Putting My "Foot Down" W/ Hubby

It sounds like he misses 'home'. You moved for good reasons but the other city is home for both of you. You seem to have transitioned very well but it sounds like hubby hasn't.

I honestly think you need to establish roots where you are now. It will feel more like home once you find friends and get aquainted with the area.

Sit down with him and talk to him about the overall issue: you feel a lack of say in family decisions. I would then provide examples. Try and not use accusatory statements and focus more on what you feel. I would not back down. If the conversation gets heated, take a break and say you will try again later to sort this out. Approach him again and again until you guys reach an understanding.

I would tell him what you told us - it's a lot of work on your end to prepare and make these trips and you are just not up for it. If he wants so badly to see his mother with the kids, let him do all the work and take the kids himself, and you get a weekend off to yourself!

I feel like what you really need to discuss with your husband is not so much this potential trip, but how you feel when he reacts this way to situations involving his mother. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you feel like you are second class to his mother, which is NOT okay. You guys had already made a decision that you had felt was best for your family. That should be the end of it. Nothing his mother says can change what is best for your family (short of health issues/emergencies) and therefore nothing should change your plans without the ready consent of both parties. You need to tell him how his actions make you feel. It's not about visiting, overall, it's about making sure that you and your children are his primary concern, not his mother. Is there some reason that he caters so much to his mother?? Is he an only child or something so that if you guys don't go he's afraid she'll be lonely? Tell him how you feel and see if you can get him to tell you why he feels the need to drop everything to do what she wants.

If it were me, before I sat down for this conversation, I would get out the calendar... so I could sit my guy down and show him (in front of his face, not just complaining) how many times I had been willing to accommodate his plans and his family.

"Honey, I think I've been clear I need a break on traveling to your folks during each and every holiday. I don't mind doing it sometimes, but I also feel like my needs are being swept to the side. I really want to feel like you are hearing me and understanding me." Then, keep things open-- would he like to take the baby and the kids to his mom's?

You aren't being overly sensitive. I totally 'get' the whole "two-to-three days of packing and another day of laundry and putting it all away" thing-- the onus is on me for that one too.

If he can't see his way to staying home, I would strongly suggest couples counseling. It sounds like you are the only person in this situation who is expected to be flexible. That lack of balance in your relationship is making you angry. Anger in itself isn't bad-- it's just a great signal that something needs to change. If he can't see that he's being pretty unreasonable to not 'give' on one holiday after how many, then it's time to go get some outside counsel. Good luck.

Tell him you COULD sign him up for during the week but the two of you had already agreed to re-up for Saturdays. If you've already signed him up, stick with it. If you haven't, give hubby an out...tell him if he can assure you that he will be home for the classes so that you can either stay with the little one or go to the class while he stays with the little one, you will consider classes during the week but otherwise it needs to be Saturdays.

Regarding the trip for early "Easter", I would tell him that with going over Spring Break as planned, going early really doesn't work but you welcome your MIL to come to you early or after her trip.

You married a mama's boy, and you're probably stuck with it unless he can recognize the problem and implement a change.

At the same time, you can tell your husband "No, I am not doing that." because ultimately, you are in charge of your own actions. If you're in the habit of giving in, he has no reason to honor your wishes since he knows you'll just do what he wants in the end.

*ETA: TELL your Husband, HE CAN GO visit his dear Mommy. YOU are not going, nor your child/children. Because, you all have commitments. And your son's lessons, is a commitment to him. AND your children goes to school. And that is a RESPONSIBILITY to your children. As a parent. And your Husband, has to learn to deal with that.
Is he a Dad and Husband first??? Or his Mommy's little boy?
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I would be irked too.
So... your Husband is being a Mama's Boy.
Time to quit, that.
TELL him.

Instead of telling MIL "I'm not sure we can make it...." I would have told her right then, that "we cannot, make it."

Then, your Husband is expecting you to change your son's lessons, for his Mommy. To accommodate his, Mommy.
I would be irked with that.

Then, your Husband is hardly home and is out of town a lot. So he does NOT... handle the kids or the home, like you do.
And you all just moved.
And what about getting the home all settled in and organized?
What does Husband, do about that?
Seems like nothing.
I would be irked, too.

Then, his Mommy Dearest... expects everyone to do what she wants, even if she has her own plans and trip. So she's selfish.
I would be irked, too.

To me, YOU all should NOT have to, rethink your plans.
You have your plans.
You do not have to... go running to MIL's house every time she bellows.
BUT... your Husband, cannot stand up to her.
And instead... he CHOOSES to make you/his kids... crazy, by expecting you all to cave in, to his Mommy.

No, you are not wrong for your feelings.
MIL is high maintenance, and your Hubby is wimpy, to stand up to her.
And you do, everything.
Hubby does not.
And doesn't even try... to back you up.
I would be irked, too.

Time for you to sit him down... and TELL HIM... no more.
That is crazy.
AND... make a LIST, a "TO DO LIST" for your Hubby, for the things HE NEEDS TO DO DAILY IN THE HOUSE AND WITH THE KIDS.
He is not a hotel, guest.
He is a Dad. A Husband. And his family, should be looked out for.
Or, is he just going to continue to be a Mama's Boy?

AND, what about YOUR family???
Can you all or do you all... see them? Or just your Husband's side of the family?
Make your Husband, responsible.

Your Husband AND his Mommy... are being RIDICULOUS!
Show him, these responses.

You all did EIGHT TRIPS ALREADY for crying out loud, since the Holidays.
For some people, they don't even take that many trips in a lifetime!

Your Husband... has to be a Man.
And stick up for his WIFE. And his family, and stand up to his Mommy.

Your Husband is married, to you. Not his Mommy.
And he has kids.
Does he not know, that?
And about what keeping up a home and a Wife and kids, means?
Oh yah, but he is hardly home and is out of town, regularly.
How convenient, for him.

I would be, pissed.

The problem is: you all will FOREVER be doing these trips or not. Because, your Husband cannot tell his Mommy, no. And expects YOU to deal with it.
Cowardly.
And even if you all don't have plans and just want to stay home or can't afford all these trips... then what?
MIL will control all of your family's "free" time, or not.

Stick to your guns mama. Tell him you compromised at Thanksgiving AND Christmas, and you're NOT doing Easter too. Sign your child up for the swim classes and be done with it. If he wants to go see mommy for an early Easter, he can go by himself. He's not being fair, and putting his mom before you, and that my dear is WRONG! Time to call him out on this behavior asap.

Good luck!

A few options:
- Sign him up for swim lessons and tell them you cannot make it to Easter that day but that they are welcome to come to your house instead or are welcome to come to your house to celebrate Easter a week after Easter (which is Eastern Orthodox Easter, so not all that unusual an idea)
- Sign him up for swim lessons and simply miss that particular session
- Sign him up for swim lessons and leave afterwards, since it's only a few hours drive and tell them that you must start for home on Sunday no later than 2pm.
- Sign him up for swim lessons and simply tell the family that you are unable to make it to Easter dinner this year

What I would absolutely refuse to do no matter what is to give in on signing up for the swim lessons. If you do that, it is going to mean even more trips home than just the one for Easter. Besides that, it gives your MIL too much control over the schedule and decisions in your family. And, besides all that, swim lessons are good for your son...an important skill for him to acquire and a positive fitness activity.

In terms of your hubby, give him a few options that you consider to be agreeable and go from there. I moved 1000 miles from my family, and I wish I had the option to travel for just a weekend without breaking the bank. So, it's nice that you can do that, but it is ridiculous to expect to travel every weekend or so. For one thing, you need time locally to establish some roots...friends, activities, routine. Your husband and families need to understand that wht they're doing is unfair to your children and your immediate family because kids need routine and local connections too.

When you move away, there's so much pressure to go back holidays and to run yourself ragged seeing everyone while you're there. It's hard to disappoint family and friends, but the trips become so much easier when you set some boundaries about which holidays you will visit and the dates/times that you will visit with family/friends. You have to accept that you can't see everyone for all holidays or on all trips and learn not to feel guilty about it. I know it is very hard at first. You should probably talk to your hubby now about what holidays you are planning to go home so that you aren't dealing with this same issue at Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. If you are on the same page and give both of your familie fair warning it will be easier. After hubby sticks to his guns a few times, it will also be easier for him. I no longer go home for Easter...too expensive and requires using vacation time that I'd like to save. I invite local friends and neighbors over for an Easter dinner, and I love having the weekend for my daughter to go to local Easter Egg hunts, our church, etc. I also have started staying home every other Thanksgiving and inviting my family for that. Just make sure to occasionally invite your family to see you so that they don't feel like they need to wait for an invitiation and so that they have the reminder that the road goes both ways.

I suggest that it's good that you said no. I suggest it's way past time to say no and that is why you had to "put your foot down." You let this go on for much too long. I suggest that it will work better if you have several conversations with you husband during which you listen to and sympathize with his view while continuing to give your reasons for saying no. And then stick with your no each time a visit opportunity comes up. Over time change your husband's ability to co-operate with you.

I suggest you read about non-violent communication. There are several web sites and a book. It is a way of talking so that each person feels heard and their needs considered. Here is one site. http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication

Find a way to make this a mutual decision while being assertive in expressing your needs. Let yourself say, no, not this time, and stick with that decision. Together, you and your husband, plan how often you will visit and under what circumstances.

Sounds like he's trying to please both you and his family. Show him by your attitude and words that you understand his need to please them and how it's to his advantage to also please you. Help him find ways to compromise.

I also suggest that there are ways to compromise about the lessons. Continue to have them on Saturdays, knowing that it's OK for your son to miss a session for a family event. Easter celebrations are a big deal in some families. Maybe this is one trip that it's important to make. Perhaps a compromise would be that you don't go to visit for the next 6 weeks or however long seems reasonable for both of you. Tell your husband that you're willing to visit but want to find a way to build your own family life at home and thus reduce the number of visits.

Say no. Tell him what you told us. He already made an agreement and needs to honor that. He seems a bit wishy washy and all too eager to jump when his mom says "jump!" I would remind him that his loyalties lie within your house first, and while you enjoy his side of the family, he needs to respect and uphold the promises he's already made and not break them.

Let him go to his mom's. OR miss one Saturday. It's not really that big of a deal.

If you don't want to go, don't go. In fact, let HIM do the packing and preparing, and let HIM shlep the kids by himself. If he doesn't like it, he can lump it.

Good gracious - 8 times since Thanksgiving? Stop doing it, D.! Once a month is enough!

Dawn

actually, I am in a very similar situation. BUT the difference is: after 22+ years of traveling to be with family, I still love it. Love road trips, love packing, love heading into the city/back home. To me, it's not a holiday without travel! We moved out of St Louis to a small town, & make it a point of Honor to attend as many family functions as possible!

& in addition to dogs, long work schedules.....I also had to deal with a son in a wheelchair + a toddler running around. Not a biggie. Life was good on the road. My only complaint is that....to this day....my DH still doesn't get that it all doesn't magically happen & that it requires a ton of work on my part. As the kids got older, they had to pitch in too. Important life lessons which their father never learned.

Sooo, let's flip this! Why can't your son miss 1 Saturday of class? What's the big deal? I mean, seriously, it's one missed class....whoop-d-doo!

& moving on, if you celebrate Easter early....then looking on the bright side, it's a win-win situation! You get to create lifelong memories with family AND still have Easter weekend to celebrate at your leisure at home.

To me, this is a no-brainer. You're tired, you feel like he's wimping out on his agreement, & you're using this as a means to stop what you hate.... the traveling part of your life. Please don't throw away memories-in-the-making....life is too short & loved ones can be taken away from us waaay before we're ready to let go. Having lost both my beloved MIL & my Dad in the last 3 years....I know from experience. Without them, a huge chunk of life is missing. :)

Since you aren't feeling up for this trip already which probably is quite awhile away. I would make my excuses and bow out gracefully. Let hubby take the kids and you catch that break you need or you also have the option of leaving earlier on Sunday so you could possibly catch more sleep than you normally would if you left late.

I don't think there is a need to put your foot down like you have no other options. If I were in your shoes, hubby would be making this trip solo and we would have ongoing conversations about how the two of you communicate regarding his mother and how it is making you feel in your relationship with him. This ongoing conversation may take a ton of time and possibly the moderation of an independent 3rd party. It may be time for counseling.

Wow. Do you ever get to stay home? At the beginning of the year, I would sit down, decide what holidays you would like to host and make it known that you would love for everyone to join you. If they come, great if they do not, oh well. Their loss. I try to make it as easy as possible on my kids.
I go with the flow. Only exception is Christmas Eve. Been doing it for 35 years and they know I love doing it. They also love having their babies join in the tradition. Any other holiday is whatever they want. It all works out well and everyone is happy.

My husband does stuff like this to me all the time so I totally understand what you're saying. I even had to go on my birthday because his mother decided she wanted to have the entire family over for dinner. I've considered moving to another state just so I can have my own mother's day instead of it being all about his mother and having to go to her house instead of staying at my own. After 20 years I deserve my own day, right? Maybe you could give him a list of everything that has to be done before and after you go and if he does it you might consider going. If not, your family will not be going. Maybe he will see what a chore it is and decide that it may not be worth go so much after all.

I see why you're frustrated but Easter's not for quite a while... I wouldn't let this stop you from Saturday sign-ups. Your son can miss one class... I'd agree to go for Easter with his mom and make that your ONE trip. You can see your family then too. And then wouldn't it be one trip in 3 or 4 months which doesn't seem like a lot? I tend to just ignore my husband now and do what I want :). Not that bad but like you, I do all the work so now it's up to me. If your husband wants to pack up the kids and go without you, then let him. Or maybe he just takes your son. Try the attitude of compromise within reason and no arguing. Just calmly state what YOU are up to doing. My husband is mainly bluster and questioning all the plans I so carefully make. I used to get all mad too until I realized this.

honestly you're copmplaining about the kids visiting grandmom 4 months from now!

Its not like he wants to go every week. Yes 8 trips is a lot he's toned it down but sheeshhh you need to give in a little too. It seems like you want the kids and him to go without seeing her for a long time??
once in april seems reasonable. Plus your kids get to see aunts, uncles, cousins and so on...it seems like you are stay at home so its not like you have work at 6am the next day
sorry i'm probably on my own on this one but even if i had work at 6am the next day I'd go. it's a holiday and holidays are meant to be spent with family, you can spend every other day with J. your little family unit