B.D. asks from Novato, CA on May 15, 2008
My 16-Yr Old Announced She's Bisexual
My daughter and I had a deep discussion yesterday, following an interrupted Mother's Day (due to ex-husband issues). Among other things, she "came out" to me that she is bisexual and just asked her best friend to go out with her (she also informed me her friend is definitely gay). I'm trying to be open-minded, but in the end I'm just a heterosexual mommy who is trying to keep her child healthy, happy and sane.
So ... since she is now dating another girl, am I supposed to restrict sleep-overs with this friend? If it were a boy, I certainly wouldn't let him come over and sleep in her room with her! Since she has many sleepovers with girlfriends, should I be restricting her participation. Should I even worry about?! I guess I don't have to worry about her becoming pregnant (trying to see the humorous, positive side).
To be honest, I'm struggling with this announcement. I certainly don't mean to offend anyone of differing sexual orientation by my questions. I have had gay friends (they moved away), but never a very close friend that I could ask these questions. I also think it's a natural thing for teenagers to explore their sexuality and my daughter has been disappointed that boys haven't asked her out. (She's a smarty pants and I feel scares them all away with her cutting remarks and criticisms.)
Any advice on how to handle all of this? My daughter is extremely stressed out about the difficulties between her father and I. We've been divorced for almost 13 years, but it has been terrible the whole time. I don't want to stress her out even more with my response to her honesty. Help ...
5 moms found this helpful
So What Happened?™
First, I gotta say "WOW!". I was overwhelmed with the wonderful, promt, and varying responses I received and was so happy to discover this whole "MamaSource" really works!! This was the first time I posted a question and was so happy to get EVERYONE's input. I don't have girlfriends I could discuss this with, so I really wanted to get some opinions.
Now - for an update. My daughter and I have continued to discuss the subject, my views on sleepovers, and the whole thing in general. For all those wondering, no, she is not sexually active and never has been with either sex. I was pretty sure when she turned 16 she was the classic "sweet 16 and never been kissed". She and her girlfriend have kissed on the cheek once or twice and that's it. Heck I remember "practicing" french kissing with girlfriends when I was younger, so I think I'm okay so far.
My daughter's girlfriend told her she was a bit uncomfortable "going out" because she was concerned it would ruin their wonderful friendship. We discussed how that can happen many times with heterosexuals and then you're left without your very good friend when things don't work out sexually (not fun and a waste of a good friendship). Over the past few weeks, they've talked some more and will be "taking it slow" so they are both comfortable and can keep open communication going So - she's planning now for a "first date" this summer. Ok - we'll see where it goes.
I absolutely agree with so many that my daughter is just not getting the same support does with the special girlfriend and is longing to have a deeper relationship to check it all out. And when I say "check it all out", the kids hasn't been on a first date, ever! I moved out of the house when I was 16 (and had already been thru several pregnancy tests), so again, I'm struggling to understand what she must be going through.
We discussed again the ground rules when it comes to sex and sleepovers. Interested in someone sexually (I don't care which gender), no 1:1 sleepovers. She also understands what a serious step it is to enter into a sexual relationship and doesn't plan on moving quickly into that arena at all any time soon. She knows it changes everything and should be handled with great care and respect.
We have continued to discuss the difficulties and stress she faces (heck we all face) with shared custody. Admittedly, she finds it difficult to know "who's right" when we both have different stories to tell and advise to give. I asked her to consider that we might both be "right" and to listen with her heart or ask for more details when she feels our information is confusing. When I say the sky is blue and he says it's purple, she'll just need to go with her gut. I can't make magic and that fact that he puts her in the middle and she feels she can't say "no" and tell him it makes her uncomfortable is something we'll continue to work on. We have done inconsistent counseling to get through some rough patches, but she doesn't feel like more frequent counseling will resolve everything. It won't, but it can't hurt either. I'll make some appts.
Lastly, my daughter has not shared this with her brother, father or anyone else but her immediate friends. I talked about when her brother should be "brought into the loop" and that if things progress the appropriateness of telling him sooner rather than later so he doesn't hear it from someone else :( I'm not really sure how he'll accept or understand the meaning of all of it. He's extremely close to her and to make a long story short her father has put her in a position of "mommy" to him since we split when they were 3 and 1 yrs old. Another burden my daughter carries and I try so hard to break for her.
Anyway - enough typing for now. I'll apologize beforehand for any typos or missed words. I didn't scroll back through to edit ;)
Thanks again, everyone!!
Featured Answers
S.B. answers from Sacramento on May 15, 2008
honestly I would treat it like you would any dating situation.
If you wouldn't let boys spend the night, don't let her.
Same rules apply.
In this case.. just let her explore herself.
3 moms found this helpful
More Answers
T.L. answers from San Francisco on May 15, 2008
Wow! This is a touchy subject! But lets just go with some facts. Biblical facts...God made male and female to be one. not any other way or any more than 2. I think that her feelings are natural..we have these natural feelings but during certain times and without proper direction you can get confused. I do think exploration of herself is ok. Hopefully she will get a sense of this not feeling totally fulfillng. My best advice to you if you do not already is to find a good Church and get some basis of moral teaching so that she can better stear through this life. Looking back at my crazy past, I wish that is what my parents had done. As far as allowing the friend to sleep over, I think it is ok, spend as much time with them as you can, get to know her too. The more involved you are, the better. Good luck and God Bless
3 moms found this helpful
S.B. answers from Sacramento on May 15, 2008
honestly I would treat it like you would any dating situation.
If you wouldn't let boys spend the night, don't let her.
Same rules apply.
In this case.. just let her explore herself.
3 moms found this helpful
C.M. answers from Salinas on May 16, 2008
hi there...
my brother came out around college age... age 23? and i am ten years younger. from a sibling perspective, can i make a suggestion? if you think your other children are mature enough to handle this information, please don't lie to them or hide it from them. chances are they already know something is up and trying to leave them in the dark will confuse them possibly.
i guess parents will start dealing with this at much younger ages now that things have become so open. i'm not saying that's a bad thing - just a sign of the times.
i second the suggestion about contacting PFLAG... and continuing to show your love and support for your daughter "no matter what."
good luck and it may be just a phase but better to be loving and supportive either way and continue it no matter the outcome.
2 moms found this helpful
K.W. answers from San Francisco on May 16, 2008
It takes time for straight parents to deal with their kids coming out. It sounds like you are doing well so far. Certainly, this is nothing to worry about. It's a wonderful credit to you that your daughter trusted you enough to tell you. Keep being supportive. Be nice to her girlfriend--invite her over for dinner and get to know her. But if you aren't comfortable with her sleeping over, that's OK. Explain to your daughter that you wouldn't let a boyfriend sleep over, and the same rule applies to a girlfriend. Your daughter may be angry about the restriction, but it will also send her the message that you are taking her relationship seriously, and that's a positive thing. Do NOT restrict sleep overs with other female friends (even if they are lesbians). That would seriously hurt your daughter and her relationship with her.
Find out if your daughter is "out" at school, and how that is going. There are organizations that provide support to LGBT teens--find out if she'd be interested in this. The rate of depression and suicide is very high among queer teens. Your daughter has you and trusts you, and she will probably avoid the worst of it, but still, it doesn't hurt to keep your eye out for signs of depression.
Best,
Once a Lesbian Teen
1 mom found this helpful
J.D. answers from Sacramento on May 16, 2008
YOU ARE AWESOME!!!! I have so many gay friends and their lives were destroyed when their parents abandoned them.
Instead of one on one sleep overs have group sleep overs in the livingroom. And yes, you don't have to worry about pregnancy! just kidding you do. Join a parents group just to deal with some of the issues that you will be dealing with from society.
Mother of 4
1 mom found this helpful
Z.W. answers from Sacramento on May 16, 2008
I think every single girl (maybe some boys too, but more girls) go through the "AM I BISEXUAL" phase. I would not stress on it regardless if she really is or isn't. But, mainly, just let it be............if she's just going through a phase, she'll constantly flip flop back n forth between liking boys vs girls just depending who she is into at any given moment. Eventually, as she is in her 18 yrs 20s etc...she'll figure it all out. I think the one mistake most parents make is to hyper focus on it, feed the fire, shame them, freak out, take them to a psychiatrist, kick them out, etc...etc...which all just makes the kid feel more alone and confused about what she feels inside compared to what is "accepted" by their parents/society....
Just let it be........our children come from us, but they are not us...they are going to have their own lives and we won't be in control of that. We shouldn't scar them and make them spend the rest of their lives trying to get over their childhood or teen years. Acceptance is key
1 mom found this helpful
J.K. answers from Fresno on May 16, 2008
Indeed she won't get pregnant but the chances of getting AIDS is still very much a risk. As a pasrent I would not allow the sleepovers with girls or boys at this point. It sounds like she is just turning to girls for attention that she has not gotten from boys or emotionally from her father. I would entake her to a psychologist and encourage her to talk out her feelings with someone impartial. Girls are always better at giving emotional support than boys and if she is mean to them and they find out she is gay or bi they will steer away from her even more.
M.B. answers from Honolulu on May 16, 2008
hey bev, it's okay you're doing a great job just having her communicate this is awesome. it's totally okay. be there for her and yeah allow friends over lay down how you feel. whatever you do do not blame yourself. stay strong it's tough.
M.
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