Please Help. Im So Stressed and Don't Know What to Do with Almost 3 Year Old

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have you taken her to the DR.there be something wrong with her hearing,go have her chdched out ,if that is not the case time out will will be bet a special chair for time out's that does seem to help good luck
L. TX

You are not the lone ranger! My sister was that way and my 2nd son is that way as well. I spend most of my day keeping #2 from terrorizing everyone including the dog. He doesn't listen and I spend most of my time saying "No!" Don't feel depressed, you are not alone. My sister finally calmed down with school. She is a #2 by the way. I can see glimpses of the calm boy he will hopefully grow up to be once in a while. (Friday was a good day.) Love them for their tenacity and perserverence, if you don't you will go crazy. I don't have any pearls of wisdom. My Mom said to say what you mean and do what you say you are going to do. I try but I do feel bad at the end of the day when I look back at all the time he was in the corner and I had to watch him. My oldest suffers too. Don't get depressed. This to shall pass. My sister grew into a wonderful woman, still stubborn but confident in herself. You couldn't ask for more.

N., I too have a 3 year old and other children in the home... and I completely feel and understand your struggle. I've cried myself to sleep many nights wondering how I could change things, cause I really just wanted to have Good Loving moments with my child. Even if I had planned fun things for us to bond with... things never happened the right way! First, I had to realize I was not the 'Perfect' Mom. I still need to strive to be that Proverbs 31 woman, but I'm not perfect. 2nd, that strong-will and persistence is actually a God given gift that I need to make sure to not completely push away, but re-direct (with The Lord's help) for my child to use it at the 'right' times. 3rd- At this age, even when we think they DO NOT listen, they are hanging on to more of our words and actions than we think. Something I've had to do is wake up earlier than everyone so that I can have my time with The Lord, and be prepared for the day. Then when my 3 year old is up (or whichever child may be the one to struggle with that week) I pray with her. Keep it simple, but positive: "God help (child) to listen to me today and be good, and help me, God, to be a good mommy so we can have a good day." It may take a few days or more of repeating... but together you are working on it in a positive way, and it's one of your first bonding moments for the day. The Lord answers our prayers and moves in our lives in ways we could've never dreamed. Include Him in everything and He will help you overcome these struggles.
Happy Mother's Day!
with love, from a sister in Christ, T.

I have 3 kids as well. They are a little older, (9, 7 and just erned 4 yesterday!) It seems to me your middle child is feeling that middle child syndrome, and is screaming for the attention she got before the baby came along and being 2, she is just in that stage of toddlerhood where she thinks the world revolves around her. Also people don't develop empathy for others fully on their own, it has to be taught to them and 2 & 3 is the time they have to be taught or they'll never fully learn it. Try telling (very calmly and not in front of the other 2 children, I know it's hard when your upset :)) her how it makes you feel when she acts up. i.e. "when you scream very loudly like that it hurts my ears and I it's hard for me to make you dinner." This will teacher her how her actions affect others. Also maybe you could try to involver her a little in the things you need to do like preparing for dinner or changing the baby like by telling her what you need to get done and asking her to help., i.e. "I need to change so-in-so now, would you like to help me? If she says yes, act excited and then tell her how she can help (like get the wipes and/or diaper for you). She'll feel useful and important and learn empathy too.
Hope this helps,
A.

Hi N.,

I'm a Speech Pathologist in Midland. I don't think it is normal for your 3 year old to not to "listen" to you. Most 3 years olds want to really please their parents! A speech pathologist can assess her listenting/auditory processing skills and rule out disorders such as autism. Check in your area for private therapists or contact the school district and request an early childhood evaluation. The Air Force may also have some one too. Just make sure they are skilled in early development and childhood issues! I hope this helps! Please don't wait to see if she outgrows this. The earlier help the better for her and you! L.

N.,
Someone told me once that it's called the terrible twos & the troublesome threes! They were so right. Wait til you get to the frustrating 4's ;-)(that's where I'm at now). You're going through what almost every mother goes through who has a toddler. You aren't alone, trust me! But, I do know what you mean there are days you want to just pull your hair out & you're sure you are the worst mother in the world. You're NOT!! Keep your chin up.

I also have a daughter that age. What I do with her is give her 1 minute to respond, before I do or say anything else. I then will count to 3. If that does not work she gets a choice, between what she wants and what I know she does not want. If it is a problem with a toy, the toy goes into time out. If she is refusing to get up and go somewhere and she does not respond to the above things, I pick her up and take her with me. She does not like that, so she usually will come along.
Make sure she is paying attention to you when you ask her to do things. Make sure you are facing her and she is looking at you. Some kids need choices. Some are more complaint than others. Some have trouble breaking their concentration off of what they are doing. Some take a minute to process verbal information. It does not mean that the child is not smart. I have three kids. All of mine are different.
Hang in there.

I also have a 3 yr old daughter. With her I have found that it is all in the daily schedule. I was also at my whit's end about 2months ago. I ended up breaking her lunck up into 2 snacks and that solved her problem. She now grazes throughout the day instead of eating a whole meal at all, but, that works for her and I don't have to stress about her behavior anymore. Now she still has the occational butterfly moments. You know the type, when they just sort of flutter around with little regard to the world around them. This is pretty much the extent of her listening problems now.
I would look at your daily schedule and her diet. For instance, my daughter reacts to natural sugars. A banana will littereally send her into a manic moment, followed by a horrible crash.
Are you with her all day? I know it was very difficult for me to leave work and be at home all day every day. I had to find ways to cope with this myself.

Dear N.--I don't know if you are a praying person, but prayer definitely helps in situations like this. I used to babysit my very difficult grandson on a regular basis, and he would lash out at me and say very hurtful things (and he was only 3 and the time!). I had to remember several things: First: He is a baby--I am an adult. How I respond to him should be based on my years of experience, not his lack of experience. Every day before he came to my house, I would ask the Lord to make me the kind of grandmother than my grandson needed that day. Without fail, I would have more patience where I needed it and would be able to be firm when the situation called for it. I would discipline him in love, not in anger or frustration--and he seemed to KNOW that. Sometimes I still babysit, although now it's not just him, it's his sister, too. (They are 3 and almost 5 years old.) The difficult days are behind us, but I still pray that I would be what they need me to be.

I hope you find some comfort in my suggestion. After all, God is the source of all wisdom and love.

Have you had her hearing checked? I went through almost the same thing with my son. I wouldn't ever listen to me until I raised my voice and got upset. Then one day it dawned on me - he COULDN'T hear me! Yes, sometimes it was selective hearing because that is what 3-year-olds do. But this was more than that. After 3 doctors and a year of convincing them that he couldn't hear (the fluid would build & release and build & release, so it was only sometimes that he couldn't hear), we put tubes in his ears and he has been pleasant ever since.
Wouldn't hurt to check!
A.

N.,

I don't have any girls but two of my three boys were just like your oldest daughter. They are trying to be independent and show they are big little kids. It is almost like the terrible "2s" but a little worse (almost like a teenager). She is just testing you to see what she can and can't get away with. Plus, the fact there are two others, she is trying to compete for attention. My oldest did the same thing once our youngest was born. It DOES GET BETTER; I promise. She is listening to you even though it does not seem like it. If your husband is home or if you can get some family help, try taking her to the store with you (even if it is the grocery store). This way you are spending time with her alone. I have to do this with my two oldest ones (9 and 4 1/2) and it works. They get to spend time alone with me and tell me about their day separately.

Hang in there. It will get better I promise.

L.

I've got the perfect chart for children and how they make mommys feel.

going insane- 3's
impossible -4's
what to do -5's
oh my gosh -6's
getting better 7's

Things will get better. day by day your babies are changing. Keep doing your best. Take alittle time for yourself. If needed ask a friend that lives close to you to watch your kiddo's so you can have a worry free time and go watch a movie or go to a spa for alittle pampering of your own. Everything will come together one day it just might be later instead of sooner.

Hi N.,

I'm happy to say my once strong willed 3 year-old is now 9 and while he is still very difficult at times...it is much less! I thought I would never survive it though when it was happening, plus I had a baby who is now 6! It did improve when he started school. Now he is a straight A student, model child(at school), great manners(for everyone else!) You get the idea. He is much more enjoyable now. But I do remember going to bed in tears some days because it was such a bad day! Then I always felt guilty for my younger son, because he had to put up w/it too. I have learned a few things over the years though. Mostly how to react or not to react to him. He is a button pusher for sure and knows how to get a rise out of me. I just choose not to play the games with him anymore and he gets that. So hang in there! Don't let your daughter wear you down...that's exactly what she wants to do!

You might want to check out Raising Your Spirited Child. But, I think is is completely normal 3 year old behavior. She is at a point where she is defining limits and testing boundaries.

I also have to remember with my 3 year old, that although he is very verbal, he is not always logical. He is still very much 3. I think the more verbal children become, the harder it is to expect age appropriate behavior.

We help our children listen. If I ask my 3 year old to pick up toys and he says no, I ask if he can do it all by himself or if he needs help. If he still isn't picking up the toys, I go and help him. Help in our house is not a bad thing, it is just help. He can't always provide internal boundaries, so I help him with that.

Provide her with lots of choices, even little ones (ice or no ice, pink cup or blue, sandwich in triangles or squares) to give her appropriate control of her life. Love and Logic is a great starter for providing choices, just keep in mind that your 3 year old is not logical.

We also set very clear expectation with our children. They can not know how to act if they are not told what is expected of them.

We pick important battles in our house. Hitting is an important battle, missing a meal is not. Safety is, wearing mis matched clothes is not.

We try to take the time to listen to our children. If I don't have a good reason to say no, I don't (sure, play dough is messy, but if they want to do it, we do). Lots of outside to burn energy also helps a lot.

N.,
I can relate...it's so stressful! I have three close in age little ones, too. In trying to get small children to listen (actually older ones too) we moms sometimes need to turn it around and do more listening to our children. It may seem like that would take too long, and you can't do it over safety issues (listen means listen over not going out in the street, etc.) but how time consuming are the tantrums and negotiations? Much better to try to draw out what the child is feeling and let them feel that way without judgement, and give them ideas about how to manage the behavior in a way that is okay. A child who is assured that it's okay to be angry or frustrated, but not okay to hit (or whatever) will work through her feelings, eventually on her own, and get back to a peaceable mood. You need to keep your cool when she freaks out. Let her know she seems angry, mad, whatever, but give her feelings a name she can learn to relate to, and give her ways to work through it that you can accept. Hit a pillow, take a deep breathing time, throw water balloons, etc. Be with her, because she's so little, but let her work through this fussing. Life is so hard for siblings...I know the big emotional stuff my kids rage over is probably often about jealousy and not quite knowing how to deal with it or how they really feel about it.
If we can accept our children's ugly behaviors with love and gentle guidance, the loving, good times will be easy! And when kids feel like they are listened to they may eventually feel the need to scream less. I know I do! Think of this line "children get their say, but not always their way."

I have a son that is almost the same age(turned 3 on the 4th of this month) and I think that it is part of exploring their boundaries to test you at every turn! Every child takes alot of attention and it sounds like there's just not enough of you to go around. Do you have any friends or family that could help lighten the load? I think that could make a huge difference.Also you could try a play group where the toddler could be engaged with other kids and you could get a break that way. If you don't have to work , you could try taking the kids camping or even rent a cabin in the woods. The kids will all be so into it they will give you a break that way.

Basically you just need a break and some help. Don't feel guilty about that, and don't be afraid to get creative about making that happen; you deserve it!
BLESS-Angela

Good Morning N.;

You have a child that has "Middle Child" syndrome, plus
being the only girl!
Children that are in the Middle of two other children will
do things for attention because of insecurity. They do not
know that is what they are doing, but, none the less, they
do it.
Since your husband is in the AirForce you didn't say if you've
moved to a new base since she was old enough to know you had
moved, this also can cause insecurity. Children of service
people usually do not start to adapt to military moves until
they are about 6 or 7, from their minds they sometimes feel
these moves are a danger to them, that they may be left behind!
Since now you have a one year old, the girl probably never has
any time>>just you and her, so she acts up to get you attention away from the one year old.
One important thing is be sure and NOT reward bad behavior!
Don't give in to unreasonable demands, just to have peace!
Reward GOOD behavior! Hugs and praises for Good Behavior!
When possible, and I know this is the hard part, try to find
time to spend just with her and when you do, make sure you
make it fun>>take her to the park or for exploring walks
with no little brother around! I know you can only do this
when your husband is home to be with the two boys so it
really narrows down the amount of times you can do this,but,
when you do make it special.
Her behavior is not unusual, so look at it as normal and do
not be stressed because of it!
Best Wishes
B. C

I think it would be REALLY worth your while to read "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. My almost-3-year-old son is not big on listening, either, & I'm finding this book to be very helpful. There's also a series of books I've heard good things about; you'd want "Your Three-Year-Old" or "Your Two-Year-Old." Hang in there, & take care of yourself - it'll only be harder to handle if you're depressed. Talk to someone, get out, take a bath - remember the airline pre-flight talk - if the cabin loses pressure, put your own mask on before assisting those around you - even kids.
Best,
K.

When my oldest daughter was almost three, I became very frustrated with her. She was jealous of her newborn sister. It lasted for about a year, but I prayed for more patience. I didn't want to model the very behavior I was trying to deter, so I used incentives as much as possible. Still to this day, she is very bright and gets bored easily. I find that we all have happier days when we have at least one outing a day--to the park, grocery store, indoor play system, and mommy and me class (My Gym has sibling classes), a dance class, etc.). Your daughter sounds like she may just be bored and is acting out for attention. Be patience, pray and this too shall pass. Good Luck!

I know how you feel my daughter turned 3 April 24th and I have a daughter 6 years old and a son 1 year old. I don't have much advice but they do calm down a little as the get older. I thought maybe she would calm down if I put her in day care with kids her age but I can't afford it you may want to try that. Most middle kids require a lot of attention for some reason. My husband is also military but he is army reserve and when he goes on active duty she seems to get worse. When I'm on the phone she talks loud so I can't hear and my friends and family will tell me they'll call back. Well if you want to talk to someone or compare notes you can contact me.

Hi, I have children about your childrens ages and we just left the military life about 2 months ago(my husband was Navy for almost 10 years). My son who is 3 is my most difficult child. I enjoy him very much when my oldest is at school, but when she comes home, it is all downhill. Tantrums, yelling, crying. I seperate them and then they miss eachother. Keep your voice calm when you are talking to them and that usually helps me with them. It is so hard writing about stuff like this, but if you are in the Katy area and looking for a playgroup, I have been in the process of putting 1 together. Feel free to email me!! M.

I am having the same problem and mine is an only child. Not only does she not listen, she is mean! Her words hurt me more than her hitting. She has hit since she was 2. Putting her in "time out" or the "naughty chair" works on occassion, however she contiunes to act the way she does.

We too have days where she is the great, loving, and well-behaved daughter but those days are far and few between. Since I don't have other kids, I don't know what that is like.

Hang in there and keep after it! She is probably wanting your attention so any kind she can get (be it good or bad) she'll do whatever it takes. Know that your the parent and what you say goes. Be strong and keep me posted on her progress!

Yes, it is normal. She is a three year old. They act this way. She has already figured out what she can do to upset you. Three year old children like to drive their mothers crazy. She may have ADD, but more than likely it is just normal. She also is the middle child. Middle children do this because they think the other two are getting more.
Try to find time for yourself or you will become totally depressed. You will survive, so hang in there.

My son was extremely difficult right after he turned 3. It passed fairly quickly. Also, try making a little individual time for her. I try to spend one on one time with him every day, even if it's just 15 or 20 minutes. I have an 11 month old too, so I know that can be hard sometimes. I also had to move his bedtime up a little bit at that age. He seemed to need a little more sleep. Just know you are not alone!

N.,
I've got the same issues. I have a three year old boy who is a challenge all day. I feel like the worst mommy...i'm always saying no, I'm always threatening him with taking away his special things...it's all day! Yelling doesnt work,spanking doesnt work, time outs help a little. It is a constant negotiation...I'm having to think all the time 'what can i do to get him to do this'. Luckily those other replies kind of helped as well ...it's a phase as they grow older. The diversion tactic also works...I'm also thinking about getting a little visual board that I can put up there for when he does good things(focusing on the positive) and tell him he'll get a specail treat when there are so many 'positives'...
Good luck...you are a great mommy because you're seeking help and trying to do something about it.

Hi,

i went thru the same thing with my daughter when she was 3. the only thing that worked for me was a prayer i prayed. it went something like "God, you have to change me or her and give me a little more patience with her because i don't like her right now and it will mess up my future relationship with her if something doesn't change." i'm not sure who changed and i didn't care but all a know is after a few days things were soooo much better. i love my kids (i have 3) but she was by far the hardest to get along with. we are not bad mothers for having moments of stress. in fact, it goes to show just how much you DO love your daughter by wanting to find a solution to fix your relationship with her. (yes relationship because this is causing a small rift) i did find out 5 years later that my daughter has a low level or ADD. it's low enough not to fix with medication but high enough to still cause a few problems. it will get better just ask God to help both of you. Good Luck

I have children the same ages as yours (5,4,3, 13 months.) I think NONE of my girls listen to me! I've been SCREAMING at them to follow basic commands (I'll say no, stop, don't do that. STOP. STTTOOPPP!!!!! and it takes that final screaming at the top of my lungs to get their attention.

Some of it is her age- three year olds are all about becoming independent. This is a great thing because it will free you up a bit more to tent to the baby. Maybe you can find big girl projects for her to do, like clearing the table and washing it, cleaning the windows, ect.

Blessings,
S.

Dear N.,
I totally feel your pain and stress! I have been where you are and for extended periods of time - like years. Things were so bad at our house that I considered running away. The good news is that you don't have to spend years, like me, trying to fix the situation. Instead, you can take action, right now.

Have you ever seen the show the Dog Whisperer? Cesar Millan talks about the dog's owner needing to be the leader of the pack. After seeing the show I realized that I was not the leader of my pack (of kids). I recognized this when I noticed that I was wishy-washy about house rules and the consequences for breaking them. So we had a family meeting to rebuild the list of rules and discuss consequences. That way everyone was aware of what was going on. This meeting was just the start of something good. After that it would be up to me to follow through and deliver the appropriate consequence without getting emotional about it.

Additionally, I purchased a book called, Transforming the Difficult Child, The Nurtured Heart Approach by Howard Glasser. Here is the webaddress for the author and book http://difficultchild.com/

This book gave us numerous techniques to use to encourage and reinforce the postive behavior we wanted from our children. It has made a signifcant difference in our lives. I encourage you to check it out.

Last, but not least, please remember that your children's behavior is not your fault! Your daughter is making choices based on what she thinks she needs. I'm sure that you are meeting all of her basic needs and so what she is looking for is probably a different kind of attention than she has been getting. Unfortunately, she has been triggering negative attention instead of something more positive.

I can't encourage you enough to purchase the book and use it. About ten days after we implemented the techniques we started seeing incredible results.

If I can provide further suggestions, please feel free to contact me at ____@____.com luck, C.

About me: A working mom who owns her own management consulting business. Married for 20 years, two children 10 and 7.

Hello N.. I think pretty much all mothers have gone through times with their children where you just felt like you couldn't take it anymore. What's more, with your husband away you probably feel like you are on your own. It does make things more difficult for you but not impossible. I believe she is going through a testing stage and you have to make sure she understands (however you have to do it) that you are in charge, not her. She needs that security especially with Daddy gone right now. I would suggest that you first of all pray and ask God to give you wisdom on what to do and how to discipline her. Whatever discipline you use make sure you stick with it. In other words if you put her in time out for 3 minutes make sure she sits out the full 3 minutes. If she gets up you might add another minute or something like that. Don't give in when she cries or even tries to sweet talk her way out. That only puts her back in control. I know it isn't easy and may sometimes make you feel a little guilty but it is the best thing for everyone and it will yield positive results. One last thing, I don't know if she understands where Daddy is right now but she might need some reassurance about that. I'm sure you are probably doing this already but make sure you pray for your husband with your children daily. Believe me there are a lot of people out there praying for all of our troops as well as their families. We appreciate all of you so very much! God bless!