Over Exhausted Mom/grandma

You need to provide TOUGH LOVE. Not easy to do but in the end it does
work. You need to set some boundaries for everyone. If you know both
are working, tell them they need to get a babysitter. They are walkin all
of over you.

I just had to get tough on my son and it worked like it should. Good luck.

No I dont but you have to stop it now you will be no good to anyone .

They have to grow up if the have babys they should take care of them not you
they need day care or sitters no more free ride.
be strong speak up.

Updated

stop

She gets offended when you say something to her? I'd throw her out ;-) Seriously, I am 38, so I can relate on the energy thing, but I have two little ones, so I have no clue what it would be like to have a 20 year old. But I do know this: I'd sit her down and have a long talk about what she should and shouldn't get offended about when I have taken her and her family in and am helping them out.

So, I'd have a family meeting and make it clear to everyone that they need to chip in. I'm already telling my 24 month old that she has to contribute to the functioning of the household and what her tasks are. So, get a writing, and handing out lists to everyone. You can't do it all, or you will run yourself down so much you are worthless to everyone. So I'd figure out what kind of help you need and get them helping. Make it simple, give everyone two 15 minutes task cards every week (my neighbor gets her whole housecleaned by having everyone do this). So have someone spend 15 minutes vacuuming, or 15 minutes cleaning the bathroom. 15 minutes dusting. 15 minutes folding laundry. 30 minutes a week from everyone should really help. Besides, if your youngest is 11, they are all old enough to do almost every household task, including cooking. I'd have your oldest ones be responsible for dinner one night a week too. It's never too early to teach self-sufficiency and responsibility.

I do not know what you are going through as my 3 kids are still little , but I can imagine how you are feeling. I think you need to all sit down and have a discussion about the rules in your home , after all it is YOUR home. I take it the eldest are living with you with the baby for financial reasons? However they chose to have a baby and he is there responsibility and they cannot assume that you will always watch him because he is living with you , maybe suggest they pay you? Not as much as an official day care center/person but something to help out.

I hope you work this out

It's your house, lay down the rules. She gets offended when you talk to her? So what - time for the girl to grow up. When your daughter is home, the baby is HER responsibility! And I would have her look into local daycare options since both parents are working now.

I would encourage all of your adult children to move out. They need their own space and need to learn how to function on their own.

As much as I hate to say it, this is a situation of your own making. Your younger kids can have responsibilities too. Call a family meeting and let them know what's going to change. You need help and it's time for ALL family members to contribute to the family home - that means your bipolar husband too. If he's not on meds for his illness, he should be. And the meds should enable him to function normally. Make a chore chart - and stick with it.

Good luck.

I think you should be sainted!

Seriously, I just have one baby and I'm often overwhelmed. You need to draw some boundaries and lean on others for support sometimes too. I know its hard when you are used to doing everything yourself but just try. I have a really independent strong mom who did everything and it is awkward for her to ask for help, just as i was selfish with her at times and inconsiderate, not thinking to offer help because i was so used to her doing everything and making it look easy. It just takes some readjusting.

Wishing you and your family the best!

Ok I am going to be very blunt. This is one of my good/bad traits, but this is a place to get help and to help you get real. One of the MOST important jobs of parenting is to teach you children to be independent responsible adults. You ARE NOT teaching any of your children this if you continue to do everything. Sorry to say this, but what would happen to them if you dropped dead tomorrow? (I told you I was blunt.) Seriously, think about it, what if you were just disabled and perhaps in the hospital? Your 11 y/o should be learning to cook, do laundry and even go on grocery shopping trips with you to learn how to shop.
STOP taking care of your grandson when his parents are around. Simply ignore him or hand him over. Start telling the other kids to do chores. Send the baby's mother to the store. STOP getting up at 4. Go for a very long walk and stay gone for a couple of hours. Just tell the family you will be back whenever. After a couple of weeks of this have the older kids take turns cooking dinner. Soon it should become part of the family dynamic.
I have 6 grown children and 9 grand babies. I love to tend the babies, but on my own terms. If they ask me to babysit I am usually happy to, but if I am busy I tell them sorry, I cant. Each one of my 6 learned to cook as soon as they were tall enough to stand by the stove without getting burned, usually around 12. For their 13th birthday I taught them how to do laundry and that was that. The only time I did their clothes after that was if they were sick or if I had room in the washer, I would throw a couple of their thing in to make a full load. My oldest son's wife was amazed at all the things he knew how to do and still remarks at what a handy guy he is. 2 of my other sons took over when their wives had babies and ran the house, shopped, cooked etc.
Sorry this is so long, but you really have to start teaching all of them.

Hold on, let me get this straight. Your 20 yr old daughter is married, living with you, has a 5 month old and is already pregnant again?! On top of that you have 6 other children and you take care of all their needs?!

In my opinion, you are doing more harm than good - to yourself and to them. I understand the desire to make your children happy and to keep family close, but unless they have disabilities of some sort, they need to take on responsibilities.

I'm 28, married with a 22 month old. My husband and I lived in his parents basement while we got ourselves into a financial situation to buy our own home, which did did this past October (and a month later, I lost my job, so we lost half of our income). We took care of our son, we took care of all the laundry in the house and some of the cleaning and shopping, plus we paid rent.

My mom taught me to do my own laundry once I was tall enough to reach the knobs. We had to do chores around the house too. My parents also taught me the importance of financial responsibility.

It is time to allow - or force - your children to grow up. They need to help out around the house, they need to take care of their own child and they need to be responsible.

Oh R., the pull to take care of everyone is strong! ......but you have to take your best shot in explaining to your daughter what you are willing to do. That's right, tell her what you are willing to do. Tell her first how much you love her, the baby, etc... but that you are exhausted and that you don't mind helping out on occasion but that you have raised your own children and that she needs to find other ways to help herself besides you. Be as gentle and kind as you can be, but don't feel guilty about it! Lay out exactly what you are willing to do. She WILL get offended. You can't control how she feels. That is her journey. She may not understand now but hopefully she will some day. Taking care of yourself is a good thing and doesn't mean that you don't love all members of your family. You will also be doing your daughter a service. She has a baby of her own now and she needs to take that responsibility. You will be helping her to grow up and be stronger.

You and your husband need to go on at least a week vacation. You are enabling them to be helpless and they don't know how to do anything else. I am raising (Legal guardianship) several of my grandchildren but my daughter is not allowed to stay in my home. She is lazy and worthless, she won't even take care of her own laundry. She will yell at me if she brings her laundry over at 1pm for me to wash and then tells me she needs it by 4pm so she can go to work and I look at her and say then it should have been here yesterday or the day before because today I am busy.

Help them learn to be grown ups.

R.,
It's okay to say NO! Your daughter is a grown woman, married and has a baby, she and her husband should be expected to take care of their own baby. They don't have you take care of him when they're home, you are choosing to do it. They can't "make" you. My nephew and his fiancee (26 and 25) have a baby, they live in her mom's basement, they take care of their own baby. It's fine if you are providing daycare while they work but you must be the one to say that it's not your baby and not your responsibility.
Why do you do 100% for your kids? R., you have no "little ones." Your youngest is 11 - my youngest is turning 11 soon and he's quite capable of doing a lot for himself - dusts and vacuums his own room each week, changes his own sheets, folds and puts his laundry away, gets his own breakfast in the morning and can pack his own school lunch. If you're overwhelmed because you are CHOOSING to do things for your kids that they are capable of doing for themselves, then it's you who needs to decide that you deserve better and you who needs to change.
Good luck!

Yes, tell the 20 y/o you cannot take the baby. It is not your responsibilty. I can tell you as a counselor, you will hit burnout! Healthy boundaries. Just say it lovingly! You can do it! You are important too!!

I have 9 kids, 8 of which are still at home. My 21 year old son is married w/ a child, and another due at any time (daughter in law currently in hospital for ptl). Now, of course, son and dil are not living with us, but, they do tend to slack on watching their child when around us. To an extent it isn't an issue, but at other times it is. We've had to tell them, we have our own kids to take care of (our youngest is only 2, so we are still knee deep in it ourselves). You just need to lay down the law here. It is YOUR house. That is THEIR child. Time for them to grow up.

R.,
You have NOT spoiled your grandson. You have spoiled your daughter. : )
You may have to get creative with this one. I don't know what your daughter is doing when she is 'home' when she expects you to watch her son while she is there. At 5 months he is certainly too young to 'put down' and just 'leave' and you are right - I feel - for doing this!

She needs to step up - but at the same time, she needs to be, well, responsible. She is his Mama. It sounds like he has imprinted on you.

Set up a time to talk to her - that might help. So you are both calm and she can 'hear' you without being diverted. She's 20. She may not be mature enough for this conversation, either, so don't expect much.

Another route would be going to YOUR doctor. Yep. Get an appointment. Get a prescription that says - more sleep - more regularly - more often. Even have him give you a script if you feel like it - melatonin works wonders (and it is OTC ; )

You have to stand up but in a way that empowers the rest of the family to take over a little at a time what you have freely given.

What would you (God Forbid!) do if you found a lump in your breast? You would have to go through all this and MORE. And not only would they have to pick up the slack, they'd have to do even MORE around the house than they do now.

Another avenue would be Flylady.com / .net She's got ideas for cleaning that will take the load off you and help you get/keep things in order without going nuts.

I wish you luck. I hope you don't have to use subterfuge. But it really isn't if it is your health involved.

And take the babe with you to the appointment. : D

A baby sling might help you a LOT, also, if you don't have one already. DD can pick up tips on how to wear it.

Good luck!
M.

PS: other ideas, just have DS waking any second now! And YES, I carry him everywhere too! Good for you!

It may be hard to do, but you need to allow your children to be responsible for their own obligations. I have seen some many times were a grandparent is completely taken advantage of & is the the one left feeling guillty because they can't just enjoy their grandchild. You are allowing your daughter to call the shots, and that is unfair to you. I'm sure that it is very hard trying to keep everything together, but you are only going to do it by having everyone pitch in. Good luck!

As hard as it is, you just have make them care for their own child. You are doing thema HUGE favor as it is by letting them live there. You are grandma not mom. She is not a single mother, she is married!! So what if they get offended? It's THEIR child! If you don't nip in the butt now, its going to get worse. You can nicely remind them that your days of raising babies are done, and although you dont mind helping, you have plenty on your plate and this is thier responsibility. Even adult children will take advantage of their parents if they're allowed to :)

Sounds like you are ready to set some boundaries. You can decide what you are willing to do. There may be some upset initially, some growing pains. But if you are clear what you are about, then you can be calm about it. What is one thing outside of the house you would like to do, once a week? A Bible study, book group, go get a cup of coffee with a girlfriend? Set it up, announce it, go to it. Everyone will live. They will realize they kept breathing without you. You will realize they really can live without you for two hours. And you can build from there. Baby steps!

Hi R.,

You have gotten great advice already -- please listen to those other moms.

You ARE heading for physical exhaustion, and that's no joke. Seriously, it's time to start saying NO. If your daughter doesn't like it, then tell her to move out and live on her own, like a real grown up. It sounds like you are giving too much of yourself. You need to take care of YOU, too.

Lots of love and best of luck to you.

I think it is time you start delegating responsibilities to your family. There are enough people in your home that are old enough to help. You need to have a plan for everyone to pitch in. Start by reading the website www.projectlearnet.org. This website was orignally started for children with traumatic brain injury, however, studies have proven that it is helpful for all children and adults to become self regulated to do their own responsibilities in their lives. This will also help your daughter learn how to become a good mother and teach her child the responsiblities she/ he needs as a child. Good luck in your training and may God bless you all for things do happen they way are suppose to.

You are wonderful to be there for your family - God bless you.

However, your primary responsibility lies with your younger children now and you can't give them short shrift because your oldest child can't be bothered with her responsibilities. She had all that time with you - your younger children haven't. Of course you want to be there for your grandson but it needs to be in the grandma role - not the mom.

Good luck and hang in there.