Need Suggestions to Help My Daughter with 1St Grade Classmates/friends

The social interactions in school are harder to learn than any of the reading, writing and arithmatic. It sounds like you are handling it really well. Have you spoken to her teacher about it? She may have some insight into the group dynamics that could help.

Hi I would try to get her involved in some other activities outside of school. This would help build her confidence. Maybe there is a gymnastic class,soccer, art classes near by. Maybe some volunteer work at an assitant living. She would feel wonderful helping these older people.
Just keep telling her that she is valued and loved. Good luck. Denise

Try not to make an issue of it with her. It probably has nothing to do with her social skills. Making friends in elementary school is harder than in the Junior and Senoir high schools. Children have a tendancy to ctick together with other kids they feel very familiar with or know from other activities they do together outside the school. Have her join girl scouts so she can get to know her classmates and they get to see her more often. You're doing great explaining that friends come and go.

She sounds a lot like me, though the same "symptoms" can result from different causes. There was some aspect of social development that I reached late. Socializing definitely got easier for me in high school, and I actually remember being conscious of things clicking in my brain finally in my freshman year of college. One thing that helped me get through was being involved in social teamwork activities like theater. I agree with the woman who suggested that girl scouts might be better than soccer. Kids don't have to talk to each other (which is what builds friendships) while playing most sports. Also, from my experience, it's a tremendous advantage that there are so few girls in her class. Ultimately, as friendships evolve, they will need her as much as she needs them. In a larger group, the girls are less motivated to accept any deviation from social norms.

The social skills class is a great idea. As for Aspergers (sp?) syndrome, I wouldn't worry if your pediatrician isn't worrying. Besides, I know three families with AS kids, and the behavioral problems their kids have are much more extreme than what you're describing. It sounds to me like she's just developing more slowly, the way I did.

I wish you all the best with this.

Oh this is so difficult for the both of you, I'm sure. You are doing everything that you possibly can. Just continue to do what you are doing and have many conversations about it with her. Listen to her, acknowledge her feelings, and give lots of hugs. Tell her the definition of a good friend, one that does not leave you for someone else and likes you for who you are. Reassure her constantly that she is a great kid and that you will be her best friend forever even after she finds someone special to play with. Give her a big hug from me. I know this is difficult, but it is a part of growing that you seem to be handling very well.

A.

I wish I had advice. I read what you wrote and felt sad because I was just like her. I never had a large group of friends. But I adventually found a good friend that lived in my neighborhood and we clung to each other and are still friends today. I was active. I did sports, chorus, played the violin. people in my school did not hate me. I kind of just felt invisable. She may be a bit insecure until people get to know her (thats how I was). I would keep having play dates and when the kids get to know her better and she feels more comfortable around them, then maybe she will feel more comfortable to try to interact with them.
E.

JG,

Ohhhh I feel for you and your daughter. Children have such deep feelings and it is so hard to see your kid left out. Similar things happened to my daughter in first grade. This is what we did.

I talked to the teacher. Sometimes they have insights about the way my daughter is behaving that are helpful and they tend to remind me what is appropriate behavior at different developmental stages. And it is always nice to know that someone at school is looking out for my kid. My daughter also LOVED this book: My Best Friend by Mary Ann Rodman and E. B. Lewis. We must have read it a thousand times. It is about a little girl obsessed with another girl who is mean to her. Everyday she follows this girl and tries to win her affections and the other girl could care less. In the end the little girl finds a girl who treats her right. I think the transition from pre-k and k is very hard. In those years everyone is your friend: the mailman, the boy down the street, everyone in your class - the whole world. But as kids get older they have to begin to sort out who is a good friend and who is not such a good friend. And horror of horrors that some people are just not your friend.

I hope this helps. Also remember it is just a phase. A lousy one, but a phase none the less that will end.
Catherine

My daughters school closed down and we had to transfer her to another private school. She had good friends at that school. I was amazed at how at first grade the children have "clicks". I did not know this and my daughter was upset that the girls at the new school would not play with her. I was upset with the teacher because she waited until our first parent/teacher conference (10 weeks)to tell us that the other girls often would exclude her simply because she was new to the school. Well that very night, I questioned my daughter even more as I was very disappointed that the teacher did not alert us and she was not even aware that my daughter came from another school. So, I planned a small girls party within a month on a saturday and she picked 5 girls to come over and do crafts and play. I was able to see how the girls interacted. After we had the party, she has made friends with all of them and had them at her birthday party. I have talked with some of the parents also.

I would try and have your daughter invite all 6 of the girls to a nice small craft party for 1-2 hours and watch the interaction. By the way send the invitations to the parents that way it will be most likely that all of them will attend. I simply explained my daughter was new to the school and we wanted her to meet some new friends.

Hope it helps-

Jenn

such a pain... My daughter was in a threesome too when she was in K - 2nd grade and it was terrible. There is always an odd man out. The problem went away when one of the girls switched schools. My daughter is now in another threesome (great!) but for some reason it works really well with this set! If you are in the public school system the problem will resolve itself by Spetember latest when they mix up all the classes. If you are in a small independent school then you should talk with the teachers and the head of your school. (This may or may not yeild results in the PS system... I have heard mixed things.)

Can you encourage after school play dates at your house with some of the other girls? That seemed to help us out a bit too.

I wish I could give you advice and or suggesstions however I amstruggleing with the same issue. My 4 year old I feel also become the third one out. I try and plan one on one play groups and I am realizing that even at the age of 4 that childre can be very hurtful. I feel that her personality has a lot to do with it. She is a quiet sensitive little girl who at times likes to play all by herself especially in large groups. I am obvserving that children gravitate around one strong personality and that same girl can picka nd choose who is included that day. And because everyone wants to be included they cater to that girl in fear that they will be the one excluded. This is a form of bullying and in a tiny version of the way some grown adult act if not more now than ever! I am sorry if I have gone out on a rant. I just try and raise my child to be able to often expect this behavior and that children who act that way are not good friends and that she does not need to be friends with someone like this. I also try to teach empathy and tolerance sice I feel that these are her unique skills.

Hi JG,
Two suggestions for your 6 1/2-year-old: One is to be sure she is in activities where she has to interact with others, not individual type activities like a musical instrument, ballet, art or tennis. Second, how about providing your daughter with something shareable: extra pencils or pens at school, extra treats at lunch, etc.
Good luck!
L.

It's hard when you see a child suffer and I think you are doing the right thing by talking to her...you said she plays soccer and that is awesome(I was a little tomboy and thank goodness, I now have 5 boys) but what about some other activities that are more girl saturated...like dance, gymnastics or Girl Scouts...look around and find out when and where some "crafty" things go on(A C MOORE has a free craft...check your local store/or library)also if you scrapbook find out if your local stores do a mommy and me scrapbooking day(my son goes with me)...unfortunately at this age girls have the "cooties" (when it comes to little boys)and thats okay but if you are friendly with some of the boys mom's try playdates with them too...my boys will hang out with girls at home even the same ones they run away from at school...I think you should contact the teacher again and ask her opinion on children she thinks your daughter will get along with(we just moved and trust me I've asked a lot about the other kids from the teachers...), but most importantly I think you're main goal is to love and support your daughter(as it sounds like you're doing)because friends are wonderful but they're not everything...when I was in the 2nd grade my parents invited every girl in my class to my birthday party...only one (my friend Veronica) showed up but instead of that being a disaster...my parents had us play every game and relay race they had planned on and it turned out to be a really great day...between the two of us we won all the prizes and had a lot of cake and icecream...I later found out that another little girl had her party on the same day and they all chose to go to her party...but even though that hurt my feelings, when I look back on that day I feel really lucky because my parents loved me and showed it, not by getting angry but by not focusing on the bad but the good...all in all it's a much more heartbreaking memory for my mom and as far as the rest of my childhood went...I was really happy and always had a ton of friends...I think everyone goes through an akward stage...she'll get there...with your support and love all will be fine!

Hi,

I think the most important thing is to stop and rejoice in all the wonderful things your daughter is. I have a son who is very bright, warm, kind, friendly with usually all the kids, but tends to make one very close friend. His first best friend moved away and then the next was older than him and changed schools a couple of years before he was finished with primary school. My son was lonely at times, but he is who he is and he has very rewarding close friendships when he finds them. I think in the long term, it is going to be a wonderful characteristic for him, but in the short term is often lonely. He also only had 6 boys in his class.

He is now in 7th grade and I chose a school where he would find more children like himself. He is having a much better time socially. I think it is important that you don't make your daughter insecure about her social style with too many specialists and interventions. Play dates, etc. are wonderful. But I just had a feeling that maybe you are trying to fix something that isn't broke. That would just make her doubt herself.

I don't have any advice, as my kids aren't in school yet, but it broke my heart to read this, and I hope things get better for your daughter. At least she feels welcome and included at home.

This sounds like my son. He is 8 and in the third grade. He, like your daughter, is not shy, but is reserved. He doesn't like large groups, so he tends to stay on the sidelines. I guess he is kind of like me because I am very outgoing, yet sometimes get overstimulated and overwhelmed in large groups. I need to be seated either in the front of a room or towards the outer walls to be comfortable, can't sit right in the middle of a group. This was true when I was in school and remains true today.

My son actually complains that there is no one to play with because he is waiting to be asked, he won't just jump in and play with the kids. Of course kids that age don't usually invite others to play, so he is often left out. To make matters worse, he hates sports and refuses to play with the boys if they are playing football or are rough housing at all, and like you mentioned, the girls and boys are separating now.

I don't have any answers for you, but wanted you to know that there are others out there like that too.

THAT completely broke my heart! My daughter is only ten months old,but I do have a nephew that suffered with the same issues. My sister made sure that he was involved in completely different activities than his school and he made numerous friends. But again, since you have a girl, check to see if there is a Girls Inc. in your area. They are amazing at girl empowerment. Check out their http://girlsinc.org.

The key to this problem with a 6 yr. old is to get friendly with the parents (especially mothers) of other children in the class. One way you can accomplish this is to do the following:
Have a party in your house, perhaps for your daughter's birthday or any other occasion. Have your daughter bring in party invitations to the class, and distribute to all of the 6 girls in her class. At the party, have an interactive game for them to play. Welcome a mother to stay for the party. (She can give you a hand) As a result, the girls will begin to notice your daughter and you'll even make friends with their mothers. Relax and enjoy your motherhood. I've been there and did that.

Dear JG: A suggestion- perhaps your daughter can bring in something to occupy herself during recess: a book, a toy,something that she can use to be busy with during the times when she is not included. This is not to say that she shouldn't try to get in with the group, but, girls at even very young ages are not always inclusive. My daughter, who just turned twelve was in the same position in the younger grades. My heart broke for her and I worried daily. The advice I gave her was that not everyone will be her friend and even friends have days when they want to play alone or with someone else,and THIS HAS NOTHING to do with her. If she has a "Prop" , she can be involved doing her own thing and not seem or feel like she's left out.

My heart goes out to both of you. I've gone through this kind of thing with my daughter also. First things first, if there are only 6 girls in her class, she is in a tough situation. I would talk to the school about addressing their gender inbalance problem in some way, maybe by having some sort of girls only activity where all 12 girls are put together once or twice a week. I would also ask the school to try to recruit more girls so the inbalance is not so stark.

The best advice I got for me and my daughter is to work to create positive experiences for both of you, so that neither of you focuses too much on her current difficulties. It sounds elementary, but sometimes if you obsess about it too much and she too, that becomes the story she runs in her head and if that is the loudest story in there, it will be very hard for her and it will not help her in the school yard or anywhere else. It will help if instead of thinking I have no friends, she is thinking about the neat play she saw or the hike she took or the flowers she planted. The positive outlook will help her with other kids as well.

Make sure that outside of school, she has activities she enjoys. Also encourage group activities, like the girl scouts, or if your school offers after-school activities at the school, church groups, choirs, theatre, neighborhood kids, cousins etc. - the key is for her to feel a part of as many groups as you can. As your daughter participates in a variety of group settings, she will not only gain experience, but she will relax and gain social resiliency so she can shrug off when a child is rude.

Finally, if you're worried that your daughter may be on the autistic spectrum or have some other learning difference that is affecting her socially, check out the Schwab Learning web site. The message boards are no longer open, but you can do searches in there for past conversations. The parents on that board are extremely knowledgeable and you may be able to figure out what you think about whether or not your daughter exhibits these tendencies. It is often difficult to diagnose girls with these difficulties and many are not diagnosed until they are much older, but that doesn't mean that they are not having difficulties earlier, it just means their difficulties are more subtle and difficult for the experts to catch. You know your daughter best, so trust your gut.

Hi,

WOW! A lot of advice. I felt for you and your daughter but I wonder if you are worrying for nothing. I have 3 boys and 1 daughter(only 23months). My oldest son was shy, but not unapproachable. I started him early into pre-school because I worried about it. It helped for sure. My one son, is VERY social, but not really. It's funny, but he's popular and well liked but HE chooses to have just a few friends. My other son is also the same way. Telling you that, is to let you know it might be her personality. Yes, it might hurt her now, but it might be what it will be for her. She might be the kind to have a few GOOD friends close.

I totally believe boys and girls are different and therefore, have different issues, so I can be off base and may not know that till my daughter reaches school.

I think sports is a good thing for her. Maybe soccer or baseball. Those kind of sports give you the "team" concept and that might help. You become a part of something. Seeing how you interact is a good thing as well. Follow by example.

Also, I know that everyone thinks that Kindergarten is hard to get used to, but base on my expierence it's 1st grade. It's tough on a child. To go from "fun" in the class room, to "serious".

You seem to have all the bases covered and you certainly have put yourself in a spot to help her. I think it will work it's self out, it takes time.

I just wanted to offer encouragement. Good luck.

Hi,
It sounds like you are doing everything right so far. You encourage your daughter to try and get involved with the other girls, but also explain truthfully that sometimes friends grow apart. All the interventions you have tried seem to be good ones and it must be frustrating that they don't seem to be working.
One thing that comes to mind is that you said that her playdates are usually successful. I assume that they are individual, meaning your daughter and just one other girl. Since girls at this age are generally influenced by each other, I thought that you might try having a "girls" party/day where you could include all 6 girls. (ideas: "crafty girls", adventure club, makeovers, "hannah montana dance-athon)
My theory is that if the girls see each other all having fun with your daughter at something that you are leading, they may feel that it's "okay" to accept her into the group. This is also a way that you can observe the interactions between the group, and possibly gain more insight to help your daughter become more accepted into the group.
This is the age to do this, because it won't be long before our kids won't want us around as much!

Good Luck!
Ana

Hi,
I don't want to alarm you but my friend has a son who was delayed in speech and having trouble socializing but very smart. Can maintain one on one but never in a group. He is now 8 years old and is still having issues with socialization. Recently, he was diagnosed with asperger's syndrome by a specialist. I am not saying your daughter has it but it's worth having her seen by a specialist.

Unfortunately, I don't have any specific advice for helping your daughter but I just wanted to mention that the boy/girl mix in your daughter's class is outrageous!. Maybe it isn't uncommon in your area but wow, that is a tough mix. My son is also in 1st grade and he has always (including preschool) had a nearly 50/50 mix.

I just mention this because this is a tough situation and your daughter might have a very different experience if she had more girls to choose from. Don't be h*** o* yourselves b/c I think many girls would have a tough time with this mix. Can you ask your school to make sure she's placed in a more balanced class next year? It does sound like you are doing a great job of trying to support her.

Best wishes.

Dear JG,
First, and most important, there is nothing wrong with your daughter. Your request had a lot of information but some stuff to focus on - there are only six girls in the class, maybe those six are not as sweet/honest/nice as your daughter is. If they were, they would recognize and include her.
So try this - ask the school to make sure that next year your daughter is a class of at minimum 50/50 girls to boys so at least she has a chance to meet other girls to play with.
Lots of parents make the mistake of thinking that all kids are nice and sweet because they are so little and cute - this is absolutely not true! All groups, even those with young children in them have a social structure, a pecking order if you wish. The good news is that your daughter is not being bullied. The bad news is that her Mom is holding her responsible for the actions of the other children around her. Lots of "gentle" kids are overlooked by more boisterous, aka, aggressive, kids. This is not necessarily a "bad" thing.
Give your daughter a chance to blossom on her own. Not all kids are joiners. If there is a particular activity she enjoys, like the soccer you mentioned, let her choose friends from that group. For recess, try to teach her something at home that she can bring into school to engage herself and interest other children. Keep it simple, like a yo-yo or hula hoop. Good luck, and give the kid a break - she sounds like a real doll!
L.

I have 2 daughters. 2nd grade and 4th grade. My 4th grader had social trouble too but there were also mean girl issues. I had more playdates. one on one and then two playdates at a time. I tried to let her have at lerast 3 or 4 playdates a week and she made alot of friends that way. We also have lots of sleepovers to give them more time together but yours its too young for that.

one of my other daughters friends mom has little parties. Cookie making, movie and popcorn party and craft party were you are in control and can see how they interact with each other. Maybe you can invite the 6 girls over and get them to have fun together as a group? Put on music to dance to while decorating cookies. Get your girl to be active with them and kind of "in charge" since she is the one having the fun parties....? It can be a very fun casual bi weekly event. Alot of work for you but it will help her be more comfortable with the whole group if you are there to steer the activity and eventually she will be steering. Good luck.

I have been in your shoes, and I know it is heartbreaking to see your lovable little girl be left out. My daughter had the same issue in 1st and 2nd grade. I would try to talk to her teachers, and other moms. Nothing seemed to help. The other moms always said nice things about my daughter also, but that did not make their daughters want to play with her. Finally I called the school psychologist directly, and pleaded my case to her. She was very helpful. She created play groups with some of my daughters classmates to see who did like my daughter, and helped to get them to play together often at school. The next schoo year she put her in a class with all new girls except one who my daughter seemed friendly with. This was great because it gave my daughter a whole new pool of girls to become friendly with. Now in fourth grade she has 2 best friends and a few other girls that she is very friendly with. She also goes to camp with girls from our town and the next town over. She always makes new friends there that don't go to her school. The most important thing is to focus on her being a wonderful person. Remind her that excluding is not nice behavior and to never do it to someone else. She will make her own connections down the line, and she will be a better friend because of this experience.

Hello J G
My heart goes out to you. I had a similar situation with my oldest who is now almost 16. She started the school year later than everyone else and was "outcasted" as well. It was very difficult for me as well as her because we all want out children to if not be "popular" then to at least have good social interactions. You might want to try and get the teacher involved. I spoke to my daughter's teacher and although it wasn't very successful - I was told "oh they all form their little clicks" it at least made her aware of the situtation and she made sure that my daughter was put in a group during scheduled activities. You also might want to schedule paydates with a girl in her class. Ask your daughter whick girl she would like to invite and then approach the other girls parent. Mom would encourage her daughter to go and then they might form a friendship that way. In any case I know it is heartbreaking to see your daughter hurt. Right now my daughter has many, many friends and is quite happy. This will pass and I am sure your daughter will be fine. It is true that the girls have a much harder time with socialization, and it continues into teenhood, but it usually works itself out. Good Luck.
G. L.

Hi J.G.
I read your story, and as a mom; my heart breaks for you. I know how difficult it is to see our children being left out, or unhappy. I’ve been through it with both my daughter and my niece; and myself growing up for that matter! I am a 1st grade school teacher as well, so I have some insight in the elementary school age mindset. I believe that the small number of girls in the classroom is a factor to consider. My niece, who is quite social and in 2nd grade, has been going through this same scenario with the small class size. Lately, she is continuously “odd-man out.” It hurts. She confides in me, very upset. My daughter, 13 goes through it still on occasion. One of the other readers suggested mentioning it to the teacher. I think that is an excellent place to start. Although he/she can not “force” friendships, but to be aware of the problem and maybe he/she can sort of discreetly help things along. I would also make sure that your daughter has the opportunity to spend time with other kids outside of the classroom, such as relatives, children of your friends, neighborhood kids or other children she may meet in out of school activities. This has helped both my daughter and niece during those “left out” times. Unfortunately I believe that this is typical “female” behavior (leaving people out of the “group”.) Your daughter will grow to be a strong and thoughtful person. Mine did! During those lonely times, do mom/daughter things together. Share some laughs. And take comfort in knowing that you are certainly not alone!

Sounds a lot like my daughter.... i have lately observed and seen the same activity and almost all the info is similar.
I try to do playdates and not let her play with the same kids but sometimes I see her cry and it is hard... Although I do not have much advice, I wish you the best and let you know you are not alone.

I have 3 kids, 2 1/2, 4 and 6 1/2. ... best wishes