New Family

It's a transition time. Spend a lot of time together doing family things and they'll start to feel like a family.

The two of you need to sit down and talk and decided how to deal with this as a couple. You need to recognize that the kids are going to play you guys against each other so you need to be united. Even if you disagree a bit you need to try to support each other and talk about differences in private.

Blending families is hard. It's a big adjustment for adults and kids.
Discipline them as they need it, and be consistent.
And give it time.
And don't expect them to get along all the time. My sister and I love each other dearly, but fought like cats and rats when we were kids.

Well the first step would have been to get married before moving in. It's already too late for that, so just move to the next step, which would have been pre-marital family counseling. Blending families is really hard and a neutral, third-party professional can help guide you and your significant other to defining shared goals, household rules, discipline techniques, etc. so that expectations are clear for everyone and everyone feels like his or her voice is being heard and boundaries are respected.

You don't say how old the kids are but as a general rule, whatever age each is now, that's how long it will take them to really feel like a family. So if one if the kids is 7, she'll fell really blended at age 14. It's a long time, but when you blend families, you're dealing with kids who have already seen their families broken up so they don't really trust that this new family is permanent for a long, long time (if ever) and therefore, their instinct is to take sides. You have to expect that and be patient, and also understand that as a good parent, you will always put your children first and as an equally good parent, your boyfriend will also always put his daughter first, in situations where you really have to choose the best interest of one over the other. Some couples can live with this reality, others can't.

I suggest that if you want the kids to believe that you're not just playing house, set a date, plan a wedding, and seal the deal. In the meantime, work with a family counselor who can help you all through the transition and ease some of the more common landmines that families who are blending go through. It's a lot of work but if you two are right for each other and good for each others' kids, it's worth it.

FWIW I'm in a blended family with my son, his daughter and two sons together. It's been really, really hard and I wish we had done family therapy from the get-go as we probably wouldn't have gotten married at all and would have saved ourselves years of stress and heartache. There are lots of happy blended families out there, but there are some big landmines the navigate and if you can work through those together, your chances of happily ever after are higher than if you go in on blind faith that things will work out.

I blame The Brady Bunch.
They made blending families look so easy - and it isn't.
It takes a long Long LONG time and lots of effort.
The kids are going to resent it - they have no choice in this and you adults are doing this to them.

Get some family counseling.
The kids need to know how to relate to each other.
Couples counseling is good too - as parents you BOTH need to join together and present a united front with the kids - no playing favorites - no yours vs mine - same rules and discipline for all of them - they are ALL OURS.

Blending families is hard and complex! It's so much more than putting things under the same roof. I strongly suggest family counseling or find classes in your area on how to blend families. You all need to hash out chores, holidays, rewards/punishments, rules, bedtimes,etc. You and your boyfriend need to get on the same page, immediately. I'm sure he has his way of handling things and you have yours--you need to come up with "ours".

1. Don't force children to live together before they are officially a family and without therapy. That's selfish. YOU have chosen this, but they have not.
2. Welcome to life with two sisters. Of course they blame each other! What did you expect?

All of the children are confused. There is no commitment between you and BF. Are you in a new "turf" or residing in one or the others home which has been turned upside down?

Children see this as playing house and each child has lost something per their prospective here... knowing there's no way mom and dad will ever be together again and expected to play nice in this new environment.

It's sad that you couldn't show the children your commitment first by marrying each other vs playing house but what's done is done.

Blended families are HARD!!! My suggestion is family counseling and figure out if you are going to marry or not before putting the children through more hell.

How old are the kids and did his daughter get displaced by yours in the pecking order? Did she lose her own room because of a smaller house (or more people)? Did you move into an existing house or did you and BF get a new house? Those things matter.

I think that you and your fiance need to remember that you don't just put people together and hit puree. The honeymoon is over now, so you both need to be a united front, have house rules that apply to all the kids, and keep the long view.

How is her FATHER going to take the lead on this? She's gone from everything for herself to sharing everything and I understand that's hard. I have a cousin who was very spoiled. The only granddaughter for miles. Then my sister and I moved local and she hated it. So on the one hand, understand that this is new for everyone and on the other your BF should be taking steps to resolve his child's behavior. Is this truly new or just not something you saw in previous visits? Know this - her DAD needs to be stepping up here and if he can't, then don't marry him.

I bet that a lot of it is normal kid behavior magnified by the new housing arrangement. Try to take a step back and see it not just as his kid vs your kids. Try to help them see it from each other's POV. Try to give each kid his or her own space. How old was your first kid when the next came along? How did you deal with the jealousy then? When my DD was born, I made it a point to do things for/with the sks so that they understood they were still important.

ETA: You also aren't living in a vacuum. Where are the other parents? Is it possible that her mom isn't happy so she's not happy? Or is her mom MIA and she sees you being mom with your kids and that's hard? There are a lot of factors here.

i'm not hung up on marriage, and if living together is great for all concerned, more power to you.
but it's clearly not the case for you. say he 'even' asked you to marry him, as if boy oh boy, isn't HE going above and beyond! what a prince!
if marriage is your goal, then you took a huge misstep in forcing your kids into a family situation when you and the bf aren't fully committed to each other. no wonder they're angry and confused.
you don't mention whether or not you and your boyfriend parent together and are on the same page vis a vis family and parenting philosophies. so that's a great place to start.
it isn't sibling rivalry. these kids don't consider each other 'siblings'. they're strangers thrown together into each other's space because mommy and daddy are playing house. and you resent the little girl?
i don't know what beyond family counseling can get you on track. what would be a great idea would be to live separately and continue to let your families grow together over time until you're ready to get married and actually plan a future as a truly blended family.
khairete
S.

Counseling for the whole family. This is a very difficult dynamic and especially for the kids.

Siblings fight and try to blame the other to shift the attention and get out of trouble. This is not a new dynamic. However, when you're blending families its a little more complicated b/c the dynamic has changed. When my kids were younger, I implemented the "I don't care who started it or said what, if I have to intervene you both get time out". That stopped a lot of it. When you blend, kids are testing boundaries just like if its a traditional family dynamic. The biggest thing though is time. They need time to adjust. Try not to sound the alarm for every minor thing. They have to figure some of this out too or you'll spend every second mediating every little stupid disagreement. Establish clear boundaries with their stuff and their space. It's taken time for my kids to adjust and four years later they are still adjusting to different parenting with their stepbrothers.

I agree with others that counseling will be very helpful for your family. This is a huge change for your kids and some personalities have a very hard time with change. I also wanted to ask what age your kids are and what age is his daughter. My kids will argue, push each other's buttons, and be jealous of each other. My daughter, who is 5, will be playing nicely with her brother and then things will escalate and she has taken to being overly dramatic when things are not going her way. I have caught her telling little lies (He HIT ME! No I didn't, Mom I didn't!). She will do a lot of blaming. I think bc she is so much younger she feels like she has so little control, and this is her way of trying to get some control. My son, who was an only child for 5 years, has a hard time sharing and will get very frustrated and mad at his sister when she bothers him. He will be sneaky and try to bug her when I am not looking which sets her off. I think that you have to realize it will take years of adjusting and working with these kids. His daughter needs extra help learning the right way to behave and to handle life's stresses. Find a family therapist that you all like and he/she will help you with how to work on these issues.

So you mean to tell me your own two children have never behaved this way towards each other? I would find that very hard to believe. I have four kids, same mom, same dad, and somebody, anybody, nobody and their siblings have always been to blame for their failures.

Stop looking at this as a mixed family issue and see it as a normal parenting issue and move on and parent.

You need to sit down with you fiancé and figure out together how to handle the children and their adjustment, and then talk to them all. Make family meetings a regular thing so people can air out their issues and you can work on them all together as a family.

Blended families are not easy and everyone needs to adjust.

B is correct that children most often do not have a voice in what's happening in their worlds. It's important that you, your bf, and the children all talk about what's going and how to work together.

Remember that siblings from the same birth parents also do not get along and often have similar problems. Once you are married you become family, for better or worse.

Also, I would change your question to "new blended family". You might get more responses from parents of blended families. :-)

My friend is going through something similar - her boyfriend's daughter was used to being his only girl - and now has to share him with my friend, and my friend's daughter.

His daughter was used to being Daddy's little girl (his everything) and now she is adjusting to the fact that another little girl is vying for his attention.

I think it's a hard adjustment. I would give it time. Let boyfriend have some one on one time with his daughter, and let her have her own space ... it takes a while to adjust to siblings (and a new mom, and a new home..) and if she is acting out a bit, that's probably pretty normal. I would lower your expectations a bit. I would have been a mess as a kid if that were me - some kids can adjust a lot more quickly than others (some are easy going, others not so much ... need time and understanding).

I would let everyone just settle in first (it's only been 3 weeks). The territorial part makes sense to me. He's been all hers and if she went through a divorce with her parents, he may be her one constant.

Good luck :) In my friend's case, things have gotten better as time has gone on if that helps.

Family therapy will do wonders. It's only been three weeks so you all need time to adjust. Also, you have to see her side; Your daughter has her brother and she is alone in all of this. Try giving her some extra time and attention.