Negative Feeling About Husband

Hi E.

Sometimes, having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship. We tend to spend more time taking care of the baby, cleaning house, cooking and all the daily things that need to be done. Then we have our partner and then ourselves to look after. It's a lot.

Sometimes we wonder what happened to our relationship, why did it change? Why did my partner change? I believe that what happens is that as a parent, we become so caught up in the daily grind that we forget to look at what made our relationship special.

I read that you see him as a "lovely man and also a good dad". You also mentioned that "I sometimes can't help missing about the time when we first met and I was blindly in love with him". This tells me that you still love him very much but just need time to reconnect. The disagreements that you have can be dealt with when both of you are in a good place.

Here are a few tips to help you out:

1. Plan a weekly date night. It doesn't need to be elaborate or expensive. It could be going for a walk in the park, having a cup of coffee somewhere. As long as it's just the two of you, this will help you to reconnect as you did when you first started going out.

2. Schedule some time to discuss certain issues. When we are upset or angry, we are never at our best to talk about what bothers us. Women tend to be more "emotional" about certain topics and this pushes men to "close down". This gets you nowhere. Make sure that you have a plan as to what you want to talk about. Make it short and precise. Let you partner know that it will take no more than 30- 45 minutes (or whatever time you want but don't make it too long).

3. Plan future activities together. This always spark excitement in a relationship. There is something about planning a future event that excites people. The anticipation of some great time together, to do something different bonds people together. It creates a shared experience.

I hope E. that these few tips will be helpful to you and get you going. If you wish to talk some more, you can always email me. Good Luck.

C. C.
Life Coach

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Then it's time to begin looking at your husband through new eyes... make yourself find the positive qualities in him. Maybe he's argumentative, but on the other hand he probably doesn't let others step on him (or his family either). He may not help with the dishes, but maybe he does take out the trash for you. Whatever things are bothering you, be sure to counter-think those things with positive thoughts. Too often, we can allow ourselves to let negative thoughts linger and then grow into things that don't have to be. NONE of us is perfect! If he loves you and he loves your child(ren) you are a fortunate woman.
Try being honest with him and find encouraging words to make him want to be more involved and see things your way at times.
If you haven't ever read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, it may be a start for you.
Best of luck to you, your husband, and the family you've made together.

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Oh yes deary we have been thru this stage. Something about becoming a mom changes who you are and what you are about. Your expectations change your tolerances become fewer... YOu think youve discussed your likes and dislikes and differences and preferences, but no matter how much you talk about it, when life really happens things change.
YOu will find you differ in several areas, but try to see each others point of view and accept those differences and in some ways come to a compromise. Like the meds for instance. Let your hubby know that not every "illness" requires meds. Sometimes things just have to run their course. But at the same time, see his point in wanting to help your child be comfortable thru the illness by offering some cold meds or nose spray or tylenol. A little medicine wont hurt. On other things just try to calmly talk them out and see if you can compromise, but dont expect to win him over.
I thought my dh and I had things all planned out when it came to raising kids. I was the one w/ the know how and experience. I figured he'd just do it MY way. Well for the most part he has, but when it comes to discipline we really butt heads. It has made for some turmoil to say the least. I have come to realize that WOW we really do have 2 different views or ways of doing things and this is going to cause alot of conflict. I have learned to pick my battles. REally think hard if each issue is worth arguing about or should you just move on. Sometimes you need to just let him have his way. And when you do, dont feel like you are giving in to his way of things just know that you will be keeping the peace and moving on to more important things. And realize that his way isnt so bad after all.
As far as missing how it used to be...oh yes, I long for the simple days like when we were first married. But hold on to that good memory and know that some day when the kids are grown and out of the house you can reconnect and have those good times once again. That is what keeps me going in this hectic world of parenthood.

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E., don't give up just yet. I did and I have so many regrets. I was married for 7 years and had 2 kids (6/3 at the time) and I thought 'there must be more to life than this' so I found myself, much like you, picking apart all the little stuff to make myself feel better about wanting a divorce. Instead I should have been thankful for the wonderful man I had. Go to a counselor, they can really help you commuicate better and accept the things about each other and work on changing things you are both willing to change. I have been divorced for 4 years now and he has since remarried and I am engaged as well. The most painful part is how it hurts the kids. I never saw that initially and thought my happiness was more important. Now I understand why so many people stay together for the kids. Although they are well adjusted and love all of us, my ex and I have never been able to reconnect even as friends. He won't even speak to me. Since the divorce, I have been in counselor and learned a lot about myself, my upbringing and how it affected my marriage. So, if you loved him once, you probably still do love him, probably more, it's just remembering all the things you loved and working on the rest. Good luck to you!

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It happens, E.. I don't think it's possible to live with anyone without getting very weary of certain parts of the relationship. The feeling will probably always come and go, no matter who you are living with or married to. Therefore, you can choose to stick through the less pleasant times by focusing on the positive qualities of the man you married. Sooner or later, this will help you get back to a partnership feeling again.

I sometimes think of it as husband and wife being on separate merry-go-rounds that pass one another closely. When you're courting, you're so focused that the m-g-r's are pretty tightly meshed. As more things (children, etc) come into your life, the merry-go-rounds get bigger. This means that you're passing each other in perfect synchronization for less and less time. Once you're old, and have less going on, your m-g-r shrinks again, bringing you together more often.

Whatever happens, I have never met anyone who still had that 'blindly in love' feeling after very long. It's basically impossible when you're living with someone, and having to interact with them on a daily basis. It's more of a fantasy state than anything. The reality of life is being willing to be partners and accept each other, for better and for worse, or choosing to opt out and try to find another fantasy fix. The long-term partnership deal isn't really so bad once you get used to the cycles;-).

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Puf, that i s really normal, I think it happen to me , all my friends, and all my family. There will be better moments again and also worse, but the most important thing is that you and he know that there is love to each other, even if the feelings are changing or developing to another feeling.
Missing the beginin is also natural, but all the beginins end at one point. I am not tellinig you that you shouldn't do anything to improve your situation with your husband but if he loves you and you love him (even if is not like in the begining) is allways worth it fight to find solutions in your inside and outside feelings.
Good Luck!!!!
Paz

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Dear E., It is very lonely to feel negatively about your husband. Your on the right track to keep reminding yourself about his good points. I have come across 2 books which helped me a lot. "Love Languages for Married couples" (I think the title is right)--Loved it-very funny, too! AND "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. L. (that Jewish psychologist on the radio-very conservative advice).These two help us to help the only person we can control-ourselves! The first shows how to understand what makes each of you feel loved. In dating and early marriage we use all the love languages and then later we revert to mainly 1 or 2 and the other spouse may start toward loneliness. He may be feeling it,too. The second book talks about unreasonable feelings we women start up. For instance, my husband works long hours and never complains all year. But, just let him forget to give me a card for Mother's Day (it's not his love language to give gifts-he just doesn't think of it). So, the second book would talk about my attitude and the first explains why love comes out so differently than we hope for sometimes.I hope this helps. -L.

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Hi E.,
First I have to say - WOW! there's alot of feedback on this topic.
Ok now on to you.
I married a man I knew would tell me the truth from the get go. No matter the question, the answer would always be the truth. I had to teach him to trust me to take the truth no matter what the answer would be, although always the truth, he generally thought about what he said and how he said it before actually saying it. Now he just says it.
Men are simple creatures and need simple pleasures, and have simple needs. Women are so complex that sometimes this may intimidate a man into submission. In other words, they don't know how to react to an emotional woman on any level, it doesn't matter what you are upset about to them, all they know is your upset and they don't know how to fix you.. they turn into little robots repeating what their father's taught them to do. What you could do is explain to him how you feel about certain topics such as the medication and why you feel the child shouldn't get the medicine too early in his cold - because it could do more harm than good if you don't know "how" he is sick. But he wont hear you. And if he does hear you, he may still not understand or agree with you. What you need to do is find a creative way to talk to him - this will not only show him you are trying to communicate and hope he understands, but he may retain the information you are trying to communicate.
Use scenario's he might be familiar with, even if it means you have to do a little research - like motorcycle racing - you don't want to bend too far into the turn before the right time or you will wipe out causing injury to the rider - this is the same with medication - you don't want to give meds too early or you might wind up with a low immune system incapable of protecting him from future colds.
You don't have to use sports though - what does he like....
The only way I could get my husband to understand what I was saying to him at one point in our relationship was to create a roll playing game and act out the parts as fictional creatures - rolling dice and everything. It was fun, entertaining and educational for both of us. That day we learned a whole lot about each other - we've been together for going on 13 years this winter, Married 8 of those years this summer.
Marriage is hard, and it takes alot of push and pull to get it right. You just have to find the right button to push and the right lever to pull and the exact right time to do it. It's not easy, and it will only get harder until both of you are communicating together rather than just talking "at" each other.
You may consider having a hobby just yours, something that you enjoy doing the both of you, and something you enjoy doing as a family. This could take the strain off your relationship and put focus in your individual lives as well as your intimate and family lives. It's important to maintain a certain amount of individuality during any relationship. For example - My husband loves to Roll Play (hense the roll playing scenario which actually worked) and I love to swim and shop. I am not so much for the gaming - so he goes every other weekend to DC or where ever they might be having a game - I take that time to do things that I enjoy - even if it means I get a babysitter to do it. The next weekend we do something as a family, go to the circus, go to a park, go to the gym - whatever seems to be the "thing" to do that weekend, sometimes we just go get some popcorn and watch a good movie, read or watch our 7 year old daughter play outside. it really depends on how much work you want to put into the relationship and how much trust you are willing to commit to that will make any relationship work - this opinion doesn't stop with marriage either, this also goes for best friends and siblings. I've had to work hard at my relationships with my siblings, and today I believe we are at a level playing field and we are all starting to see the "end game". and I feel we are all better people for trying and sticking to it.
I hope some of this helps you.
Aloha
E.

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My husband and I have the same communication problems. He's a wonderful man with a good heart. Our 10 year anniversary is June 6. We've had lots of ups and downs and we've gone to counceling several times to help work out this kinks.

Marriage is hard. Marriage with kids is harder. Kids are wonderful and they are a huge responsiblity. With resposiblity comes stress, and being busy so....less time to be a couple--now you are family.

We are currently under so much outside stress, that everthing my husband does makes me furious. Most days I can barely stand to look at him but the other night I was able to step out the trees and see the forrest briefly and I came to a very important realization.

He's a good man, with a good heart and I'd still choose him. Let's face it, that's what really matters. 10 years, 5 years, even 1 year from now am I going to remember all these things that make angry or disappointed. NO!

We are currently in counceling to work on our communication so we both feel loved and how to handle all the external stress by pulling together instead of apart. Date nights are important, getting away together, doing fun things together does recapture and restoke the way you were. It is unrealistic to expect that passion to stay in daily bog of resposibility. That's what vacations and weekends away are for! :)

As for the blind love we had in the beginning, well that's gone forever because now you know your husband in a deeper way that allows you to really love him. Not some romanticized puppy love but real love with warts and all--the kind that involves 90% choice and 10% feelings most of the time. Now that's the stuff true love is made of!

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E.,

I'm not sure how you feel about the Bible, but my answer to you will stem from it because to me it is the ultimate authority. I can honestly say that I have felt the same way you do many times. I've even gone so far as to think that someone else might be better suited than my husband, but then the Holy Spirit reminds me that without God I am nothing and because of the sin in my life, I have no desire to love, no desire to be the loving wife I need to be. Yes, it's hard. Yes, you don't want to do it. I don't either. It's too hard to love my husband. It's too hard to get up every day and pick up after both my children and my husband who can't be bothered to pick up his trash from last night. All that said, I can tell you that I've gotten through it each and every time by going to God and telling Him my feelings. He understands and gives me the grace and mercy to love my husband as he should be loved. God also gives me the strength to do the things I don't like doing and the peace in knowing that I'm actually doing it all for God's kingdom. I'm not doing it for my husband, I'm not doing it for my kids. I'm not doing it for me. I am being a wife, mom, soccer coach, college student, and all the other roles that come with having children and a husband because this is where God has put me and this is where He wants me. He never gives you anything you can't handle, and He NEVER leaves you to fend for yourself. He is ALWAYS there to help you figure it out. That's what the Bible is for, to help us figure out life. Hope this helps and if you have any questions, please e-mail and I'll be more than happy to give you any verses to help you.

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I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Obviously, you got married and quickly had a child. I don't know how long you dated before you got married, but there was not enough time to learn everything -- and there never is. Its difficult to learn about things that have not come up yet so while you may have had general discussions about raising children - you couldn't know how he would be about every little thing until it actually happens. I think your best bet would be to continue to believe in what you believe in. Be open and honest with your husband and explain to him why you want to do things the way you want to do them. If he disagrees, ask him to explain to you why he is so adamant about his way of doing things. Discuss all options openly and try to come to a compromise on what will work best for you and your family. You have to choose your battles with your husband - just as you have to choose them with your child. You have to decide if you can live with the things you might not love about your husband or if they are complete deal-breakers. It sounds as though he needs to just be a little more sensitive to your feelings, but other than that - he's a good guy. They aren't easy to come by so don't give up too easily. Plus, if he's good with your child - and your child has a close relationship with him - taking his father away from him for even part of the time wouldn't be healthy. If your husband is insistent on meds and other things - try to find more organic forms of meds -- or do a little trickery and fill med bottles with something organic! (if it works with the kids, it can work with the men!!LOL!) Just always try to be honest and open, don't let him invalidate your feelings. Make him take the time to truly listen and understand how you feel, and do the same for him. He may have grown up learning one way of doing things and without any factual info, he's not going to see your way. Just keep working on it. Also, always try to make some time for your relationship. Find a sitter or trade time with a friend so you can have some one-on-one time with your husband. He may just need your attention. Good luck! It happens to many of us!

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Try to cultivate your loving feelings toward him. He's right, it will be okay. Of course you have different thoughts and ideas. That's the nature of man and woman. But there is always common ground. YOU obviously love him and are in a funk. I get that way ALOT. But my hubby is a great dad and an awesome husband. We are nearly polar opposites but our love for each other always wins over whatever fleeting(yes, they will flee)feelings I may have. Just control your negative thought patterns and focus on what is so hot about him.

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I think if anyone who has been in a relationship were honest, we've all been there at one time or another. You are definitely not alone! Maybe writing down all his good points and bad points may help, so you'll see there are more good than bad and it's like you said, "he's not perfect, no one is perfect, you grow with each other, with the good times and bad times but know you're on the same journey and that's what relationships are about! Hang in there! I think too, all of us miss that excitement when we "first met". Maybe you could set up a "date" with you and your husband and see if you have family or a good friend to watch your son, that may help, I wish you the best!

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Hi E.:
If you didn't recognize it before now, men tend to be "fixers". If we share a problem or concern with them, their immediate thought is not that we just want to share and be understood or supported, it is that we are asking for a solution. You can see that it the way he wants to "fix" your child with medicine when it's not feeling well and telling you that "it's ok" when you share with him. Good men also take providing for their family very seriously, so you might find him seeming to be preoccupied with those kinds of thoughts. Giving him genuine praise/admiration such as "You're a great father." or "You're a wonderful provider. I know that you're working hard to take care of us and I wanted to say thanks." and other things that you appreciate/admire about him will help meet his emotional needs as well. He does sound like a lovely man and the more he hears that from you (without being too gushy or repetitive), the better for both of you. Also, men aren't good at reading minds, so being straightforward in your communication with them is key. When you have made the time to have an alone moment, say "Honey, I need to talk with you about something" and then tell him what you wrote in your letter to us, or print it out and let him read it. It will help give him insights into your thoughts, and you may find out that he's having some of the same feelings.
I have felt the same way that you are feeling now, and still feel that way sometimes. In a way, I think it's kind of like mourning the life that you had before your baby joined your family, or the death of the dream you had of what married life would look like so you can accept the reality of what it truly is. These are normal thoughts/feelings and you may find yourself going through the same general process if you have any more children, or at different stages of your marriage. Hopefully, you and your husband will always be growing, changing, and maturing as individuals, so of course, your marriage will do the same.

3 moms found this helpful

I can relate. I sometimes feel like my husband is just this fun room-mate. He's there sometimes and I'm always glad when he is - but he doesn't really understand or relate to me. But then I remind myself that that is just part of being a parent. We can't both be there for the kids 100% of the time. He goes to work all day and I've chosen to stay home with the kids (we have 3). Sometimes it helps me to remember that I've *chosen* to stay home and be a mom. And that if I had to choose again - I'd choose the same thing. Also - he can't relate sometimes because...he's never been there. And that's not his fault. He has to go to work and do his part for our family. So he's never (or only occassionally) known what it's like to have kids hanging all over you for 12 hours straight depending on you for everything. But that's how it's supposed to be.
What you need is some girlfriends. Other mothers who *can* relate because they *have* been there. (Like me!) I have 3 or 4 girlfriends I can call on when I need support. Also, I love to blog and read other Mommy-blogs because it helps me remember that there are thousands of other women out there fighting the same battles I am every day. We change diapers, we discipline children, we clean up messes, we chauffer children here and there. We fll other people's needs all day long and very rarely does anybody else fill our needs.
As far as those feelings of love that you had when you first met...of course you're not "blindly" in love anymore. You've seen everything of each other. All the weaknesses and flaws have become glaringly obvious now. The question is, do you still accept him as your partner? Even with those flaws and weaknesses? And if you do, aren't you *glad* that your love has evolved into a much more mature and accepting love? Sure you don't feel tingles down your spine whenever he looks at you anymore. Now you can be sure of his love even when he's not looking at you.
I hope this helps. And I hope I haven't totally missed your point. And I hope it's not too preachy. I just really feel like I've struggled with these same thoughts. I'm just trying to say...we're here for you.

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I think you would benefit from attending parenting classes together so that you have a framework to discuss your different viewpoints. It's important that the two of you are consistent about discipline and the kind of behavior that is expected.

It would also be helpful for both of you to be at your child's next well-child visit. Address the medicine issue with the pediatrician.

Lastly, you should seek out marriage counseling. The two of you don't seem to be communicating effectively. The fact that you miss the time when you were "blindly in love" makes me wonder whether you can accept the person that your husband really is.

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I think many of us have times like that. There were a few times where I seriously contemplated divorce. When you talk to him does he listen? Try to view it from an objective point of view, has he tried to change some of the things that you find unbearable? Has he made an effort to see your side? If so, try to focus on those things. I have also found that trying to schedule some time for just the two of you alone to do things you did when you were dating sometimes helps. Having a child changes the relationship because it has to. Is it just that your parenting styles are so different? Is that where all of the differences are? It is hard to keep the "romance" and excitement of those early days once there are kids in the picture. As the kids get older and they become more self sufficient (for mine it was around 6 yrs old) I found that we had more time to focus on us. Just know that you aren't the only ones who have gone through this.

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I too have been feeling the same way with my husband. We have been married for 8 years and high school sweethearts, but since having out son, who is 16months, I feel more distant than together. He,like yours,has not done any bad things like drugs,alcohol or smoking. We also have different views on how to raise our son from religion to punishment. I love him very much, but don't feel the love like I use too. We fight often and it's very sad. I don't know what to do either. I feel alone about it and feel a little comfort that it's not just me out there having these problems. I too want the love I felt from the beginning and even a few years ago.

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Dear E.,

Sounds like you've settled into the reality of marriage. And I hate to say it, but you will rarely get those 'crazy romantic' days back again. You must ask yourself the 'Ann Landers' question: 'Am I better off with him or without him?'

My late husband and I were married for 30 years; these times pass. Had he not sickened and died, we would STILL be married. Because I always asked myself that question, especially when we were young. And now you know what the answer was for me.

If all else fails, seek counseling! Even if it's just for you.

Good luck,
Pam

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Hi there,
First, I can really relate to what you are saying. I noticed that you guys weren't married long before your daughter was born, and that's our situation as well. We were surprised to see how different our parenting style was, and it caused a big disconnect between us. We both agree that the other is a great parent, and a great person, but we had to do some work to reconnect as a couple. Quite frankly we didn't do the work and we broke up, for about a minute, and then we both seemed to realize what we were doing and what we were losing. At that point we sort of grabbed on to each other and started doing the work. We started with small things that bother us, and we don't agree still on a lot, but we are learning how to trust each other even if it's done differently than we would do it ourselves. We're making it a point to hold hands more often, to touch in passing, to stop and kiss each other as we pass in the kitchen. We don't have time for many date nights, but we try. And we're really giving up our own control to let ourselves trust. It's not easy, but it's so important. Sometimes you just have to trust, because even if it's not done our own way, it's okay.
Good luck!

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You are not alone E. O, If you have been married for any number of years there are going to be times when you and your husband may have different views. Frankly, men are wired differently, they are not as sensitive to our feelings as we would like. But it sounds like he has a lot of good qualities so hang in there and cherish the good, and see if you can live with the not so good. Also, communication is key, keep talking.

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