Possible Post-partum Depression for Dad?

just a quick suggestion for a way for Dad to bond w/baby: we skipped the "baby bathtub" and my husband got into the big bathtub with him and gave him his bath every night. Since you're breastfeeding, you get great, skin-on-skin, sweet bonding time - and this can be a great way for Dad to do that. I sat outside the tub and helped (handing washcloths and soap and toys and things to my husband) but it was really his gig. Also, to this day bathtime is my son's favorite part of the day. Good luck!

A known 10% of fathers go through a type of post-partum depression. There could be more out there that don't report it, but that's all I know on the subject.

Try wearing one of his shirts around all day and when he gets home, have him put it on so it smells like you when he holds her. They say putting something that smells like mom in their cribs when they are fussy calms them, so maybe this would make a difference too. Good idea for him to play with her and interact when she isn't fussy.......good luck!

This is really normal for first time dads! Don't tell him to get over it because you'd be really sad too. However, he needs to figure out that your baby doesn't hate him, that's silly. It could also be that this is his way of trying to take a little attention from the situation since its probably all been on you and the baby. I know that there is something about this in the "what to expect" book and certainly you could find and on line article. Force him to read it so he realizes that this happens to ALL dads.

My daughter was the same way with my husband and then she gave her first smile to him and said "Dada" first and squeals everytime she sees him. A time will come when the response will be more equal for your hubby.

Hi A. :)

My husband and I are going through the exact same thing. PPD for men is real. He is not being childish for feeling the way he does. If a woman were to post that she was going through PPD she would never be told she was acting like a child, so why would that be said about a man experiencing the same symptoms? I think you have been doing a great job at addressing his feelings in a sensitive way. I know how frustrating it can be.

My daughter only wants me. It doesn't matter what my husband does..her cries keep escalating until he gives her to me. The second she is in my arms she stops crying, which to him, only twists the knife once it's already in. I have told him not to take it personally and have explained to him all the reasons you told your husband as well. He said "how can I not take it personally? She's my daughter and I love her." He gets frustrated at not being able to soothe her. If she is crying at night and he goes to get her from her crib, she will start crying even harder the second she sees him! Fatherhood definitely isn't going the way he expected it to. Just like your husband, he thought he would be able to cuddle with her, rock her, soothe her, feed her, etc. I can't imagine how they must feel. It must be so hard to feel like your child is rejecting you. I'm sure we will experience that when they are teenagers ;)

We sat down one night to talk about ways to make the situation better. A few people suggested that I leave the house and let them figure it out. My husband isn't comfortable with this and I respect that. So we are taking it slow and so far it seems to be working. At first, she would only let him hold her (without crying) if I still had one of my hands on her! We did that for a few days then I stopped touching her (but I was still in the room) while he was holding her and she was fine. Now I can leave them alone together in the same room without her freaking out. It took about 2 weeks for us to get to that point. We make sure that he is spending time with her during her happy times too. We also recently introduced solids and I let him do that. Now it is something she associates with only him and it's become a special time for them. If there is anything that you haven't done with your baby yet, try letting your husband be the one to introduce it so that they have something that's just theirs. My husband's confidence is getting stronger every day and my daughter is becoming more comfortable with him every day as well. We still have days that aren't great. Sometimes she will scream again until she gets me but it's a slow process for us.. and I have decided to be patient and sensitive to both of them while we work this out.

It's so tough to go through this, especially if you are exhausted and need a break but feel like you can't pass your baby off to your husband without having to listen to your baby scream for the next hour! If you want to chat about it more (or vent ;) ) you can send me a message. Good luck!

Do not belittle your husband's feelings of being excluded. Imagine if you had a nanny and your sweet little newborn only wanted him/her to comfort her. Imagine that you felt you had not had adequate opportunity to bond with her. Then add to that the feeling that the nanny was in charge of all decisions with your daughter. That is the position your husband finds himself in. There are 2 important things for you to do right now. Number one: sit down with him and ask for his opinion on how he would like to help the issue and really, really listen to him, then implement some of his ideas even if you don't completely agree. Secondly, make sure that he gets time alone with your daughter (without you out of the house) so that he can start to develop a bond in his own way without you to distract her and without him feeling like you are looking over his shoulder. Let the 2 of them figure out ways to comfort her without your help (unless he asks for it). Also when you are together and he is trying to comfort her, let him do it. Make yourself scarce unless he asks for your help.

My DH felt very left out at first because of the breastfeeding bond I was able to have. He also felt nervous about doing things "wrong" and having me disapprove or, even worse, have me correct him. Fortunately he was able to talk with me about it. I started pumping breastmilk at 6 weeks and then I could go out for a half day or an evening and my DH could have time alone with our DS. It vastly improved their relationship and gave my DH the confidence to know that he could be the comforter even if at times our DS seemed only to want me. I can't stress how much this improved their relationship, and our relationship.

My son was like this initially, but we had to turn it around fast because I was going back to work and my husband was going to be watching him. Before I returned to work, I would leave the 2 of them alone for progressively longer periods at a time: first 2 hours, then 4, then 6, and so on. The first few times they were left alone were hellish for the both of them. My husband's frustration level was high and his self-esteem was low. It did get easier. They just had to get used to each other. Now my son is equally happy with both parents, and we both feel confident in taking care of him.

Your husband will find his own way of soothing your daughter, and she will learn to appreciate it--if you let them. If he is trying to soothe her, don't butt in. Go for a walk, run to the store, whatever--I promise you they will both be alive when you get home.

Your husband likely sees your daughter's fussiness as a problem that he can't fix. I understand your frustration with your husband, but give him a chance to be the father he wants to be.

If you were a baby who would you rather spend your time with? A mom that snuggles and is a calming influence or a dad that mopes around like a whiny four year old all the time?

Have you tried leaving your husband a bottle - I'm just assuming that since you are working, you're pumping too - and just leaving the house altogether?

Go see a movie by yourself or go do some shopping. Leave them together and let them figure it out.

Maybe she'll cry the whole time, maybe she won't but if he is going to be any kind of a dad then he needs to be able to put up with constant crying without acting like a child.

Also, it would be a good idea for him to have his own "Dad Only" was to soothe her and calm her down.

Good luck.

I second Nancy's ideas about leaving dad a bottle and leaving the house for awhile. Your daughter may not get past this on her own if you don't put the two of them together without mom to fall back on. Please try to be understanding of your husband's feelings, it can be very difficult to have your child reject you. I'd also try to have dad take over many of her basic cares such as bathing and dressing. You should be no where in sight during this time, take a shower, go outside or down to the basement, anywhere far enough so you are not tempted to intervene. Also, maybe Dad should not try to do the tings you do to sooth your baby. Dad's are different have have different wonderful ways to entertain their children. My kids always loved when daddy held them overhead and rubbed their tummys on his hair. Most importantly give dad some real alone time with baby and don't step in when things get rough. Good luck!

I think it's hitting him that parenthood isn't always the picture perfect Hallmark card moments you thought it was gonna be! LoL Poor guy! But this might help: both my kids, from the moment they were born, were (and still are) constantly switching between which parent they prefer. Sometimes they are all about dad and the next moment they are a couple of mama's boys. The fact that Maura is a newborn means she will probably gravitate toward you, BUT pretty soon I'm sure she'll realize how fun it is to be a Daddy's Girl =)

Actually your husband sounds really sweet and sensitive. That's a good thing. I think you told him the right thing by saying that he should spend as much time with her as he can when she's happy. That will be good bonding time. And soon she'll warm up to him more and he'll be able to console her too. Sorry I don't have any more advice. Good luck.

Wow- you already have a lot of responses- so i appoligize if i'm repeating somebody!

I still have this problem with my husband to a degree and our little one is ten and a half months. So I know hard it is to deal with such an emotional reaction from him, when it seems like second nature to us.

If i'm in the room at all, our little one just plain want's me and wont calm down for dad, so he gets upset- upset that he cant calm her, upset that his arms are getting tired, upset that he's gettin a head ache... etc. The amazing thing is that when i leave the room (and go cringe in the other room for awhile), he can usually find a way to calm her.

I am definately a control freak and its really hard to let go and let him find his way, but thats the only way we've found that works. For months I tried to 'show' him what works, and it would just frustrate him more that i was watching him and that he couldnt get it 'just right.' I think it is more of a confidence issue. When we 'take over' they feel like we're telling them they cant do it.

It will take some time for your daughter to get used to dad because of all the reasons you said, but you have to let him work through it. She won't be able to get to know him if she doesnt spend time with him, so i agree with your idea of spending time wiht her when shes in a good mood. (And the idea of pumping and lettin him give a bottle is good too.) I know its hard to leave him with her when you know how upset he gets... But I think its just something some dads have to go through.. Let him know you love him and that you know he can do it, that she just needs to get to know him and his way of doing things. And then let him take care of her. Leave the room, leave the house if you need to, but let him (Make him) do it!

Again, it gets better. Just last week when our little one was so sick that we eventually took her to the ER for dehydration, I couldnt even console her, yet he found a way and had to teach me! (He figured out that if he repeated the same line of a song over and over and over and walked the same path, "she would eventually get board and fall asleep!" lol)

So i think we just need to give the guys the reins and let them be. Eventually he'll build more confidence in his abilities. --And eventually the little one will grow older and start to light up every time she sees daddy- and eventually she will say "DaDa" or "Papa" and he will just melt. I try to make it a point to tell him when she just smiled at him, or looks for him when he leaves the room, or other things that tell me she loves him too.

Its hard when she's so new... Just keep lettin him know that You love him and letting him be involved. It'll get better for both of you! Good Luck!
(PS- Send a msg if you ever get frustrated or need to let off steam! Its hard dealing with a new baby and a new dad!)

My husband wanted to be involved as much as he could. Before I started to pump my milk. He would pick up the baby bring them to me for feedings and sit with us then he would hold her/him when they were done eating. He worked all day this was good for them. Once I would pump he would get up in the middle of the night (usually wkends-due to work) and would do the feedings.
Since you are returning to work go a head and express milk make a bottle and let him have some feeding time and slowly work your way out of the room. If need to have a shirt of yours around so your sent is there even if you are not.
They can feel the tention in the air so is she getting more upset because you both are getting upset? He needs to find his own way and your way might not work for them.
I think you both need to talk and find away for him to feel more connected. If it is more time feeding, reading, bathing or playing with her, she will be more likely to go to him when she is upset. There will plenty of times over the years when you will have to talk and come up with ways to handle many problems. Good communication, listening, and compromise will go along way in dealing with issues.
Remember he spent nine months thinking he could rock his child to sleep and hold her and it is not working out. It must be very hard. Give them daddy time let him know you believe in him.

After my daughter was born I wasn't so hot health-wise so my husband was the person who really took care of her for her first 3 weeks. Then of course when he went back to work, she wanted him and not me. It did take us a few weeks to get used to eachother. And now she's 2 and it rather depends what she's upset about and who she'll choose to calm down with. I think we have different strategies. We mused with the pediatrician that in more families the dad should be the primary early care person and perhaps more kids and dads would have better relationships. But anyway. It's frustrating for both of you. He just has to keep trying and eventually something will click.

I think part of the problem is that you keep "rescuing" your daughter. You're not allowing her to build any trust with her father. Maybe you need to give them some alone time where you're not around. He could take her for a walk while you're not home, or allow you to go out for half an hour or so and leave him on his own.

Yes, it is natural that she looks to you and for him to be upset with this situation, but hopefully you can find strategies so that he gets to bond with her as well.

my husband was also very hurt by the mommy preference... and let me just warn you, it gets worse as they hit 8-9 months!

however, we decided that baby needed to also learn that daddy could provide comfort, so we agreed that when dad has baby, and she's upset, mom won't interfere/help out until dad asks her to. that seemed to help a) give dad and baby time to learn that comfort can come from dad and b) prevent mom from sweeping in and "rescuing" baby as the ultimate comforter (which always resulted in the argument that mom "rescued" baby too soon).

does he give her a bottle (of formula or expressed milk) each day? we started that at around 4 weeks, and that was a great chance for the two of them to bond, and was a welcome break for me too.

good luck!

When I read your message I had to laugh because my husband went through the SAME thing with our first son (who is now 2 1/2 years old). When he was a newborn I went to the neighbors for a few minutes and he called over there because he was so frustrated that he couldn't calm Jack down. I got home and took him and he instantly stopped crying and fell asleep in my arms! Oh my gosh did my husband freak out!! "See, why can't I do that??" I kept telling him that he can sense when he is frustrated and it's true, babies can totally tell if you are frustrated and so they get frustrated. After much time and practice, my husband got it down and felt so great when he could calm him down and put him to sleep! Now my son is a total daddy's boy and gets so excited when he gets home from work!! It's sooo fun to watch them together! Tell him to hang in there!!

You need to be aware that your daughter's subconscious may not want to be with him right now, and it may take some time for this to change. I would highly recommend joining your husband in bonding time and do a "joint" bonding trial period. Perhaps your daughter will be more receptive to him if you are there with them both. Whatever you do, don't force her to be alone with him if she's not comfortable with it. This could create many more problems in the future, and there may be other reasons she doesn't want to be with him. Time will hopefully tell if this is the case. Keep your eyes open for behaviors in him that may be triggering this response from your daughter (eg: his open frustration when she "rejects" him).

I also would like to recommend the self-help series "Binding the Wounds" produced by Ron and Nancy Rockey, you can find it at: http://www.yourlri.com/store/category.cfm?type=top&id=9 It's somewhat expensive, but it should give you some insight into why your husband is reacting the way he is, I highly recommend it. (Don't be put-off by this series if you aren't a Christian. It is presented from a Christian perspective, but it is backed by scientific facts.)

Best wishes!

Hi A.,

When my husband was bummed about the same thing when our boys were little, a doctor told him "Do not feel sorry for this, grown men, injured on the battlefield cry and ask for their mom." Somehow he felt better about hearing that. It's nothing personal. L.

I am still going through this and my son is 20 mos.! Now that he has started daycare all the baby cares about is where "mom" is; he has his eye on me all the time to make sure I don't leave. My husband has been doing some contract work on the side this week and was not getting home until after the baby went down. So in a nutshell he hasn't been with him for a week. Last night my husband thought that when we came home he would run up to him and only want to be with "dad". It was completely the opposite, he got upset and ran to me - I could see the hurt on his face. My husband and son are "buds" and it will always be that way.....BUT, when you baby is scared or hurt....he/she comes to mom. Like you said....soon all he will want is daddy and "guy" stuff :( I don't think there is a family out there that hasn't gone through this!

Have you considered spending more time away from home? That is what I would do. Or at least being outside or in another part of the house. I think that would help them bond better.

UGH! I went through that same thing with my husband when my daughter was born. He had a really rough time of it too. It's a very big adjustment for everyone and dads take it hard too. For us, it was just something that got better with time. My daughter (now 2) still prefers mommy but once they get older and can play and rough-house more, dads start to feel more involved. All you can try to do now is try to get out of the house and leave the baby with him so they can get to know each other better. I know with my next baby, I'm going to make sure to leave him/her with him way more often than I did on the first one.

I don't mean to be harsh but it sounds like you have two children on your hands.
My only suggestion would be to get him a book (What to Expect the First Year is a great resource) that will explain the stages of development of a child. That way experts will give him the information he needs and he can try not to take it personally.
I can understand how he feels. Parenthood isn't always what one expects it to be. But he does need to put his feelings aside and do what is best for the family. And right now he's not doing that.

I don't know if you daughter likes bath time, but it might be a good way for Dad and baby to spend quality time with her. Either he can bath directly with her, or give her a bath in the baby tub. I always felt it was a good way for them to just talk and bond. It's a very personal time and that physical contact will bring her closer to him. I don't know if you do baby massage at all. But that is a good way as well. Look for books. But after bathtime just lay her down on the floor (on a towel) in a warm room and just use lotion or oil (I used natural olive oil not baby oil, that's not natural) and gently massage her. Again it's the physical contact.

This will probably work better if your not around or at least not in the same room, so she relates these things with Daddy and only come in when he needs help getting out of the tub.

My husband doesn't react quite so strongly, but we have the exact same situation in our house--the baby loves mommy and only wants her. I'm lucky; my husband realizes that when he gets up 5-7 times every night, maybe wanting mommy and only mommy isn't something to be jealous of--but it IS perfectly normal. My husband also does everything just fine; tries the same things I do, and is even more patient than I am--but Ethan just wants mommy a lot of time, and I know it's frustrating for him. No advice; just sympathy. Good luck!

Hi. Up front: I'm not the Mama, I'm the Daddy. I can completely relate with what your husband is going through. We've got 2 daughters - one 2 years(Ella) and one almost 8 months(Evelyn). Our second daughter sounds just like yours. Whenever she's upset, it seems like Mom is the only one able to console her. She is also breastfed, with little to no bottle feedings. Our first child had difficulties with breastfeeding, so I was able to help out and tube / bottle feed her myself. I think that this may be one of the reasons that our second is a "Mama's" girl.

I often have the same feelings as your husband. I know that she doesn't hate me, and that she'll grow out of her "Mama only" phase(s), but it's still hard. You want so much for your child to love you and need you, and when she won't be consoled by anyone but Mom, it's like a slap in the face, a punch in the gut, and a little bit of a broken heart all at the same time.

But take heart, Mr. A. F! She WILL grow out of it, and she DOES love you now, and she WILL show it!

A., when you go back to work, will you be bringing Maura with you? If not, and you end up pumping or going to formula, let your husband bottle feed her when possible. I don't think we men get the same euphoria that is reported by women, but we do get the bonding time, and it's wonderful.

Hope this is helpful a bit. I still have my times that I've got to get over when Evie is unconsolable, but it's getting better. And so am I.

A.-

Your description of what is happening for your husband is more common than you or he might know! A colleague and I teach continuing education classes in Fort Atkinson, exactly about this issue. I'm not trying to sell anything to you though, I just wanted to mention that because we hear this from new fathers and mothers quite often. John Gottman is a ground-breaking researcher who has studied this topic extensively and has written books about the relationship dynamics (how to preserve your relationship as a couple when you become parents) and specifically, the extremely crucial role of the father (engaging, playing, hands-on, stimulating style) that tends to complement the mother's role as ultimate nurturer. Babies need both types of interactions so it is never too early to start. For more info on Dr. Gottman and his work you can visit www.bringingbabyhomeonline.org or just check out his books-his most recent is And Baby Makes Three. Good Luck! Let him know that fathers often feel rejected, and jealous of the mom's relationship with the baby. Also, it sounds like he really wants to be involved! Praise this! The world needs and is getting more father's like this. Let him know that there is a very important job for him (right now, not when Maura is older), it's just not likely going to be the same as yours. And that job is father-style play which you can read more about in Gottma's work. Tell him that when father's engage in play with the infants, research shows that babies light up and show preferential treatment to their dads when they are in that active and alert phase. One last note, he may be jealous and worried that your attention towards the baby will always outshine the love you have for him. And like your puppy, he may be grieving that change. Again, all normal. I think extra love shown in action and words helps alleviate the growing pains. O.K. really the last comment for you-really try (and you might have to leave for a half hour walk if you or he can't tolerate the baby crying). Let him change her, hold her, play with her on his own. Don't interrupt or interfere with how he does it if it's not how you normally do things. As long as Maura is safe, she benefits from the difference in interaction. And if you are there, she will probably move towards you, engaging you to interact and leaving your husband feeling rejected. So, go for that walk that you probably would love to take anyway. Good luck A.! S. K.

My DH is going through this with our 2nd daughter. Our first girl clung to him like crazy immediately out of the womb, so he's having a super difficult time this go-round. We found that having HIM feed her made her respond better to him...I've pumped a few times so that he can bottle feed her on occasion. Also, she's almost 5 months old, so we started her on rice cereal, and he feeds that to her. She has finally been able to respond positively to him. I know exactly how you feel. I would leave for an hour to go work out and come home to my baby screaming hysterically and my husband looking absolutely beyond frazzled. I get fed up with my hubby too, but like i said, they're both doing better now. Good luck!

I just have a small thing to add...we had/have this issue--my son is 19 mths, and usually wants me. All things below are the same for me, BUT!! I do have to add that it IS NOT silly or dumb for him to feel that way! My husband feels that way too, and I'm sure I would if roles were reversed! I too get frustrated trying to console both of them, but just try to put yourself in his shoes. It doesn't matter if your husband is 3 or 30, feelings are feelings! Good Luck!

Oh my gosh, word for word what you wrote is EXACTLY what we were going through just a short time ago. My son was born on 12/17 and just now in the past few weeks we are getting past this. It will get better!! I don't know how many times I heard my husband say, "he hates me, I don't even know why I bother." I posted a "help me" message similar to yours on thenest.com and was frustrated because most people that responded were those chipper ones with the husbands that love every minute of fatherhood and have no issues and work magic with the baby (so they said anyway), which is not what I wanted to read.

Anyway, one thing that I tried to do is what you already said-- tried to make sure that he got to spend time with him when he wasn't fussy. If he was in a content mood, I would make him sit down and spend time with him and we also started having him give the baby a bottle of expressed breast milk before bed so he would associate food with dad too and not just me. Sometimes that went well, sometimes not. My son is almost four months old now and I feel like they have finally gotten into somewhat of a groove now and my husband has found his own way of calming him down (walking around the house with him). One thing that boosted his confidence was when I returned to work a couple weeks ago, my first two days back he stayed home with him. They had two great days together and my husband said that he could see why I loved being home with our son, that he was so much fun during the day. I think the uninterrupted alone time is important. He would obviously see him during the day on the weekends before, but I was still there and would do most of the caregiving.

I have two other suggestions for you, too. If you can secure a copy, watch the video "The Happiest Baby on the Block". I have a copy and wished we would have watched it earlier as demonstrates great soothing techniques that totally worked with our son during his evening fussy time (so it gave my husband more things to try). Also, one of the things that frustrated my husband and caused some fights was when I would come check on them and help out when whatever he was doing wasn't working. I assumed he would want the help, but I found out later that sometimes he felt like I thought he wasn't capable. So now if he is putting our son to bed or feeding him or something and our son is upset, I am not going to go help or even check in on him unless my husband asks me to help, that way he is still in control of the situation and I don't just bulldoze in and take over.

Sorry for the long message! I just wanted you to know that others are definitely in your same shoes and it will get better! Good luck!

Hey. A.. Congratulations on your new baby!

I agree with all you have to say, and I just wanted to encourage you to give as much of the care of your daughter over to your husband when he's around. Besides playing with her, have you been allowing him to dress her, change her diapers, etc.? I think it's hard for many new moms to let their husbands do some of these things. I know it was hard for me when our kids were babies. Not that I didn't think my husband was capable of doing these things, I just didn't want to give up one moment with my baby!

Obviously, when she needs to eat, you're the only one who can provide that to her. But as much as possible when your husband is around, allow him to do other things for and with her. Besides helping him bond with her, it will also give you a break!

God bless!

N.

If you want to show your husband something in print there is a small article about this in the May 2008 edition of "Parenting" magazine--p. 119. It basically says that this is very common and he should try not to take it personally. It should pass in a couple of months. Good luck!

First of all, tell your husband that your daughter doesn't "hate" him. Is he serious? It has absolutely NOTHING to do with him, it is a matter of pure instinct and survival for your new teeny little person to want you all the time. One thing is for sure though; if he keeps expecting her to reject him, he is only setting himself up for a strained relationship. The first baby is a HUGE, completetly life-altering, forever and ever, "oh-man-what-have-we-done?" event. And I am not stating that in a negative manner. It is just so very major. You have to be 100% in-charge of this new life, and every single decision you make is forever considering her, and how it will impact her. Your husband is really just feeling like an outsider, because I am sure he is used to having your attention when he wants it. That is no longer the case, and he will get used to it. It is a huge change for him too. He probably longs for some time with you, alone, and knows he is no longer your first thought. It is something that you two will work out, and once she starts smiling at him, he will feel much more "relevent". Just be sensitive to the fact that Dad's have their own way of doing things, so telling him he is doing something "wrong" will only make it harder for him. He and Maura will figure out what works for them, the same way you two have. She surely does not hate him. She just knows you better, right now, and relies on you to thrive. He'll get it eventually, but it is a tremendous shift in the relationship, that is definitely hard. It is totally normal, and thankfully he really wants to be a part of her life and longs for a connection with her. It's not as easy and natural for dads in the beginning. But, I assure you that it will be absolutely darling to see them together, sooner than later.

i certainly worried about my husband during the same time when our son was young. he was just bummed that our baby preferred me. however, he was working long hours at the time, so he wasnt home until late hours to begin with - that was the worst time to try to play with our baby as he was tired and cranky. also, my husband had zero experience with babies when our son was born, so he didnt know what to expect.

i told him the same thingyou told your husband, its normal at this age to prefer mom, so besides that i dont know what to say. it is VERY possible that he could have a form of postpartum, and kudos to you for being concerned enough to wonder... you KNOW men wouldnt admit on their own that something like that happened to them, but it does much more often than we hear about. is your husband willing to meet with the doctor? if not, is he willing to go to a doctor appointment for your baby? i believe that those doctors are also there to take a look at you and refer help if needed. maybe ask your doctor beforehand to take a look at your husband and decide if he thinks its a big deal, or just talking to your doctor if you are there alone, about your concerns. men are hard because a lot of times they would rather ignore their feelings right?

anyway, i wish you good luck, and the best you can do is support the times your baby is in a good mood and playful for times your husband can be with her..

I have two daughters who are 11 and 15. My husband had some similar reactions especially with the first. I think only part of it is actually the baby - and you're right, at some point she'll think her dad can do no wrong...actually I'm still waiting for that phase to pass :) But, it is a big adjustment for your husband that for the last 5 years HE was the center of attention from YOU and now your attention has been diverted elsewhere. If you can find some ways to spend husband/wife time with him again it may help. I know it's hard with a new born, but it will really pay off in the long run.

Hi A.,
My husband had some of the same feelings of being left out and feeling that our 2 dauthers didn't like him when they were babies. It is tough, but you are right they will outgrow it! One thing that I found was that my husband was better at getting the baby's burps up after feeding, so I would nurse the baby and then hand her over to Daddy to be burped, she was already fed and in a better mood, often she was really sleepy too so he would burp her and then rub her back until she fell asleep, it was a really great bonding time for the two of them when she was not in a fussy mood. When she was fussy she wanted NOTHING to do with Daddy! With our second daughter my husband understood that better and did not feel as left out, he just waited for when she was already happy or needed to be burped for his "baby time". As the children grew a little older he had more and more one-on-one time with them, esspecially since I went back to school full time in the evenings so he had to care for them and put them to bed. We also do "Daddy day" sometimes on Saturdays Daddy will take his little girls out to the park or a movie or just out for ice cream. The bottom line is that it WILL get easier! Also, infants are incapable of "hating" anyone, your husband might need to read some information in a book or a good online source that explains what infants are capable of developmentatlly at different ages, many first time parents have unrealistic expectations of what a baby can do or what she is "thinking about" when she does something. And even if she crys while her Daddy is holding her, make sure that he does hold her! And sing to her and talk to her, it is like he is investing in his relationship with his dauther, it may not pay off immediatly but it WILL pay off in the future! Girls with involved fathers are so much better off as far as self esteem, education, and they are less likely to have sex at a young age. Tell your husband these things and compliment him when he cares for the baby, don't hover over him or correct him all the time either, it is OK if Daddy does things differently from Mommy!

I don't think your husband is acting like a 4 year old, wouldn't you be sad if your baby didn't like you soothing them? I agree with the other moms that you need to get away from them and give them a chance with you nowhere in sight or sound if you can't stay away. Nothing bad will happen, and it will turn their relationship around. If it were me, I would want to do all I can to make sure hubby/baby have a close bond. My husband stays home with the babies and I work, and sometimes my babies prefer dad when we are both home for soothing. It sucks, I hate that feeling. I understand it, and my husband does and he leaves when he sees it happen and me and the kids are just fine without him, sometimes better, breaks are good. By giving dad alone time, it will show him that you trust him and fully respect him as a dad and maybe that will help with the mooping around after you take the baby from him. maybe it isn't the babies reaction but your reaction to the situation that makes him sad. Good luck to daddy and baby - I am sure they will be fine.

Hi A., I was about to respond to this and happened to read the last post from a dad in your husband's situation. I totally agree with every word he had said. Our first son (hubby's first child, my third child) was the same way. It wasn't until my husband was more involved with feedings that he was able to console Michael more. With my last one that was just born in January, I exclusively breastfed for the first 6 weeks, and it wasn't until we started giving a bottle from my husband that he was easily soothed by him. You might run into the same situation with your daycare provider once you go back to work. So you may want to consider pumping now, and giving the milk in a bottle (or formula), and let your husband give those feedings. With Gabe (my newborn), once I started giving him a bottle from "me" he started refusing the breast. That is why I recommend bottle feedings to not be from you to avoid that from happening. Even still, there are comforts that only a mother can give (or father). You mentioned that he does the same things as you to soothe her. Maybe he could try something new that only he will do. Best wishes to you, and please assure him that it DOES and WILL get better.

B.

Hi A.,

Here is a really good website to check out if you are interested in more information about Postpartum in Dads.

http://www.postpartummen.com/

I love all the other moms suggestions to help dad and baby bond. I just want to touch more on the topic of depression, which is very serious and should not be taken lightly. I personal have suffered depression many times (including postpartum) and it is nothing to be ignored. So if your hubby really has depression or signs of depression seek help, it does not go away on its own. I am not saying medication is needed but help is (talking to a professional). The website link above has a section that will help determine if he might have postpartum depression.

K.

A.,
I think it's possible that men get post-partum depression. I think my husband had a form of it too. I think the struggles he's facing being unable to console your daughter is really common. There's got to be a book out there about that issue.

My daughter still prefers me and will sometimes cry going to her dad and she's almost 10 months. What my husband did is just tell me to go away and tough it out with my daughter. It was torture for me, listening to her scream, but it did eventually work. Now she loves her daddy.

It sounds like the issue for you is that you are tired of having to console your husband. Maybe suggest he get involved in a dad's group or see a counselor, so he has someone else to rely on for support.
Hope this helps. A.

Post-partum dad is a real syndrome and is often undiagonosed. A very well-respected and popular British pediatrician named Miriam Stoppard, www.miriamstoppard.com, has written quite a bit about it, and has dedicated a large section of her most recent books for new parents to the topic. The book is titled "First Time Parents" and costs about $14.00. It's available on Amazon.com, Babiesrus, and at her web address listed above.

According to Stoppard, this syndrome manifests itself differently in men. If untreated or unaddressed, its result is as troubling as it is for some women. In men, post-partum depression often manifests itself in how they relate to mom and baby, and how they perform both at home and at work. They can suffer mood shifts and weight gain too. Stoppard attributes this somewhat to hormones, but mostly to the psychological impact a big change like having a baby presents to a new father. Especially a first time father who has probably suddenly had to make big life changes to accommodate the baby.

Unlike us women, men don't have nature pounding them over the head with morning sickness, sciatic pain, and delivery to bring home the reality that life will now be different forever. While the guy is there for the showers and doctors appointments, it really doesn't become "real" for them until after the baby comes. That's when for some men they realize they can't just go hang out with the guys, or just watch the game on t.v. And for the more dutiful guys out there, after the first medical bills from the hospital arrive, the first time they realize the financial impact this will have on your lives. They panic when they realize they have to "provide" for this little baby. All men react differently. Maybe he's feeling stressed about finances, or guilty he isn't able to provide as much as you the mother can right now. Especially if you're breastfeeding, changing, bathing etc. most of the time, and he's feeling left out or being hypersensitive because he "percieves" the baby isn't bonding with him.

Did your husband take any "Dad and Baby" classes at the hospital before the baby was born? Or did you as a couple take any birth prep classes at the hospital? He needs to understand that in the early stages of babyhood, they're by nature designed to need their mommy's more. But he needs to understand this is a biological thing, not a preference thing. First and foremost reassure the man. Read books about baby development together, so he'll understand their behavior more. Provide opportunities for him to feel more involved. Let him bottlefeed once in a while, or just wear the child in a sling/carrier around the house while he cleans or hangs out. My hubby did this with our sons, and everyone involved loved it. The baby's do respond to this. They need to see dad's face as much as yours.

In addition to Stoppard's books, I highly recommend Dr. Sears' books on "Attachment Parenting". It sounds like your new family would be good candidates for this method of parenting. It's very dad involved. Go to www.AskDrSears.com and you'll get linked to his books, newsletters, products etc.

Lastly, its not too late for hubby to sign up for "Daddy and me" classes at the hospital. ECFE in some communities offer these classes too. He'll love it. My husband did.

I've never heard about ppd for dads. But I know what you're talking about. I've seen this before. Your husband needs to understand it's all about THE MILK and your heartbeat, esp the milk. At this stage mom is all about comfort and dad is all about play. In fact, I think that's true for a long time. Certainly I play with my kid (now 5) and dad is a huge comfort often - esp since he's at home with my son more than I am since age 3 - but this is biological and based on the division of labor as determined in your home. Are there exceptions? Sure. But a 30 year old thinking a baby hates him? That's silly. Babies don't hate. They don't know how. And your husband wants to be needed which is great! Our pediatrician suggests in his book that bath time is always daddy time. It's something that mom doesn't have to do and daddy can make his own. We did that and my husband and son loved it, after my husband got over the fear that something would go wrong. Also my husband started "reading" little board books to my kid at like 3 months, seemed kinda crazy to me, but it was about bonding and looking at colors and shapes and stuff. Same with the bedtime ritual when it became bath (not nightly), books, teeth, bed; that was Daddy time for us. Now that I'm working full time and my husband is PT stay at home, I've taken over bath nights because I need my mommy-son alone time. The nighttime ritual we share because we both love reading stories with him. Good luck!

I'll add one more "get out of the house without them" comment, lol. My husband was running his own business after our son was born, and he was very busy all the time, and I think it took a little longer for the two of them to bond. Before I went back to work we decided that hubby would take care of our son three days a week -- which meant that they really needed to figure each other out. I worked part time the second half of my twelve week maternity leave so that hubby could figure out how to handle the kid for hours without me.
I find my son (he's 19 mos. now) doesn't need me if I'm not around. For instance, he didn't want to take a bottle from me when he was little, but he did fine with the bottle if I wasn't there. And for a long time he only wanted me to put him to bed, but did just fine with daddy if I wasn't home that night.
Tell your husband you are SO thankful he wants to be helpful, soothe his ego a bit because it's difficult to be a first time parent no matter what sex you are, and then tell him you need some time to yourself. Let him figure out what works for him to soothe the baby, feed the baby, etc. My husband does some things differently than me, but it's been pretty interesting to see what works for them.
GL with your new baby!

A.,

All four of my kids went through this; my youngest is going through it now at age 10 months. She pushes dad away right in his face and launches from his arms to reach for me. You are right about every reason. She is with me all day and I am the "milk lady."

Sometimes it hurts my husband's feelings and sometimes he laughs it off - usually depends on his mood. Yes, he could be having post partum depression. It isn't just post delivery hormones that cause it because it happens to adoptive moms, too, and dads sometimes.

Keep trying to have him play with the baby when the baby feels in a good mood. And it will pass. My seven and five year old will plow right over the top of me to get to dad when he asks who wants to go with him for a ride in the truck to Home Depot.

We had the reverse situation when my first baby was a newborn. She had colic and she would only settle down for dad. I felt like the worst mom ever. It helped when my husband would bring her to me happy or sleeping and we would cuddle. He would say "See, she loves you so much. Sometimes she just needs a different hold when her tummy hurts. It is just luck that it is me." I would always shrug off his compliments, but it did help, and eventually she outgrew it.

Good luck,
S.

A.,

It sounds to me as if your husband is jealous of the relationship you have with your daughter. He may not even know that is what he is feeling. He sees the baby happy and content while you are holding her or when she is suckling at your breast and he is upset. As you said she grew inside you for 9 months, which is something that he can never truly appreciate, she is with you all day and knows that your body is where she gets her food. This can be really tough for a man to understand. No matter how hard they try they just don't truly get it.

Here is something to try.
When the baby is just starting to get fussy, let dad console her. But you have to leave the room. She can't be able to see or here you. This would be a great time for you to just go for a short walk, Take a hot bath, just do something for yourself knowing that the baby may be fussing but daddy is there to talk care of her. The first couple of times that you both do this will be really hard (emotionally for you). It would probably be best if you used this time to go for a walk so you are not in the house and having the overwhelming urge to help. After a few days to a week the baby will adjust and you will be able to better relax during this YOU time.

The best part of this is that Dad will spend alone time with the baby and you in fact are getting some much needed time for yourself doing what ever you need to do.

New moms often forget to do the little things for themselves. Please remember that you have just given birth and your body needs to recover from all that this entails.There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking time for yourself. In fact the bond between you, your husband and the baby will be stronger for it.

Blessings To you
S. Blevons
www.lhdoula-service.com.



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The beauty of my body is not measured by the size of the clothes it can fit into, but by the stories that it tells. I have a belly and hips that say, "We grew a child in here," and breasts that say, "We nourished life." My hands, with bitten nails and a writer's callus, say, "We create amazing things."
-Sarah, from I am Beautiful: A Celebration of Women in Their Own Words
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I went through that with my daughter. My husband swore up and down she hated him because she would cry when he was holding her. I didn't know what to do so I would just take care of her and that wasn't good because he stopped bonding with her. When I was pregnant with the next I told him if he wanted to be as important as mom in the babies life, he needs to bond with the baby by holding, feeding water, cuddling, rocking to sleep and all the stuff that makes the baby secure. Sounds like your husband is trying to do that. My daughter also hated the deeper voices on men, it wasn't just my husband, but grandfathers, photographers, doctors, any man with a deeper voice that made her cry. Even though they didn't bond early, she became a daddy's girl around the time she got big enough to join in with her older brother and daddy in play. One thing to note though. She had a umbiblical hernia and now what I believe to be a milk allergy but at the time blamed all the throwing up on the hernia, so she cried a lot the first few months. That wore on her dad's nerves also since he hadn't been around babies before. My older son was 6 months old when we met.

Have him bath her, feed her pumped milk, rock her when she isn't upset. Even if he sits in the recliner or lays on the couch and holds her when she is content, letting her head on his chest. The heartbeat will help her be comfortable and help her bond with him. He can't raise his voice to her or anyone, that will scare her from him. Most of all tell him that he needs to be her hero, it isn't about him, it is about her. When she is older, you want him to be her hero to keep her from looking at the wrong type of men. He has to model the kind of man he wants her to choose as a husband.

My granddaughter only wanted Grandma when she was a newborn and was sick or upset. They would try everything then call me and I would go over and she would settle right down. I think that was because I was calm and not so scared. I worried about it hurting my son and daughter in laws feelings, but they were just thankful I was close enough by to help them out since I had been through it all before.

Hi!

I went through somewhat of the same thing when my son was born 22 months ago, but my husband was not as extreme. My husband wanted to be the control hands on dad which is wonderful but when babies are so young they tend to bond with mom more at first. This is what we did. When my husband came home he would pretty much take over with our son and I would fade a little into the background. He would change, bathe and feed him and if our son became upset my husband would confort him if after awhile he had no luck I would step in. After awhile sometimes my son would become conforted with him and sometimes he still needed me. My husband still does this now with our daughter (4 months). Its actually wonderful because he comes home from work and takes over with both kids so I can get dinner ready or just a little me time. My son still prefers to have me confort him and he runs to daddy to play. It was h*** o* him at first but he kept trying he can usually settle both kids down. So tell your husband to be patient and keep trying but your right your daughter knows you more but tell him to be there all the other times and it will all fall into place. Good Luck!! Try not to get fursterated with your husband just remember he could not want anything to do with your daughter, at least he is there trying and wanting to be there.
Just be patient, N. V.
I was the same age with my son and we seem to be in the same boat- dog and all if you have any problems with the dog let me know. We have a dog that deals wonderfully with our 22 month old and now our 4 month old. He deals with food stealing, hair pulling and pony riding with no problems. Good luck with everything.

A., I agree your Husband needs to spend time with your daughter when she is in a Happy Mode. Also the three of you need to all interact and do things together. She needs to see him give you affection and you give him affection. This shows her that the two of you Love one another and she feels safe with both of you. Chidren are so smart, they watch and learn. My Grand Daughter is a Mommys girl as well and It is because her Dad never does anything to help out. Not even change a diaper. It would also help if you are still breast feeding to pump some milk and let Dad feed her as well this is important that he gets to be a part of her feeding. I did this with my last two children and it helped so much.Good Luck and My Blessings to you all.

I am not sure about ppd for dad's but I can relate to your situation. My husband was stationed at another air base while was pregnant with our daughter and didn't see her until she was 5 days old. It was very hard for him to relate to her at first. He is an only child and had little involvement with children until our daughter. I didn't just leave her with him at first he was so nervous to even touch her let alone hold her. I wanted him to experience everything he could so I pumped so he could feed her. I made sure he was comfortable with caring for her all alone before I would run errands. I would recommend sharing the feedings and encourage him visiting with her when she is happy so that if she gets fussy she will feel he can comfort her. I often found my husband holding her close to his heart when she started to fuss and it really seemed to calm her down. We were both in the military until a few years ago and my husband especially traveled a lot. When our daughter was young it was important to make the most of the quiet times and to find ways for them to connect so she didn’t fear him after long trips. I am a firm believer in reading to a child every night and that was a fun way for them to connect. Now my husband and daughter have a great relationship. They really have a lot of common interests and are really like two peas in a pod. It may also be your husband misses your time together too. This is a huge chance and your time is limited. We enjoyed nap-time dates and the quiet time once she fell asleep at night. I hope this helps and congrats on your little one…they grow up too fast!

My daughter was the same way, but fortunately, my husband believed me when I told him it wasn't personal, but perfectly normal. Maybe he needs a Man, one with a great relationship with his kids, who went through the same thing, to talk to him.

That sounds familiar... :)! I've had the same problems with my husband (we just had our first last halloween) and everyone I talk to says that it is completely normal for them to feel that way. Both my husband and my father (according to my mother) have been jealous of the new baby and the attention that it takes away from them and our relationship. Its just an adjustment. I can understand that it would be hard - they aren't really needed for anything yet (except for helping us), they never really take on the main role. Especially if you're breastfeeding, the baby gets everything he needs from you. My mom promised me that its a phase that passes - she said the second time around is much different because then they are really needed. You can't feed a new baby while bathing an older one (at least I couldn't) so Dad really becomes a key player instead of just a supporting role. I'm sorry I don't have any advice to help with the feelings, I just thought it might help both of you to know that they are completely normal. I think first-time dads just don't have the same forum as moms to talk about their feelings about baby, etc... or it would be clear that many men feel that way.

This advice is to your husband. My little girl was calmed only by me and was to breastfed. It does not last for ever. She is 18 months old now and her and her daddy are wrapped around each others pinkies. Everytime daddy walks in the door mommy's chopped liver. The tables will turn and he will be the center of her universe.
Give your husband a break even though its not easy. Try to ignore his behavior. He wants to feel just as important to her as he feels you are. You have already given her so much - a womb to grow in and the food that nourishes her. He wants to be able to give her something too. He probably feels very left out and not very important and maybe that the fact he loves her does not matter. The point is is that he does love her and obviously very much. He is not the only daddy who has felt this way. Eventually it will pass for both of you just don't give up.
In the mean time maybe he would like to try the following suggestions. She will be eating cereal and food soon and her can bond with her that way too. Giving her a bath or changing her is another way to bond.

2 of our 3 kids went through this with me! The worst was our youngest! I agree with other posts, you just need to leave dad and daughter alone more often. They will learn about each other and what works for THEM to calm down, it will not be the same as for you. Your daughter probably has a eating schedule and since you are on maternity leave, have dad work on the bottle with her or leave during some of those wake fun times so he forced to play and interact with her. Just let them be and work out the kinks in their relationship.

On a side note... our oldest ONLY wanted DAD so I have been on the other side too and it HURTS bad!! So don't get down on him, as hard as it is not to. He created this child with you and loves it as much as you do so give him some slack. My husband once told me he was jealous that he couldn't carry children to term because of the instant bond- he feels often left out.

Dear A.,
My husband was the same way...and convincing him definitely didn't seem to work.

Her husband's role in his daughter's life is so powerful, beyond what he may even be expecting. I would suggest you have him read "How to Father a Successful Daughter" so he 1) can get his mind off the disappointment of his infant child needing "mom" right now; and 2) to get him prepared for how intricate his relationship is to his daughter's well-being at the more crucial stages of her life (pre-adolescent and teenager years)

Since he won't be as busy tending the baby right now, have him read the book. I think he will be surprised that within a few months his daughter is going to show signs of pleasure and excitement being around him and hopefully this will give him a new perspective on how he can start preparing his actions, words, and understanding of his daughter's unique qualities to help her grow into the wonderful person you both wish her to become....

good luck
S.