Older Sibling Schooling Me on Discipline!

Too late ...i think she is a little to grown up.
And you let her get away with a lot of stuff.
Get ready for more headache.
In my book just by smoking pot my daughter would up been nail in to the wall.
For me that is very unacceptable.
Remember you are the mother then a friend . So do not let her loose the respect you deserve.
Good luck to you.

My 4 kids range in age from 22 to 10. The older ones frequently tell me that I was harder on them. And, quite often, I was - I usually had to tell the older kids something over and over and over. That means that by the time they listened, I was really angry, and an afternoon without TV had become a week without TV. The younger ones grew up watching the older kids, and they push the boundaries less because they know that when I say something, I mean it, and complaining or ignoring me will make the punishment worse, not make it go away. (The oldest kids, only a year apart, always hoped that if they complained enough I'd change my mind. Never happened. ;P) I usually only have to tell the younger kids something once.

Just repeat what you've already told your oldest daughter: you are the decision maker, period. Remind her that some day soon, she'll be the mom, and she won't want you meddling with the grandkids. Also point out that every person is different, so you'll often treat them differently. That's not a bad thing, because people are individuals.

As for your youngest, stand firm on your rules. Lots of people will tell you it's no big deal, everybody experiments with pot, it might even be a good thing, but DON'T believe them!!!!! My best friend is happily 3 years sober now, but lost everything - job, home, family - to drugs. He now tells everyone, "There is no such thing as 'experimenting.' You use or you don't. Make sure you don't!"

Well, I think you are doing just fine with you discipline on 19. As flong as she and the others live under your roof, it's your rules not theirs, and they need to respect it whether they agree with it or not. There are other options for the older sister if she doesnot like your rules or discipline tactics. I stayed home with my parents until 27 and I had a cewfew of 2:00 (yes as an adult), but if I wanted to stay there, it was their home and their rules. Hang in there.
K. E

I have three kids and when the oldest complained about how hard things were for him I just told him that God choose him to be the first born for a reason. He will always be my "guinnie pig". No matter how old we get, he will always be the first one to enter a "stage" in life. I also told him that I do the best I can with what I know AT THAT TIME. Encourage the older daughter to be a good friend to the younger one and be there to be supportive and you will handle the discipline.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I think you said before that all your children are adults. The youngest at 19 years old is an adult also. You can't control any of their behavior anymore. You need to allow them to make their own decisions, even if it is something you don't agree with. I would talk to any of your chldren still living under your roof as a group. I would tell them that you will not tolerate alcohol or drug use in your home by anyone and that you expect them to help you with the household chores or pay you rent. Even though they are older than 18, you still have control of your household. You can't control who their friends are or where they go. They are too old for you to be calling their friends parents. I would tell the ones who live with you that using drugs is a dangerous thing and that if any of them continues to use drugs that they will no longer be allowed to live with you. I would insist that the 19 year old either work or attend school, or else she cannot live with you. Best of luck. Just remember they are adults, not children. You can help them find resources for AA/NA if needed.

Hi C.,

I have three daughters of my own and my oldest (18) tells me the same thing. But they are all different and my youngest (14) is a straight A student, plays water polo and has never been a discipline problem, whereas the oldest almost got me into trouble with the law for her refusing to go to school and has now made me a Grandma at 36 so yes I am going to discipline them differently. I would remind your daughter that until she has children of her own then she wouldn't know the first thing about being a parent and also that she is 26 and still lives at home, she doesn't have a clue as to what it's all about, I'm sorry if my words are harsh, but I am going through the same thing with my oldest, she has a baby now and still lives with us so I am going through a tough situation right now too! Good Luck with all of your daughters, I know how challenging it can be at times!

M.

C.,
Sounds like your 26 year old needs to have a child of her own to discipline. LOL. I would definitely let her know that you are the one taking on the responsibility of parenting the 19 year old and think that you are doing just fine. You might even have a talk with her regarding the fact that she, as your oldest, definitely had you learning the ropes as a parent.

I am the oldest of eight - one brother and six sisters - I know that when I was in my twenties (they are long gone - LOL) and didn't have kids that I definitely knew what was best for my younger siblings and thought my parents were "going soft" on them. Now as a parent myself I can sort of sympathize with my parents and the sheer number of kids they have had to raise (only one left in the house).

I think your daughter has a lot of love for her sister and I would continue to let her know that she remains a role model for the nineteen year old - and that sometimes her advice to the nineteen year old will be better received than yours...just make sure you're on the same page...(=

Good luck with your girls...they can be really fun.
A.

Tell your oldest daughter that of course, you're easier on the youngest because you've learned to be a different parent. My middle sister and I used to get upset with our parents for disciplining my youngest sister less than us too, but when I moved out and started my own family, I didn't care anymore - it was my parent's business. I have five kids ages 25 to 17 and the 17 year old does have it easy than the others, but my older kids aren't petty about it. They tell me that they are glad for him that he has it easier than they did.

It seems to me, that there isn't a lot you can do to discipline a 19 year old who is considered by society to be an adult anyway. Since she is living in your home however, you can make rules for your household, and if she doesn't want to follow them, she doesn't have to live there. I would not have dreamed of trying to discipline my daughter at age 19 (now 25 and expecting her first child,) - she had already been working full-time for two years and got married at 19. As far as I'm concerned, she's been an adult for a long time, and I treat her as such.

I'm the youngest of three girls and I was told a BILLION times that I had a "different" M. then they did and how I got away with everything. I did get into more trouble then they did but I can't say it was my M.'s looser parenting, it was more the fact that I was a different daughter. I turned out just fine, even with walking the line closer than my sisters, and I'm sure your daughter will too. Good luck.

We have five daughters from 45 to 15..the oldest 4 usually have a comment every so often about the youngest and how "spoiled" she is. We firmly, but softly remind them that we don't tell them how to raise their children unless asked and would appreciate the same respect. Our 15 yr old is honor roll, abhors drugs, drinking, cigarette smoking, etc. She was not raised with these things and sees how destructive they can be. I would really caution you about the 19 yr old smoking pot - it robs young people of their ambition..the "fire in their belly" their passion to want to develop a career. If you have a good relationship with her, perhaps you could approach it that way..not to mention that one joint is supposed to be equivalent to 3-4 cigarettes in terms of the noxious gases taken into the body,,and that cannot be good. By expressing love and concern as well as doing some searches on the net about it, you can have your facts with you. Kids are far from stupid. As long as you come from a place of concern and not power-tripping, I think she will hear you. Yes, the grounding is good - and quite necessary to keep her from socializing with unsavory kids. Do the best you can to maintain the position - consistency is so important with kids - of all ages, I think. *s* Good luck to the both of you! When the older one becomes a parent, she will be far too busy to be judging your parenting skills! Good luck to you!

I can so relate, my 23 year old does the same regarding my 16 year old.

I finally got to the point that I tell my daughter thank you for her advice, but I'm the parent. I parent the best I can for today and would appreciate her minding her own business.
If for some reason she has issue with it then she is a big girl and has choices to leave or stay.

I try not to say it mean, but honestly I started scolding my younger one per what my older one said, and got resentful.

I'm sure the 26 year old has her flaws but won't see it either.

And frankly all the children are different they may have different punishment etc., and they have different personalities the lend itself to different ways of handling situations. Just like a boss at work, different workers have different stimuli as a negative or positive reinforcement.

Good luck,
E.

Sounds to me like you have good instincts. I too am a Mom with three grown children and find that the younger ones often feel that they had more rules. That being said sometimes we can learn from our children and get a slant on things that we hadn't considered. It is true that with each child we learn more and figure out what is important to address and that we often don't need to sweat the small stuff.
Feel free to email me if you need another adult opinion on an issue.
Good luck!