Only Child Blues

I would recommend you get her involved in scouts, or other after-school activities that her classmates are involved in. It will help her build a common bond with them outside of school. Find something she'd be interested in doing outside of school - girl scouts, indian princesses, acting, dance, gymnastics, sports, etc.

I've found that sometimes kids need a little help from the parents to make friends. I've had to be more outgoing than my stepdaughter to help her make friends. Sometimes I ask her who she'd like to be friends with, then together we arrange a situation where she can ask the friend over, or get a phone number. Sometimes I have to go up to the parents and begin the conversation.

I also have her in a variety of activities where she can meet kids that share her same interests. Sometimes that's a great way to already have something in common with someone! Plus while she's doing the activity I can socialize with the moms and get to know them.

Your daughter may have a hard time making friends at school because, maybe it's a challenging group of girls in her class and the dynamics don't click. That can be a hard age - some girls can be nice while other girls can be catty! It's nice that she does have friends, even outside of school. Keep getting her involved in activities and even encourage her to invite a friend over, from school. Finding someone with similar interests will help create friendships, so whatever she likes to do, like reading - have her join a library /reading clubs, create jewelry, join a softball team. Help her approach people - be the mom who knows kid's names and help her learn how to start up conversations by being observant....even starting with something so simple like what someone is wearing .... "Oh...nice Cub's shirt! I like the Cubs too!!"

It's so nice that she tries - and that's encouraging! She just needs help in jump starting conversations and helping her to have the confidence to do that is a great thing. Teaching her that her attempts won't always work and just let those moments roll off her back is important too and will help her handle rejection. She'll find those good friends eventually.

An idea of something to invovle her in is Girl Scouts. Check with your school to find out if there is an active group and then talk to the leader. (You can also look up the Girl Scout Council in your area to find out.) I wanted my daughter to be involved because of the character, confidence and courage it builds in girls. I have found it to be EVEN more rewarding than I hoped for. AND - by girl scout motto - these kids will be nice. If you speak to the leader beforehand, she can help make sure your daughter feels right at home.

My daughter is an only child too. Her best friend is our neighbor who is one year older. They don't go to the same school. She is a little shy, or really - it's more like tentative. I don't think it is an only child thing. I was one of 5 and I was shy for a long time (until I got older and decided I was sick of it!)! I think that we parents of "only's" and society makes us, feel guilty. The whole time I was the oldest of 5, I honestly would not have minded being an only! :) All I mean to say is that there are a lot of perks to it as well.

I would really look in to Girl Scouts, teaches them LOTS, focuses on being a great person and builds comradery with the other girls.

Good luck to you!
K.

My son is in similar situation. He is 8 years old. He isn't shy, but has a hard time making friends. He is oppositional defiant, but there are parents who think he's just a brat or something. I even had one parent ask if he had autism or Aspbergers syndrome. We are working on the oppositional defiant behavior, but some times he has a bad day.

There are times when he comes on too strong, but it seems like much of that is because he is wanting to make friends so badly. He does well playing independently, but also gets lonely. It's hard because he doesn't get invited to classmates' homes to play.

I would love some advice.

J. R.

Get her involved in some group. Girl Scouts, the choir at church, or maybe a dance group at the local YMCA.

Did your daughter enter a new school this year? Our 12-year-old son is an only and always seems to have a hard time with transitions. I think that is more just him than a matter of him being an only.

When he was younger, I used to arrange a lot of play dates and signed him up for various sports, usually one per season, being careful to not overschedule him. (It drives me nuts when people have their kids scheduled from morning till night.) But as he has gotten older, he has dropped out of some of those activities. He still keeps up with Scouts, weekend youth group that meets twice a month, and an occasional sport.

Part of me worries that our son is lonely at times, but we learn things about ourselves during those times as well. I have to be careful to let him feel the aloneness as well as the camaraderie of friends and family.

At 10, he had a harder time making friends on his own. He was past the "play dates" I arranged but didn't have the confidence to create his own. It took some nudging of encouraging him to make the phone calls, but he has grown more comfortable with it through time. Sometimes practicing the wording before the call is made helps. Sometimes play dates of a sort are still facilitated by me. But, in general, our son has become much more willing to take his own steps toward orchestrating his own get togethers.

It's painful to watch someone feel lonely sometimes. But it also can build the desire to do something about it.

Good luck!

I have been down that road ( still am) with my 11yr old daughter, and I have 2 more girls to go. First, I think girls are so mean to each other. My 11 yr old is shy, and she is also small for her age which only makes thing worse.

I would say maybe get her involved in some committees at school, or an activity after school to make more friends. Encourage her to invite kids over, or as I always tell my girls, find the kids that seem to be off by themselves, maybe they need a friend too.

I agree with Linda, set up playdates. I think inviting a classmate to your home is the best way to get to know someone without so many distractions like you'd have at a more public place. You could certainly invite the other Mom to stay for cofee as well.

I have two "only' children (we had a surprise child when our oldest was 16, they are now 25 and 10). Only children learn to entertain themselves and are more mature than the children their age as the are around adults more than children. Put your daugher in swimming lessons, soccer or a sport she would enjoy to be around children her own age, then exchange phone numbers and addresses with the parents so you can plan play days. Encourage your daughter to develop friends in her class and have them get toegether one day on a weekend or day off from school, they can meet at Chuck E Cheese or McDonald's playland so the parent can also meet, an important issue when allowing your child to go to their friend's home. There are also summer day camp programs throught the Park District to give your child more opportunities to meet and gather with kids her own age. Good Luck!

Have a birthday party for her and invite her classmates. If her birthday is during the summer, just have a theme party.

Hi Grace, I just wanted to wish you good luck belatedly. I have a 3 yr old only, and worry about this all the time. It's so hard to find friends for her at this point; I'm just hoping it'll somehow get easier. It's good to hear of other moms with similar concerns.

This may sound silly, but I was a SUPER shy kid (especially at that age) and my parents enrolled me in acting classes (outside of school) to try to help me break out of my shell. The more activities I joined in and out of school helped. By high school, I found it easier to make friends. Also, 10 is such an awkward age. I shiver just thinking of my Jr. High days...

Good luck!

Hi Grace,

Where are you located? I'm a single mom with a "soon to be 10 year old" girl who has difficulties making friends as well. Maybe if we aren't too far apart, we could try them together?

M.