Ph.D's And Stay-at-home First Time Mothers

taking care of a baby is much harder isnt it ?!

I worked as a podiatrist up unitl 3 years ago full time - for 12 years, then i had my daughter, so for now i stay home.

it was hard in the beginning - the boredom got to me. i joined a MOPS group, where the are a lot of like minded people, there is free childcare, i would recommend that, I sell stuff on ebay to give me a bit of extra cash, we go to the park - of course your is too young for that yet.

i also strated to do quilting, and woodworking, i just finished making a chicken coop, and my husband tilled up a huge garden for me, we are going to try and live a little more sustainably, you could use your brains for things like that!

but to answer your Q, the shift was REALLY hard, and i fought against it for a while, thinking mothering was beneath me and i should be working, but now i am at peace - it is such a short time b4 they go to school and you can again take your place in the rat race lol

Oh my gosh! I could probably have written this question. My husband finished his PhD and found a tenured job (we're so thankful), but it meant all us of moving cross country away from friends and family (although our families were never close by, they were about 8 hrs from where we were in grad school). So, I'm living in NY state, finish my PhD dissertation (with a spring defense!) with a 2 year old and only 5 hrs preschool a week. I guess I don't have a lot of advice, but I will say, that I breastfed for the first year and the first 6 months were rough--I adore my son, but I just wanted 2 hours out of the house by myself. Personally, I'm still trying to figure it out myself. My husband is home a lot so we get lots of family time, but I really miss my time on campus; working with students, getting coffee with friends, being in academia. I joined a mom's group and it's fun, we have a book club, but sometimes I feel a little awkward--I can't really explain it--because honestly, most of my life I have been defined as a student/academic--not a mom and while my son is the light of my life and we have a really fun time together (the older they get, the easier it gets), I'm still not sure (2 1/2 years later) how I'm fitting into the "role" of mom. I've applied for one job this year and have a job talk tomorrow so we'll see what happens. I found the book Mama PhD so helpful--there are great stories in there from every perspective, including lots from women who said screw it to academia. I would read that book! It's so funny, I've wanted to post a question like this myself, but I thought, I'm in such a weird position no one could possibly relate!

Although not the same situation my daughter was born 3 months after I completed my Masters Degree. I chose not to find a new job (was only working part time during my schooling) and to stay home with our daughter. It is definitely a shift and a struggle. Right now I feel like it was a waste getting my Masters (although mentally I know I will use it in the future). I struggle a lot with the lack of adult conversation and interaction. I love being with my daughter, but I am finding more and more that I am not really a "housewife" and I would love to be working, but with another baby on the way it looks like I will be home a little longer. My daughter also refused bottles so I felt very stuck for those first 6 months or so until I could leave her for longer periods.
What I have done is join a moms group (actually 2 of them), I also have tried to find some online communities where I can have somewhat intelligent discussions about things other than babies, I try to make sure I have good thought provoking books on hand (not novels), and I try to have grown up conversations with my husband. My husband is good at making sure that I get time to myself to think and such. Usually once a week I will go to Starbucks (or some place like it) with a book and a journal and just get a break for several hours (this will be easier for you to do as your baby gets older).
I hope this has helped you out, it is definitely a difficult transition.

It's all about building a whole new life for yourself, complete with new friends and new activities to fill up your day. Find some mom's in the mother's group to go out to lunch with once a week, start a playgroup (even though the baby's can't interact with each other yet, you get to enjoy the company of others), write a newsletter for the mother's group, join a book club for adult interaction, start an investment club (a friend's in one), join a local gym with babysitting, baby swimming lessons, mommy & me music or yoga classes, take up photography & maybe scrapbooking with all those cube baby pictures.

There are all sorts of things you can find to do. It's not easy, though, esp. at first and in the winter. Some days seem like they'll never end (and it's not even 10am yet), yet looking back, the years fly by, esp. once they start school. My best advice is to put a positive spin on everything (fake it till you make it!) and realize that you're fortunate to be able to stay home with your precious baby. You are doing the utmost important job in the world and will be so happy that you were there for all sorts of adorable moments that you would have otherwised missed had you been back at work. Good luck and give that baby a little snuggle from me. You'll make it!

I have two sons (6 and 10) and am a tenured professor at a community college. I had my first son just as I achieved tenure. While I was able to work part time for one semester, we could not afford for me to not work. (My mom helped with childcare and I also taught online as a way to make things manageable when he was a baby. He went to childcare on campus when he was a toddler.) I did not have the option to be a full time stay at home mom because I would have had to leave a tenured position....and in my field the competition is insane. It would have been highly unlikely for me to get another full time job. The first few years were very, very tough. I felt guilty, but my mom helped a lot when she told me that I was too smart and had worked too hard to completely give up my academic identity.

I also felt compelled to keep working because when I was 2 my father died and we struggled a great deal financially because my mom was not able to support us. I never wanted to put my children in that position if something were to happen to my husband. Now that my children are older, I am reaping the benefits of the insane, sleepless years of being a working mom with two kids. My boys are in school. I have a great work schedule that allows me to be with them when they are home and that will continue into the all important teenage years. BUT...I still have to adjust to the shift in the summer, when I really do go into full time stay at home mom....canning and beach trips and gardening with the boys...all the things we love to do together but that I cannot fit in while the semester is on.

I am also fulfilled intellectually and I know this helps my marriage. To be honest there are two options in academia: 1. opt out while your children are young and try to stay current so that you can be competitive when they are a bit older (part time research and teaching are a great balance for this time.) 2. Go for it full steam ahead while they are young and accept the sleep-deprivation, guilt and compromises that would come from achieving your career goals at this time in their lives. Neither is perfect; you need to decide what works for you and your family. I realize this isn't exactly the question you asked....it is just that I sure wish I had had some one to tell me this ten years ago when I was living it.

It is such a BIG change going from a professional career to SAHM. I "only" have a Masters, but my hubby tells me I'm too smart to just stay home with the kids all day--meaning I need more brain stimulation to be happy. Taking care of the baby is hard work in the sense that it's time consuming, but it does not tackle your higher-level thinking skills like you are used to. I have gone through many bouts of crying and trying to find the balance between mothering and working. I feel lucky to have a 10-12 hr/week job, but trying to do it all is hard too. Personally, I found that when my babies hit 10-11 months, parenting became more fulfilling b/c baby is interacting with you more--you can see that baby is understanding and communicating with your language use. Around 10 months the nursing slowed to only 3/day, so that helped me with the personal freedom issue (it also helped that I started her on a bottle for mid-day too)!

I still struggle with your Q and my babies are 1 and 2 now. I figure life is all about change and being able to accept and adapt to the next phase. You say, "try to fill up my day with meaningful things" and I infer that you don't feel like what you are doing is meaningful enough...(maybe I misread your insinuation, but) I felt the same way. I felt like I needed a list age and developmentally appropriate activities to do to stimulate baby/child so I would feel like I accomplished something each day. (This was moreso at 12-18 months) I looked for books, but never ended up buying one... I wondered if that would take away from the creative free-flow thinking a child is born with. I guess my take-away lesson is that life is full of unknowns, challenges, and changes... I think the best suggestion I have is to figure out a way to incorporate your knowledge/skills in your daily/weekly routine to find happiness. (I know, harder said than done.)

Good luck. I LOVE your last sentence..."using my heart", that made me feel good.

R.,
I didn't finish my PhD. I never regretted it either. That was 18 years ago and I ended up starting a home-based business for lots of reasons. It helped to give me outside stimulation.
Victoria

Hi, I am not a PhD but I have a Masters of Science degree in Electrical Engineering. I understand your dilemma. Fortunately, when my children were babies (like yours, 100% breast fed), we had enough income from my husband's job so I could take 4 1/2 months and 6 months off, respectively, to be home with the kids. My job had on-site day care, so I achieved the balance I was looking for. I wish I could say that during my time off I loved being a homemaker, but the reality is it actually helped me realize it is not for me.

My job changed to the point where balance could no longer be achieved, so I made the hard choice to get out of the corporate world. My experience being home when my kids were babies helped me realize I had to have something more than just taking care of the house and kids (I am not trying to diminish the importance of this... I just knew it was not for me). I ended up starting my own business from home.

I am mentioning this because once you are past the baby stage and your child becomes much more independent, you may realize you will need to add something to your life for brain stimulation. The internet opens up so many opportunities for working from home; you may even find something related to the field of your PhD.

Most of all, it is important for you to be happy. May I quote Dr. Phil? "When Mom isn't happy, nobody is happy." Food for thought...

I took 6 months off after having my last child - am now back at work as a professor full time. The 6 months off were a very interesting experience. I definitely felt my brain was "mushy" - even when I tried to work I didn't feel very productive, but I did set myself a goal of writing for a couple hours per week partly to get something done and partly to keep my brain awake. On the other hand, this was my second child - I went back after 12 weeks with my first and I thought that really stunk and I decided that I was NEVER going to do it again, which is why I took so much time off with #2. I also exclusively brestfed, though we did have my kids take a bottle of pumped milk once a week for my own sanity (it's good to know you "can" get out, even if you don't very often).

I guess my main piece of advice would be that even though you feel your brain is mushy, it's more a function of having just had a baby than being at home. I know, because my brain was mushy for a good year after having each of my children, regardless of whether I was working or home. It's a combination of sleep deprivation and motherhood hormones. It is tough with no family around to ehlp. Do you have plans to go back at some point? Very honestly, I would *LOVE* to work about 50% time - so if you are mostly interested in teaching for example, doing one or two classes as in instructor gig, and then being at home for the remaining time, would be really really nice, IMHO. Best of luck.

I don't have a Ph.D, but it was still a big adjustment going from working full-time to being a SAHM. I too planned on going back to work at 4 months, but it only worked out a short time and I ended up leaving my job. Two things I wanted to say....first, my son wouldn't take a bottle either until the first day I left him with the sitter and then he took it with no problem! (I only worked a few minutes away so I figured she could call me if he wouldn't take it) Second, while it was a big adjustment I am SO glad now that I had that time at home with my son. I ended up having to go back to work when he was four years old (due to getting a divorce) and leaving him was the hardest thing I had ever done. Fortunately I was able to find amazing sitters and only worked part-time. The time you spend with her now is irreplaceable and will go SO fast! My son is now in high school and ranked #1 in his class and I feel that one-on-one time we spent together those first 4 years played a big part in that. Enjoy these moments together before you're looking at a young woman and wondering where the time went!

I have an baby and would have to say, I never expected to stay at home with my child. Wrong or not, I was originally of the mindset "nanny or no-way". Well, lets just say life has changed my path and my view. My child is amazing and the changes she goes through every day are too good to miss. This doesn't mean I don't go mad a bit. I am too in a town away from family and friends. I joined a music class and have a babysitter come twice a week so I can have some me time. You are lucky your husband is home as mine is at work non-stop. I am trying to study for the GRE and stay alert by playing on e-trade and keeping up with the trades in my profession. I do miss people, the energy you get from accomplishing something and the benefits of really feeling productive but then she smiles and I am ok again.

it is hard sometimes.. maybe you can find a job where you can use the computer at home... maybe it will be part time and taking care of the baby too... it's great to be at home.. babies grow so fast.. think of the baby at newborn.. and how much he or she has changed.. just think at 1.. they are walking... and doing all sorts of things.. the first year is awesome to be home and see all the changes ... i work part time.. and am able to bring my kids with me if need be.. so it's a perfect set up. i was a professional but wanted to be with the kids too.. so now i work doing billing for a landscaper.. it gives me the flexibility to be home when i want and to work a little too. i work about 20 hours a week and cherish the time with the kids too.. plus i see who there friends are... i drive them all places.. my kids are now 11 and 13.. and I'm glad i've been around for them all this time.. maybe as my son gets to be about 15.. i will look for a full time job.. but as of right now.. i go on class trips, i am a room mom for the the classes in school... i am on the pta... but most important i know where my kids are and who they are with... and i was home for the first smile, the first tooth, the first steps and the first words... i'm glad i have those memories.... good luck.. cherish everyday.. the time really does go by fast...