Physical Misbehavior

My 3 1/2 year old responds well to being redirected - he challenges me daily with how to GET his cooperation. I tend to be more dictatorial and tell him after an incident what NOT to do. I read that 3 yr old brains don't understand the negative direction like "not" and "don't". SO I come up with ways of what I WANT him to do instead of what to stop. I've recently begun to appeal to his "big boy" self. And before we go into settings like play areas with other kids I tell him that "Big boys" help smaller children and they act like big brothers and help little kids. And I tell him what helping is: sharing toys, helping them walk if they are little and need a hand, being kind, letting little kids go 1st,, if they get cross at you and push - you walk away, etc. He LOVES this whole "big boy" thing and it really clicks and is bringing out a much gentler child. Maybe that will work for you. Blessings, S.

Perhaps you could try this: The next time he pushes someone, push him. Then firmly but kindly explain to him that this is how it feels to be pushed and it very unkind. You are not allowed to hurt people in this way. Get your husband to help you on this. A man's voice has more authority than mom's voice. AF

Hi S.,

One on One time is extremely important to every child. If they don't get enough they act out. I have a 2 and 4 year old and my 4 year old is autistic which always makes things more interesting. Try spending a little extra time with him and see what happens.
Have fun and God Bless.

You are on target with not tolerating aggressive behavior from your son. Each time he pushes, a time-out is warranted. For time-out to work it ought to be implemented consistently, meaning anytime the behavior occurs, the time-out is put in place the same way. Basically, he ought to be redirected to an isolated spot where he must remain for three minutes. The general rule of thumb for how long time-out lasts is one minute per year of the child's age. There should be no talking or interactions during the time-out at all. When the time-out is completed, you then review with him how come he was put there and what he needs to do next time to avoid the time-out and reinforce with the use of words that pushing is not allowed or he will be put in time-out. It would be important for you to avoid using any type of aggressive forms of discipline yourself, as children model behavior quite well. If he's having trouble with pushing, then pushing him back and/or spanking him would be counter productive cause all you're really doing is reinforcing the aggressive behavior. It's important for you to teach him alternative ways to manage his frustration and/or express his needs and not utilizing pushing or any other form of aggressive behavior in attempt for him to get his point across.

it sounds like he is jellous

i would keep discaplinning him, but have you tried to build in some older child and me time.

i would tart this a little bit every day. tell him that the more you are nice to your bro the better you can make the you and me time.

basically the same as the better behaived you are the better places we can go!

some times even a little push back dosent hurt just to show him how it feels.

I have two daughters and I must have said "gentle" about a million times. Kids listen but they need constant reminders in the early years. We also strongly encouraged them to look out for each other. What I found is that until they're 4 or 5 you have to stay close. Have you noticed any patterns? Can you see your older son starting to get mad? I tried to be ready to physically block any aggressive behavior. Also, 2-year-olds understand a lot. You could try to have a simple conversation, at a calm time, about how sad you are when he hurts his brother and why good behavior is important. It's counterintuitive but bad behavior usually means they want more attention from you. I agree with what other moms said about how some alone time can make all the difference.

I suspect that the pushing started when the younger boy started walking - and getting into the older child's "space."

Give the older boy some one-on-one time, both with Mommy and with Daddy. Don't expect him to share ALL of his stuff. If he has his own room let him decide when/whether to invite the younger child in.

S.,

I, too, experienced the same type of behaviour with my two daughters (14 months apart) at about the same age. I simply gave sympathy and care to the little one when she was hurt, and I encouraged the older one to come and help me give sympathy to the younger one. Once the older realizes that being pushed can hurt, he is less likely to participate in such activity. Anytime either of the child cry try to encourage the other to show sympathy with you toward the child that is in pain.

You need to separate them and not let the older child play with the younger one for a while. Time out isn't long enough to make an impact on this type of thing. Than when you get them back together you need to watch them closely and if you see it happening you need to separate them for like 20min. Long enough for the older one to miss playing with the younger one. That makes you point way better than time our or talking to them at this age. As they say Actions speak louder than words and that is very much the case at this age. You can say all you want but at this age it isn't completely understood. good luck