New Baby and Terrible Two's?

Hi A. - I don't have any additional advice, but I am going through the same exact thing right now - I have a 2 1/2 yr old and a 5 week old! All I can say is things have gotten a little better as time goes on. I felt the same conflict about not being available for both kids 100% - it's hard! Best of luck to you!

I am sure he is acting out for your attention. Instead of having grandma's take him out why don't you try having grandma babysit and you take Will to the park or whatever he likes to do. He may feel pushed aside right now and by showing him you will spend time with him and leave baby with grandma may help. I know how hard it is to juggle two children right now but I think helping Will deal is much more important right now. The babies needs are much simpler and are being met, but Will's needs at his age seem to be greater. Try to put aside some special time with him and use grandma's to help with the new baby. Does Will attend preschool this may be a good time to give him a distraction and let him have fun interacting with other children. Even if it is a few mornings it may help. Let's face it with the stress and lack of sleep you are experiencing I am sure it seems like Grandma is more fun, but you are his mommy and you will always come first. Good luck it will get easier I am sure of it.

Hi A.
Congratulations on the new baby!! What a wonderful family!!!
Will is probably just getting the independence he needs, and as far as grandmas are concerned, isn't it wonderful that you are near enough that Will can bond with them, and not the day care worker or baby sitter. Are you feeling up to going out? Perhaps the walk would do you good, if you left grandma with Elliot, if not perhaps the back yard would be just as interesting, tossing a ball, or teaching Will to jump rope, or look at the bugs, leaves or other wonderful things that nature has to offer.
But I think you might be going through some baby blues, which is also quite normal. Pay attention to it and make sure it doesn't continue to progress, and if in doubt call the OB for an evaluation for postpartum depression.
I have a question, does Will come running in after his trip to the park to tell you all that happened? Some kids do and that is a way that you can share his time with your parents. If he doesn't perhaps asking will help him to share, so you feel a part.
Just some thoughts! Make sure you are getting some rest and sleep.
Again Congrats on a wonderful family.
K. === old enough to be your mom and encouraging you to talk to her/ and your mil too. SAHM married 39 years --- adult children 38,33,and twins 19.

Hi - My kids are 17 months apart and my son did the same thing. He is jealous and does not know how else to express it. It is tough but I had to figure out how to give him the attention he needed. I also did a playgroup every week which helped a lot. I also got him his own baby doll and he used to bathe it in the sink when I bathed his sister.
Good luck!

Hello A.,

Include William in everything you do for Elliott!! As much as possible anyway.

You should be the one taking William to the park! There is no reason why you shouldnt be doing the things with him that you used to do. Have his grandmas watch the baby sleeping while you take him to the park. Or, better yet, have them come with you and Elliot and William to the park, so you can play with William while they keep an eye on Elliot. The air will be good for him! Just stick to your regular routine before Elliott came.

My oldest daughters are 20 months apart. Everywhere I went, my first daughter went with me. My mother also told her that the baby in my belly was HER baby and that she would have to help me to take care of her. She did everything but feed her, I breastfed (but she did sit on the chair with me; every time), and actually change her diaper and dress her! She brought me diapers/wipes, clothes she wanted her baby to wear. She decorated the baby's dresser, helped to make her crib up, pushed the swing when she was in it, helped wash, rinse and dry baby. Pretty much everything!

I dont know, maybe its different with boys, but my girls grew up to be the best of friends, and still are at 18 and 16.

Also, spend time with William while Elliott is sleeping! If you do arts and crafts, ask him to make something first for you, then for the baby, if he wants to. Ask him if he would like to pick out Elliot's clothes for the day/night, which blankets should he use? Let him have an opinion when it comes to the new baby. And, while he's sleeping, do something for him and say its from Elliot because he loves him and wants to thank him for being a good big brother.

You'll be surprised how much he will change once he realizes that he is still part of the family and you still love him just as much. No matter how many times you say this to him, he's only 2 1/2 and wont understand these words, actions are what will show him that he's not being left out, or left with grandma!

After a couple days, or maybe weeks, you should see a difference in William. And, dont forget that if he gets too out of control, he does still need to be punished, for hitting. Talking to him once or twice, (Please dont do that, it hurts me and hurts my feelings, its a naughty thing to do, and if you keep doing it, I will have to punish you, time out) Remember not to say that you are afraid that he will hurt the baby, this will cause resentment. Do not include Elliott when punishing his naughty behavoir. He'll begin to think its the baby's fault he's in trouble.

And, I'm sorry, I know this is long, my responses usually are. Do not tell William you can not do something for him because of Elliott. Ask him to help you so you can get something done a little faster, so you can do something he wants you to do. I know, it doesnt go faster, but it is a way to include him, and take his mind off what he wants for just a couple more minutes, and you can finish what your doing with Elliott; as family.

Good luck.

I like Mindy's suggestions a lot! I have a 2.5 year old and have been holding off on a 2nd for the exact scenario you have written about. I would have to think that if I were you, I would have to give my oldest more attention and comfort and really go out of my way to make him still feel like #1 b/c he is right now. Terrible twos on top of it!!! I would suggest the same thing, even if a new baby weren't present. My 2.5 year old can be VERY TERRIBLE and I was constantly "fighting" with him to "discipline" him and I finally realized that I was going about it all wrong (we still have "fights") but I realize how much of a power struggle it is OR a cry out for attention. I also notice the minute I get stressed, impatient or frustrated that he turns into a different child - and not one for the better. So I have to really try and keep my emotions in check! Congratulations and good luck!

Hi A.,
Congrats on the new baby! How wonderful that you have both grandmas to pitch in and help. My suggestion ia have a grandma help by caring for the baby for an hour each day after you feed him so that you can take William out to play, read him stories, or do something fun with him. Take grandma with you to the park and have her do everything for the baby other than feed him, so that you can spend that time playing with William.
While I didn't have such a young child when my 2nd was born, my daughter was 4 when my son was born, something that I did was when the baby started to fuss, I would announce "You have to wait a minute, I am busy doing something with Kayleigh right now," and she got the message that she was coming first and the baby would get my attention when I was done with her.
good luck

I know how you feel, My oldest was aonly 1 year and 3 weeks old when our second was born. But, I agree with some things I have learned and heard. Include William when doing things for Elliott. Work with William to know where the diapers are and stuff and ask him to help you get the diapers and to help you being the big boy and you need his help. When you nurse, Can you read a book with him, or during the nursing time, he can watch his favorite movie or show, like the VeggieTales or something? When his grandmother takes to the park, do they drive there? can you go along and let the grandmother so some things with him. He's hitting because he is frustrated and that is their way to express anger and it's typical for all to do that. Also, you may want to have grandma watch Elliott and take William for an ice cream or something. Just William and Mommy time. All children need that Mommy and me time.He will eventually learn that attention is divided but if he's involved helping you take care of Elliott, then things may change and may be later or sooner. Depending on the child. Grandmothers can't take place of Mommy. Don't worry about that. I don't believe that 2 year olds really think as concretely as us-adults that grandma is more than Mommy and they don't. He may feel that he's left out and no attention so that is why you need to include him in makeing food, baking and getting Elliott changed and dressed reading to him at bedtime...Mommy and me time includes going out once a week or so to get ice cream and reading and singing together at bedtime. Don't worry, this time will pass but do those things now with him. Let us know how things went.

All perfect kids freak out when a sibling is born and it will likely last a few months. The first 3 months are hardest bc the newborn needs u first. So your 2 yo feels abandoned and wants your attention anyway he can--bc that's what he's used to. What I did when I had my 2nd and my child was also 2.4 months, everytime baby cried I wondered out loud (in front of 2 yo) hmm, is baby hungry or wants milk or dirty diaper? I said this everyday until my 2 yo started saying it. Made us all involved. Eventually we all got milk ready or a diaper...we all went to get baby when he woke up. Now they play together (he's a year old)!
Also good idea with distractions from other people. First few months can you get a helper or sitter to watch baby more so u can be with older and have specail time eaxh day?

Kids are like little mirrors and will reflect our emotions. Will is looking for attention and wondering about all the attention you a giving Elliot, on top of that he is sensing YOUR conflicting emotions. Then these grandmas are telling him what to do and taking him AWAY from you. Its all quite confusing for him and he is trying to figure it out.
You need to relax and realize this is all normal behavior and he will settle down. Try not to give him attention when he has tantrums and give him time outs when he hits. When you are feeding the baby have Will sit next to you and read a book or watch a DVD. Make feeding Elliot a special time for you and Will too. Talk to Will and it will stimulate Elliot also. Perhaps Will can turn pages of a book and you can read it to him. If feeding time is around nap time, you can have Will cuddle next to you and you can hum or pet him to sleep. Kids dont always have to nap in cribs.

When my second son was born, my oldest would throw himself down and shout, "Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!" as if he hurt himself. It was an attention getter. He'd be great with the baby when I was looking but a few times when I wasn't, I saw him pop his brother on the head. Another time, he pushed the swing up so high if the baby wasn't buckled in, he would've fallen out.

You're right that he's acting out, wanting your attention and I understand how hard it is with a new baby that's demanding it all the time. However, instead of having William's grandmas take him to the park, why don't you take him and let Grandma stay with the baby. I'm sure they'd be thrilled. If you're nursing, then go right after a feeding. If the baby's feeding every couple hours, that'll give you a bit of time. And if you have a cell phone, Grandma can always call if the baby is crying and unconsolable. You'll probably enjoy the time out with just William and away from the baby. And Grandma will eat up the time they can cuddle and snuggle and have the baby to herself to gush all over.

Dear A.,

I too have a newborn and an almost 2.5 year old girl. Our pediatrician gave us the best advice prior to our second daughter being born. She said that when people come over to help their first thought is to take the older child to assist the parents. The exact opposite should happen. Your older child wants time alone with you like before and will start to resent and hate when people come over thinking immediately they will be taken away. You can take the time away from your newborn and give your son a solid chunk of time that is just the two of you. There were days when our "alone" time was running errands, but I tried to make it as special as possible. Obviously there are days that are harder than others, but cut yourself some slack and realize that your world has just been turned upside down again, you have hormones raging through your body and it will get easier. Everyone is going through an adjustment and will find their way.

Also, try to include your son in as much as possible with the new baby. When I have to feed the baby I try to make sure I am still engaged with our older daughter. We also got a lot of "big sister" books that helped explain what was going on and so she knows that babies cry to tell us something, she can do things the baby cannot, etc. We constantly made a big deal out of her being a big sister in the beginning and she loved the title.

Again, be kind to yourself and know your son loves you just as much as he did prior to the new baby. He is just trying to process all of the change that came into his life. Instead of harping on the negative with him, try to go over and above praising him for good behavior. It helps.

Best of luck!

Dear A.
Why would you feel embarrassed to admit that you love to spend every minute with your precious son?
That's why you are a Mom! You love to be the one person that is there for your boy and give him all he needs.
Also we realize how quickly time goes and that in a blink of an eye, another milestone could have happened and we could miss it if we are not RIGHT THERE. Not to mention that you just love him and have such a bond with him. You are missing him too you know. You are very busy with the new baby, but your heart is missing the time when it was just you nad him.
Don't be embarrassed, be proud that you are such a wonderful and loving Mom!! (and the baby blues at this time don't help in such a situation....UGH!! ;) Hang in there!! That part will get better!!

Obviously, your son is having difficulties with the new baby and the fact that he does not have you all to himself as he has been so acustomed to having you for the last 2.5 years. He has a lot of transitioning to do.
I think he is just one of those kids that acts it out more as some will retain it all in. Acting it out is a good thing b/c you are able to see there is an adjustment problem.
Are you able to get out of the house at all yet?
IDK if you had a C-section where you would need to be resting more right now, but perhaps you can take a little time away from your new born and let the Grandma's help with him. Then maybe you can spend a little one on one time with your son and during playtime try to talk to him about how much you still love him and give him lots of kissed and hugs. Allow him to do things to help you with the new baby. Getting the diaper or the ointment? Simple things that he can do to help with the baby.
It is hard at his age to reason with him, so the time that you spend with him will be more beneficial.
I know it is hard. You now have a new born that needs you and you are drawn to. If you are nursing the new baby, that makes you even more attached.
I have only one baby, so I cannot coach you on how to help your little guy adjust. I am sure there are lot's of Moms here that will help you out at that end.
But I just wanted to give my 2 cents in the area of setting certain times up to spend with your older boy when the new baby is not needing you.
It must be tough on you and I know you need your rest too.
My cousin came to visit with her little girl when my daughter was about 14 months old and her daughter was 6 months old. OMG the look that my daughter gave me when she saw me hold the baby. It was of complete shock. I could see how bewildered she was and she couldn't process that I was holding another baby.
So your little guy is having to do the same thing now.

I am sure all will work out in time, but sounds like you will have a time of it for a while. But your son will learn that he too will love this baby. And you will feel such happiness to see that love grow and grow.

Best of luck to you and your family.
God bless
P.

Hi A., Congrats on your new baby and welcome to the club. Yes, I believe your older son's terrible 2's have been brought on by his new little brother's arrival. I understand how you feel, and you are very lucky to have 2 grandma's who have time to help you, It will never happen that William will not want your attention. Hopefully this stage will pass quickly. Whenever you can, let big brother help with the baby. And, yes you can tell him you will not listen if he is screaming and hitting is unacceptable. This is a very stressful time and you can take advantage of any help you can get. Maybe there will come a day when someone can stay with baby while you have some special time with William. My first 3 were all one year apart, so I did not have this issue. They were all babies which was also not easy. Do your best, love your boys and know your life will never be as it was. Some day you will see the rewards. My best, Grandma Mary(mom of 5)

Our son was 35 months when his brother was born, and he was okay with others but MEAN to me -- it was awful. My sweet boy covered me in biting bruises!

Two things to do EACH day: one, spend 10 minutes just sitting on the floor. Ask, "what do you want to play?" and join him in normal activities -- nothing special. Get the grandmas to keep the baby during this time -- it's sacred time, because Will is so special to you. Two, have something that you do with him, the same thing at the same time each day. For us, it was the 15 minutes before dinner, we put foam stickers on black construction paper. Every day. It gave him structure, all day he knew that craft was coming and it helped him when I wasn't available.

I recommend the book The Portable Pediatrician -- lots of down-to-earth advice for how to help both boys grow at each stage of development.