Pregnacy & Postpartum

First of all, please know that you’re not alone, but this depression is something you can’t ignore. Call your doctor immediately, let her/him know what’s going on, and ask for help. Stop reading this and call NOW, then make time for your support group right away.

Second, about Zoe: Let me tell you about the wisest pediatric nurse I ever met. When I took my youngest for her 7-day check-up, my 4-year-old was with me. When we walked in, the nurse tossed a casual “Hi” in my direction, then ignored me and the baby completely and said “Jill! I haven’t seen you in ages! How are you! Goodness, you’ve really gotten taller – and I love what you’re wearing…” After a bit more of this, she said just as casually, “Is that your baby sister?” Jill nodded. ”Want to introduce me?” And when Jill led her over to me and the baby, the nurse said, “What a lucky baby to have you for a big sister! She’s going to learn a lot from you!”

Right then and there I learned an important lesson: the child who is already here (and up to this point the center of attention) needs to feel important, included, and even needed when a new baby arrives, and I’ve used this tactic ever since. Granted, my daughter was older at the time, but even a 20-month-old can be made to feel important when a new baby arrives. You can remind Zoe that she can do all sorts of things that a baby can’t do: feed herself, decide which shirt she wants to wear, jump, perhaps even know some of the numbers and colors, and that he’s lucky to have her as a big sister because she can help teach him everything she knows. You can ask her help: “What do you think, Zoe? Should Kenny wear the blue pajamas or the yellow ones?” – and then remind her what a great help she is. After Kenny arrives, you can also make it a point to hire a baby-sitter for just an hour or so and take Zoe for ice cream or something else special, telling her that Kenny is too little to come and has to stay home.

Finally, this is the only piece of advice I make it a point to give my daughters and their friends during their own pregnancies: “When the baby takes a nap, YOU take a nap!” Don’t think you can use the baby’s naptime to get all sorts of things done because you’ll just exhaust yourself, and that’s bad for everyone.

Hope this helps. Please keep us posted on how you’re doing.

Oma B.

PS - You also might want to ask your older daughters for advice!

Call your OB first thing tomorrow and let him/her know you need help with depression. It's natural to be scared and worried about balancing two kids (I'm in the same situation as you), but I am worried for you because it sounds like your depression could be resurfacing. That's not something to mess with or postpone, which you know. Good for you for being able to recognize it.

Can one of your older children babysit? If not, I'm sure there is another sitter out there to handle your spitfire while you go to the group that was helpful. Maybe there's a group that can provide sitters or where you can bring Zoe?

Ask your husband, your friends, and your doctor for help now.

Hi! First of all, do not be so h*** o* yourself. Your body is flooded with hormones right now - it is only natural to feel overwhelmed. As you know, having a baby is life changing, whether it's your first or your 10th. The fact that you are recognizing this emotionally is not a bad thing - it is a human thing.

Secondly, if you do become postpartum, please do not hesitate to talk to your doctor and get put on medication. I am normally not an advocate of taking drugs, but this is one situation where I think they are very beneficial. My best friend had very bad postpartum after the birth of her first child and she was afraid to mention it to anyone because you of course feel like a crazy person. But once she talked to her doctor and discovered how common it is, she felt a sense of relief. She realized she wasn't crazy - it was just the massive hormones talking. And the drugs did help her tremendously.

I did not have postpartum that I recognized at the time, but later, only after the depression had lifted did I realize that it had been there. In me, it did not manifest itself in classical signs of depression - such as sadness and crying. Instead, I became obsessive compulsive about my baby's safety. For example, I would get up over a dozen times a night to check that all the doors and windows were locked because I was terrified that someone could get in and take or hurt my baby. I would tell myself "I just have to double-check" or "gee, did I check ALL the windows? Better check again." At the time, it felt like a normal motherly impulse to protect my baby. Now that I have read more about postpartum, I realize that this was a symptom of that condition.

So my point is, postpartum is far more common than most people think. Groups are a great outlet and definitely something to pursue if you have the time. But as you said, you often don't - and with a new baby who really does anyway?!? Talk to your doctor - I think you will be glad that you did!

Good luck and congrats on you pending new arrival!

Hi M.,

You are not alone. I'm a forty something mom of an adorable 34m old girl. Being pregnant older is harder on your body in a lot of ways. Your hormone level is not the same as a 20 something mom. One hormone in particular has been linked to depression - DHA - and you make less of it as you get older. It's so important for your baby that your body will naturally give him yours even though you may need all of what you have left. This is also true when you nurse since it is excreted in the breast milk. It's an important chemical involved in the formation of the babies brain and function of yours. They noticed in studies of breast fed babies versus non that the breast fed were brighter and it was linked to the DHA in the breast milk. Now it has been added to most formulas. You can get this hormone/chemical from a good fish oil. They also have it in some of the prenatals but it may not be enough for you since you are older. This is something that natually decreases as you age. Any rate I'd go out to Whole Foods and buy a bottle of Carlson's Cod Liver oil which also has Vit D since were coming off of winter sun you might be a little deficient in that as well. Or they have a Salmon oil. Then I'd take a table spoon. They have the oil straight which is lemon flavored which isn't bad straight. You can also put it in tomato juice. Carlson's is a very good product which has been checked for purity and heavy metals.

Next. Utilize your older children with your daughter. Most of the older moms that I know are lucky to have older children to help with the babysitting and entertainment issue. Something I wish I had. If you want someone to talk to send me an email.

Someone just got up so I have to go.

Good luck! Try that fish oil! It really helps and has lots more health benefits too.

Hi M.

Please talk to your OB. I felt very overwhelmed and had little help. My toddler was a hand full when I had my son. It took me a year to finally talk to my ob. She put me on Lexapro, which you can take after you deliver. It has helped greatly. I'm not saying the medication is always the answer. If you are already feeling depressed, it is going to get harder when the baby is here. Good luck. I wish you the best.

If you had postpartum before, there is a higher chance you could get it again with other pregnancies. Definitely contact your OB and let him/her know how you are feeling. It will only get worse after your baby is born if left untreated.

Hi M.,
First take a deep breath and know that everything you are feeling is what every mother feels before a new baby arrives especially if you are having a large family. Zoe needs to be told that treating her daddy with anything but love is unacceptable and her new baby brother is so delicate that she must be very gentile, no matter what! She is negative attention seeking and the book Magic 1,2,3 would help relieve your frustration. Zoe is feeling a lot too. She is about to be knocked from her place of being #1, so to speak because the children are so spread out in ages. I think your tired too with being near the end of your pregnancy. I have six children and I will tell you that each child is different and I know I got that needy child when I had my 4th. You need some help right now so you can climb to a place where you feel happy about your circumstances. I would talk to your DR or your pastor from your church if you attend somewhere. Most churches have moms groups that you could get some support and comfort from women who are walking the same journey of motherhood. I live in the Gurnee area. I have a church that offers a wonderful moms group and I attend at another church where they have a moms group too. If you are interested and in the area, you can email me and I will help you. These groups would offer you the chance to get out of the house and Zoe to make some friend. A little peer interaction may be what she needs to learns other children aren't allowed to act so inconsiderate of others.

Your in my thoughts and prayers,
J.

Hey M.,

I can kinda understand where you are at. I have a 19 mth old daughter that is similar to Zoe and our work situation is similar. I couldn't imagine having another one right now...it overwhelms me just the idea. That said, you are not alone.

I would suggest getting some progesterone cream. I would go to a compounding pharmacist and ask them about taking it while still pregnant. It sounds like your progesterone levels are dropping (which is normal) as your pregnancy is about to end. Most baby blues are caused by the drop in progesterone. I have been using bio-identical progesterone since my daughter was born to avoid postpartum. I believe that it has truly helped me. There is a compounding pharmacist at Bolingbrook Pharmacy that you could talk to. I use the Emerita Progest Cream from Fruitful Yield since it is empty of all extras and I don't have to worry about it with breastfeeding. If you use the cream, you'll probably need 1/4-1/2 teaspoon a day for depression post-partum. Like I said before though, talk to the pharmacist about taking it before Kenny comes b/c you have to have the drop in progesterone for your body to go into labor. The drop in progesterone is why our bodies have a period. If you have more questions, feel free to IM me. It is very hard with a child like mine and it sounds like Zoe too...anything that I can say to help, I hope that I can.

Take care,
H.

Talk to your doctor - you are not the only one who has ever felt this way, and odds are your doctor has already heard this ten times for the week! There are safe, nonaddictive medication for you (and baby) that you can take to help you perk up. What you are experiencing is VERY normal - I went through it myself. Keep your chin up, and focus on the things that make you happy!

My two kids are 17 months apart so I have been through having kids so close in age. I'm not sure if you are planning on breast feeding your new baby but after much debate and a blessing from my pediatrician I decided not to breastfeed #2. I think that helped tremendously since my husband could then help with the feedings, and it was much quicker and less complicted with a bottle. He is now 3 years old and doing just great and I do not regret my decision. Also you will be suprised at how much attention you will still be able to give Zoe, I found my son would be content in his bouncer, "tummy time" on his boppy, or in his swing (geeze poor kid! j/k). You will get through it!!

I just went though a similar situation. I am a mom to a 16 month old and a 1 month old. My last 2 months of pregnacy were very emotionally trying for a number of reasons. I was also taking care of our one year old-she was 15 months when the new baby was born. However, during my last couple of months of pregnacy, I tried to prepare our older girl for the upcoming changes by taking one of her favorite stuffed animals and holding it like a baby at times. She picked up the cues and started trying to feed her animals and dolls bottles and even began trying to wrap them in blankets. I also made sure after the baby was born to include our older girl, by holding them at the same time, letting her touch her, letting her point out her "eyes, nose, and mouth," etc. It was just a matter of letting her feel like she was involved. Also, I have alone time with both of them because they have conflicting nap schedules right now. You'll find your rhythm after the baby is born, my adivce is to just make sure you allow Zoe to feel included.

It is pretty common during pregnancy to have what are known as "intrusive thoughts" I would contact Dr. Laura Miller at UIC and go for a consultation. She is a fabulous doctor and provides advice to doctors and patients on postpartum depression all over Illinois.
Miller Laura MD
Assoc Head / Chief of Service
Tel: 312- ###-###-####
email: ____@____.com

Hi M.!My name is W..I am 36 sahm with a 5 year old and a 2 yr. old. I Had postpartem with both my kids.It was a very dark time. I also became very depressed and extremely emotional towards the end of both of my pregnantys. I think it is because your body is going thru so many changes right nowand it sounds like you are in your late 30's?? Being older i think the changes hit much harder. As soon as my daughter(Hope,2) was born i immediately saw my doctor and began taking Depressant medication.(Lexapro) It helped tremendously and I was so much better than i was after my son(Justice,5)was born. IT HELPS SO MUCH!!!!Talk to your doctor about this and i guarantee that he will help you. My 5 year old was and still an extremely difficult child and my daughter is following in his footsteps. Noone will watch my kids so i understand how you are feeling. If you live in the area and you want to meet email me back. Maybe we could help each other out.P.S. I worked nights for many years so i know how that goes. Take care ok?!!!

Hi M.,
Well I just want to remind you of some valuable advice a friend of mine gave me--Your kids will do as well as you take care of yourself.
As I understand, post-partum depression can derive from a variety of places, including hormonal, stressful external circumstances, and our internal emotions, often a combination. Do you have a sense of which of these factors feels the most intrusive or overwhelming?
I think that during motherhood, our responsibility can be daunting; rather we have the time to focus exclusively on our children, or our pulled in many directions.
I say that your kids will do as well as you take care of yourself to remind you that you are an important person too, just as your kids are. When you feel emotionally drained, this can affect your children. I don't say this to add to the guilt factor--but to remind you that taking care of yourself does not mean necessarily neglecting your children's needs, instead it can be extremely beneficial for them. This might mean journaling, or a scheduled hour of private time where your husband takes over kid care, maybe your older daughters can help with this.
I also highly recommend that you find a mom's group in your area. I found my mom’s groups to be a lifesaver. This can be such a vital component of feeling relaxed and supported. You can even start one by posting flyers in your local library, or on this list-serve, and it doesn't have to be ppd focused. You can meet once a week at a public location, or somebody’s house. Most importantly it should be a moms-group that is also a play group for the kids-then you don't need a babysitter, your kids get the fun experience of playing with other kids or even just being around other people, and you get an important opportunity to connect with other moms.
As you said you have a home-business to attend to on top of your family responsibilities, it sounds like you are stretched pretty thin, and I feel like in those situations I tend to feel like even though I know what important tasks I have to do, I am more concerned with urgency. I want share with you what I find encouraging, which is to remind myself that taking care of the IMPORTANT things prevent the urgent things from emerging and taking the reigns. This helps me to alleviate the guilt factor, and I hope it can encourage you too.

I like the ideas the other mom’s suggested so I want to reinforce them and suggest a few more
-Help the todler feel included and important--maybe if she feels jealous of her husband taking your attention and affection away from her it's because she could use more attention and affection from him herself.
-Try to figure out what specifically you need help for from people, and go ahead and ask them for it
-Seek the assistance of a post-partum doula when the baby arrives
-talk to your husband, your relatives, your friends about how you feel-don’t isolate yourself, even just a phone call helps. You can talk to them about other things too, about how they feel, but just don’t isolate yourself.
-Get some fresh air and exercise squeezed in to your day (assuming that you enjoy these activities), or figure out what activity makes you feel re-energized and schedule it-and do it.
-Sleep when the baby sleeps
-Seek the support of a mental-health professional (no shame in this!)
-Talk to your prenatal care provider about how you feel
-get a babysitter for some regularly schedule you-time. If you can’t afford mom, see if you can find another mom to swap childcare with for a couple of hours per week.

I hope this is helpful. Good luck. Remember that what you are doing is very important so even though it might feel like it sucks right now, you WILL get through this and you CAN get through this. Sometimes it takes creativity but you can do it! Congratulations and thank you for taking the step to reach out on this listserve!

I haven't personally had problems with pp depression, but I know many moms who have. One, who I talked to recently, said that towards the end of her second pregnancy she started taking a low dose of some antidepressant that was ok to take while breastfeeding (you'd have to ask yoru doctor what it is) and that with her second birth she had NO problems. She's now pregnant with #3 and is planning to do the same again.

It's tough when you have a toddler at home and are pregnant (I'm expecting #2 in 4 weeks and have a 2 year old) - I suggest asking for help if you need it. There's no reason to put yourself through a tough time unnecessarily. In the mean time, spend as much time as you can with your daughter, pick up a copy of "I'm a Big Sister" by Joanna Cole if you haven't yet and read it to her. Make sure you point out to her all the special things that big girls get to do that babies don't get to do, and plan on having a little something special for her for after the baby is born (like a "new big sister" gift - a tricycle or something that is clearly NOT for babies).

You need to take care of yourself, and the problems with your toddler will get better, because little kids pick up on parental emotions and it can make them anxious. You also need to think outside the box a bit - if a sitter doesn't work out, look for another. Consider some juggling or cutting back of your work schedule and/or spouse's. It sounds like you are overwhelmed right now and that does not have to be the case. Nothing is so important it can't be changed in some way! Don't be scared; be proactive. Lots of us, including you, have been through this depression and you can come out on top!!

With my first born who is now 5 I am almost positive I had postpartum and did nothing but cry, have rages, depression. I thought I could handle it and I couldn't. It almost ruined my marriage. A happy mother makes a happy family. You MUST take care of yourself first. Look into medication, I know lexapro has helped me tremendously! Don't give up if one medication doesn't work. I talked to my OBGYN who has prescribed it to me. Find a local therapist so you have some one on one time that is dedicated to you and your time.

It's hard trying to get away with children but have you talked to your husband about trying to get home early on your therapy days. Most businesses can be pretty cool and understanding when it comes to family health. Hang in there and just remember that you are not the only one and you are asking for help. That is a HUGE step. Good luck

Sometimes being around other moms can help relieve some of the depression. Are there moms and tots classes or groups around where you're at? They have them through the Chicago Park District and they have proven to be a valuable asset for friendship and networking. Typically these groups are during the morning and afternoon, so it wouldn't interfere with your night business. And it's great for your 19 month old to socialize too!
Hang in there!

Hello, I am a stay at home mom to two beautiful girls. They are now 8 and 9 1/2 yrs. They are 20 mos. apart.
I went through a very similar situation. I was afraid and depressed when I was pregnant with my second. My first child needed so much of me that I felt like I would almost be abandoning her (in my mind). Well,try to shake that off.It is an adjustment. But, it can and will be a positive one.
God will not give you anything that you can't handle.
I went through this and came out the other side. Please remember that it is all going to be OK. The baby is a blessing.
I do think it is a natural, normal feeling that most women are afraid to talk about when you have a second child. They are the best of friends now and don't know what to do without each other. Try to enjoy each moment of your day-knowing this is exactly where you are meant to be and exactly what you are supposed to be doing.
Here's some of what I did:
I played with my daughter at special set times leading up to the birth of my second-to kind of transition-special Mommy and Me time. She knew she could count on my undivided attention at those times.
When my 2nd child came-they sleep so much that you still do have time for that transition Mommy & Me play time to help her feel special.
Plus,you can take the baby with you (ex.sling) and play.
Try to include her in taking care of thr baby(Getting diapers, wipes, putting on bibs,etc.)
When the baby is on a schedule of naps. Your daughter can count on those times for special times with you if you want. That was a big help for us. Then, play time as a whole family. That way it's not the me or the new baby mentality for her.
Try to get outside and enjoy the sunshine.
I hope this helps.

I would talk to you doctor about being nervous about having postpartum after your son is born. I am only 5 months pregnant with my second and my first is only 9 months. (I am not a doctor) It sounds like you are just overwhelmed with everything that is going on and everything that is about to come and its totally normal... even though it SUCKS! Find time for yourself... go get your hair done, your nails something. You need time to your self and you need to tell your husband that. Zoe could also be picking up on how you are feeling. My son is very demanding and when I am having a ruff day he is even worse. Kids know. Don't be scared to talk to your doctor about this or your husband and your husband really needs to understand. Maybe him and Zoe need to spend some time together... it might be good for her when the baby comes. Hang in there!!!!!

I highly recommend you join a mothers and more group or a newcommers group in your town where you can meet people going through the same thing you are- I have great neighbors and I would watch my neighbors daughter a few hours and we would trade off and she would watch my son a few hours. there are so many people out there that are willing to help- have you enrolled the 19 mo old in preschool for the fall?? is your daughter in OT or PT? If so they can also help you. Good luck to you.

I think the other responses have been great so far. I wanted to let you know of a support group called the MOMS Club. It stands for Moms Offering Moms Support. It's a wonderful group and everyone is very supportive. There is a babysitting co-op that could help with your daughter when your son is born. It's an international group with local chapters all over the country and parts of the world. The website is www.momsclub.org. Click on Welcome at the left and then search by state and city. I wish you the best of luck!

Please do yourself and your family a favor and speak to your doctor about taking Zoloft for the postpartum depression. I, too, suffered sever postpartum after my first child and did not want to take any medication because I was breast feeding. I suffered through it and it was very dangerous. I had hallucinations (heard and saw things that were not there), cried, was paranoid and so on and so on. I switched doctors for my second child and she actually insisted I start a low dose of Zoloft 2 weeks before delivery and I am still on it 8 months later. I am breast feeding my baby and all studies show that there is no known evidence of harm to the baby. I tell you all this because my life is so much better for it. My husband and family are so much better for it. Please know that your chances of having worse postpartum increases with each pregnancy. It can be an extremely scary and dangerous situation , and it certainly lessens the excitement and joy that accompanies a new baby. It is difficult enough without the postpartum, so please talk to your doctor. I am a nurse and educated about medication and its effects so I was hesitant with the breastfeeding, but I assure you it is the best decision I could have done for me and my family. Good luck and please ask for help. Us mommies cant do it all!!!! Best Wishes!

Hi, M.. It's great that you are recognizing your feelings and reaching out. Are your older girls around the house, where they can babysit? Are you in a position to have someone around the house to help, even when you are there (SitterCity.com is service where you can post your needs and hopefully find someone to match your schedule, even to help with things like the kids' laundry, etc.) Please, Please, don't be afraid to get professional help as well, which is usually covered by insurance. A licensed social worker is good just to talk to. Have you talked to your pediatrician about ideas to help with Zoe? (e.g. perhaps how to set limits, etc.--with our pediatrician at Loyola I was able to set up an appointment without my son specifically to talk about behavioral issues, which was helpful.)

1st of all mommy, get zoe under control. She has to understand that you need time to yourself(before you lose your mind). Put her down for a nap or get a sitter to take her to the park or something so she learns to do things without you(especially with daddy). Alone time is important for you and for him. Peace and quiet are just as important for your mental health. You have to come 1st so you stay well enough to raise them. Set up play dates where you alternate houses. You could proably find someone living near you right on this site. Your rest is of the utmost importance...you must get some.

M., you have a lot of praying to do. All of your issues are legitimate, however, you do not need to spend your time now worrying about what may or may not happen later. Give it all over to God. The bible tells us in Matthew 6:33-34, (seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it's own things. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble.) That scripture is basically telling us that first of all if we seek God first about everything, he will help direct your path. The other part of the scripture tells us that There's no need to worry about tomorrow when today has it's own worries. Some things are out of our control, and when it is, we have no choice but to give it all to God. Pray about your situation, talk to God and ask Him for direction, and in the mean time spend that time with your daughter now while you have the chance.

God bless you,
A concerned mother

Here are some hints from counseling (can you go to it?) You need to change your thought processes and behavior modification counseling would help you to do that. You seem to be operating with some beliefs learned in childhood which are without common sense: 1. history always repeats itself; 2.if I think about something bad happening I can prevent it from happening or I'll be more ready for it; 3.I have to be very careful (with my baby) to prevent something terrible from happening; etc. 1.Wrong, there are other babysitters out there who will not find your Zoe to be too much to handle, and you can find one and you need a respite from her; 2. Wrong, it is your actions and not your thoughts which direct outcomes, interrupt your negative thoughts about Kenny and how he will be and talk to yourself reasonably and supportively, "I don't know what Kenny will be like, he could be like my first two, or like Zoe, or in-between, but when he comes I will be able to handle it and I will have the helps necessary to handle him and Zoe"; 3. Wrong. No matter how careful you are something could happen to Kenny, this is part of parenthood and part of life. The majority of children grow up without something terrible happening to them,so relax and be reasonably careful, knowing that you can handle what ever comes along. Another bad effect of thinking illogically is that those beliefs put a terrible burden (stress) on us and produce a lot of guilt.
Talk to your doctor because what advice you're going to receive can only go so far to help if you are depressed with post-partum and need medication temporarily. A group is not the best help for you, try something else, like one-on-one counseling and anti-depressants.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. It's worse when your pregnant, I understand. I had a three year old girl, when I was pregnant with my second and she is also a wonderful child, but quite a handful. I thought I was going to loose my mind at one time. I have also had times of anxiety attacks with stress. I do yoga, exercise and try to eat well. I have also recently found a wonderful supplement that has changed my life. Helping me with this and several other health issues. Drop me a line if you ever just want to talk or have more questions, ____@____.com husband and I work from home and on the computer so I'm usally easy to get ahold of. I do most of my work at night, because it doesn't take from my girls. Good Luck, G. Chambers