Previously Sweet 2.5 Year Old Boy Having Behaviour Problems

It sounds like he is feeling neglected which you are probably not doing just his feeling. I would suggest that maybe you have a one on one go to the park, go shopping for him, special times just you and him or him and his dad go do something. I think this might make him feel special. One afternoon a week probably would do it.

N.

L.,
I have 4 kids, 3 of whom are nearly grown. I noticed that all of the kids went through cycles of good and bad behavior. They would be well behaved for about 6 months and then they would spen the next 2-3 months being little terrors. So much is going on with their bodies and minds and emotions as they grow and gain independence and seperation from you. Until about 2 years of age, they really don't have a sense of self apart from mommy- you are everything that brings comfort and joy to him. As he grows, he is discovering that he is seperate from you. He learns that he can say no, he starts having more temper-tantrums, he is developing a sense of self complete with his own desires, couple this together with uncontrolled emotions and you sometimes get an explosion. Learning to control emotions is very difficult, in fact some people never learn how to. My long winded point is that he is a normal little boy going through normal cycles of behavior. Sometimes kids are adorable little angels and other times, they are frustrating trouble makers. It is all part of growing up.
I have 3 boys, one of which needs to (still does at 17!) be physical. He needed to be wrestled and played with down on the floor pretty much every day. If he didn't get physical play, he would start picking on his brother and sister and misbehaving. He wanted attention and didn't know how to express his need outside of pestering people. Make sure your little one gets some physical play with you or daddy. Some boys really need this. After wrestling and tickling my son for 10 minutes or so he would trot off and be his happy little self for the rest of the day.
Kids are very needy. They need you to provide everything for them. If you find yourself constantly telling your kids no or to stop it, you probably aren't spending enough time with them. Of course some kids are just strong-willed and no matter how much you do for them and with them, they will still be defiant and difficult, they are the kids who grow up to be strong leaders! Hang in there, they grow up way to fast. Enjoy your kids right where they are and remember to have fun doing so.
B.

Hi L.-

It's great that you are able to understand why your son is doing what he is doing. This understanding will help you manage the issues.

I have worked with toddlers for 16 + years and now I coach parents on how to manage their toddler issues. First, when toddlers act out, like your son is, it's because they do not have the words to day, "I'm angry at sissy, because she gets more attention." so I tell parents, give them the words.

When you catch your son being aggressive towards your daughter, take him a side and tell him what he's feeling. "I know you're upset at Sally for taking your toy, but pushing her is not ok. Let's teach Sally to share. When she takes your toy you can ask for it back or you can trade her. What toy do you want to trade with Sally?"

I believe in providing children the tools to succeed instead of punishing. This will not be a quick fix nor will it work 100% of the time, but it does work, and using a system of teaching instead of punishing means less fights when your children are older!

Good Luck

R. Magby

Right around this age was when we watched the Love & Logic video. Our son had started to act out and he was a total pill (cranky, whiney & testing us constantly). We were getting frustrated and (although we didn't) we felt like spanking was the next step- which neither of us wanted to do.

After watching the DVD, it took a couple days with both my husband and I working together. When our DS would shout out NO or whine we would just announce 'Uh Oh!' and then pick him up, take him to his room, put him on his bed, close the door and walk out. We would wait until he stopped crying and then go back in. When we went back in we would ask 'Are you ready to eat your dinner (or play nice or whatever the situation). He was upset and stunned but would say yes. Then as soon as we were back at the table he immediately started up again and then 'Uh Oh!' back to the room again. More shock and tears on his part.

Eventually he got it, that when he was misbehaving, not only were we not going to take it, but he would be removed from the situation and put in another room away from everyone else.

Our son is turning 5 years old next week and still, when he acts up, we just say the words 'Uh Oh' and he either changes his behavior immediately or gets taken to his room.

If you are interested, the DVD is called Love & Logic- Simple Parenting Strategies. Good luck!

I loved many of the posts here, including Rebecca's suggestion of scripting/coaching through problem-solving techniques as well as Peg's book suggestion. We often forget that young children need a lot of positive instruction for dealing with conflict; this is, in fact, what I spend most of my time on at my preschool-- helping children find ways of solving their social problems, preferably before they reach the point of becoming physical.

When I nannied, I also noticed that no matter what age the older child was, when the new baby hit about 12 months, there was conflict. The more the baby acheives mobility, the less certain the older sibling becomes about their world being "theirs", if you understand my meaning. Younger siblings take their toys, can invade their play spaces, and generally make things a bit less secure for their older siblings. All this on top of sharing parental affection and attention, and something is often bound to give.

I've found it helpful to create places for the older child to play up out of reach of their youngers siblings. Sometimes, at the table, or I use a gate for their room (that way the door isn't closed...and they can use smaller pieces/toys that may not be safe for baby); I've even found that putting up a portacrib for the older child is sometimes an appealing option in creating space and keeping little sister out.

One last thing: kids really don't know *how* to play together easily until they are much older than your son. As I mentioned before, this is what I spend a lot of time on with the 3-5 year olds. When the outbursts start, I'd do a mental checklist of his needs (hungry? tired? wanting attention? angry at sister? needing a break?) before sending him to his room. Certainly, little ones flex their personalities from time to time, but since you think he's feeling jealous, I'd try to feed, snuggle (when tired), give space for downtime in the common areas ("let's look at a book"), or see what other tricks work before rotely sending him to his room. There will be appropriate times for this, but punishment isn't going to make him feel better about his relationship with his sister--especially if he's the only one being disciplined.

I've seen lots of situations like these that have resulted in older, friendly-to-each-other siblings.:) Best wishes!

I'd strongly recommend the book Siblings Without Rivalry. Read the glowing reviews here: http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-T...

Another approach that might be even more immediate for your son if his language skills are still limited is taught by Dr. Harvey Karp, author of Happiest Toddler on the Block. Google that title and "video" to see numerous short clips of him "reaching" frustrated toddlers, and the reports from their parents about how much better their behavior became.

Good luck – I think your instincts are sound. You just need some effective tools!

My oldest is just over 2-1/2 now but a few months ago he was really bad for a few weeks. He was mean to his brother and he would get mad for no reason at all. Come to find out he was getting his two year molars! They say that you shouldn't blame behavior on that but as soon as they came through he was back to himself again!! That was just the two on the bottom so now we will have to go through it all over when his two top ones decide to come in but I will know what's going on...

You have some good answers here but I would like to ad my 2 cents. Around age 3 is the age when the testosteron hits. In fact the percentage of the testosteron to theirs body mass is much higher than when they are teenagers. And yes, some boys have more than the others. This is the main reason of all those changes around 3. It is very possible that this is what is going on at the moment. Hope I was helpful. Good luck!

When he does things that are physical, just put him in timeout. No warnings. And when he does something bad, but not REALLY bad (like saying "no", yelling, etc) give him only one warning, saying, 'No yelling, if you yell, you go to timeout. Do you want to go to timeout?" If he does it, put him in timeout, no reaction, no discussion. It's very easy to warn and warn and warn. I used to do that... I call it armchair parenting *laughs*

I think that when he does something bad, you should be very careful not to make a huge reaction or give him that negative attention that he might be craving. If he steps on his sister's foot, very calmly tell him that he's going to timeout (almost as though you're a robot with no emotion). Take his hand (or pick him up) and very calmly, without saying anything, take him to timeout. When you set him in timeout, say again, "No stepping on sister's foot" very calmly, and walk away. When he's done with timeout, ask him why you put him in timeout (you may have to coach him in remembering). Tell him, "You're in timeout because you stepped on sister's toe. We do not step on a person's toe. If you step on a person's toe, you go to timeout." Be very careful to not show any kind of a reaction. Be very boring and blase. Then say, "All done!" Take him out of timeout, *to the offending area*, but don't let him go. Give him a hug, cuddle with him. Tell him you know he's feeling upset, but that you love him and he is a good boy. Reinforce that you love him very much.

It's very important to do this OUT of the timeout area, so that he doesn't associate timeout with getting love/attention.

Spend a bit of time with him and don't walk off right away after he offends because if he IS feeling jealous, he may not only be taking it out on the sister, but my also be trying to get attention (even if it's negative) from Mommy and Daddy. Disciplining in a calm, cool, detached manner will not only show him that he won't get the attention he seeks through doing bad things, but it will also model good behavior in the midst of anger. When we get angry and yell, etc (which i'm not saying you're doing any of these negative things, but just in case!), we show the kidlets how to get angry and yell.

I really, really agree with others about spending some time alone with him, like a little date. But it's extremely hard to have a little date when you've got a 1 year old. If this is something that is hard for you as well, then you could have a "backyard" date with him while his sister is napping. You could make sandwiches together and take them in the backyard for a special picnic together, making sure to ask him all kinds of questions about himself and how his day is going, etc. If married, when hubby gets off of work, have him watch sister for an hour while you go do something with your son once or twice a week. If he gets this little bit of time, hopefully it will help with the feelings of jealousy/neglect!

I hope that helps!

I know that 1 year olds are everywhere, putting things in their mouthes, hard to understand at times, still crave holding some, but always want up and then down and up again... Trust me, I get it. But in no way does your 2 year old need less of you. If he is jealous it's because you are not giving him enough of the same type of attention. Get the gates up, 1 proof your house, provide lots of toys and do your cleaning at night when someone can help with the kids or during nap time. Then get down on the floor with the boy and play with him. I actually believe that in the right environment, 1 year olds are much easier to care for than infants OR 2 year olds. They are easy to please, curious about everything, and they really do want to explore.