New Mom Going Crazy! My Son Will Vomit to Try to Get His Way!

I'm not saying the bahavior is linked to the television and "constant background noise" you say is always on, but I would certainly eliminate that. Let him watch a show late morning if he's "behaved" and one late after- noon if he's "behaved". Let the shows be rewards. He should not be exposed to constant screen time, even though he's not actually engaged in watching it all the time. I'm a Kindergarten teacher and have done a lot of research on tv watching. The screen time and background noise are very distracting to little developing brains. It also "excites" the brain rather than soothes it and gets kids wound up. Good luck!

First of all, it sounds like you are doing a great job with this little boy. Even really young kids can find a way to get our goat, they are awfully creative that way! I would start being prepared for this behavior -- take along a plastic bag, paper towels and maybe some extra clothes when you go out if you think it might happen. Then make him clean up. Stay calm and stand right there with him, but get HIM to do it. He is old enough to participate in this cleanup activity. I feel for you, but you are doing all the right things with him and this, too, will pass!

If he does this screaming thing at home, tell him if he wants to scream and vomit, he'll have to do it in the bathroom, not in your presence. Then walk away. If he vomits, make him clean it up once he has calmed down.

You need to find his "currency". For my son it was TV. If he was naughty, I took his TV away. I'd also turn your TV off. Turn on the radio or cds.

When you go to the store, be very specific about what you are going to do there and tell him. If you aren't going to the toy aisle, tell him that before you go in. If he is particularly good the 2nd or 3rd trip to the store, you might tell him that since he was sooo good, you're going to stop in the toy aisle to look, but not to buy. If he pitches a fit about wanting something, he doesn't go back to the toy aisle again for another couple of trips. If he's good during those intermediate trips, you might remind him that if he had been good last time, you'd stop, but since he can't behave, you just can't do it.

We have a sacred rule in our house - "Don't shame your mother". We talk about what kind of behavior is expected outside the home. If they happen to "Shame Mom" there are consequences and the aren't pleasant... a week with no tv or whatever. I've never had to go there - not since my son took a fire engine off a birthday cake at the age of 3. He is 17 and still remembers that one.

Does he go to playgroups or nursery school? You might consider a karate class - they are excellent for promoting self discipline and they get a lot of exercise. My son benefited immensely.

YMMV
LBC

I also am a military wife and I also had a child that did this type of thing at about the same age...she would vomit in her bed and so on...just so she could stay up later, as it would take time for me to change the sheets and clean it all up and she would then have to have a bath. My advice is stick to your guns. I know this may sound harsh, but it works. My daughter would go to the bathroom and make herself throw up because she didn't like what we were having for dinner. I talked to Dr's and anyone I could think of, finally they all basically told me the same thing, she is doing it for attention. So I took all her toys, and put them away, and told her when she could stop making herself throw up she could get them back, she had books and her bed and clothes in her room. It took less then a week and she totally stopped. Maybe if you discuss the store before going, and what you are going to shop for that might help. I feel for you I really do. But I would really stick to my guns on this one, don't get all upset when he does it, because that is probably why he does it, he knows that it bugs you...don't make a big deal of it. If you don't deal with him trying to get his way now, you are in for a long hard road ahead. I hope this helps and I hope I didn't come across as harsh, I do have 3 wonderful kids and they are the loves of my life. My daughter tho, has always been what we call a drama queen, she would also go in and tell the school nurse she didn't feel well, then they would call me and I would come get her, low and behold when she got home she was feeling much better, just couldn't stand that mommy might be doing something without her :)

I don't see anywhere you're "messing up". I am also a military wife who had to deal with a VERY strong willed child while daddy was away (out to sea on a ship).

And while I agree to a certain extent of letting him "win" when you can ... YOU are the mamma and YOU make the rules. Stick by that now and you'll have a MUCH better time with them as teenagers. My oldest son is extremely strong willed also and while I NEVER wanted to BREAK him of anything ... EVER. I did want to bend him to the decisions *I* made. Some days that meant customers in the stores got to hear my son scream at the top of his lungs (I tried not to do this to the customers very often LOL) and I just ignored him AND their stares. Some days it meant turning around and going right back home.

And when it came to fits my oldest son was THE king of 'em LOL he could go on for HOURS ... and I do mean HOURS. When we were at home he was confined to his room for those fits ... when I had stuff I HAD to get done ... he got ignored and while in the car the music got turned up ... LOUDLY. Eventually he (and his sister and brother) learned what got him what he wanted and what didn't.

And DEFINITELY make him clean up his own mess and go to the bathroom to throw his fit.

Keep being consistant and continue to be the parent. He'll stop doing it the more he has to clean up and the more he sees it's not getting any reaction out of you.

Hope this is helpful and don't hesitate to contact me if you need an ear. BTDT (still doing it) on the military spouse thing ... it SUCKS *SS ... big time :)

A. B..
Being the wife of a Military man, now retired, who was deployed while I raised children I can feel your pain. This is never an easy task even under good circumstances. I will tell you to hold solid to your convictions of not giving in to him. The more you try to soothe his actions the worse they will get. He has learned that these "tantrums" get your attention and has learned to manipulate you with them. I know it sounds silly with a 3 year old but you might want to try a child psychologist for some counseling. We went through an especially trying time with deployment, grandparent death, illness etc and our daughter would vomit, not at will, but from nerves, when we left her at kindergarten. We found a wonderful child psychologist who worked with her, and the two of us to find the answers. We started seeing progress almost immediately because he could get her to talk to him and get answers that we could not find on our own.
Little ones are sensitve to your emotions as well. If you are upset he will pick up on it.
I also want to recommend at least two days a week of daycare. This will give him an opportunity to play with other children his age, get some type of structure and learn that not everything is going to be his way. All children need to be involved with kids their own age. You need a life away from him as well. You need to be involved with other wives in your command. All of you must support each other to survive this trying time with some sanity left. It isn't good for you or your son to spend all your days and nights together with no one else.
I strongly encourage a daycare program for him. It will do both of you a lot of good to be apart for a few hours a week!
PS.. Do Not spend your away time cleaning house and grocery shopping. Join a gym, go out to lunch with friends, not just your family, join a group of ladies to play cards, whatever it takes find a life and interest for yourself. Remember always that this DOES NOT make you a bad mom! Having some "ME" time is therapeutic for everyone. It will help you to be a better wife and mom!

I have heard of this happening with other children before. The advice my friends had been given was to never give in. It just reinforces that when he does this unpleasant act he gets what he wants. As for another suggestion having the TV always on even locked to Noggin is not a good idea. I don't know how much always on actually means in hours but hours of tv is not appropriate for children. Have music on if you need noise. All of the programs on television are designed for the audience. On a children's channel the advertisements are designed for the children to want the product so badly. The tv did not suggest to him that he vomit to get the product but the tv did suggest that he want a bunch of toys he doesn't want really or need. Also you might want to speak to your ped regarding other ways to handle the vomiting. I would perhaps say if you are so upset that you are sick we're just going to go home and get in bed. By taking away the activities that he likes he might learn not to do the act that starts it all. Good luck.

Wow! I've heard of this once from my mother in law. Her second child, a boy would do things, crazy things as a toddler and young child, hold his breath, or vomit to get what he wanted. It sent my mother in law reading every parenting book around. The weird thing is now he's a wonderful responsible non emotional man. So great and awesome, you'd never think he was that way as a child.
I think you lay down ground rules, and reaffirm them, such as "If you ask nicely then you can look at things in the store and if it's something you really like I'll write it down to remember for Christmas or birthdays." Then they only get 2 or 3 things on those special days and they have to tell you if they want the can of soda more than the Cars they saw, etc.

Then explain that any tantrums in the store result in the same consequence every time, immediate taking out to the car to be in the Naughty Corner (carseat in this case) (The TV show Supernanny is great for explanations on how to successfully handle timeout or the Naughty Corner) I would even talk about this before you get in the car or go inside to remind them, "Now remember last time you were very naughty and said no to me in the store and that is NOT acceptable. You can point to things you'd like to see but we are not buying anything that's not on the list. If you cannot act appropriately in the store, we will go home or sit in the car for a timeout."
(For my kids to have money to buy things they like, they do jobs each week, empty the dishwasher, take the trash cans to the big trash can, pick up toys, take their plates over to the sink, wipe the table, and as they've gotten older sweeping and vaccuming. At the end of two weeks we look at a simple chart we made and count it up. They get a penny for every job is they are toddlers, older 5 cents for every job. There is also morning jobs that can be done like getting dressed, making their beds, brushing their teeth and hair, etc. They get pennies for those. And now papers that come home from school and are extra neat and nice get 2 cents. They get their money and we go to the Dollar Store for them to pick out something or save their money for a bigger item at Walmart. When they misbehavior we take pennies away.)
The other thing that has to be repeated to all kids is that they are not to talk back or say no to their parents or they will get sent to the Naughty Corner. It's an important life skill that you are teaching how to respect authority and yours is the most important authority in their life. I'm constantly reminding my kids to not disobey, be respectful and say Yes mommy.
If it were me, I would calmly carry my vomiting child out of the public eye, place them in the naughty corner for the appropriate time, (1 minute for age) state why they are there and then set up the expectation to say sorry for whatever they did wrong and hugging after wards. I think the vomiting is a way of getting a reaction. My first son was awful when he'd have a tantrum and I thought something was wrong with him. But now that we've been through the naughty corner and rules and boundaries so much, he's actually handling disappointments and power struggles better. Now it's my other toddler boys' turn to test the boundaries. For my oldest thought it didn't seem to get majorly better until he was 7. Good luck! You are buff lady to handle that on a daily basis.

Wow. I am so sorry that he is treating you that way. I have not read all of the other responses, so please forgive me if this is a repeat.

1. I would get a supply of baggies or airplane barf bags, I think they sell them at Staples, although Walmart may sell them too. I would carry one in my purse or bag. When he acts up and you know its coming, whip out the bag and then run, that way, you're ready.

2. Before we get out of the car, I tell my son not to ask for anything that isnt x,y,z. Especially this close to Christmas, don't ask, I'm not buying, and if he causes a scene, he'll be in trouble.

3. This is the hard one. Whenever he starts throwing a fit, no matter how far into shopping you are, walk out of the store. I had to do this several times before my son got the hint. One time we were on our way to the checkout. I just walked away. Then when he started crying that he wanted a drink I said 'hey, it was right there, all I had to do was pay for it. oh well'. he cried all the way home, but that's actually the last time I had to do that.

Just keep in mind that when he does this, he's not embarassing you, he's embarrissing himself. When my son freaked out when I was with my sister, my sister was freaking out. "you're embarassing us!". I'm not embarassed, he's the one causing a scene. I'm the one ending it.

Hugs.
M.

A.-

My hubby just returned from a deployment and both my kids had some strange behaviors while he was gone and some more when he returned. My suggestions would be to go see your pediatrician and to look into some deployment counselors. There are some outstanding doctors in the military system, if you know where to look. If you need help, send me a message and I'll share some suggestions for great doctors.

Hang in there and be sure to find a way to get a break for yourself sometimes (even if your son objects!).

S.

I baby sat a poodle once who did the same thing. When she wanted extra attention, she's lap up her whole dish of water then work herself into a tizzy so she would barf it up. Solution? Never fill her water bowl more than half way, then check it periodically to re-fill it maybe a hour later after it got emptied. As applied to a toddler, keep his food/water intake to a minimum before the shopping trip. He might still have a melt down, but it's hard to barf when you don't have much in your stomach. Reward good behavior. Do NOT reward bad behavior. TV is a privilege, not a right. Watch your own shows. You train your child, not the other way around. Invest in some ear plugs. Also, spend more time with your child. Not on your phone. Not on your computer. Not in front of a TV. Turn them all off while you are playing with him. Read to him. Build blocks with him. Color with him. Play dough with him. If the weather is warm and wet, go out and splash in puddles with him. If he already has your attention, he doesn't have to go out of his way to get your attention.
Additional Comments:
After re-reading your letter, I'd have to say your young man is pushing the drama to the max. When I was little, I remember blowing up a few times over I can't even remember anymore, but it was something trivial. My Mom had little patience with it. My sister and I were only allowed to fuss just so much (this was the 60's). Mom would warn me or my sister we were crying over nothing. I considered it cruel at the time, but I can see now we didn't give her much choice. When we crossed the line, Mom would try one more time "Stop it or I'll give you something to cry about." and if we didn't get ourselves under control, she'd whack our behinds and say "There. NOW you have something to cry about.". The thing is, we got better at listening to the initial warning after only a few times and could calm ourselves before we over boiled. Sometimes a tantrum runs like an avalanche. There's a point of no return as far as stopping it, but you then hasten it best you can to the finish and it's then like a reset button and the storm is over. It's not something I've ever had to do with my son.

first off, like sarah i want to commend you for how well you're doing with this strong-willed little guy! you certainly have a challenge on your hands. remember as he makes you crazy that this determination and strength will serve him well in the future. he will never be a sheeple!
this is not a short-term fix, i'm afraid. it will involve completely calm deadpan reactions, both in the home and out. i very much like the idea of having him clean up the mess himself. give him the most minimal reaction possible, and NEVER should he get his way if he behaves in this fashion. that being said, i also agree with the advice to let him 'win' when reasonable. you don't want to destroy that fierce autonomy, just teach him to calm down enough to listen to you, as for the next 12-15 years you have experience and wisdom that he lacks to make good decisions. we know that what he sees as control and being his boss is really about necessary good choices, but he'll learn to accept your guidance AND trust his own instincts if he's allowed to exercise his decision-making muscles whenever appropriate.
i just don't see you messing up anywhere, hon. you've just produced the type of strong leader our society will be needing as he grows up!
:) khairete
S.

have him clean up his throw up. maybe next time he will think twice about throwing up. tantrums need to be avoided and time out or a spanken given as soon as one starts.

I want to first tell you that you are doing a GREAT job! Being a military spouse is not an easy job. Your daily routine sounds just like mine, including the tv watching. Now that my oldest is in school my one year old and I watch alot of Noggin since she likes the colors. But back to what I wanna tell you.

My four year old used to have HUGE fits when i told her no and I would end up sitting in my car crying from being emberassed by the stares and comments from strangers. Eventually my sister told me to take her into the bathroom and hold her and comfort her to calm her down. Guess what...it worked! Everytime she would have a fit in public I would drop what i was doing and make a bee line to the restroom. We would sit on the floor and I would hold her and sometimes rock her to calm her down. Once she calmed down i would explain in a soft calm voice that her fit was not ok and the my answer is still no. Then after we got ourselves together we would continue our shopping trip. I later found out that my daughter is Autistic. I AM NOT saying your son is too but I am saying that terrible tempers are a sign that most parents ignore. Good luck!!!!

I don't know if you've tried this or not, but when my son is screaming and throwing a tantrum I completely ignore him. I turn away and do something very nonchalantly. I might read a magazine or do the dishes, but I act like I don't even hear him. Then when it dies down and he says something in a relatively normal tone of voice, I look over and respond to whatever he says. Obviously, I never give in to what he wants after something like that, but I might talk to him afterward and explain why I said no. Very briefly though. This way he knows he can get my attention by behaving appropriately, but he will not get my attention by behaving inappropriately. This always works for me and my son rarely behaves this way, but I'm very consistent with it. I do it every time and I ignore him completely. If he were to vomit I probably would not say anything at all to him or give him any eye contact. I would just proceed with cleaning it up. I think if you do try this, he will probably react even worse initially, but if you are consistent I think it will stop.

Good luck! Whatever you try, I hope you get it worked out soon.

Ok A.,

I am going to recommend something that will sound mean and maybe even cruel. But, here goes:

1. Say no more often. When you are at home, and you have an opportunity to say (don't say no when a yes is appropriate). Say no. You son will go into the screaming throwing up thing. Now, here's step 2.

2. When your son starts the screaming thing. Tell him that just because he's hissyfitting doesn't mean that he is going to get what he wants. You said no and you mean no. Now, here's the really hard part.

3. Walk away from him. Now, I understand he's 3, so you still need to be able to see him, but, you can't give him any attention. Don't show distress, don't ask, beg, plead with, don't fret (at least not in a way that he can see).

4. When he throws up (and he probably will once or twice before he learns his lesson), clean it up without comment.

5. Now, during this process, you might try distracting him once or twice (if it's possible), but the primary goals here is to show your son that his crying/vomiting fits won't work. It's painful to throw up. I know your son doesn't like to do it. So, all you need to do is to not make it worth his while to do so.

6. Final point, you can't be inconsistent on this. If you ever give in (even after waiting and especially long time) the only thing you will be teaching your son is how to persevere (he'll start crying even longer just in case he hasn't reached your give in threshold yet).

Like I said A., it's much easier for me to write this down than for you to do. I understand that. But, as a parent, our primary role is tor TRAIN our children. Think of it as a training exercise and know that if you do this, he will obey . . . . eventually.

Good luck Sister Mother!

T.

it looks like you have some helpful answers already, but I didn't read them all. I just want to say that you're doing a good job! it's so hard at this age with a willful child...
what I've found works best is give my son small victories. I try hard not to constantly say No. For instance, in your Wal-Mart scenario, I would have made a bargain to do my shopping first, then he could look at the toys for a few minutes.
Another tactic is I try to constantly talk to him and get him to talk to me using words. When he starts to whine or cry, I tell him to use his words to tell me why he's upset. Then I start asking questions to get him to use words instead of scream. I do it until he eventually starts talking to me. Then I can lead the discussion to where I want it to go (or distract him TOTALLY from the cause of his tantrum). Encouraging him to talk it out is a very successful tactic in our house.

Sometimes I get frustrated and just say "No" automatically when he picks up something he's not supposed to. Then I remember that it's the immediate NO that he reacts to. So then I give him a few seconds to look at whatever he's found, then he is ready to give it back to me like I ask.
It's a learning process how to alter your NO without changing the meaning of NO. you know what I mean??

My son turned 3 in late August. His temperament is pretty good but he does have times of frustration where he expresses it by stomping off of huffing & puffing. Although his behavior is not where your son's is - they are still at the same point of just that - expressing themselves. I suggest that you first of all remember that his behavior can be from a combination of things - the family situation (father not here right now), him feeling that he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it as well as him just being 3! One thing you will surely need to do is develop your patience. I know it's not easy but when speaking to your son, remember to get down to his level & speak in a calm tone. You can let him know that you can see he's frustrated or upset and we can act that out in different ways. Remind him to breathe and focus with him practicing his deep breathing - if you can find a cheap or toy stethoscope, he can hear his breathing from the inside. Incorporate counting - 1-3, 1-5 or 1-10. This will help "tune him into himself". Some call it self-soothing. Give him some suggestions like why don't you draw out on paper what your thinking/feeling - let him have some toy/child boxing gloves & punch it out on a blow-up type of toy...if you're at home when it happens, see if you can get him involved in one of his favorite activities - after breathing and calming down. He needs to hear several times in a calm manner that the vomiting behavior is not acceptable and can possibly make him sick. When he's in a good mood, look up a video online or in a book of the parts of the body, particularly concentrate on the digestive system (he's not too young to learn, trust me!)so he can see what he may be doing to his insides. Tell him to use his finger to go down his neck/throat, chest & abdomen to identify where the internal body parts are. Get him as involved in his own healing as much as possible. This is hopefully a phase of acting out...but either way, for his safety & your piece of mind, you all must work together to curb this current behavior pattern. Good luck & know that you are your son's best teacher!

My son would throw long screaming fits when he did not get his way.(They have gotten shorter as he's gotten older) It took me a while to figure this out and I know it is hard, but stay calm and do not give in. Give him as much of your time as you can, snuggle and read or even while you watch tv. Keep his life as structured as you can. He is probably feeling very out of control right now with your husband away and this is one way he can feel in control, especially if you react strongly to the tantrums. There are several good books on dealing with strong willed, spirited children you can find in the library. Two that I have found are Raising Your Spirited Child and Setting Limits with your Strong Willed Child. Just remember it is not your fault and you are doing the best that you can.

Sounds like the terrible two's (which really extends well into the three's). Your son has simply found a new and effective way to drive you crazy. It is obviously not bothering him, so try not to overreact. He is only continuing to do it because it gets such a strong reaction out of you. I would just very nonchalantly say "Uh oh" and clean it up. Once he sees it's not working, he will eventually give it up.

When my son is driving me crazy, whining, dawdling, not cooperating, I have to keep reminding myself to just be patient. The more agitated I get, the more the situation escalates, and my son finds it very entertaining to see Mommy get frazzled. If I just stay calm and wait him out, he will eventually come around to whatever it is I need him to do. Likewise, I'll bet your son is doing it for the entertainment value. Treat it like it's no big deal.

Dear A.,
Please don't let your son's actions reflect on yuo as a mom or person. You're doing the best you can. And a lot of older metor moms I know say that kids learn how to manipulate their moms at an early age. It seems you've gotten some good advice already. The one about comforting in the bathroom at the store...a maybe.
I'll keep you in my prayers..
Pammy

I have no personal experience with this, but with a 2 year old of my own I feel for you.

I thought I'd share what my daycare lady found with one of her kids. She had a little girl who would get herself so upset that she would vomit. She did this once while laying on the changing table, and ended up swallowing her vomit. She did not like this (EW!) and that was the last time she did it. Her vomit was apparently not in great quantity - I'd be a little afraid of the kid choking. But, it ended up working for them.

Besides that, I can say that when my two year old thought it would be great fun to play with his poop I had him clean it up. (Of course I helped.) But, he had to help me wipe the poop off the walls, etc. He really didn't like having to help me clean it up - that was the first and only time that he did that. Perhaps your little one could clean his own vomit? That might help him see that his actions cause and unpleasant reaction?

Good luck....

I agree that not giving in is a must, and you are doing great with a difficult situation. Sounds like control is an issue of importance for him. So, if there are situations that you know are going to be a problem, like entering the Wal-mart, prepare him in advance. Choices are probably better than a flat out "no". Maybe you could say, "Mommy needs to get the things on her list first, then if you have behaved well, you can spend 5 minutes looking at the toys, or you can look at 3 toys, etc." The other thing is perhaps giving him a small sort of allowance that is his spending money, and then you can say "You can buy that if you have enough money. Help him count his money, and then let him know how much more he needs to save if he doesn't have enough. It is never too early to let kids know that money needs to be saved up for the things we want in life, and this puts him in control because he is the one who needs to have the money, not you. Another option is a reward system with stickers or something on a chart where he can earn stickers for good behavior each time he does well in a situation that he normally struggles with, when he reaches a certain number he could receive a reward. This doesn't have to be monetary, it could simply be an extra 10 minutes looking at toys when you are at the store. Also, if you have someone locally you can leave him with, you could try leaving him at home a time or two and explain that "mommy is going to the Wal-mart by herself, because when I take you, you throw a fit and throw up, and that is not acceptable behavior. Maybe next time you can come with me and have a second chance." This will help him to learn that he isn't going to spoil your trip with his antics, he will just loose his opportunity to go in the future. (make sure the person watching him is aware that he is likely to throw a fit and throw up when you leave, and that it is okay to let him have his fit in a safe place).