeze people I can prepare for anything if I have 9 whole months to do it.

You also sound like a very self-aware person, in touch and analytical about your own thoughts and feelings (as am I). If you do become a parent this will help you on the journey... and you will have to get used to this current experience you are having of your feelings going into uncharted territory. Having kids can really bring that out- it's a whole new range of emotion you tap into and it took me a couple years to settle into. I had severe, intense anxiety right away about the possibility that something bad could ever happen to my child (the whole overprotective thing kicks in). This was a feeling i wasn't used to. fast forward to my second child being born a few years later, i didn't notice this feeling kick in at all because I a had now completely settled into it as a constant state of being, as a mom. In a weird way, I think this whole "unfamiliar emotions" apprehension may actually be a biological response to prepare you for motherhood rather than steer you away from it. It's your biological clock ticking FORWARD.

Good luck to you. You sound like you'll make really good parents someday if you decide to.

No one can tell you what is best as everyone is different. But I will say I don't think I really grew up until I became a mother. And I was very responsible and all before. But being a mother I think has changed me for the better. I'm so much less self centered. So that's one reason I'm glad I had kids. More specific to your question, I did always think I'd have kids but I was terrified. I more felt obligated to have them than my teeth hurt as one person said. I'm not a natural mom. But I am very dedicated and love my kids more than I love myself for sure. It was not a completely joyous thing to find out I was pregnant though. More a phew we didn't struggle and have to go IVF or something but I was also instantly terrified.

Updated

No one can tell you what is best as everyone is different. But I will say I don't think I really grew up until I became a mother. And I was very responsible and all before. But being a mother I think has changed me for the better. I'm so much less self centered. So that's one reason I'm glad I had kids. More specific to your question, I did always think I'd have kids but I was terrified. I more felt obligated to have them than my teeth hurt as one person said. I'm not a natural mom. But I am very dedicated and love my kids more than I love myself for sure. It was not a completely joyous thing to find out I was pregnant though. More a phew we didn't struggle and have to go IVF or something but I was also instantly terrified.

I was in a very similar situation as you. With my husband for a few years, got married in late 2013, thought we'd start having kids the next year. We also agreed that if we had trouble conceiving, we wouldn't go through the cost/struggle of IVF, etc. We would be content without kids.

Prior to dating my husband, at about 24, I had this major baby fever. I really, really wanted kids. I had always wanted them, but it was this sudden real urge that I just couldn't wait. Fast forward to age 29 when I was finally married for a year and at the place where we had planned to have them. Suddenly I wasn't ready, wasn't sure. I suspect it's because at that point in our lives, we've been self sufficient adults long enough to know how nice life can be when you have a reasonable disposable income, the open schedule to do as you please, stay up late Saturday night doing whatever, sleep in Sunday morning. All of the luxeries that you know will be long gone once you have a baby. It's easy to wonder why on earth you'd want to throw that away, even for a cute baby.

What helped me decide that I did want to have kids after all is that I thought about the future. Not my early thirties when I would have all the energy to do these things. I thought about fourties, fifties, sixties. I thought about holidays when my husband and my parents had passed, less generations of relatives to gather for holidays. How lonely that would start to become. I thought about vacations once I was older, wrinkled, on the beach. Would it still be so joyous just the two of us? Or would I feel there was something missing? I decided that even through all of the day to day grind, I wanted children in my future.

Granted, I have a 5 month old now and there have been nights where I was exhausted beyond belief and felt that I had ruined my life. On more than one occasion. But most days, especially now that he is sleeping better at night, I am glad that I had him. And I look forward to watching him grow, enjoying all of his little milestones. And the stuff I did before having him? I miss some of it. But I know it's not all gone forever either.

Maybe now isn't the time for you to have kids. Maybe you need another year, or 6 months, or whatever. It's OK to take time to think about it. It's OK to decide it's not for you anymore too. But consider what you want for your long term future, and not just what you want these next few years before you decide to open or close the book completely. Best of luck to you.

Borrow some kids. You must have some family, friend, co-worker, neighbor that you can get some kids off of for a few hours. Take them to the playground, take them to a movie, take them on a train ride, take them shoe shopping. Just make sure that you are in a situation where you are responsible for the kid, and you are engaged with the kid and the world at large. Try to make sure you get at least 4+ hours and have a meal as part of the mix (because that is an eye opening experience if ever there was one).

Try parenting on for size. It's never the same as having your own. In the back of your mind you know you can always hand them back to the parent when you have run through your time. It might help tip your hand though in making a decision as to whether or not to have your own. Meanwhile you'll give some parent a much needed break, and some kid the benefit of your company.

Best,
F. B.

PS- not everyone is cut out for, or inclined to have kids. that's ok.

I don't know if it is normal. You should start trying soon though, if u decide u do want them which I think u might. One child might work well for you. Keep your job/ identity.

I wish I could help you! I'm not sure anyone can. Of course some people have those feelings. What I will say is that everyone's journey is different. Although, I don't know anyone who truly regrets having children. I wonder if your feelings are more the fear of the unknown, and of change?

I think maybe if you can figure out WHAT is making you feel negative towards the thought of having kids, you will be able to figure out whether it's an actual real "change of heart", or just a momentary "fear". That is pretty important. It does sound to me like you've just overthought it to the point of freaking yourself out.

I hope you decide to become a mom :) But it's entirely ok if you choose not to, also.

Having kids is a big change in your life so yes I think its normal to have second thoughts about big changes in your life. I think you and your hubby both need to be on the same page before moving forward. You just might be having second thoughts because you fear the unknown (life after kids) but you could also be realizing that while you like kids you might not want them yourself.