Not Happy Recently.... What Should I Do?

Hey D.,

Reading this was like reading my own life! My husband feels the exact same way. He is very much stuck in the 50's! After a lot of arguing, we had many other problems, we separated because I felt like he refused to listen to me and didn't want to see my side. We are now in counseling and I am working full time and coaching my daughters cheerleading squad. When I first became a mother, I thought that you only were a mother, that you lost who you used to be. A year ago, if someone asked me what I liked to do in my free time I would just look at them with a blank expression, I had no clue. I realized I had completely lost myself. I wish you the best of luck and completely understand where you are right now.

I am work from home myself I own two small companies a health and fitnes and a consulting one. But I won't give you a whole speech, or anything of that sort I found this article a long time ago and here are legitimate companies, not work from home schemes, please be careful with those here they are:

Here are the companies:

One company, Alpine Access (www.alpineaccess.com) hires virtual agents as employees.

Other companies, including Willow CSN (www.willowcsn.com ), LiveOps (www.liveops.com), and VIPdesk ( www.vipdesk.com), among others, require agents to incorporate, and they're hired as independent contractors.

Also this is a great article for work from home moms or moms who want to please read it:

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=2378167&page=1

Also go to www.ivaa.org and look up the virtual assistant companies and see if any need contractors.

A friend of mine works for live ops and she loves it

Hi D., I was in a similar situation where by the time my children were all school age I had been a stay home mom for almost 9 years. We lived pay check to pay check. I found myself craving for independence and adult conversation. I decided to get into real estate as it allowed me to use my brain, be available to my husband and children and provided an outstanding income. My husband wasn't very keen on it until those checks started rolling in. Try to think about something that won't interfere and then present the idea to him. You must explain your need for this.

About me: 34 year old mom of three- 9, 14 and 15 year olds- married 16 years- owner of a real estate firm and dried floral/memory preservation business.

WELL DEB I AM IN THE ALMOST THE SAME SITUATION AS YOU I AM A SAHM AND ITS GREAT SOME DAYS AND OTHERS IS NOT BUT WHAT U CAN DO IS IF U R CREATIVE YOU CAN USE THAT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE BUT IF NOT TRY TO SELL THINGS THEY HAVE PRINCESS HOUSE AND AVON AND MARY KAY B/C ALOT OF LADIES SHOP ON EBAY AND THINGS LIKE THIS BUT TRY SOMETHING LIKE THAT IT WILL GET BETTER BUT DON'T LET THING STRESS U OUT IF U BELEIVE IN GOD LOOK TO HIM AND JUST SIT AND PRAY

I am going to finish my associate degree next year. I was in a bad relationship in 1996 to where I had to drop out. Have you considered putting the children in a daycare based on your income and go the college. You may qualify for many government grants and be able to concentrate on a career that meets your needs. Many people endure financial hardships, but there is always a way to make it through the challenges that life faces us with. I was always told that the Lord only puts on us what he knows we can handle. I do not know what religion you practice and I do not wish to offend you, but I appreciate all the prayers and blessings I have been blessed with. I do not not live in a mansion, but I have learned to be happy with what I have been blessed with and give thanks of prayers throughout my day. I have many repairs needed in my home. I am handling them slowly but surely. Deb

no this doesnt make you a horrible person. It makes you lonely. I know the feeling. I am a navy wife and my husband is out to sea for 7 months. I have two children and my husband is always gone now that he is on sea duty. I feel the same way. It sounds to me like you need to sit him down and tell him your unhappy. Let him know it cant continue. Its hard to be bluntly honest but that is the way it has to be. I would concider moving somewhere close to the city maybe within 15-20 minutes or so... If he doesnt like the city then dont move into one but move close enough to be able to go to work. He has to realize that your life isnt over because you have kids. It doesnt mean that you have to revolve around him or the kids. He needs to know that you have needs that cant be fullfilled staying in the house all day picking up other peoples messes. Trust me i know what you mean ....! I am starting college in january so that way when my hubby gets home, I can get out of this house and get a good job. If he really loves you then he will move across the world and back to make you happy. I know that I am unhappy here in Virginia, been here way to long. Im ready to move. I know that he would move for me. You just have to talk to him and make him understand that if your unhappy the home will be unhappy. To bluntly honest... I truely believe that if the woman of the house isnt happy, then no one is. As far as your kids. Just remember that if they werent there you would be all alone when he isnt there and you would have missed out on all the funny, goofy, nonsense they come up with! Take some time for yourself and do something you enjoy.

I have been a SAHM for most of my kids' lives. It was a mutual decision. However, I find there are more than plenty outlets to be productive and creative.

Some others already mentioned various ideas for working from home, for example marketing something (cosmetics, cooking utensils, toys, books, etc) While you would be able to work from home, it will require support from your husband, as some of the meetings and events are likely to occur in the evenings or weekends as well. I sold Discovery Toys for several years, and loved it, as it got me out of the house and in contact with others. I loved the products, and the best part was that we had so many of the products at home, as I had them as samples to show and demonstrate. We got to play with the toys, test the games, read the books - my kids loved that UPS guy! LOL
And what a great source for good quality presents (at a huge discount from retail) for all those birthday parties my kids got invited to, and for teacher's gifts, etc.
Doing that kind of work you do have a great amount of flexibility, but it also requires a good dose of self-discipline and occasionally you will need to schedule an event in the evening or on a weekend if that is what works best for your customer.

Data entry and such that you can do from home may interfere less with the home life, but I don't know that for sure, I have not done that.

I am lucky in that my husband's income does provide us with all the necessities. We do live frugally and are careful where we spend our money, but it works, and I enjoy being able to be home for my kids (who are now middle school and high school), and they know that they are lucky and do appreciate to have me at home when they get home, that I am available to pick them up after any after-school activities which prevent them for taking the bus home, and also that I am 'there' if something happened in school they need to share when coming home, or if they need help with some work, studying or a project.

However, my day does not revolve only around my kids and household. I joke that I am a professional volunteer, as that is what it often feels like; I probably volunteer as many hours each week as I would spend working a full time job. But in the pockets of time that I have available, on my own schedule (mostly).

There are so many non-profits, organizations, clubs, schools, churches and shelters that are desperately looking for volunteers. What is your passion? What do you feel strongly about? What skills do you have to offer? You couold go and be actively involved with some hands-on activities (tutoring, reading with kids, class room helper, sorting throg donations, picking up or distibuting donations, walking dogs at the animal shelter, helping with fundraising activities, etc). Some work you could do mostly from home: stuffing envelopes for a mailing, data entry, putting together their newsletter, writing for them, answering inquiries, etc.

Are you crafty or creative? Consider knitting or crocheting caps, blankets, mittens, sweaters, etc either for donation to your local shelter or hospital (check what they most need); or find a store where they might be happy to sell them for you. Maybe you have a knack for making jewelry, beading, scrapbooking, greeting cards, soap making, flower arranging, ...?

Some of these crafts and items could be sold via ebay as well, if you can't find a fairly local store to sell them for you.

Do you like cooking and/or baking? basket making? gardening?

I am sure, if you do some soul searching and think about what you REALLY like to do, what you have an interest in and a passion for you will come up with something. And then think about what you can do with it and how to approach it, be it as a volunteer, for raising funds for a non-profit, or to actually provide you with some income.

Yes, and then there is going back to school (on-line is always an option), getting a degree, or also apprenticing with a crafts(wo)man, maybe you have someone fairly close who does a great job restoring antiques? upholstering furniture? painting furniture? making pottery?

I hope I have offered you enough suggestions to spark your own ideas and imagination, and I wish you that you will find something to fill that void you are feeling, to become once more productive and creative in some way of the myriad ones out there.

Best wishes!

Dear "Awful Person",

Just kidding. Nobody thinks you're awful. It's human nature to want to be productive.

Here's how I handled it: I went to college! It only takes 2 years for an Associates Degree. That's all you need in NC to become a Teacher Associate. You might even qualify for a Pell Grant to fund your education. (Doesn't have to get paid back!) Then you would be working the same days as your children are in school. I doubt he'd give you a hard time with that!

By the way, Franklinton actually has FOUR stoplights. Did you forget the one on Cheatham Street? Or are you in a different mini-town with the same economic starvation?!

HUGS

You are by no means an awful person, you're just human. Sit down and remind hubby that the two of you are partners in this endeavour, and that means that both of you need and deserve happiness. I'll share the best bit of advice I ever received: "If you're going to fight, fight FOR the relationship, not against it." I have said myself, "I love you and I want this to work, but plan A isn't working. Help me come up with a solution." I know the bitterness all too well, but it is a trap that is easy to get caught up in. Don't blame, don't yell, don't bring up the past, let him know that you are batting for the same team. Forget what you don't want, tell him what you DO want ie: an hour a day to yourself, help with certain tasks. You ARE entitled to ask for those things. If he is absolutely unwaivering, you may need to talk to a marital counselor, or someone with your church. Good luck!

I don't think you are wrong feeling like you are stuck where you are and like you are suffocating with the current circumstances. I also can see your husband's side and he probably takes great pride in you being able to stay home and if he were to admit that there was a problem it would be an attack on his pride. However, if things are tight money wise, and you are not happy and your family doesn't get to spend much time together then none of it is worth it. My dad did make plenty for my mom to stay home, however, we never saw him and he regrets it so much now and tried to make some changes with my younger brother but it was almost too little too late and he will never get that time back. He told my husband when we got married to make sure that he took care of us, but that he was there and present for the important times and that he spent time with his family that having your retirement set at 35 is not important if you don't take care of things at home. I don't know if there is a walmart, or maybe a doctor's office where you go get a part time job, something that you could do while your children are at school so that you will be available to get them and pick them up from school because it sounds like your husband works too much to have that kind of time. just go out and do it, just make sure that they will work with you on your available hours. This will give you some time outside of the home and give you a feeling that you are someone other than a housecleaner and mother. Plus the little extra you would make may make a huge difference in your family's finances. I have been where you are with staying at home and hating it, only I did it just for about 2 years. I wish you the best.

hey i was in the same situation. even though my kids are a little younger than yours. i got a sub job at a local daycare. that way i am not at work everyday but i do get out of the house some and get some adult conversation with the other teachers. i also feel good about bringing home some money so i am not always stressing that. maybe look into a job like that or a job on the weekends if your husband is off. i know it can be frustrating looking at the same old walls everyday and doing the same thing everyday. try looking into a daycare job where you can work the hours around your kids school time. i hope this helps.

You have no idea what seeing this has done for me. I was actually coming here to say along the lines of what you said. I hope that it doesn't make you a bad person, because that means I am a bad person as well. We live in Anniston, and my hubby works long hours. Ours is a sexless marriage for several reasons. I had a total hysterectomy three years ago (I was 21), and I have no drive. I am miserable at home. We only have one child, but we are a small town as well. I know exactly how you feel. I feel trapped as well, and I feel as though he now controls everything that I do because I have no money or life of my own aside from being a mom and wife. I'm not that kind of girl, you know? I need to be out of the home, but there are few opportunities here for me. So here is my question to you...where do we go from here? I am so unhappy in my marriage that we are having the divorce talk tonight. He says he wants to fight for our marriage, but I kind of feel like it is too late. He also can't accept that he does things wrong. He places all the blame on me and lets it be my fault. I'm afraid to piss him off because he controls the money, and I have no means to leave with. Why can't they understand that we need money, true, but there are so many other things we need as well. Money makes the world go round, but in this house, I need love. I need to see you. To know you are here for me. I have friends I would give my life for before I laid it down for him at this point. Does THAT make me a horrible person? Sharing your pain, Mandi

Hi D.~
I have recently found "stayin at home and lovin it". It's a work from home business and you can put in as much time per week as you like. If you want more details send me an email
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I agree with the first post, Judy. Go back to school. Several community colleges and universities offer online classes. Even if they are not in your area, you can still do the online! Not only that, but go check out www.FASA.edu. (I think it's edu. could be org.) You may qualify for Pell Grant or other types of financial assistance. This is the best time to re-evaluate your priorities and goals for yourself! Good Luck.

No way does this make u an awful person ...it just means you might need to get out of the house for awhile even if it's to take a walk for an hour or so everyday;or find something that suits your nitch that you can do for you. I my self know what its like to feel trapped we lived in a town out in the county of Orange VA and the closest store was @least 15 miles from the house so what i did was everyday the baby and myself would walk and the back roads and learn where things were. My boyfriend ran with the rescue squad and was never home on top of working a full time job, so it was always just us. A mothers love will never allow her to hate or resent her children we simply just have to put ourselves in time out and regroup if having a hard time .
hope this helps

no that does not make you a bad person. it just means your going crazy in your own home. try asking him (if it was me i wouldnt ask him) about you getting a job. if he said no than tell him your going crazy in these 4 walls and let him know just how you feel. let him know you love him and want to be able to spend more time with him than just 3 to 4 hours a night. tell him hey a woman needs more than just honey im home whats for dinner and lets have sex. you need a life of your own and tell him your not taking no for an answer. if he is the man you say he is maybe he will understand and agree for you to work. let him know your not just doing it for yourself but for all of yall. ITS TIME TO STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE AND THATS NOT BEING HOME ALONE ALL DAY.

Hi there, just thought I'd chime in with my two cents! Have you thought about going to or returning to school? If your town is too small that it doesn't have a community college, there are several schools to choose from online. I've been working on my master's online. That way, when/if you do ever move to that larger city, you'll have some recent education to get you back in the workplace. Just a thought, good luck!!

Have you thought about volunteering at the school where your children attend? It would get you out of the house plus you get the added bonus of great communication with your children's teachers. If you are looking for a paycheck, maybe the cafeteria at the school is hiring. Just a thought.

hey i dont know how old you are but i can understand how you would feel trapped.if you think about your life and how important it is to your kids to have you tocome home to its the same old thing to you but to your husband and kids its security.so you need to find atleast one thing every day that relaxes you or helps you get away from it all while the kids are at school and your husband is at work. then when every one comes home every one will be happy because if mama aint happy know one is your friend berni

WOW~~you sound a lot like me, but I only have one child. I took 2 years off of working to take care of our daughter, but decided to go back to school and pursue a medical degree. Because I was considered a "displaced homemaker" I qualify for daycare vouchers, the school pays for books and supplies, and financial aid took care of my tuition. I have been in school 2 years and am about to graduate with an associate degree and a medical assisting certification, which allows me to work in any medical office. I just started to work part time now that my husband has realized that it's either lose everything or sacrifice a little. School makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something and it gives me time away from my daughter and family for a short time. You'd be suprised at how most of the people at college are older now. They aren't 18-20 anymore. They are 30ish and some are even in their 60s. They offer night classes and some offer weekend classes.

I think that you should get out and meet with other mom's in your area. I have been in the same situation that you are in now when my children were young. It is very important to find women that you can relate to as a "sounding board" or just be able to sit and have an adult conversation with them. Maybe there is a place that you can volunteer at like a nursing home, hospital, school, etc. where you can be with others and help them out with simple needs that get over looked every day. Think about how visiting with someone in a nursing home or hospital would bring a moment of joy into their life. I know that when I have done just a simple task like filling up a water jug for a sick patient, bring magazines to a doctor's office or sitting and talking with an elderly person, who may not remember that I have even been there the next hour, helps me feel that I have a purpose in my life. I know that it helped me to be around other adults and share my life and their life. You may even find a part-time job though networking with a non-profit organization. You may think that you are the only one going through this, but your not! Your husband needs to know also, that you are feeling isolated at home alone all day,too. He also needs to hear that you appreciate the fact that he is taking care of you and your children. He needs to hear from you that you want to spend time with him. It is very important to talk to each other and let each other know what is going on with each other every day, even if it is just the regular day.

You are not an awful person. You are not alone. We all feel this way at times. You need to explain your feelings to your husband (except the part were 'you hate him') . . . how much you want to go back to work and he needs to be at home more. Also do you have any sort of hobby that you can do that will get you out of the house?

It definitely does not make you an aweful person. Relationships need to be 50%-50% or they don't work. Also, your spouse should be your best friend, and while this maybe use to be the case for you it doesn't sound like you are able to spend too much quality time together to keep it that way.

If you are looking for a job, it sounds like he is at least being partially amenable to the discussion. I drive 1.5 hours to work and from work each day. My husband takes our son to and from daycare every day. I would certainly like to be home more, but I know I am not cut out to be a SAHM (I definitely don't feel that makes me any less of a parent). Maybe you could look at some home based jobs out there (maybe go through a head hunter?) or give in to having to drive a bit further.

Bottom line is that if you get a job, he needs to be there to help do some of the things you are doing now. Also, it should be your choice as much as it is his. You are not asking anyone for permission, but you are discussing what is best for you as a couple and as a family. It sounds like he might be insecure about feeling that you want to work because he is not providing enough - make sure that it is clear the reasons you want to go back to work.

What you are feeling is normal. You have needs too, and it's not being a babysitter and maid. I go crazy if I don't have some adult conversation.
Do you have a neighbor or someone in your area that you can trade cooking days twice a week. One you get a night off cooking and have company at dinner.
You might also try looking for data entry or editing that you can do from home, via the internet. There are also other jobs you can do over the internet or by phone.
I do feel for you, but don't get depressed and do something you would regret later.
Also, does you husband know that you are feeling this way? And find a group or club you can join. You need outside stimulation! I've been there and don't think that there aren't others in you 3 light town that are in the same boat.

If you are interested in working from home then I have something you can look at. Just check it out and let me know what you think, that's all I ask. If it's not for you then you don't have to do it. Here goes.........

Do you care about your health? Do you care about your family’s health? Do you care about the environment?

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If you answered yes to any of these questions please contact me through my web site. We are the team and we are the company that is making a difference in the lives of thousands of people daily.

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Hi D.,
No, this does not make you an awful person; you are a living, breathing human being that needs interaction (not only w/children either!) and to be listened to...Your feelings count and should be dealt with in the right way....And I would bet that many moms, at some point in their lives feel the same way as far as the trapped part goes, esp. when they are stay-at-home moms. Is the real issue that you don't get to spend enough time w/your husband and he w/the kids? If so, I would sit down and talk to him about that and let him know what/how it has been affecting you. The most important thing you guys can do is communicate. Other ideas are prayer, counseling (this can be with/from someone in your area who is in the same situation or has been there before) a 'date night' w/just you and him; tell him it is a MUST. Take it from there... You can always start slow and plan once a month an outing for you two, and then as a family, whatever is feasible for you at this point. I will be praying about your situation... :) Lastly, you may also want to try journaling to get your feelings out, so to speak...this is more for your benefit than anyone...it is therapeutic. Hope this helps!