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Preteen Sexuality

i found my daugter up stairs kissing one of her female friends she later told me she loved her and shes only 12 what do i do now

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So What Happened?™

my daughter and her friend where french kissing i think she is still a child but next year she will be a teenager it doesn't bother me if she has feeling for another girl i just don't want her kissing anyone just yet when iasked what does she mean when she said she love her she told me she go to the end of the earth to be with her she said she loves her like romeo loved juliet

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12, I remeber a lot of experimentation at 12 mostly with girls but some boys, kissing for the most part. Nothing is set in stone at this age just a lot of experimenting, as I said. I'm heterosexual and never questioned that as I got older even though I did the kissing with the girl at 12-13. This will pass or it won't, just keep the lines of communication open and see what happens. I never got caught, I think kids experiment, period!

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In my opinion, when kids are growing up they make friends - sometimes developing into a "best" friend situation - and this is a precursor to dating relationships. It makes sense - you learn to give and take and be "intimate" be knowing everything there is to know about the other. Sometimes it becomes a "crush" when the kid feels closer than the best friend relationship and they might feel sexually attracted to the other. I think it's totally normal for kids to feel this. It seems to me that acting on those feelings is unusual. I don't think it means your daughter is gay. I know that some gays have said they had "known" they were gay from early childhood. That might be so of your daughter but at the same time - she could be totally normal and having that strong attraction to her best friend. She is likely not able to understand her own feelings right now. This would be a terrible age to make a decision about their own sexuality. I may be old-fashioned but I don't think 12 year olds are mature enough to have any sexual relationships yet. They simply can't make good, responsible decisions because they are 12!
I would suggest not to make a big deal about your daughter's feelings - respect them and don't judge them. Explain to her that she may have lots of feelings right now that are not permanent and that she needs to wait and find out where her heart lies. It's important for her to take her time.
Even if she IS gay, she's too young to have sexual relationships and needs to grow and mature before she's capable.
Our world today, is so disturbing to me because kids are exposed to so much information that they are not ready to comprehend. They get parts of stories, sexual suggestions, and much of it stamped "okay". It's no wonder we have a huge population of pregnant teens and sexually active 12 year olds.
Keep talking to your daughter and listen to what she has to say. Give her a safe environment to express herself without punishment or ridicule. You will be her biggest support no matter what happens.
Best of luck to you and your daughter. It will work out but most important right now is your relationship with her.

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Rather than focusing on the fact that it was another girl, I would focus on just the kissing/sexuality portion of it. It isn't uncommon for girls to experiment with another girl (especially with kissing) before they do with boys. I would talk to her about how her body is special and about saving that specialness until she is older. I would also have some rules in place (just as you might for boys) about leaving her unattended in her bedroom. Having friends over is fine, but maybe have them hang out in a part of the house where you are around to check on her.

Good luck :)

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Wow! I'll bet there are a TON of things running through your mind right now. Try to remain calm. Same-sex love is not uncommon and is even considered "cool" and "trendy" by today's teens.
I would establish and enforce the same types of rules you would if she had a "boyfriend" over and you wished to curtail any sort of sexual exploration. It could be a phase or she could be gay. Either way, what's going to be is going to be no matter how you react and respond. I would try to encourage a positive body image and outlook on sexuality. Ideally, she should know that she can come and talk to you if she needs to. Good luck.

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I'm sorry but let me comment on Mommy from Orlando. Are you serious? Nasty? To suggest that she should spend time with boys because this is against God? If she is experimenting, you suggest it better with a boy? Hello teenage pregnancy? This is 2010!!! I am not saying people shouldn't have an opinion as I surely do, but comments like that scare me and I fear GOD forbid your kid is gay. I guess they will look forward to being thrown out to the street. Ok done ranting.
A.- When you get a quite moment with your daughter ask her what she exactly means when she says she loves her friend. Girls are very chummy at that age constantly linking arms together and practice kissing eachother in the event they date a boy. But on the outside chance that she does have real feelings with this girl, do not shut her down. I am not saying you have to jump in and support this relationship but you must keep the doors of communication open, you need her to be able to reveal to you her true feelings. It could be a phase or experimental becasue she is not old enough to date but a GF is always near by. Do you know this other girl? I've known young girls that say they have feelings for the girl friends and it turns out it is one sided. That they were having a "relationship" with another girl because they didn't want to lose her as a friend and that other girl was indeed gay. Just engage your daughter and see where she really is. People who are gay know when they are much younger than your daughter.

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I agree with the advice to treat this as if it were a boy. No more going to her room with the door closed. They need to be in the living areas of your home. Do begin speaking more about how it feels to have strong feelings for others. Let her talk and you listen. Do not freak out on her. She will come to you and be honest if she can trust you. Make sure they come top your house so you all can be around each other a lot. Have game nights, watch videos together, Make fudge.. .. Better to keep them close to you rather than out and about.

If she does decide that she is gay, as you can see from some of the posts, people can be cruel and judgmental. To be different than others is fine, but it is also takes a very strong individual to stand for what they believe. You can help her by always loving her unconditionally. You may need to explain to her that she will hear terrible comments from all sorts of people even adults.

If she is a good girl, makes good grades, then just go with the flow. Trying to stop her from seeing this girl will just bring them closer together and even if this was a boy, 12 is still young to be in a serious physical relationship.

Updated

I agree with the advice to treat this as if it were a boy. No more going to her room with the door closed. They need to be in the living areas of your home. Do begin speaking more about how it feels to have strong feelings for others. Let her talk and you listen. Do not freak out on her. She will come to you and be honest if she can trust you. Make sure they come top your house so you all can be around each other a lot. Have game nights, watch videos together, Make fudge.. .. Better to keep them close to you rather than out and about.

If she does decide that she is gay, as you can see from some of the posts, people can be cruel and judgmental. To be different than others is fine, but it is also takes a very strong individual to stand for what they believe. You can help her by always loving her unconditionally. You may need to explain to her that she will hear terrible comments from all sorts of people even adults.

If she is a good girl, makes good grades, then just go with the flow. Trying to stop her from seeing this girl will just bring them closer together and even if this was a boy, 12 is still young to be in a serious physical relationship.

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Definitely, have a discussion but focus on what you observed and do not jump to any conclusions. Tell her your love is unconditional. Remember, you want to be someone she can trust not her judge. This kiss may mean nothing or it may mean everything to her. She is young and she has a life time of experiences ahead of her...this was just one of many.

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Oh dear.
What kind of kissing do you mean?
A peck or the full on thing?
I wouldn't rush into the gay realm of things. I do believe sometimes girls experiment with each other wondering what kissing feels like, how you're supposed to go about it, etc,
That said, 12 is too early in my opinion to be worrying about that kind of thing. I see from your other post that she says she had sex. What is her definition of sex? Was it intercourse with a boy? Kissing a girl? What does she mean?
Kids are exposed to so much kissing and stuff in movies and she may just want to know what all the fuss is about.
On the other hand, I would be concerned about her acting out any "love" feelings she has with other people physically. Physical love is fine, but at 12...it's just way too young.
I have a 14 year old son and I am very, very open with him about the fact he may begin to have "feelings" for girls and there's nothing wrong with that. But, I also make him watch the show "16 and Pregnant" on MTV. He knows that one single time of fooling around can result in a baby. The one episode that really hit home for my son was the one where the young couple gave their baby up for adoption because they couldn't take care of it. He cried. It impacted him. He wants children someday, but not at 14 or 15 or 16 years old. He's thinking at least 25 or 30.
12 years old is way too young to know what the hell they're doing.
I would say no more sleepovers, no more anyone being in her room alone with her. It's not a punishment, it's a security measure.
Let her know she can talk to you about anything and you won't freak out, but she needs to be willing to listen to you as well. About condoms, about birth control, about STD's and everything else that goes along with the whole thing.
If she's too young to talk about that stuff without getting embarrassed, she's too young to be doing any of it.
Not to make anybody mad, but gay or straight doesn't matter, 12 is way too young to be acting on physical impulses. It may be a natural thing but there are perameters. There is nothing wrong with letting your child know that. And, at 12, whether they like it or not....they are still a child.
We know of a girl my son went to school with who had a kid by 13.
I hate to say it, but I'm not surprised, she was over at my house fawning over my son and waiting for him to get home from school every day and I chased her away. I didn't even let her in the house. Her home life, self esteem or whatever....obviously not good, she was a very pretty girl but far beyond eager, and I could see from a mile away it was just a matter of time. I'm sad to say I wasn't wrong. But, I'm glad I protected my son.

Keep the lines of communication open and don't worry about the kissing a girl thing as far as it being a girl she was kissing.
Love her, protect her, discuss with her and tell her there's no hurry to figuring out this sex stuff. She's not even in high school yet. Her whole life is ahead of her.
I wish you the best and hope you get some really great responses.

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Keep an open concept of listening to your daughter and her feelings. Even if you yourself fear the worst. Children of this age experiment if you want to call it that,so don't be alarmed. This doesn't mean that she is going to turn out gay or lesbian. She is learning from others as well at school to all of her friends. The relationships they are in. Talk to your daughter, let her know that you are on her side and if she feels confident talking with you then have a mother/daughter night out and speak with her.You have to go somewhere that she is in a different environment and not be distracted by things at home. Try and find out if she is sexually active, I mean with boys. If so its time for that chat about early pregnancies, the pill, condoms etc.
It may come as a shock to you but kids are growing up so fast these days that you wonder where the time went to.
If she is a good kid and has always been close with you again set up a night that both of you could go out (non distracting) preferrably and lay the cards on the table. Also let her know that your love for her is unconditional, keep the relationship open and don't elaborate to much. You may have to initiate the conversation. You can start the conversation with what you already know and take it from there.
Good luck and again, she is perfectly normal in every way, don't make her feel different. Good luck and I wish you all the best.

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