While my husband was taking my younger two children upstairs for a bath before bedtime, I smelled an odor in the living room and asked my husband to come back down to confirm my suspicions. I called my 17 year old son up from the basement and could immediately tell from his eyes that he had been smoking pot. He admitted he was and I asked him if his girlfriend had been as well who was over. He said no, but I told him to tell her I was taking her home.
My son told me he has been smoking it since the last half of 9th grade and he is now a senior, so we're talking about going on 3 years. I am shocked, disappointed, angry, you name it. He said he smoked it in the basement plenty of times before and just blew the smoke out the window. I just cannot believe that I never knew before. I feel so dumb that it's been going on for so long. He told me it hasn't affected him and he plans on continuing to do it. I told him not under my roof.
I took his car keys away and he will only get them back to drive to and from school. I also told him he is grounded until further notice because I don't even know how to handle this situation. I'm thinking he needs counseling since it's been going on so long and he sees no problem with it. Has anyone else been through this situation? I'm just not sure what to do.
Its one of the more "innocent" things he can be doing. i know he's young. i started smoking pot at 18. never led to anything else. and now i dont smoke at all. im 31. very successful. im a mother. i hate to say its not really that big of a deal, but really it isnt. relax. he's probably more willing to talk to you about it if you come from a point of wanting to understand. dont be judgmental.
An odd opinion, from a girl who did such things in high school... when they found out I was smoking cigarettes, they took the ashtray out of my car. guess what, I ashed out the window. When I was 14, they found a smoking paraphenalia and a small bag of pot, they took it away and grounded me. It did not stop me. Nothing they did stopped me.
What they didn't do, that I wished they had: paid closer attention to me, ask more in-depth questions, set me up in counseling... For me, I was numbing myself, escaping mixed up feelings that had no outlet, hiding in fun and oblivion. I have no idea what's going on with your son, but after having been a significant pot user for many years, and just watching my husband quit with an admission that it was self-medication -- I'd say go gently towards your son, not in anger or disappointment, but with a silent recognition that he's escaping in some way, medicating something that he doesn't know how to deal with. It doesn't have to be huge bad stuff (mine was just being sensitive in a family that didn't want to deal, so I turned inside) but I would agree with counseling as a first priority.
Good luck and take deep breaths -- it's not necessarily his downfall or a massive problem, but address it honestly and he'll be better off.
First of all don't panic. If your son is going to school, getting good grades, participating in all other normal functions you dont need to do anything really harsh or think your world is coming to an end, it isnt. He must be fine since you say you never knew and he's been doing it since 9th grade. HOWEVER, he has an illegal drug in your house. You probably should take away his keys. That is NOTHING compared to how much it would cost him for a DUI. I know a lot of young people whose lives are very stunted because they are having to pay off huge fines, had their licenses taken away which makes it very hard to get to and from work.... and you have a harder time getting hired anywhere when you have a DUI on your record.... and you cant pass a drug screen if you have weed in your blood. So, by taking away his keys you are giving him a tiny example of how bad it could really get if he got caught by cops and was unlucky enough to actually get arrested.
Now, on the flipside, you gotta think back to when you were a teenager. What weird things did YOU do?
My straight A student son got busted smoking weed during the last week of school when he was a senior and he didnt get to go to graduation..... and that made him feel terrible because he knew how disappointed we were. I didnt give him a hard time, he had just turned 18 and was lucky it was only the campus police that busted him and the highschool took it no further than his dad and I and the stopping of him in the ceremony. My son counted his blessings.
He still smokes off and on..... very maturely tho, he is not a "stoner".
I know a lot of people in my age group and older that smoke and have their entire life, they all work, some have retired, they are all healthy, normal people. There's a difference between an abuser and a casual smoker.... so just breathe and think before you do anything too crazy. Sleep on it, discuss it with your son, learn a little more about the pros and cons, but mostly listen to your son. He lives in the basement right? Maybe he needs to be in the house with the rest of the family instead of separated out? Probably too late to implement that tho now. There has been an obvious breakdown in your family relationship tho, and thats why he started most likely. My son told me "You and dad are always at work and I just started doing it when so and so came over with some one time... blah blah"...
So, it's back to the fact that if you leave your kids unattended for too long you just never know what might happen.
I smoked a lot of pot in high school, and than I out grew it. It really is not a big deal, but he should respect your rules as long as he is living in your home. I would simply let him know that as long as he lives with you he must leave it be. If he wants counseling that is great, but pot is not addictive so he will not need rehab or anything unless he is using harder drugs as well. I would try to avoid making a big deal of it, or he will just keep using and get sneaky about it. Right now he is being open and honest with you. Listen to him, talk to him calmly about your concerns. Do not attack or yell or that open communication you have going will end.
Take a deep breath. Breathe.
Ok, this sucks right now. You just found out that your child has been doing something for YEARS right under your nose, and you are feeling how could you have possibly not known?? I understand. I have been there. I have been so angry that I was prepared to personally walk her to classes, drive her to and from school, and keep her grounded in the house with an alarm system in my house so she couldn't leave until she turned 18.
And then someone told me to breathe. And I did. I remembered all the stupid stuff I did as a teenager, and how I am a perfectly fine, normal adult now. It happens. Does it suck, yes. Is it bad for him? Yes. But you can take this opportunity to make sure you are more aware of what's going on in your son's life. I'm not saying let him smoke. I'm saying work on your relationship. Then you can work on this issue. Use this sucky situation to build on your relationship.
I understand why you have zero tolerance for this. And you should not allow him to do this under your roof, let him know that there will be consequences as you have already done.
On the other hand, I do not think he needs counseling unless it starts to affect his academics or his social habits. He is a teenager, he is experimenting, it's normal. What is important is for him to stay focused on his priorities and not let it affect his grades or his chances of getting into college. Many people go on living successful lives having tried many things as teenagers.
BTW pot is not addictive! People may think they are addicted but physically it is not possible.
I agree with Jen. I think it's fine not to give your permission, but think big picture, if you can - how is he doing in school? Have friends? relationships? If he seems like an all around "good kid" then he is a good kid, just one who smokes pot. It's not the best thing for him, but it's better that than drinking, being promiscuous, doing hard drugs, etc.
That said, your house, your rules. So if you don't want him smoking at home, don't let him smoke at home. My big thing would be driving. Driving under the influence of anything is a HUGE no no for me. HUGE. So I think it would be reasonable for you to take his car until there is some way to "insure" that he won't be getting high and driving home.
It's clear that, about this issue at least, your son has a bit of a different value set than you do. It's fine to be hurt about that, but just recognize that doesn't make him entirely "wrong."
Good luck.
I have been & still am in this situation with my son who is now 22. I think Kate B's answer makes ALOT of sense. I had a 'feeling' he was smoking pot early in high school, and he was busted smoking it in the basement not long after. I flipped. I bought a drug testing kit which confirmed it for us, I grounded him, took his car keys, you name it, I did it. You know what? He's now 22 and STILL smoking pot. He likes it, see's no problem with it, continues to do that & other drugs. It has affected his life tremendously, he has no ambition, no job, has stolen from every family member to buy drugs, he basically has no life, although he doesn't see a problem with his life. My advice, go to 'family counseling' and find out whats going on with him. We did counseling, but my ex didn't see this as a problem, so we didn't go until my son was 20, which was too late. This is a tough situation, but the lines of communication need to be opened up & it needs to be clear to him that smoking pot will have negative consequences on his life. Good luck to you & your family.
Sheesh...to all those who are all about giving permission, either out loud or tacitly....THIS IS STILL ILLEGAL. What part of that don't you understand? The "I did this as a kid and am ok OR I outgrew it OR what ever" is not a defense in court. And to those who think it is BETTER THAN something else...please get a reality check. Is cancer better than a heart attack or is multiple sclerosis better than a stroke? Please do not condem yourself for not knowing. I actually went to a counselor because everytime I went into my daughters room to talk to her after she had been out I had an asthma attack and I thought it was stress that brought it on. The counselor asked if this had ever happened before and I said only when I was younger and people were smoking pot at concerts. Duhhhh. Her friend was happily smoking in my daughter's room. My daughter claims she didn't but what do I know? I felt so stupid I cannot even tell you how much. You know what is best for your son and sometimes it takes coming down on them like the "Wrath of God" to make an impression on a 17 year old. When our children are 17 we are still responsible to take care of them to make sure they don't ruin their entire lives by one stupid moment or habit. If he is stopped by police for something else and he has pot on him or if he has an accident and pot is in his blood he will not be able to get all the benefits that should come to him the wonderful guy that he is (scholarships, good jobs, references...etc). Continue to do what you can to stop this habit. He will thank you later. God Bless
I feel for you, I likely wouldn't know either and wouldn't be sure how to react. You were given lots of great advice. I think it is a serious thing and should not be taken lightly. I would take away the keys completely for a few months, perhaps have him talk to a police officer, laywer or someone in authority to let him know the consequences of getting caught and the long term consequences as well.
***Adding This: Laurie A..... GREAT answer!
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... well when I was that age... that is what I did.
It was recreational....
Some will go on to harder drugs....
And by the way, my Dad... knew. His friends, who saw me out doing it (although I thought i was smart enough to hide), told him too.
So...
Your son says he plans to continue doing it.... and so he will.
Until he gets legally caught. But most people don't.
But if his source for it is under watch... he can get caught too, for buying.
He said he will continue doing it... it will be hard to stop him.
You could... just STOP supporting him... or doing things for him... take money/allowance of things away from him.
But if he's working, he has money of his own.
Maybe, make him, PAY you.... the amount he has spent on pot... and used it in your home.
Just grounding him.... ain't tough enough.
His friends can just bring it to him. In school.
Kids are smart.
I don't know how you can 'make' him stop....
What does your Husband say about it????
Has he researched... what pot does to the body???? Physically and cognitively??? Maybe, make him write you a report on it....
You told him not to do it under your roof. So he will do it outside the home... which increases his chances of getting caught/arrested... for using and having it....
Good for you for taking his keys away. I am attaching a link to a story about an accident that happened here over the summer where a young boy who was high missed a stop sign and killed a young mom who was jogging with her 2 babies. I am sure this kid probably was as blase about it as your son is and now his life and the lives of a young family are irrevocably changed forever because of this 'harmless' habit.
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/10181/1069251-55.stm
Smoking pot is a symptom of something else, just as if you had found out he had a stash of alcohol in the basement, or worse. More importantly, how is your relationship with him and how is he doing in school? Who are his friends, and what ambitions do they, and he, have for after high school? One of the worst effects of pot is how it can drain the ambition from a person. It doesn't cause the violent or risky behavior that is caused by alcohol or other drugs. And it doesn't lead to other harder drug use (this has been shown by repeated studies). Smoking or having smoked pot is not illegal, but possession of pot is.
(Don't think that I believe pot is a good thing as my ex smoked up to 5 times/day at his worst, and smoked for close to 30 years, and and the effects of this were a big part of why we are now divorced).
Pot is said not to be physically addicting, but overuse over time leads to withdrawal symptoms. It can be psychologically addicting for some.
Because our society has decided that alcohol is legal, but pot isn't, it comes with other dangers, including interacting with people who are making money selling the stuff. Having a drug conviction can make college acceptance difficult, getting a student loan impossible, getting a decent job challenging. Your son needs to focus on what he wants in his life and understand the risk he's taking of ruining those plans.
I would focus on the risks of the behavior, not the drug itself. As a smart kid can argue that pot is less harmful than alcohol, etc. and he would have a valid point.
Doesn't it drive you crazy when you miss something right under your nose? Argh!!! We have all been there, don't beat yourself up!
Needless to say, I would probably take your punishment a step further. I would not let him drive a car even to school until I have had proof through drug testing for at least 3 months that he is clean. I can tell you right now, the second he leaves for school in that car he will pull over somewhere and get stoned before and after school. Don't trust him for a moment.
I also would cut all communication from the outside world with him outside of going to school until he proves for a length of time that he is clean.
You can get your kids tested for pot or anything else easily and as often as you want. Me personally I would do it often. I know society today seems to downgrade pot smoking and now where I live we actually have dispensaries for medical marajuana all over the place. I could go on for hours on how stupid that is working out. Yet regardless of how minimal everyone seems to think it is, including your son, it is illegal and as a family you can get in HUGE trouble just having it in your house let alone being responsible for a minor carrying it around.
IT IS JUST NOT WORTH IT, but I obviously do not have to tell you that.
In short, all privileges over, no phone, no internet, no going out, no driving - period!
Drug tests at least twice per month and lessen as he proves he is sober.
This is your house and your son you are protecting, do not take it lightly! He will hate you for it now, you will hate you because it is a pain in the rear to have to monitor all this but you will not regret it in the long run.
Tell your son that as soon as he lives entirely on his own, you will drop it, but for now, it is your house, your rules, and pot is a NO GO!
Good luck girl!
Others have given you some good suggestions. I agree with the keeping the car keys. Counseling is a good idea if he will cooperate.
Pot is not physically addictive but a person can be psychologically dependent. It also takes a long time to get out of your system (can show up in a drug test for 2-4 weeks depending on the amount of use). Can you convince him to try giving it up for 2 weeks or more and see if he can notice the difference. I had friends who smoked in high school and gave it up in college and said they noticed their thinking was fuzzy for as much as 2 weeks after. I don't have personal experience myself.
Take the car completely away from him-a big boy-older that you son-hit a mother and two babies while she was pushing them in a stroller-the children lived-but she died the next day. He had been smoking pot-pot is dangerous and destructive-it starts by destroying one's initiative-if it didn't have an effect-the kids wouldn't do it. It is strong and dangerous and you never know what is in it-it is often laced with PCP-it is illegal-it is more damaging than cigarettes-ask someone I know of who can not longer lie down to sleep and suffers from emphysema-his skin color is purple-every cell in his body is crying out for oxygen-one of his friends-also a pothead- had half of his face removed because of cancer-you think I'm making this #$%^ up? Hop on the internet with your son-and show him the facts-not pretty. I am praying for you and an entire generation-I find it amazing what a nation will tolerate when it comes to youth. You are not alone-this is hard-take all his possessions away -everything that means anything to him. Don't give him money-don't let him drive-search his room everyday-clearing it out will make it simple. Don't let him wear you down-you have to win this one. Pot is not benign-and I don't give a rats *&^% if everyone does it-it is wrong and foolish and ridiculous to believe that it's ok. Sorry for the bad language-this really upsets me-Good luck and God bless you and your precious son-the one you gave birth to and had all the dreams for-even before he was born. Also-that is a tough area-my kids grew up in Potomac-don't ask-it was hell-kids and cash and cars-whatever.
wow, entertaining responses here. i'm a little shocked with the "i did it and i'm fine" responses.
zz, i'm glad you are taking this seriously and want to do something about it. yeah, some smoke pot and it doesn't negatively impact them that much but some truly have the gateway drug experience and get into harder stuff- that was the friends of mine in high school- a lot of bad stuff. for those who think it's no big deal, what if your good son who goes to buy some innocent pot and another druggie wants his pot and money and car and everything else- yeah, not a good situation.
i recommend you take a close look at his friends as well. this doesn't start by yourself like you're just hanging out and think, i want to try to smoke some pot.
i would be PISSED if my son was so as a matter of fact about it and says he wants to keep doing it. talk to a professional (counselor) and hopefully you guys can get some help.
good luck!
