How to Approach Mother in Law

No, you're not being weird. My mil was the same way. I know they raised babies who are fine today, but ideas have changed. Paying her for her time is a good start (saw that in one of the parenting magazines). Since you are paying her, you just need to sit down with her & let her know what you expect from her, as a daycare provider. You can also let her know some of the "rules" are doctors orders. That's the easiest way to let them know it's not you, it's the doctor. For example: "Our doctor said the best way to reduce the risk of SIDs is to have him sleep on his back at all times." The main thing is to have good communication with her & let her know what is expected before she starts. You might even jot down a list of likes & dislikes your son has. My daycare provider had me do this for her. If she hasn't already, you might ask your mil to come over & keep him at your house while you get house work done. This way, she feels like she's helping you while getting to know your son (how he likes to be rocked etc), & you get to seem them interacting together. It will help you both feel better & may even help you become closer. Good luck!

You are doing the right thing by wanting to bring things out in the open before she starts to watch your child. It is definatly not unreasonable to lay down what you expect as well as what you don't. I'm very blessed to be able to stay home with my 3 1/2 daughter and only have help on the weekends from my sister and my mother. It would be much different if it were my husbands family. They don't know me like my family does so I would definatly have to sit down and maybe write down my expectaions and go over in detail. Good luck :-)

RELAX! your husband is doing fine now, so Mil might know a trick or two! By all means address any serious concerns to both your husband and MIL. It is essential for children to have a comfortable relationship with family, both imediate and extended. If you are not feeling comfortable baby won't either. I would try it for awhile with Mil if after a few weeks you are still anxious maybe an alternate care provider would be best.

Hello L.! I had my mother in law watch my first child. I don't feel it is wrong of you to have her follow your guidelines on caring for your child. She is just like any other day care provider that you would take your child to. Hold her to your expectations! This is your child and whoever watches your child, should adhere to your wishes! If she feels that she cannot accept your wishes, simply explain to her that she will no longer be watching your child. I had to lay down the law a few times with my ex mother in law and believe me, it made all of the difference in the world once I finally explained to her what I expected of her. She and I are better friends now in doing so because we both know what to expect of each other. And this is your child don't forget, no matter what she did with her own children in the past. She needs to follow what your wishes are for your child. Good luck!

You are right. There should be some ground rules. Youre the mom, not her and thats ok to lay out some rules for her. Hes your son, you have that right and that responsibility. Keep this in mind when talking to her: when she had your husband she expected certain things from family/babysitters as well. It comes with being a mom. If she cant follow the rules you set up then she doesnt need to be watching him. Simple as that. Hope this helps. Youre the mom, what you say goes!!
--S.

I agree with what is being said. Even if your MIL did a great job with your husband, certain things, recommendations, etc. are different these days. I think you should make it clear that this is a business relationship. You love her and are glad that someone who loves your son so much will be taking care of him, but YOU make the rules and if for any reason things don't work out EITHER of you can terminate with no hard feelings. This is something you must talk to her about, as the longer you put it off the harder it will be. If you expect her to watch him long term, it will be easier down the road to tell her certain things if it is already set up that you make the rules. Also, if she's like my MIL, she thinks it is the grandparent's right to SPOIL SPOIL SPOIL. It is very different for a grandparent who sees their grandkids a couple of times a year to give them lots of sweets and gifts and privlages than a grandparent who sees them every day.

Keep it professional and respectful and let her know that you have two relationships with her now. She can't be grandma (in some sense of the word) while you're at work, but she doesn't have to be caregiver at christmas (and other times you are just visiting)

I hope it works well for you. Don't let her change your good plans. He is your child.

K..

Is this your first baby? Your mother in law is probably feeling like you don't trust her. She maybe thinking she raised your husband and you liked him enough to marry him so what's the problem? I do think you should talk to her about your "rules" but DON'T call them rules. Consider her feelings because she may be thinking well if she doesn't trust me then why am I helping them. And I know you said she's not doing any favors but your child will be cared for in a home with relatives who love him and can concentrate all attention to him, instead of a daycare center with other children and caretakers that may like him but are not attached. That's a big difference so she actually is doing you a pretty big favor, and you probably aren't paying regular daycare rates which are pretty steep these days. I would just suggest that you consider her feelings and not be so firm that you ruin your relationship with her. Childrearing is not an exact science, there are no formulas to making a good child so be flexible and somewhat willing to compromise. And remember that he is not just your child he's also her grandchild and she loves him just as much as you do and only wants whats best for him just as you do.

Not at all. I think you should lay ground rules. I will tell you that I tried it with my MIL and she does what she wants anyway and then makes sarcastic comments all the time about what I want etc. Nicholas is 3 and she is trying to tell me what I do wrong with potty training and it makes me nuts!!!!

Hi L.,

I totally sympathize with you! Though, my mother-in-law didn't watch our daughter when I went back to work, I experienced similar concerns when it came to her watching our daughter when she was a baby (and still some even now that she's almost 3 yrs old). What I've learned in the past 3 yrs is that every mother has a different approach to taking care of a child, however this is YOUR child and whoever watches him should be willing to follow your rules/guidelines of how you want things done, within reason of course. I did learn that I had to become somewhat flexible in certain areas (especially eating and sleeping routines) when my daughter started going to an in-home sitter after I returned to work when she was 3 months old. I still gave our sitter a very detailed list of how I did things and the schedule that she was used to, so that she could mirror it as much as possible and that seemed to help a lot. I felt better because I knew my wishes had been clearly stated so there could be no misunderstandings. When it came to my mother-in-law though, I learned that when she was raising her 4 boys things were VERY different. I learned to "share" stories with her about different things I was reading about...like that you should always put a baby to sleep on their back, why it was a good idea to get them on a schedule early, etc. so she heard what I thought was important and I didn't feel like I was lecturing her. The biggest thing I had to teach her was why a car seat was important (I know, you'd think that would be obvious, but she just didn't get it) and how to use one. She always thought I was being mean when I made sure the straps were tight so I made sure she understood that it was the law for a baby up to a certain age HAD to be in a car seat and why it was so important that the straps had to be done a certain way. Good luck! It does get easier as the baby gets older and can do more things on his own and as much as I hate to admit it, my daughter was never worse for the ware after she stayed with my mother in law. :-)

I don't think you're wrong for laying down some ground rules. If you are afraid of hurting the relationship, don't be. I think that if you aren't able to lay down those rules, you will just end up resenting her when she doesn't do something that you want.

If she seems resistant to how you want things done, you may just explain why you want them done. I know that sometimes, for me, the things other people want done seem weird, but it's just because I don't understand why.

I've had this same issue with my mil. I chose to be pretty firm and direct, which isn't easy sometimes. She didn't like it, but my husband and I agreed that we had the right to decide how to raise our children. The funny thing is that over the years (my son is 5 now) she's grown more compliant, and I've grown more leniant. It's a relationship that takes time to mature, I guess. I would recommend choosing your words carefully and trying to stay rational rather than emotional so that long-term relationship problems don't develop. (Does that sound too Dr. Phil?) Good luck and remember to take notes on what NOT to do when you become a mil someday.

Don't worry about stepping on toes. It's your baby, and she should expect you to want to have a say in how he's cared for. I'd say make your husband do it and hand him a list of things to cover, but I know how I was with my son at that age. Maybe go out for a dinner with her and your husband and go over the basics. Let her know she probably already knows stuff, but you're a new mom and want to make sure you're doing things right. I watch my friend's son during the day, and she's raising him completely differently from how I raise my own, but I always tell her 'If it makes you feel better to tell me you want something done a certain way, or ask me weird questions about the things I do - go ahead. I'll look at you like you're crazy, but do it anyway.' Your mother in law is going to have to get past her hurt feelings and realize you want what's best for your son and more importantly, you want consistency in the care he's given. Make her a cheat sheet for some of the things she finds more unusual. But also be open for discussion. Perhaps that's a better way to approach it even - Tell her you'd like to talk things out with someone who's done it before and see what she thinks about the way you'd like him to be cared for. Then lay out your plan. If she has a good point on why something might not work, be open to it. Look for better ways to do things. Yes, you're paying her, but she's still the grandma and still wants to be involved.

Also - I personally feel it's always better to start off too conservative/protective, because you can always ease off as you become more comfortable. I can't imagine why she wouldn't feel that way as well, but my own MIL is the same way, if not worse.

L.,
All I have to say is just trust her. Have your husband go with you and candidly go over your expectations. I learned the hard way and that cost me my relationship with my mil. I'm not sure if paying her is the way I would go but if it works for you then go with it. You are NOT being wrong in wanting things done a certain way, after all he is your child and you are raising him. One thing I learned from my experiance is that my mil did a great job raising my husband so she must know a thing or two about it. Encourage her to ask you what you would like done and try to put some humor in the mix. Better yet, ask her opinion of things and you might be surprised to find out what she has to say. I hope and pray all goes well and it works out for you. We are having our second baby in July 08 but I don't think I'll have that second chance to change it for the better. Good luck.
T.

I would approach it this way, think about what you would honestly ask of any caregiver, and try to pick your battles carefully...
I can't help but wonder if your mom does what you ask all the time or if she just lets you think she is...
people are so different, we all have our own ways of dealing with children.

Honestly, you have every right to ask for what you want, but you can't control other people, so if you really want things done a certain way, you should stay home and take care of your son yourself. Isn't it important enough?

You are not wrong for wanting to discuss things with her. MIL watching the baby can sometimes be a problem. They feel more inclined to tell you what to do or "how" you should do things and feel that it's okay b/c she's the grandma. I would say just approach her honestly and the fact that you have your husband's support 100% makes all the difference in the world! Good luck.

L.;

I would invite her over for coffee - and simply explain that while you appreciate her upbringing of your husband - that you as parents JOINTLY agree to do a few things a certain way. I would tell her "I don't want to miscommunicate anything and feel the direct approach is the best way for you and I to partner in the daycare process - if your uncmfortable with anything I am asking then please feel free no hard feelings to decline the opportunity to care for him"

I would not worry too much about her getting her feelings hurt after all watching a grandchild is a PRIVILEDGE not an obligation and you are not obligated in ANY way to let her be the primary caregiver for your child. You would pay a stranger for the adherence to your requests so why shouldn't she adere as well? Does she get special rule bending priveldges because she's grandma? NO and no respectful grandmother would impose them on her grandchild or daughter in law.

Sincerely

Mom who has boundaries!

You are not wrong. You should let her know how you feel and what you expect. Tell her you know she knows what she is doing and how you respect that but there are a couple things you would like done a certain way. If she will not make time in advance to talk to you then do it on the first day before you leave or maybe write her a letter. My mother in-law over stepped her boundries once and we had a huge fight. After I cooled off I went back and said I was sorry for yelling and told her I ment what I said She was the grandma not the mom and ever since she has a new respect for me and talks to me before about every thing first. You just need to show her respect and understanding and you will get the same in return. Face to face or in the letter if thats how you have to go about it the first time.

I agree with what everyone else is saying. And I think Amber is right, since your mother-in-law is talking to your husband about you and about what you might want to say, so I think your husband holds the keys to solving your problem.

I think you have a couple of choices. One is to give the list to your husband, and let him give the instructions to his own mom.

The second (my preference) is to have your husband set up a get-together with your mother-in-law. You and your husband should both attend. Maybe it could be a casual lunch at Panera's or someplace informal so that the environment will feel nice. And tell her together - as a team.

When you do it, reassure your mother-in-law that you're excited that she's going to be babysitting, that you know you can't ask for a better sitter than a loving grandma. Then just dive in - tell her you've been reading and there are a few things you really want done in a certain way. Tell her you know she'll understand! And then just tell her.

Easier said than done, I know. Good luck.

Your baby, your rules! Don't be afraid to do what you think is right for your baby. It's great that your husband is backing you. You might have him talk to her first to break the ice, since she seems to be defensive about the whole thing. I think you should definitely have ground rules, and definitely make her aware of them.

We've had to tell our parents on a few occasions that if they can't follow our rules when it comes to our baby they will lose babysitting privileges.

Good luck!

You are absolutely right to approach with rules. I have been to District Court & SRS and back again due to my mother-in-law. I probably am not the best person to be getting advice from.
First of all ground rules are a must. If you can establish those early, you might have some luck. Second of all, your mother-in-law has to be willing to listen with an open mind and heart. If she doesn't see things the way that you want them to be then I personally don't know what to tell you in that area. She has to have respect for your wishes. That is an absolute must. In my situation my, mother-in-law had no concern for my child nor anything I wished for when the child was in her care. Third of all, you are not weird for expecting things to be done in a certain manner. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have those expectations.
I don't know much about your mother-in-law, but you can't allow her to bully you around if that is what the situation is. You are the mother of the baby and you have a pretty good idea of what you expect. My mother-in-law would smoke around my child which I had voiced years before not to EVER do around my child. She bad mouthed my child about her father and mother. She attempted to kidnap our daughter, that is why we were in court. Then she tried to get legal custody by sticking the SRS on our butts.
So as you can tell, I don't have much love for in-laws. I love my husband but his family has been nothing but bad luck. His half-sister who lives in Washington state is the only one that has been decent to my husband and I.
Best of luck.

You are totally within your rights to ask your mother in law to do things certain ways. I went through the same with my mil. One thing you may want to point out is that times have changed, as they had when she was a mother for the first time, she probably wanted things done a certain way when she was raising her children. Stand firm, but also think about whether all battles are worth fighting. As your son grows, new battles will arise.

Just want to say that you are very right to expect things to be done in a certain manner! I am a mom and a mother-in-law. Make the rules first, then it's not personal. However, it never hurts to ask her advice from time to time.

It can be a bit awkward when you have relatives (especially grandmas) taking care of your child. I did a notebook of my "preferred" ways of doing things with my son, but had to trust that my mother-in-law did a good job with my husband and could be relied upon to care for my son appropriately. Did she do things I wished she hadn't? Sure, but my son is 10 now and he is a beautiful, conscientious bright child. Nothing my MIL did ruined him. :-) Grandparents are a special part of a child's life and they should be allowed to develop their own relationship without manipulation and meddling from the parents.

Your MIL probably is afraid to approach you if you have felt awkward about talking with her. That's why it's better to write the basic wants in the notebook. She can then fill in the notebook each day for you, telling you what she and your son did, where they went, games they played, foods he ate and developmental milestones you might miss. This will help you feel more connected and your MIL won't feel as if you are interrogating her at the end of each day.