First Time mother...feeling Ambivalent

Not trying to be sarcastic, but seriously, every mother on the planet feels that way. You work, you feel guilty. You stay at home, you feel overwhelmed and like you have no break or time for yourself. It gets better as they get older but once you have a child, they become your life. I think it may be a little harder for people who are a little older when they have their kids because you are so used to your life centering on yourself. There is definitely a little bit of a grieving period over the loss of "your" life. But motherhood teaches you selflessness and grace and a multitude of other things. And eventually the little one who was your sun and moon will grow older and more independent and then you get a little more you time year after year.

I completely understand. Being a SAHM after living the life of the mind can be a bit weird. What helped me was to sign us up for some fun classes (music together is great!) and join a meet-up. To satisfy my intellectual cravings, I read parenting books and non-fiction.

I left academia willingly, and I don't miss it much (though I will always miss teaching), so my situation may be different but I am loving my life. I have great fun with my toddler, and, now, with my 6 week old, I am finding having a baby to be wonderful --they are just so sweet.

You will feel differently once you start to get more sleep and if you start doing something for yourself. If you don't, then you could always go back to work.

How old is your daughter? I can still distinctly remember a day when my son was about 6 weeks old thinking, "This is so not what I thought it would be." For me it got better as he got older, was more interactive and we were able to do more things. Have you thought about joining/starting some sort of play group. That was definately a savior for me. Edward Hospital has a great group called Cradle Talk for mom's and babies under 6 months. Or if she is a little older maybe a music class. I work 8-12 hours a week and for me it is a good balance. I think it makes me a better mother. There is also nothing wrong with hiring a sitter for a few hours a week. I think in this day and age we beat ourselves up about having to do it all. There are some funny books out there that helped me put in all into perspective. A few that I enjoyed are:

*Momfidence: An Oreo Cookie Never Killed Anyone and Other Secrets of Happy Parenting by Paula Spencer

*I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids: Reinventing Modern Motherhood and Dirty Little Secrets From Otherwise Perfect Moms by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile

*Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay and Other Things I had to Learn as a New Mother by Stephanie Wilder-Taylor

Hope that helps and you are definately not the only one who has felt this way!

Julie

R. please please contact a mental health professional as soon as possible. (((hugs)))

As a first time mom I can definitely relate wo what you are feeling. It is a thankless job, it is a tedious job which never seems to end. The lack of sleep coupled with the frustration makes for some crazy days. I felt guilty in saying I needed more stimulation than what a baby offered but it was the truth. I am a person who cherished my "alone time" prior to my daughter arriving. Once she came I lost that. So once dinner was done and we put her to bed I would go to the gym, curl up on the couch and read, or whatever helped me to relax. This helped me to retain som of "myself" which can get lost under the role of MOM. Our children are our full time job but you do need to take some time for your self. If you don't, resentment may begin to build. The resentment may be expressed towards your husband or even your baby. Babies sense tension. A happy healthy parent makes for a happy healthy baby. Try getting a sitter so you have some alone time. If that still does not work, try returning to work. Some women are better moms when they work.

I can tell you though, they get funner as they get older. My daughter is almost a year and a half and is so curious and into everything. She wants to learn as much as she can.

Don't feel guilty, what you are feeling is normal.

R.,
I am also a new mom and just recently my husband and I have disscussed the whooe we "feel bored" subject. I think it is normal to feel that way because your life has changed and you can go back...you can't just say okay...I want some more me time can you take her back and then give her to me when I am ready...I feel the same way...I feel gulity thinking about the whole "I wish my life wasn't so burdened" See I go to sleep and wake up about 4 times a night then wake up for the hubby going to PT at 4:30am and then the baby wakes up and I feed him then he wakes up for good fighting sleep then my hubby comes home and then we go to bed and that is our routine...and to me it is getting boring. I am not depressed but just want to get out and maybe go to a bar with some other married couples and have one drink...but then I think...I don't want to leave my little man it is hard but from what I hear it will get better...and if you feel you need that job or sitter then do it. If it helps to keep you sane then do it!! Oh and congradz on the Ph.D!!

Hello!
I totally understand what you are saying and agree with Leann. Babies sense tension and happy parents mean a happy baby. I think getting a sitter is a great way to have some you time. you and baby need to miss one another that's who you appreciate the time you are given.
You went from one world to another - it's a lot to take in and get used to. I remember feeling like my brain went to mush so do what you need to do to exercise your brain.
I bought a book that told me month by month what the newborn/baby is learning and what games I could play to support those skills. That helped because I was able to set goals again.
I also took advantage of the events around me. We went to the Shedd Aquarium, zoo, etc. Maybe he didn't care but it got us out of the house and connecting with other moms/families.
We also read books that I wanted to read but I read them aloud to my baby. That way he can hear my voice or think I'm talking to him and I could get my reading in.
Or I would put on my favorite CD and sing to him or we would dance around the house. What excites you will excite her. It will always be like that. She will want to do anything you are doing. And that challenged me to be the best version of myself. To set a true example for someone.
These things that I'm mentioning slowly help you incorporate your new baby into your life. You don't have to stop what you like to do. And although you can't see instant results from your baby, your time together is doing wonders for her brain development. Your voice, your touch, your care is the best brain food. For me that was empowering.
I have 3 kids ages 3 and under - I'm lucky if I shower! LOL but I tell myself these years when they are small and only want to be with you go by QUICK. When they are all teens and too cool to say hello to me, I will wish I had these problems.
Take care R.!!! Hang in there sister.
Trish

No, you aren't the only one! I found that the adjustment to "baby time" was really hard with the first child - what a shock from the fast-pace of the normal working world. Those newborn weeks - I don't know how to describe it, but it's just a different experience than anything else I can think of in normal adult life - more physical, more instinctive, and frustratingly impossible to schedule. I enjoyed it immensely with my second child (who was also an easier baby, but also, I knew what to expect) - it felt like slipping into warm water. But the first time, more like trying not to drown!

In any case, what everyone says is true. It does get better every month. The first year of parenthood was difficult for me - I really had a hard time with the sheer work of it, and with the complete loss of control and "me" time (even though I went back to work when he was pretty young, I just did not have any time to myself, ever.)

I think if I could do it again, I'd make sure I had weekly, scheduled time to myself and take long walks or just sit on a park bench or something. I hope you are able to get some time for yourself, too. Congratulations!

Having earned a PhD, you have studied a great deal. And there was always a book that told you what to do and how to do it. No matter how many books you read about child care, there is always something that is different or conflicting or whatever. Babies don't come with instruction manuals. Though I can tell you I wouldn't mind if they did. Each child is a different model and no 2 are alike. It might be a good idea to get out on your own if you can get a sitter for just a few hours 1 or 2 days a week. I stayed at home for just over a year and not having that contact drove me nuts. It is very important to have time for yourself. Of course there are many of us still trying to get it.
BTW, it may be a good idea to talk to someone else as already suggested just to see if anything different comes out in the conversation. Someone that can help guide you. An indfferent party can really help sometimes. Even just a counselor or a friend. Also, my husband used to complain about how we can't do this or that because the kids. I asked him to honestly think about not having them and would that be better. He doesn't complain much any more. Can't imagine without them.