Help with a 5 Year Old Daughter

Try not taking her anywhere for a while and explain that she has to stay home with ??? because she doesent listen to mommy. If you do take her out...put her on a leash, it's embarassing for her and say NO right off to anything she asks....explain that she must show improvements over an extended period to gain back privledges. Take away TV, or anything else she loves until she falls in line.

I think it will be really helpful to get her in school.

Also, pick up some books that focus on positive discipline.

How consistent are you with your rules and discipline? I ask this only because I know that 5-year olds have the energy we need and they don't mind noise or making a scene to get what they want. If you discipline her most of the time but not all the time and/or, if you stick to your guns about the rules this time but cave the next because you can't stand it anymore (and, believe me, I completely understand about that!), then that is sending mixed messages to her and letting her know that you do have a breaking point and if she yells and screams loud enough then, hopefully, you will reach that point. I'm not saying that's the case but it's just something for you to think about.

Also, what I have found useful for me with my kids is that, each time we go to the store, before we even get out of the car, I tell them how I expect them to behave, what we are planning on purchasing while we are there, and what the consequences will be if they even try to throw a fit while we are there. There have been times when we are in the store where I can tell that they are going to try to start something up but, because we've already had this discussion just a few minutes ago, all I have to do is remind them about our discussion and that pretty much nips that in the bud really quick.

When my children were younger, I made it known that there are naughty corners all over the world and there have been a number of times where they have had to stand in the naughty corner in the store until both my child has had a chance to cool off and, frankly, I have as well.

Your daughter may also benefit from learning some self-soothing, frustration tolerance techniques. When she is not in the middle of acting up, you can teach her how to do big, deep baloon breaths (count in for the count of 5, hold it for 5, exhale it for the count of 5) that she can do when she starts to feel herself getting really worked up and about to lose control. Another thing she can do is place her hands together in prayer position in front of her chest, pushing her hands together for a count of 5 seconds and then releasing it. This really helps to give a physical outlet for all of that frustration you are feeling when you are about ready to explode. If you teach her these skills during a time that she is not upset or mad, then you can remind her to do them to when you can see that she is working herself up.

These are all things that you can try if you want. Some of them, you are familar with already or may not apply to your situation but hopefully there's something there that you can use. If, after trying all of this, you still don't feel that you can get a handle on what's going on here with your daughter, then you may want to start checking out a couple of parenting books to get some better qualified advise that you can follow or possibly consulting with a child psychologist who can hopefully steer you in a better direction.

Hope this helps.

Our son has ADHD and severe behavioral issues, so we've picked up some useful strategies from his behavioral therapist. Here's one to consider. If she acts out big-time, the world comes to a halt. Clear out all of the toys in her room and she has to start earning them back through good behavior. You're in charge and this really reinforces that. It was not easy for us to make the decision to try this (not only a lot of work but seemed so dramatic), but it truly did make a difference for quite a while.

Good luck! I've been there with the attitude, mouthiness and tantrums, so I know how challenging it can be.

Take a deep breathe..unfortunately this can't been solved overnight but your daughter can be changed to act differently. First, ignore tantrums and if she gets worked up and sick..well she will have to clean it up..with your help. This type of behavior can only be overcome with strict..and I mean strict discipline. If she throws something, then whatever it is gets taken away for good. (on top shelf of closet that she can't see or get too). Manners have to be taught and not self learned. Prompt to say please..thank you without those words nothing is given..a drink water?? nope not til I hear those words. Harse maybe but we really have to rein this behavior in fast and quickly. Out in a store and she throws a fit.. fine..take her to the car, put her in her seat..don't say a word and go home. Find a sitter, husband whoever to watch her and say..since you can't behave then I will have to go alone this time and the next time. Maybe when you can behave in the store you can go with me. Frustrating yes..time consuming yes..Worth it? absolutely!!! Once you have regained the power of discipline over your child you will find behavior a lot more to your likeing and the bad behavior will be at least a minimum. Good Luck!

i use to have the same problem with my 7 year old. if she starts throwing a tantrum in the store we leave and get nothing. i then go back with out her. the next time i go to the store i don't take her along and i tell her why and remind her what happened the last time and we will try again next time. i also tell her what i expect before we go into the store. if she cant get anything this time i tell her. i also tell her the consequenses for breaking the rules.

What needs is she trying to meet by this behavior?
Is there a hidden cry of her heart?
This is a training issue. And it is a relationship issue.I have been through this with all three of my kids. Yes, I have walked out with a screaming kid, out of stores, museum exhibits, restaurants, parks, I have been there. But now everywhere I go, people compliment me on my children.

Are you setting expectations with her in times of non-conflict?
Before going to a store, when all is quiet, in a firm and gentle voice:
"Jane, we are going to the store now. Here is how we behave in stores. We walk quietly until Mom is done shopping. You hold my hand. I will not buy you anything."
If she starts to throw a fit, calmly say, "we are leaving now because you are throwing a fit." THEN DO IT. Follow through is essential. Staying calm is essential. Say nothing more, just leave and go home. No threatening, no repeating, no blaming. You must remain in control because she will test you.
She (and you) need to be very clear about what is expected before you go anywhere or do anything. In fact the first time, make sure you don't really need to go to the store and keep it really short so that she can have success. You want her to succeed! Praise her for fantastic behavior! She needs to hear that you noticed her good behavior and your praise is her reward. Report her good behavior to others while she is there. Each time you go into a situation, briefly, calmly review your expectation of her before the fact. Look her in the eye and tell her lovingly exactly what you expect her to do (leave out threats and leave out any mention of bad behavior).

You must master walking into a store, calmly buying your things and leaving. Only then, can you go to the next step. "Jane, I have noticed that you are getting really good at going to the store with Mom! Last time we went I was so proud that you walked with me and we got my stuff. We are going to the store again today. Is there ONE thing you can think of you'd like to get?" It's one thing. If she can't think of something appropriate, suggest a choice between 2 things you are willing to get and you know she likes. Review the expectations. "Jane, we're going in now. I will get [your thing] at the end of our time. I need you to [remind her briefly of your expectations] and then we will get your thing."

It is SO IMPORTANT to stay positive and act like you expect her to act this way. And to calmly walk out if a fit is thrown. You are calm and in control of the situation. Don't make your actions dependent on what she does. Don't try to reason with her while she's in a fit. Just train her in calm times and talk about your expectations. If you stay calm, she'll eventually stay calm. If you are polite and positive to her, she'll feel more secure.

SAY NOTHING if she throws a fit except, "We have to leave now, because you are throwing a fit."

Mouthy behavior is the same type of process. "Jane, do not talk to me that way. It is not right." But ask yourself, "Am I treating my daughter as I want her to treat others? Am I talking to her in a way that lets her know I love her? How is my attitude toward her?"

When I was having issues with #2, a mentor of mine asked, "How often do you look him in the eye? Are you giving him hugs and having positive interactions?" Wow! I had to realize that I was almost completely ignoring him and not giving him any positive attention. His negative behavior was a cry of his heart...it looked like just bad behavior but it was really his way of saying "Mom, do I matter to you?" Once I realized that, I worked really hard to create positive interactions with him and things got a lot better.

Hope this helps!
God's blessings!

With us, we talk a lot of what we will be doing ahead of time on our daily to do list (I use a whiteboard for him and hubby lol). We use praise and little rewards. For example, if we go to the market. I let my son know ahead of time that we will be going to the market. I make it a fun game that he gets to help with the market list and if he can do that then he gets a gumball from the machine that they have there. He likes that. I notice when I make things an adventure ahead of time and give him the heads up things get easier. I took him to the bank and he helped me make a deposit. I get him involved. Also, I take a gummy worm or something fun for him on the trip if I need it. The tantrums in our case have diminished but definitely as Debbie G. said there must be consequences using their "currency". I send him upstairs to his room for time outs but I call it "thinking time" and I tell him why he is going there. He doesn't like that but gets around to "thinking" why he is there and then apologizes. Also, if the behavior is really bad we do take an item away. Our son has Aspergers so tantrums and meltdowns come with the territory but he is doing so much better. Good luck!

I think one of the things that works best with my (soon to be 5 years old) daughter when going places is to give her expectations before going to the place with consequences following if she does not obey. I started this when I got tired of the public tantrums. Now, I don't always have to do this with her, but I usually have a good feeling of when I do and I am always amazed at how well it works. Then you just have to follow through with punishment if it doesn't happen.
Oh and start praising her when you do notice the good behavior.

Try this, it might help you too. Plus you can start doing the same thing your son.

We use Love and Logic! And love it! They have seminars, books, cds, etc.
Good luck!

I highly recommend "Parenting with Love and Logic". It sounds like a perfect approach to dealing with your daughter.

Good Luck!

I have read up a little bit (Dr. Phil books - FYI) He would say that you need to take everything away and have her earn stuff back. Yes, there will be hell to pay, but it is the only way that she will know that you mean business. My guess is that she has more "things" that she really needs. (Because most kids in our part of the world do.) When she throws a tamtrum like that, you need to stay calm and stick to your guns. If you give in, that teaches her that if she does that she will get her way. (Which would mean that you are reinforing her behavior.) It will be hard, but you can do it! Otherwise you will have TWO kids who act like this on your hands.... Good luck!

Your daughter is smarter than you give her credit for. When you tell her she needs to be good to get something and then she is bad you don't need to explain it to her...she already knows.
Has she been doing this for awhile now? Because it sounds like the typical 2/3 year old tantrum that has never been dealt with. When my son started throwing tantrums when he was 2 years old I tried time outs, punishing, and explaining. None of those worked. I did some reseach and found that most mothers agreed what to do...ignore the behavior. When my son threw a fit I would pick him up, carry him to his bedroom, and calmly tell him "You can come out when you are calm and ready to talk." At first I had to stand outside the door and hold the handle so he couldn't get out. Once he calmed down I would talk to him about how his behavior was innappropriate and not acceptable. I would also help him come up with alternate ways to communicate his needs/wants (what could he have done differently). If we were in public and he threw a fit I would pick him up without saying a word, carry him to the car, strap him in, and then drive home. If he was still crying when we got home I would leave him in the car until he calmed down. It took 4 or 5 fits for him to come around and stop the tantrums, although he still tries it once in awhile (he is almost 6). I just stick to the old standby and tell him to go to his room until he is ready to talk like a big boy. The main thing is for you to stay calm...don't yell, don't talk to her...don't give her a reaction because that is what she is counting on. When she realizes she is not going to get a reaction, or attention, from her behavior she will change.
Good luck!

Are you sure you don't have my child? You just described my life. Point blank, we take stuff away. She hates that. I give her 5 seconds to get herself together. If not, then we we get home she doesn't get a snack, or green blankie, or her shows or whatever she likes.When we first started that she didn't care, but once we followed through she was like - oh - wait - let me rethink this tantrum. She still will have one but they have lessened and they are over much quicker. Sometimes all within "You're going to lose the good night show if you dont get it together in 5-4-3-2 . . . ". Then she trys to catch her breath saying she's calm. "Can I get my shows before bedtime - look i'm being good".

At that age, structure and routine are really important. If your days are kind of loosey-goosey and unorganized, try to establish some order and routine. Children find it incredibly reassuring if they know what to expect, if they know what will happen next and how it will happen, and if their days are predictable to a certain extent.

Once you've started establishing a daily schedule, start figuring out daily routines (when I wake up, Mommy snuggles with me; at breakfast I always have oj and a vitamin, and I get to watch tv when I eat; after breakfast I clear my dishes, etc.). Teach her the routines, step by step. Remind her when transitions are coming up.

These are things that might help her feel calmer and also better about herself.

I completely agree with Jamie M and Cindy D. You have to completely and totally buckled down right. Tough Love. Your daughter needs to learn consequences for her actions. During the drive to where ever you're going, ALWAYS talk to her about how you expect her to behave, and use the word "expect". Also tell her beforehand what her punishment will be if she does not behave the way you expect her to. She is old enough to understand these words. If she breaks your rules, leave without a huge explanation. Simply telling her "That's it. You broke my rules...I'm taking you home now." Ignore the tantrum, put her in the car and take her home without another word. Talk with her about how you expect her to behave at home. If she breaks the rules at home, forget about time out in a corner, and forget about only a few minutes for time out. Right now, she needs to know that you are serious, you are the boss, and that you WILL follow through with your threats. Taking a beloved toy away for a few days will work for a while, but sometimes they start to realize that they have other toys, and then don't really care anymore when a toy gets taken away. When my kids got like this, and I was at the end of my rope, the only "pinishment" that worked, was again without a huge explanation, I would tell them they broke the rules, now you're going in your bed. And I would put them in their bed with no toys and no stuffed animals, and make it clear that they were not to get out of their bed until I came in and said they could get out. And I waited 20 to 30 minutes. That was the only thing that worked for me. Then they finally realized that I was in charge...and their behavior changed real quick. It was about a whole day of them testing me, and every single time...they went right into their beds for 20-30 minutes. If you're child refuses to stay in bed, then I would remove EVERY SINGLE fun thing from their room and put an extra tall baby gate in their doorway. Believe me, once they realize that there will be a consequence for their bad behavior, you will rarely have to use this punishment!

I have problems with my boys, too , so I almost feel like I shouldn't be giving you advice! But a piece of advice our pediatrician gave us once that I always try to remember...you have to find out what her "currency" is. Meaning, what is important to her, that you can take away or use as discipline. We would try time out, taking away TV, grounding him indoors, taking away his bike, etc etc etc. We FINALLY found his "currency" was his Nintendo DS. Once he knew we would take that away, he behaved! One thing to remember about this, the "currency" changes often. Whatever she enjoys the most at that time is what you would need to take away. If you take away something she doesn't care too much about, it won't bother her. Something else our pediatrician recommended was reading the book "1-2-3 Magic". It is very good and WORKS. We have let things slip a little and have discussed reading it again to get it working again (the book even discusses that if it stops working, it's because you have slacked off...I agree!).