April 24, 2008,
E.O. asks from Bethesda, MD on April 20, 2008
Negative Feeling About Husband
I've been married to my husband for four years, and we have three-year-old boy. After having a child, I began to find many dissimilarities with my husband in almost all aspects of our lives, especially in child issues. For example, he's pro medicine but I'm not: he wants to give medicine whenever our child's nose starts to slightly runny. Whenever I have problems, he immediately says 'It's OK' without trying to understand my feelings. There are so many things I've found I can't bear, and I've always expressed my concerns to him. He's such a lovely man and also a good dad. I know maybe I'm too expecting. I know I have countless bad points too. He's not my counselor, and he shouldn't be perfect. That's how the shape of love changes. That's what men and women really are. That's how we need to learn to appreciate different ideas. He never did any harms or had smoking/alcohol problems. I just wanted to know if there is anybody who felt the same way. I sometimes can't help missing about the time when we first met and I was blindly in love with him.
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Thank you so much for all of your comments and time. I couldn't agree more with every opinion and experience. I tried to devour all the words, and it seemed like reading letters from long-lost friends. On the other hand, it also made me feel guilty for having all the encouragements and supports while he's trying to fix our problems on his own. Yesterday morning, he gave me an e-mail suggesting dining out together that night. He thought I was too stressed out from housework and parenting, guessing from the fact that I turned off TV sulkily during breakfast- he likes to watch TV during meals although I hate it. I felt so sorry for him, but I treated him coldly after finding out that, as usual, he barely remembered almost anything about what I had said over dinner. Sometimes I can't help feeling that I'm just filling the air with all the useless and easily-forgettable words while talking with my hubby. I understand he's tired from work, but I often wonder if he ever remembers all the necessary information for his work too. By reading your comments, I remembered I've hardly had smiles on my face these days. My husband used to like my smiles before we got married. I realized that I can't blame him either. We're still on our way for reconstruction, but I'll do my best. May we all live in happiness and love. My very best.
C.C. answers from Washington DC on April 21, 2008
Sometimes, having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship. We tend to spend more time taking care of the baby, cleaning house, cooking and all the daily things that need to be done. Then we have our partner and then ourselves to look after. It's a lot.
Sometimes we wonder what happened to our relationship, why did it change? Why did my partner change? I believe that what happens is that as a parent, we become so caught up in the daily grind that we forget to look at what made our relationship special.
I read that you see him as a "lovely man and also a good dad". You also mentioned that "I sometimes can't help missing about the time when we first met and I was blindly in love with him". This tells me that you still love him very much but just need time to reconnect. The disagreements that you have can be dealt with when both of you are in a good place.
Here are a few tips to help you out:
1. Plan a weekly date night. It doesn't need to be elaborate or expensive. It could be going for a walk in the park, having a cup of coffee somewhere. As long as it's just the two of you, this will help you to reconnect as you did when you first started going out.
2. Schedule some time to discuss certain issues. When we are upset or angry, we are never at our best to talk about what bothers us. Women tend to be more "emotional" about certain topics and this pushes men to "close down". This gets you nowhere. Make sure that you have a plan as to what you want to talk about. Make it short and precise. Let you partner know that it will take no more than 30- 45 minutes (or whatever time you want but don't make it too long).
3. Plan future activities together. This always spark excitement in a relationship. There is something about planning a future event that excites people. The anticipation of some great time together, to do something different bonds people together. It creates a shared experience.
I hope E. that these few tips will be helpful to you and get you going. If you wish to talk some more, you can always email me. Good Luck.
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E.C. answers from Washington DC on April 22, 2008
First I have to say - WOW! there's alot of feedback on this topic.
Ok now on to you.
I married a man I knew would tell me the truth from the get go. No matter the question, the answer would always be the truth. I had to teach him to trust me to take the truth no matter what the answer would be, although always the truth, he generally thought about what he said and how he said it before actually saying it. Now he just says it.
Men are simple creatures and need simple pleasures, and have simple needs. Women are so complex that sometimes this may intimidate a man into submission. In other words, they don't know how to react to an emotional woman on any level, it doesn't matter what you are upset about to them, all they know is your upset and they don't know how to fix you.. they turn into little robots repeating what their father's taught them to do. What you could do is explain to him how you feel about certain topics such as the medication and why you feel the child shouldn't get the medicine too early in his cold - because it could do more harm than good if you don't know "how" he is sick. But he wont hear you. And if he does hear you, he may still not understand or agree with you. What you need to do is find a creative way to talk to him - this will not only show him you are trying to communicate and hope he understands, but he may retain the information you are trying to communicate.
Use scenario's he might be familiar with, even if it means you have to do a little research - like motorcycle racing - you don't want to bend too far into the turn before the right time or you will wipe out causing injury to the rider - this is the same with medication - you don't want to give meds too early or you might wind up with a low immune system incapable of protecting him from future colds.
You don't have to use sports though - what does he like....
The only way I could get my husband to understand what I was saying to him at one point in our relationship was to create a roll playing game and act out the parts as fictional creatures - rolling dice and everything. It was fun, entertaining and educational for both of us. That day we learned a whole lot about each other - we've been together for going on 13 years this winter, Married 8 of those years this summer.
Marriage is hard, and it takes alot of push and pull to get it right. You just have to find the right button to push and the right lever to pull and the exact right time to do it. It's not easy, and it will only get harder until both of you are communicating together rather than just talking "at" each other.
You may consider having a hobby just yours, something that you enjoy doing the both of you, and something you enjoy doing as a family. This could take the strain off your relationship and put focus in your individual lives as well as your intimate and family lives. It's important to maintain a certain amount of individuality during any relationship. For example - My husband loves to Roll Play (hense the roll playing scenario which actually worked) and I love to swim and shop. I am not so much for the gaming - so he goes every other weekend to DC or where ever they might be having a game - I take that time to do things that I enjoy - even if it means I get a babysitter to do it. The next weekend we do something as a family, go to the circus, go to a park, go to the gym - whatever seems to be the "thing" to do that weekend, sometimes we just go get some popcorn and watch a good movie, read or watch our 7 year old daughter play outside. it really depends on how much work you want to put into the relationship and how much trust you are willing to commit to that will make any relationship work - this opinion doesn't stop with marriage either, this also goes for best friends and siblings. I've had to work hard at my relationships with my siblings, and today I believe we are at a level playing field and we are all starting to see the "end game". and I feel we are all better people for trying and sticking to it.
I hope some of this helps you.
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K.L. answers from Norfolk on April 22, 2008
Oh yes deary we have been thru this stage. Something about becoming a mom changes who you are and what you are about. Your expectations change your tolerances become fewer... YOu think youve discussed your likes and dislikes and differences and preferences, but no matter how much you talk about it, when life really happens things change.
YOu will find you differ in several areas, but try to see each others point of view and accept those differences and in some ways come to a compromise. Like the meds for instance. Let your hubby know that not every "illness" requires meds. Sometimes things just have to run their course. But at the same time, see his point in wanting to help your child be comfortable thru the illness by offering some cold meds or nose spray or tylenol. A little medicine wont hurt. On other things just try to calmly talk them out and see if you can compromise, but dont expect to win him over.
I thought my dh and I had things all planned out when it came to raising kids. I was the one w/ the know how and experience. I figured he'd just do it MY way. Well for the most part he has, but when it comes to discipline we really butt heads. It has made for some turmoil to say the least. I have come to realize that WOW we really do have 2 different views or ways of doing things and this is going to cause alot of conflict. I have learned to pick my battles. REally think hard if each issue is worth arguing about or should you just move on. Sometimes you need to just let him have his way. And when you do, dont feel like you are giving in to his way of things just know that you will be keeping the peace and moving on to more important things. And realize that his way isnt so bad after all.
As far as missing how it used to be...oh yes, I long for the simple days like when we were first married. But hold on to that good memory and know that some day when the kids are grown and out of the house you can reconnect and have those good times once again. That is what keeps me going in this hectic world of parenthood.
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C.J. answers from Richmond on April 22, 2008
E., don't give up just yet. I did and I have so many regrets. I was married for 7 years and had 2 kids (6/3 at the time) and I thought 'there must be more to life than this' so I found myself, much like you, picking apart all the little stuff to make myself feel better about wanting a divorce. Instead I should have been thankful for the wonderful man I had. Go to a counselor, they can really help you commuicate better and accept the things about each other and work on changing things you are both willing to change. I have been divorced for 4 years now and he has since remarried and I am engaged as well. The most painful part is how it hurts the kids. I never saw that initially and thought my happiness was more important. Now I understand why so many people stay together for the kids. Although they are well adjusted and love all of us, my ex and I have never been able to reconnect even as friends. He won't even speak to me. Since the divorce, I have been in counselor and learned a lot about myself, my upbringing and how it affected my marriage. So, if you loved him once, you probably still do love him, probably more, it's just remembering all the things you loved and working on the rest. Good luck to you!
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K.H. answers from Dover on April 22, 2008
I went through a period of time (a few years) that I felt that way. We had some additional issues going on between us, however. Things have gotten better, but still, truly him and I are just about as opposite as you can get in every department. All the way down to trying some new food for dinner...if he likes it, almost garaunteed that I wont, and vice versa. Even so, I am happy. I think so many women just need to get out of the mentallity of the "happily ever after" notion. For myself, I needed to be more tolerant of his differences, and more understanding that he is truly a different person, and there is nothing wrong with that. You may have been experiencing the "blind love" at the beginning, but that doesn't mean that you can't still love him now for who he really is. And when you are missing the way it was when you first met, you are only missing that you lacked the knowledge of what your husband is like more intimately. You don't want to live through your life married to someone that you never get to know. You just need to figure out how to grow together.
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J.C. answers from Richmond on April 22, 2008
It happens, E.. I don't think it's possible to live with anyone without getting very weary of certain parts of the relationship. The feeling will probably always come and go, no matter who you are living with or married to. Therefore, you can choose to stick through the less pleasant times by focusing on the positive qualities of the man you married. Sooner or later, this will help you get back to a partnership feeling again.
I sometimes think of it as husband and wife being on separate merry-go-rounds that pass one another closely. When you're courting, you're so focused that the m-g-r's are pretty tightly meshed. As more things (children, etc) come into your life, the merry-go-rounds get bigger. This means that you're passing each other in perfect synchronization for less and less time. Once you're old, and have less going on, your m-g-r shrinks again, bringing you together more often.
Whatever happens, I have never met anyone who still had that 'blindly in love' feeling after very long. It's basically impossible when you're living with someone, and having to interact with them on a daily basis. It's more of a fantasy state than anything. The reality of life is being willing to be partners and accept each other, for better and for worse, or choosing to opt out and try to find another fantasy fix. The long-term partnership deal isn't really so bad once you get used to the cycles;-).
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P.C. answers from Washington DC on April 22, 2008
Puf, that i s really normal, I think it happen to me , all my friends, and all my family. There will be better moments again and also worse, but the most important thing is that you and he know that there is love to each other, even if the feelings are changing or developing to another feeling.
Missing the beginin is also natural, but all the beginins end at one point. I am not tellinig you that you shouldn't do anything to improve your situation with your husband but if he loves you and you love him (even if is not like in the begining) is allways worth it fight to find solutions in your inside and outside feelings.
3 moms found this helpful
S.E. answers from Lynchburg on April 22, 2008
Then it's time to begin looking at your husband through new eyes... make yourself find the positive qualities in him. Maybe he's argumentative, but on the other hand he probably doesn't let others step on him (or his family either). He may not help with the dishes, but maybe he does take out the trash for you. Whatever things are bothering you, be sure to counter-think those things with positive thoughts. Too often, we can allow ourselves to let negative thoughts linger and then grow into things that don't have to be. NONE of us is perfect! If he loves you and he loves your child(ren) you are a fortunate woman.
Try being honest with him and find encouraging words to make him want to be more involved and see things your way at times.
If you haven't ever read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, it may be a start for you.
Best of luck to you, your husband, and the family you've made together.
3 moms found this helpful