My Mother-In-Law...Am I Overreacting?

Let me tell ya, My husband and I have lived with my parents (6mon), then we lived with his dad and step-mom (6mon), then years later his dad and step-mom lived with us for one year,
then my parents for 2 yrs lived with us. We moved here from CA to be close to his family then mine followed to be close to kids. But when we got in to town we stayed with his real mom for a month while I was 7mon prego, let me tell ya, its amazing any of my in-laws speak to me! It is hard!
Heres the thing, your home is your castle, your mom-in-law, may think she's helping you, but what she is doing is putting herself into your throne, making herself in charge. You need to tell your husband to back you up, no matter what! Maybe she is bored, if she wants to so something give her a project to do to make her feel important and make it useful to you! No, you are not overreacting! Stand up for yourself!

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You got some really great responses .. so I won't reiterate them. I am really wondering how she had so much time alone to move a fridge. SO, plan activities with her during the visit. Perhaps organize something where you can get her input. I know so much seems like meddling and it usually is, but somethings you need a project to get engaged in with MIL. By chance was she taking care of your kids and that's why she had so much time? Then consider not using her for that sort of thing.
Best of luck!

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it's your house. Would you "re-arrange" her house? Next time you go there switch something around and tell her the same thing.........see how that goes over!

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Hi M., Well it is sad that Mil's can be this way, but your not the only one with these things happening. No, you are not overreacting! It is you and your husband's home, not hers. Your husband needs to stay with you, he probably doesn't want any confretation with her. But he left her for you. I say that because the bible tells us,'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'. Hopefully if he really was saying that just to make his Mother feel better, than he needs to learn thats not right.

I do say this with experience and after I confronted my DH and MIL things got better. I do not coddle her nor does my husband anymore. She still gets it from other children, but not us. What she has done is wrong and she should know it, stand firm. Be praying for you.

God Speed with the situation, R.

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I don't understand. How was she allowed that much time alone to change and move that fridge? Did she clean them out and move it by herself? How is she allowed that much time in your home w/o checking to see what she is doing? It is rude to do that kind of stuff. Its your home not hers. You need to tell her as she starts these things and nip them in the bud. Good luck, but stand your ground....

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You are lucky you are so tactful. If my MIL did something like that, I would have lost it. You are absolutely not overreacting. To me, MIL do these things to assert some sort of dominance in the home. Or it is a passive aggressive thing for taking thier son away. Anyway, you are not crazy at all, but you do have to tread lightly in these situations. Early in my marriage, my MIL decided to buy us a coffee table. I had no say in the thing and I thought it was hidious. I was unable to hide my annoyance when she brought the thing to my house, and, long story short, we had a few weeks of very uncomforable dealings (she was my child care provider at the time). It ended in a huge yelling crying fight, but in the end we all developed a better relationship and have better boundaries as well. I hope you can manage your situation without all the drama. Good luck.

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nope thats just rude, and asking for trouble - is she crazy lol, you cant go into your dil's house and change her stuff around

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No, your not over-reacting. It is your home, and as I say in my home...If I clean it it's mine. So, like everything else, if you clean the fridge, it's your choice.
Hows this one....My MIL came to visit one day and brought me gifts...all cleaning supplies. I am by far not messy , actually the opposite, I have OCD. So I asked her if my home was not clean enough, she said, oh no honey, it's just that...C@@@s (my husband) is used to these cleaning things, he likes the smell.
I told her that he hasn't been at home for 10 years and he has adjusted pretty well, he has no lasting trauma's from the "smell" of MY cleaning products.
Take a deep breath, and let he know next time that she can take you shopping for a new fridge that she can pay for, but you get final say-so...LOL Best of luck....at least she will go home sooner or later. I moved 3,000 miles away from mine. LOL

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I say go over to the mother in laws house and change it all around. Then maybe she will see where you are coming from.

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uh, yeah, that's just rude! she might have good intentions but your hubby needs to make it crystal clear that YOU are the one in charge of your household and that your MIL has no place re-arranging your things!

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I'm not the one who should be giving advice, I wrote in about my MIL just the other week, but you should go look at the comments that people left me. They were great! I would just tell her firmly but kindly that you feel very irritated when people come in to YOUR home and start messing with YOUR stuff, and would she please stop. I had a friend who's mom would come in and reorganize her underwear drawer. She told her that next time she could stay in a motel when she came to visit. Good Luck!

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I am a mother-in-law and I would never think of doing this at all. You certainly are not over reacting as this is your home. Now I do know that I recently decorated my granddaughter's bedroom and set up the living room for my daughter's house that she just bought but that is only because she asked me if I wouldn't mind doing it. Your mother in law should really not say anything about how your house is set up and should only make suggestions if she is asked. I certainly wouldn't want someone to come in my house and change it around without my permission. Shame on your husband for not standing up for you. I realize it is his mother, but him simply telling her that moving things around is inappropriate without consulting you first and reminding her that she would not like someone to do that to her. He needs to do this or the mother-in-law will continue to think she can get away with this. She will listen to her son but apparently not to you. Good Luck.

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The mil is wrong, but I would not give her the satisfaction of getting upset, especially not fighting with your husband about it. I would totally do something off the beat and say "oh thank you for moving the frig...I hadn't gotten around to it..." then just move it back when she's gone.

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Yep, it's rude! While she may mean well on the outside, on the inside she's might be doing it to prove she still has a voice in her baby boy's life. I guess it depends on how she is the rest of the time as to how harshly you deal with her. Is she is one of the self involved controlling types or just the typical empty nester who just loves TOO much? If her heart is in the right place you don't want to hurt her feelings. But if she's doing it to gain control than you have to nip that in the bud now. But either way, you've already had 10 years of her in your life so stopping it is going to be almost impossible without the help and support of your husband. He's the one that is going to have to deal with her. Just remember, he lives with you, not his mom. After she leaves he still has to listen to your unhappiness about it. And if he doesn't want to hear it non-stop then he needs to be your MAN and not his mom's baby boy and do something about it.

That's my politically correct public advice but if she was driving me crazy what I would do is this: If she is just the empty nester and is really trying to do what she thinks would be helpful than maybe there is a good compromise that you and your MIL can come up with that will open the lines of communication. For example, she can feel free to voice her opinions and you can promise to listen to them. But she always has to talk to you first about it before just doing it. If she's this opinionated about where things are in your house than you can bet she likes things "just the way they are" at hers. Ask her if she would like it if you came to her house and decided she needed her kitchen cabinets rearranged and how she would like it if you did that without consulting her. On the other hand, listen to her. Maybe she might come up with a good idea or at least something simple to change back later that can appease her need to fix things. This way, when it comes to the larger things, like HUGE refrigerators, she might see your reasonings as to why you want it where it belongs.

If she's not just missing her little boy and is just trying to manipulate you, you can always start "fixing" stuff for her. Start with rearranging where she puts her car keys in her purse. I'm not talking eye for an eye, because that would be wrong, but she might get the message when she hears you say, after she's been looking for them for a while or wondering why they aren't where she left them, you thought they would be better kept in a different pocket.

Just try to keep a sense of humor with it and you may find you won't get as annoyed.

Good luck!
Jen (daughter in-law to a lunatic with a big heart and WAY too much time on her hands)
http://www.mommysjoy.com

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Not at all!! Tell your hubby how would he like it if your dad came over and did some of the things around the house he's supposed to do!! lol! No big deal, right?? Lay down the law with MIL...your house, your rules!

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You are not overreacting - and to be frank, your husband needs to grow some spine where his mother is concerned. She is GROSSLY overstepping any and all appropriate bounds of behavior. It's your house, you and your husband are both adults, and she is a freaking guest. You need to find someone your husband respects to explain to him exactly why his mother's behavior is so wrong. Though, your word should be enough in my opinion.

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Hi M.
You are totally right- and it is a big deal- or would be in my home- there are some things you just do not do in some else's home and changing fridges is one of them.....hang in there- be patient with her but still stay firm....
Good luck and blessings

Oh how I feel your pain. I had to deal with that for 15 years from changing the furniture around, decorating my kids room, re-doing my jewlry box, to re-arranging the drawers. It drove me crazy. I tried so hard to be patient and ask her not to do that to talk to me instead and it would get better for a while and then BAM it would happen again. It finally stopped when my then Husband didn't like how his things were arranged.

If talking to your MIL doesn't work go back to your husband. My MIL meant no harm but it was intrusive and rude. Hope it works out

No you are not overreacting. My husband and I had both agreed to handle issues when it comes to our respective Moms, he to his and me to mine. However, like yours, husband was very nonchalant at first to a lot of the issues that I find troubling. I finally informed him that I since I expect certain behavior from my own mother, I will do the same with his. It was rough at first when we decided to set clear boundaries, and yes, we may have offended them. However, both got over it and now is somewhat respectful of our boundaries. You won't know unless you voice your concerns and do something about it. I know that there are some truth in what Ruth said, however, some MIL will take subtle hints while others are deaf, blind, and dumb to them.

I am comment 56, you have definitely struck a chord with many people on here!

You are not overreacting and your husband is being a wuss not wanting to cause friction with his mom. This woman needs to be put in her place. It is your house. Tell her point blank to stop and if she finds your house so unappealing she can stay in a motel the next time she comes to visit.

Or, whey y'all go visit her, do the same to her. Give her a taste of her own medicine! I would have a fit. I have my stuff the way I want it, not the way someone else wants it.

That is DEFINITLY rude! I wonder how she'd feel if you did that to her. If you did & she said something against it, then I'd point out that's what she does to you. It may sound a bit childish to do but sometimes that's what's needed to get a point across. Good luck!

My advice is to have your hubby talk to her. She will be much more receptive and forgiving if it is coming from him (b/c she is his mother). From experience, don't tackle it on your own. You will become the evil DIL - lol!

You are not crazy--
I had that same situation this Christmas. I, lovely told her "this is my house" and that is the way I do things. My Husband had to tell her as well while I was shopping, she wanted to so something with the dishes.
I have been married 22 years and in the begining it was the same as with your Husband--mine would not say a word to his Mom--and after many talks he decided I was right.
There is something between a Man/Boy and his Mom. As I told my niece remember all of this because you have a boy too and he will take a wife someday.

Understand completely

Hi M.,

Apparently your MIL doesn't seem to understand boundaries and thinks that she can take liberties in your home w/o your consideration. Perhaps it's time to have a little heart-to-heart with her. She may be a control freak, she may have unexpressed issues with you, she may just be acting out. Whatever the reason, it's prudent for you to address it w/her w/o malice or anger. You might begin by saying that you appreciate her views and would like to engage in conversation about it w/o being on the defensive. After all, she may have some great suggestions. However, the final determination is yours. If you agree, you might engage her to help you with making that change. That may be a way for her to feel validated and useful.

The other emphasis should be respecting boundaries and putting this "rearranging things" in view of what if you came into her home and did that -- how would she feel? Perhaps she never looked at it that way.

Being a designer, I can make those suggestions, but even with my closest friends, I would never rearrange things w/o their approval, unless and until they gave me permission and liberty to do so. She may feel like she has "rights" to do this, albeit misplaced. Since this is not the first time she has done this, it's obviously something she thinks is okay. this is her pattern of practice with you, and if you've been silent up to this point, she has interpreted your silence as approval.

Stand up to her but in a kind and loving manner, with discussion, asking her to tell you how she feels, and inquire if there is something she wants to talk about (that probably has nothing to do with rearranging furniture). Try not to be defensive (I know it may be difficult since you are probably pretty angry already). And even if you don't agree with her, show her love and respect, if only because she is your MIL, but moreover, she's a woman -- one you could probably find something/s to relate to.

Best wishes to you. Also, if you get to the part where you two do rearranging together, get a couple of decorating books and decide on a project; do it together. It will draw you closer and can make for a real win-win situation.

aly chapman
cogent concepts design

You are not overreacting. It's rude to go into someone else's home and "fix" things. It's also very controlling and shows a tremendous lack of respect. I am thinking the only thing that needs to be "fixed" is your mother-in-law's manners!

Hi M.!

You are so not overreacting. I would be very upset. I used to be in the same situation except it wouldn't be changing things in my home, my mother in law would do it with my kids and I would get so upset. My husband would also not see it either. Until I had him put himself in my shoes and told him how much it bothered me and of course after a not so nice arguement he finally realized he was trying to make her happy and not step on her toes. He ended up talking to her and supported my feelings. Sometimes are men have a hard time cutting the purse strings. I think you are doing the right thing by letting her know how you feel and not just letting her have her way. Good luck. Be strong and hold you're grown. But I for sure don't think you are overreacting!!!!
M. B

I don't think you are crazy at all!!! But if you want to keep the peace, let her do it. Then when she leaves make your husband put it back to the way it was. Maybe then he'll have a talk with his mom about it. I think it is always easier to have your husband deal with his parents and you deal with yours. Good Luck!!

NO! You are definitely not overreacting. My ex-MIL had a key to our house - not my idea - and I've come home to new drapes (I liked my old ones) different furniture, etc. It drove me crazy and my ex thought she was being nice so he was no help. Your husband is going to have to back you up on this. I would go so far as to tell her that you love having her visit, but if she's going to keep rearranging your house, those visits are going to have to stop. You shouldn't have to put up with this to keep the peace. It's a power struggle and she doesn't get to win those on your turf. Sorry if this sounds ugly, but she is insulting you in your home and that is unacceptable.

Take some time to calm down. Once you're calm and can give her benefit of the doubt (like she's not really that evil, just different than you), then you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. If you don't mind suggestions, tell her so. But, insist that she doesn't do this when in your home. If that doesn't work - start doing it in her home and see how she likes it. But, talk to her first. I have the same issues with my husband, and for the times that he doesn't side with me against his mother it is because he either agrees with her or doesn't want that particular battle. So, I'm not defending him; I'm usually furious at mine during those times. Just helping try to explain his point of view. If he won't stand against this, you have to. That is unbelievably crazy!!! Now, not allowing her over again because she put away your underwear? That's overreacting. She was just trying to be nice. I would just ask her not to next time.

Yes I do think it is rude to not consult you. This is your home and it is the way you like it not the way she likes it obviously. Stand your ground

I'd be pissed. Next time you are at her house, you should move some furniture around. Maybe she will get it then. My MIL was babysitting once and decided to take laundry out of the my dryer and put it away. Including my underwear in my drawers. I'm still pissed. I would never let her babysit in my home again.

Ever seen Everybody Loves Raymond? Ha ha! Sounds just like the mother-in-law in that show! :-) I can see how that would annoy you and it would be even more annoying to have your hubby say it was no big deal. I'd want my hubby on my side! I don't think you overreacted. I hope that she'll get the picture and actually ask you before changing things up in your home again. As for me, my MIL is out of state. Whew! However, my own mom is there for me. Yeah, to tell me how dirty the house is, how my son needs a haircut, my baby's nails need trimming, and maybe he needs a bottle (I'm breastfeeding!), etc. Ugh. Anyway, wish you luck! :-)

OMG NO you aren't overreacting. If my MIL did tha I would be LIVID!!! Shes tried to control smaller things before and I put my foot down on that a long time ago. I would sit down with her (again) and tell her the way it is, and that if she is to be welcomed in YOUR home, she needs to follow YOUR rules! Good luck!

Nooo, you're not overreacting, it is YOUR house not hers. She needs to leave your stuff alone. An opinion is one thing but to move things without your permission.... how would she like if you came and did the same with her house??
Hope it all works out.
Blessings,
D.

It was over the line. My husband and I always say when our kids complain about something in the house "who pay da bills? We pay da bills!" It will get the message across. If not you are going to have to come right out and tell her to please stop.

Also, talk to your husband. Tell him that you don't like it and that even if he doesn't understand he should understand that it matters to you and ask his mother to stop. Good luck.

Lord, don't get me started! My own mother is the same way! My husband and I moved her into our home for 5 years after she had a disabling car wreck. My mother is a clean freak and her idea of "cleaning" is moving furniture to clean underneath it and then it gets moved into a "better" spot. We would have yelling crying screaming matches between the 3 of us and she would swear she'd never touch anything in our house again. About a week later, she'd do it all over again. She always waits until we are gone to work or shopping to do these things. Now that we no longer live with her, we've had to tell her that she is no longer welcome in our home while we are not there. It's because she's bored. Leaving her with kids is not enough to keep her busy. She gets bored when they are watching cartoons or playing games and decides she needs to "clean". I know she means well but it has put a real strain on our relationship. My only suggestion is to keep her busy with other tasks that you approve of or getting her out of the house all together. Good luck and pray for patience, you're going to need it.

You are not overacting!!!! Your Mother in Law is NUTS!!! I am both a Mother and Mother in Law and I would never think of doing anything like that in any of my children's houses... Nor would my Mother or Mother in Law ever have even thought of doing anything like that in my house..

Our son and daughter-in-law live very near and we frequently puppy sit while they are out of town... but I try and leave their home just like it was when they left......except that I usually do up any dirty dishes that they did not get done before their trip..... and if they are gone for a week or so.. will vacuum and pick up the puppy's messes from the yard...... But I certainly would never move a refrigerator or any other piece of furniture... unless it happened to be a chair and then I would move it back (ie chair around the table over to where there is more light when I am sewing up the puppies toys.......which my son and daughter in law always give to me when ripped so I can fix them)

Will pray that your husband wakes up and has a talk with her. Or that you find a diplomatic way to suggest to her that this is your home...and please leave things where they are....... You don't go to her house and rearrange it, do you??

No you are not over reacting! You should tell your husband "you're right it's no big deal, it's just a fridge that needs to stay right where it is!"

I think you handled it well. Just keep standing your ground. A heart to heart may work, but if she is like I think she is you could talk until your blue in the face and it won't due a thing. Instead actions speak louder than words. Just stand your ground and let her know it's your house and you get to decide how it's set up!

Hang in there!! I'm sure things will mellow out in time!

No, of course you aren't crazy or over-reacting to have refrigerators moved around in your house without your knowledge!! How on earth is she MOVING REFRIGERATORS, though? Is she also preternaturally strong, as well as preternaturally rude? Clearly your husband isn't going to run defense for you (she didn't check with him first, did she? If so, it seems to me that's a different sort of problem than if she tried to swop refrigerators with no input from either of you), so you will have to maintain your own boundaries with her and with him. I know that this can be done, but I know it will be hard given how invasive this woman is. The problem is that she is oblivious to normal boundaries -- she doesn't realize that when one is in another person's home, one can't move their stuff around without asking. That's a big thing not to know! Other boundaries might be more subtle -- how much we talk, how much we touch other people, how intensely we feel when someone disagrees with us or sees things differently. But it is very unusual for an adult not to understand that you cannot, without asking, physically rearrange major appliances in another person's house. Yikes! I have two different ideas -- one is the form of communication called "computer mode" where you just come up with a simple statement and repeat as needed -- you'll need to do it with both your husband and his mother. Something like "this is my house, and I need to give permission before anything is rearranged." Don't get into the specifics of that particular refrigerator, lamp or television set and its advantages or disadvantages, or get distracted by accusations that you are being unreasonable. Just return as needed to whatever simple statement of general principle you choose. Whatever you say, don't say it angrily and don't whine, just make it a neutral statement of fact. You may be surprised at how this clears things up. If not, move whatever she moves back and find a polite way to say that you've enjoyed her visit but you'll need to cut it short this time.

The other idea I have is to read Miss Manners columns, which are full of good advice about how to response with poise and dignity to all kinds of strange behavior -- I love her!

All the best,
M.

Hi M.,
Your MIL has control issues. It is inappropriate for her to make changes to your home without your agreement. Your husband doesn't see anything wrong with it because it's His mother. If Your mother were to do the like, his vision would not be so impaired. See a therapist, minister or other. They will enlighten him. In my experience your husband would be more receptive to a male counselor. Stop this cycle or it could continue for years, like mine did.
Peace, C.

M.-
I am with you, I think it is rude. That is your house not hers to change. Sorry you are having to go through this.
Mel G

When is she going back home? You poor thing. I agree with Michelle in her response. I understand the courtesy to the mother-in-law, after all she did raise the husband you have and if you are with him still then she did a good job. However, there is such a thing as boundaries. She must respect them and remember, she is just visiting... patience and tolerance along with a dose of firmness goes a long way.

Good Morning M.,
I think you are 100% correct. When you told her if she had any SUGGESTIONS, she could voice them & you would consider it, you were very "matter of fact" about your feelings of her fixing your house to her standards. Even though your mother n law may not feel she is being rude, SHE IS!! Im sure she wouldn't enjoy you going to her house & reaarange & swap out her items in her home. Maybe you could suggest to her if she wants to change out anything else, she can take you shopping & let YOU pick out brand new items & she can pay for them ;)(just kidding) Every woman has her own way in her own home & it is intrusion for any person to come in & "fix" things without you asking for thier help in fixing anything. Sorry, but that really is unexceptable. You handled it much better than I would have by telling her you would consider any suggestions she might have. Hopefully since you put your foot down with the fridge she won't feel so free do this to you anymore. If she does, you might need a heart to heart talk & tell her you appreciate her trying to help, but your home is decorated & furnished just the way you want it & if you have any changes to be made & ever need her help or advise in doing so.....you will ask for it. Good Luck!!

You are definately NOT overreacting!!! Good for you for standing your ground, and continue to do so or it sounds like she is the type that will walk all over you if you don't.

Good Luck!!

Yes, it's rude, and no, you are not overreacting. It sounds like your husband needs to look at the situation more closely, and perhaps needs to speak to his mommy. It's NOT just a fridge. I would be livid that my MIL was planning on switching out my fridges without even discussing it with me. Talk to your husband and try to make him see your point. How would he feel if your father came in and fixed everything that needed fixing, or decided your mailbox needed to be different or whatever it is that your husband would care about and not want his FIL interfering with. Make him see your point and ask him to talk to his mother. Coming from you she is not going to change. Coming from her son, she might see reason.

Oh. My. Goodness. Now that I've picked my jaw up off the floor, I can respond!

First of all, be firm and direct with your MIL. "I appreciate that we're close enough that you feel you can share your opinion with me, however this is the fridge that I want in my kitchen." Don't waver, and don't show fear! They prey on fear! LOL!

Second, regarding your husband: Would he let your children make those adjustments without your approval? Hell no! If he would agree that you should put on a united front with your children, then you should also put on a united front with your other family members. At the end of the day, it's you and he who have to face each other. At the end of the MIL's visit, it'll be you and he who have to live together. (Plus the kiddos, but you know what I mean!)

Good luck, girl. I feel for ya!

P.S., I've thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone else's in-laws horror stories too! : )

No! You are not over-reacting!! Have you confronted her about changing things in your home? WOW. I had a mom-in-law at one time (Later divorced) that would do the same...she was extremely controlling and thought what I did was not good enough for her "little baby"...I should have known when she was still cutting his spaghetti up for him when I would go over for dinner while we were in high school!!! LOL (True story though!)I look back, and realize he brought much of it on since every time things did not go his way, he ran to her to talk about OUR problems...(a huge mistake in any marriage!) If I was not home, she would proceed to clean the house - not necessarily a bad thing, but something I want to do on my own)- move furniture, etc. It was frustrating!

So, to answer your question, yes it IS rude...but I would simply ask her WHY she wanted to change the refrigerators around...let her know that you chose which one you wanted to have inside the house and you want to keep it that way. I am not sure how long you have been married, but the sooner you put your "two cents" in and speak your mind, the better. She will eventually get your point. As for your husband, he should back you up on your decision and NOT back up his Mom...after all, you are his wife and his partner. Let him know its not the fact that the refrigerator is being moved, its the idea that his MOTHER is the one who made the decision....that is your home and your domain!

Good luck- I am sure you can get this resolved with a little discussion with your Mom-in-law. :-)

Hi M.. I am going to be blunt. Can you say that your MIL has a control issue and your husband is afraid to speak up in his own home. I think you are on the right track. If your MIL wants to change things I would suggest that she start in her own home and keep it there. Good luck. You and your husband need to sit down and have a good chat as to whose house this is.

L.

Well, changing appliances are a big deal. How did she move it on her own? And honestly, your husband's response seems so subdued... Are you sure she didn't mention the idea to him beforehand? Maybe he said 'sure' and no one let you in on the plan...

I don't think you are over reacting at all. Your husband is used to his mom and won't ever see it clearly as you do. Just a thought you could always go to her house to visit and do a little rearranging yourself! lol!!!!!

I'd be pissed. That is rude and totally not her place to do something like that. The nerve of some people!!!

Your mother-in-law is out of line and your husband is not only not responding to your wishes and needs, he is still afraid of her. She probably ran the household with a strong hand and he is still bending under it. If you and your husband put the fridge where you wanted it, there it should stay. She does not have the right to come in and re-arrange anything. I had that same problem with my mother once regarding the placement of a chair. We lived out of town and each time she'ed come to visit, she would change the chair's position. I never said anything, I just changed it back when she left. She finally got the idea and stopped. Later, if and when she made suggestions, If I liked what she suggested, I changed whatever it was, but if I didn't, I just said no, I like it this way whether it looks right or not. What is your mother-in-law's home life like? Does she live along? Maybe she just doesn't have enough to do and wants to be a part of your family. Ask for her input sometimes on minor things that really don't make much difference. If you take it, it'll make her happy, and if you don't, then at least you asked.

Oh good luck with that. Its not "just a fridge", and your husband needs to get behind you and back you up. The next time she comes (and I'm proud of you for letting her visit at all) you need to be sure he'll back you up and BOTH of you have a talk with her about this. Or just let him do it, might be even better.
Do you ever go to her house? Try moving around some knicknacks and rearrange the furniture.
This is all about control. You and your husband must make it very clear that you have the control in your house, not her. She's a very welcome VISITOR, not boss.
Start with praise, "We appreciate your interest in making us more comfortable", and end with praise.

You are not overreacting. She really has no right to rearrange your house -- it's your house after all. I didn't read all the responses, too many to read, but I imagine most people said you need to stand your ground and make your husband stick up for you. While you might be right, there are more important things in life than being right, such as having a good relationship with those you love. I have had this same issue, only with my mom, not my MIL. It drove me crazy for years, and was a source of many arguments and stress, and lost opportunities to enjoy each others company. I have come to the conclusion, based on my experience, that it is not worth fighting over it. You can choose to respond differently. She's only visiting for a week. If she wants to move the furniture, let her. The day she leaves, move it back where you want it. Everybody is happy. The next time she comes, if she asks what happened to the furniture, tell her you wanted to try a new arrangement. Keep in mind, she may be doing this specifically to get under your skin and assert her position in your husband's life. He chose you -- however he deals with his mother doesn't change the fact that you are number one in his life. Good luck!

Morning!

You are not overreacting at all, it's YOUR house. You have told her nicely and your husband, so next just tell her that if she can't stop changing things then when she visits she can get a hotel. Stand your ground and just know that your husband most of the time with this issue will be blind and dumb to the issues...they don't see anything wrong, it's just mom being mom. Don't bother him with it, talk to her directly. Let her know you love her visiting but it just has to stop, she might not be aware of her action to the fullest.

Good Luck!

Hi, M.,
I don't think you're overreacting. It is your house, not your MIL's, so it should be like YOU like it. Also, moving refrigerators around isn't just like switching two coffee table books. It is a lot of work. I would kindly tell my husband, since "he doesn't understand why it's such a big deal- it's just a fridge", that he should tell his mom exactly that - that it isn't a big deal, it is just a fridge, so leave it alone!

Good luck!

You are not crazy. You need to stand up to your husband and mother in law about this one. You cannot allow her to be so intrusive and controlling. Luckily, my mother in law has turned out to be great and has never intruded in that manner. I work hard as a mother in law now myself , so that I will never be intrusive in that manner. As a result, my daughter in law has a good relationship with me and she is a second daughter to me. However, I have had to bite my tongue in several instances and not voice opinions because they would be taken the wrong way. I only give advice when asked and carefully at that. I do not know if this is any help except for you to point out to your mother in law that you love her, but you want to run your own household and get her advice only when you aske for it. Love, J. K

It's called "common courtesy".
Tell you husband to tell his mother, "Mom, if you
want to rearrange something in my home, my tools in the
garage need attention."

you're on the right track. Mother in law is out of line!

No you are not overreacting...She can suggest but not "fix" things. We are all diferent and like other things. It ok do what I do let her have her way and after she goes home everything goes back to normal. ( I have a mother-in-law like that)

Hi my name is N. and I've been married for 28 years. Yes M. you have to stand your ground, husbands don't like to interfere, so you're doing fine by telling her to tell you and maybe just maybe you'll think about it. Don't let her put that old fridge into your kitchen. Tell her she's here to visit not to redo your house. And be firm. Good luck it worked for me.

She is RUDE! I suggest a sit down between you and her, and explain to her that you appreciate her concern, but you have everything the way it is for a purpose, and that it is hurtful when she tries to change it. When it is out in the open, it may be easier to deal with, and if not, you can say you tried when/if things get ugly.. you have my sympathy b/c I deal with a MIL situation also.

No you are NOT over reacting. Your home/kitchen is just that. YOUR home/kitchen.

Sit your husband and his mother down & have a heart to heart with them. Tell your MIL that you don't think she'd appreciate it if every time you came to her house you changed things like that without her permission. Tell your husband that you don't think he'd like it if your mother re-arranged his drawers or changed something. They both need to put themselves in your shoes for 10 minutes.

Tell the MIL that if she wants to help she can "you give her a chore" but that changing things without your approval is rude and inconsiderate.

If you can accomplish that without pitching a fit, you're a better woman than me. I'd have gone postal about the ice box. If you wanted the ice box from the garage, it stands to reason you'd have it in your kitchen. That's down right rude if you ask me.

Stand your ground now or you'll be in for many years of this MIL thinking she's smarter than you about how you run YOUR home.

A little about me: I took care of my elderly ex mother in law for 7 yrs and 5 yrs of that was after the divorce. I cherish her memory. Then I got stuck for 15 yrs with a MIL that didn't like me until it was too late.

That is very bizarre! It's the kind of crazy MIL story you'll really be able to contribute with at a party! I'd be annoyed too. It's your house, not hers.

M.,
I'm so glad to see that you posted this. Now I know that I'm not alone, and that I'm not crazy. I don't have a mother in law like this. Actually, it's my mother who acts like this. She decided, the last time she was here, that it was okay to clean out my pantry without consulting me first. I caught her throwing away things that were none of her business to throw away. It's not like we have weevles in our food or anything. She could have helped with a number of things around the house, and she chose to pick the pantry (which was not at all a high priority). Some mothers just don't know when to cut the apron strings. I'm hoping your husband wakes up and sees what she's doing, so that he can cut them for her. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you. I'm glad to see someone on here that I can comisserate with. : )

OMG! My mother-in-law just left on sunday and i'm still finding stuff in the strangest places. she rearranged my whole kitchen. if she had tried to move my fridge, i probably would have killed her. my husband and i both just bit our tongues until they left, or would move things back after she was done. but the fridge thing, i would put my foot down and just say absolutely not!

You're not overreacting. You need to set some boundaries with your mother-in-law, and you need your husband on your side.

(And, this puts my own boundary issues with my mother-in-law in perspective. I'm very sorry it's that extreme in your case.)

I doubt you'll find anyone of sane mind who does not agree with you. She is WAY out of line.

In answer to your question- yes it is rude and inconsiderate but being right can cost you too much so I recommend that you just love them. It is not worth it to take this personally. The price is too high. I am a Mother-In-Law and I have a tendency to want to 'fix' things. I periodically ask my Daughter-in-Law to tell me if I'm overstepping my boundries. I also had a Mother-In-Law and Mother who had very little interest anything in my life. To this day, I wish we had had better relationships. They have both passed on. My personal opinion is you should tell your Mother-In-Law as lovingly as possible that she should ask first before changing things. You should also be grateful you have someone interested enough to participate in your life (even if you don't want it). Think about what she is good at and ask her to help you with something in your life you don't have time to do (like organize the kids rooms). If she steps over the boundries treat her like you would treat your own children (whom you love unconditionally) keep an open mind/heart, give her a hug, tell her thank-you, tell her the truth if you don't like it, put it back the way you want it then steer her toward something that will keep her busy and help the family. Your husband should 'get' that your home is your turf and his Mom needs to be more considerate, but keep in mind that it is his Mom and she has played that role all his life. Tell him how you feel, give him a hug and get over it. Someday they might get it but then again they might not. Love them through it. Learn from this experience so you can be a better Mother-in Law. Your time is coming!

I dont think ur overreacting. If my mother-in-law did that at my house, i know i would not have had the restraint u have had. Im very outspoken and if something hapens that im not happy about i dont stop to worry if it upsets the person im having problems with. im not rude but i wont sit by while stuff happens that i dont like, especially if it happens in my house. tell her to stop and that ur not being rude but it has to end.

Yes it is rude! and your husband is a weenie for not supporting you and standing up to his mom. If she was going to buy you a new fridge let her but to just change things around because she likes it better the other way is way out of line. You told her and now she better listen.

You're not over reacting at all. Your mother-in-law is completely over stepping her bounds and disrespecting you and your marriage in the process. Your husband needs to step up--he doesn't have to get ugly with her, just tell her he appreciates her concern and her care, but that YOU are his wife, and it is YOUR house, that suggestions are always welcome, but don't take it the wrong way if you and your husband don't follow up on it. Some people are just that way--my great grandmother came for Christmas one year and totaly re-arranged my mother's kitchen (and this is her grandmother). Needless to say, it was a very tense Christmas.
Your Mother-in-law may never change, and she may have the best of intentions, but, you and your husband will have to set some ground rules and boundaries for her.

you're not overreacting at all. any comments about your home is personal and hard to take... i've been there. i just wanted to say that has hard as it is, to be very careful about how to handle this with your husband. i'm on the flip side and it's my mom who is hard to deal with, and my husband makes it very loud and clear that he can't stand her. he's told enough people that it's common knowledge and, as much as i know he's right, i also love her and owe a lot to her, so it's hard for me. i've asked him to keep his comments and venting to me to try to minimize the slander (ha) but i find myself defending her so it's not really helping like i thought it would. it makes me tense when they're together and i can't help but resent both a little (my mom for causing it, my hubby for not being more understanding) sorry i don't have any solutions, but just wanted to warn you to tread carefully! good luck. :)

I would tell her to go play musical refrigerators in her OWN house. This reminds me of mine is why I say that. She was feeding th pets while we were out of town and took our drapes down and had them cleaned and they shrunk to were they looked ugly and raveld so we had to get new ones. That was enough invasion for me...I cant imagine moving my refrigerators around.

No, you are not over reacting. Your husband needs to stand up and decide how's house it is. Hers or his. In his house she should not be going through things and changing anything, she is a guest there. She needs to remember that.
This is from another mother-in-law. I would never think of doing that to my daughter house, I even knock before going in.

Wow! It isn't you overreacting. I suggest spelling out boundries. Maybe having a lawyer draw something up. LOL. Really, no joke- you need to be crystal clear with MIL and DH.

same thing happens with mine... Im too flabbergasted to do anything to stop it, sometimes she comes over when we are not even home to put things in here!!!

My friend said, that means that she really likes you and feels comfortable enough with you to do that... ????? OK. Im flattered. Its nothing we cant toss out later...

she is definitely a control freak! Im not so whatever lady...

Both my parents and my inlaws try doing this. My MIL passed away. But my FIL says he is going to bring over things to clean our house. He always complains how dirty our dog is. And is constantly snubbing his nose at us. My mother is also constantly trying to re arange fruniture. My father just takes orders from my mom...which I quickly tell him he dosent have to do. I would suggest that you tell your MIL " cut that out! Put it back where we had it". If she objects or begins to tell you why she did this just cut her off and say uh nuh and no no no. I did this to my MIL and it seemed to work for the moment and not perminate. My husband is like yours where he dosent see the problem. If she is trying to help let her know that she is creating more work because as soon as she leaves your going to put the house back the way your family needs it to function. And it is totally completley rude. It would make me want to go to her house and just move stuff...heavy stuff around. But then it would sink to her level and only suggest that it truly is ok for her to move stuff. Good luck and God bless.

Yes it is rude. She has the say at her house and she should give you respect and dignity and let you be the woman at your house. Your husband needs to stand behind you on this one. She sounds over bearing something he's too used to, to even see it. She had her time raising her son to be a man. She needs to step back and only help you with things you consent to. I liked how you related to her that you'll consider any ideas. You handled it well. By the way I'm sure God had a really good reason why he had the writer in Hebrews speak of cleaving to your wife.

No way are you overreacting! I think she's being very rude pointing out what she doesn't like. There is no reason for you to even consider any suggestions she may have. It's your home and you can do whatever you choose to do with it, whether she likes it or not. If she doesn't like how you do things in your house, let her know she's more than welcome to stay home.

Does she live far away? if so, let her make the changes she wants. Then put it back the way you like it...
I have a mother in law who used to change things around, take my baby out of her crib, etc. I just let her enjoy the family. Then I was happy when she left so that I could fix it all the way I like it. If she lives nearby, you really need to sit with her and explain things since your husband doesn't think it's a big deal. You take care of it!

Ok,take a deep breath..and exhale..you are going to be a-okay!
NO! You are not over reacting! Girl, I have the exact same problem with my father in law, and my husband is the same non-shalont (sorry if it's spelled wrong!) way.."Oh it's no big deal, he's just trying to help.." it really does drive me nuts too... Good for you for standing up for yourself and keep on bugging your husband, i'm sure he gets frustrated when she does that just as you get frustrated. If she can't respect that this is YOUR house and not hers you really need to talk to her or have a heart to heart with her and your husband about the situation. THe worst thing you can do is just let it boil over and get mad and say something you will later regret! Good luck!

No way! A fridge matters. I would say if she continues to do things like this, just tell her as nicely as possible again that you have things the way you like them and want no changes unless she talks to you first. I think maybe your hubby didn't want to get involved because he feels he will end up in the middle, so if you can nip it in the bud, great. But if it continues, talk to him and just let him know that this stuff undermines the work and care you put into the house and you need him on your side. I am sure she is not doing this to intentionally undermine your authority but she cannot begin to make rules and change things at your house because things like that can fester and ultimately really damage relationships. Best wishes!

I have to agree with you. She's not the one living there and it's not her house. She needs to understand that yall don't have the same tastes. I think this is a way she can control the situation. Your husband needs to step up and tell his mother to leave things alone and that things are set up the way you and he like and that she needs to leave things alone. My MIL so far is just needy. Anytime we have something going on she needs my husband to drop what he's doing and drive to Fort Worth to help her with something. We are trying to move right now and were suppose to be doing it this weekend well surprise surprise she needs him up there to move things around. I can't get it through his head that I can't do this alone and need his help especially since I'm 7 mth pregnant. We are now having to put off another week until we move out unless I can round up my brother and his friends to come help. I definitely feel your pain. I'm still farely newly wed so I keep hoping that in time things will get better with the MIL issue but if you've been married 6 yrs I may be in for a long run of back and forth about this. Good Luck and I'll be praying for you.

Your mother-in-law is out of line. You are not overreacting. Your husband needs to put you and your feelings first. It sounds as if he has not severed the umbilical cord. If you really have talked to her one on one and she keeps doing these unwanted "fixes", then you need to have a very serious conversation with your husband about his support for you and your feelings. My husband and I have mentored couples about to get married. I think one of the biggest areas that can cause problems is the husband not wanting to step on his mother's feelings, nor realizing he is stepping on his wifes. Men have trouble growing up. May yoube successful in your efforts to stop her.

That is out of control and extremely rude. I would tell her to quit..and tell your husband that he needs to stick up for you. He chose you, he didn't choose his mother. haha. You are definitely NOT crazy! And this needs to be addressed before it gets worse! And much luck to you! Sounds like she's gonna be tough to crack.

That is unfortunately a typical man comment.. they never really want to stand up to their mothers!!!!!!!!!!!! But you are not over reacting. Your house is yours not hers and it does not matter if she likes your decor or what ever it is. It is not her place it is your families! sometimes you can only be appropriate for so much till you just have to finally say it out right and stop beating around the bush I do not care if it is your own mother or anyone eles for that matter.

M., First let me say that you are NOT crazy. Your MIL was rude and it is YOUR house and you get to do what ever you and your husband choose to do. Second let me say that your MIL probably THINKS she is helping you in someway. At least I hope that is her motivation. I remember one visit to my daughter's home where their bathtub drain was clogged. I hopped in my rented car and got some drain cleaner and unclogg it. I thought I was helping the busy family and doing the right thing. They went crazy on me - They are GREEN people. I thought it was unhealthy for the drain to be stopped up. From their response, you would have thought that I poured the stuff down my grandsons throat!!! We all have our own ideas of how things should be - but they were RIGHT - it is their home and I stepped over the line. Older women (and I am one) are used to being the head of the house and in charge and it is hard to let go of power. Some of the most invisable people on the planet are old women. I wish it weren't so but Ageism and Sexism are the worst ism's in this country. Just remember you too will be an old woman someday - so be kind BUT FIRM with her. Give her some chore where she can contribute and you may see a change in your relationship. Good luck.