Needing Some Advice on What to Do

I would definitely try to stay with the person you are with now. Every once in a while, we all meet someone or someone again that makes new feelings arise. However remaining in a committed relationship is important - especially with children. Are there things you may be able to try to rekindle new feelings for the one you're with? Maybe try romantic dinners, date nights, etc.
Hope that helps.

K.

I completely understand the what I call the married single life. I feel the same way toward my husband. I do not have a true love to think about though. I wish I had an answer for you. I do not even have answers for myself.

Sorry, I was not much help. I just want to let you know I understand how it feels to be married single. However, my husband think things are fine, and sometimes, I try to convince myself, and actually have hope for glimpses of time.

It sounds to me like you need to work on you without worrying about your love life. You talk about your current relationship in a very haphazard way. You have been with this person, not saying married or engaged or that you love him. You make it sound like it was always just something to do, temporary. Now you have found your first love. Hmmm...I wonder if you even know what real love is. Real love is about choice, daily actions, not feelings and commitment. This relationship you are currently in lacks commitment. And obviously this old flame also lacked commitment or you would be with them still.

I'm not trying to sound harsh. Sometimes reality is harsh no matter how someone sugar coats it. I agree with a lot of what has been said here. Past loves rarely work out. And if you are a bit immature or you don't have a very good moral compass, then you can count on it failing.

Yes, there are kids involved. I also agree that they deserve better than mommy following her lustful imaginations wherever they carry her. Life is not a soap opera. Hey, I LOVE soaps. But I watch them for the fun of it and never forget that's not real life.

You came here to hear something. Are you hoping people will talk you out of making a mistake? Or, are you hoping enough people will give you courage to run out and really screw your life up? In the end you will do exactly what you want. Heaven help your kids.

Hi T.,

Well I'm gonna say this.... the relationship you are in now is what you need to work on now. You need to talk to the person you are with and find out where you are both at in the relationship and if you were to end this relationship it's because you both feel it is not working and it won't work. And not because someone you have "feelings" for has come into the picture again.

In my opnion 6 yrs isn't enough time to say a relationship will or won't work, in this time you have had 2 children. You need to make sure you have worked your hardest to make this work. That you both are putting in 100% on each side.

There is nothing to say that if you broke of your current relationship you have and then move with this other person that it would even work. And on top of that you are move 2 kids, turn their world upside down to see what will happen. In my opinion you are being very selfish, if you weren't 100% committed to this person why in the world did you have 2 children with him ? All I can say is the grass always looks greener on the other side but that doesn't mean it is.

I think you need to work on your current relationship at the moment, try to fix it put 100% effort in it, if it doesn't work and is not working, then move on but only because you did everything in your power.

If you decide to end your long term relationship, it should not be for another person. You should talk with your current partner and then move into a place of your own. It is not going to be easy on your children. No matter what. Their family is being torn apart. I am sure they love their father very much.
Once the current relationship is over, spend time seeking God's advice. Lean on Him and let Him show you the spouse of your future.
Your next physical relationship should be with the man you marry and intend to spend the rest of your life with. Even if that turns out to be the man you are with now!
Our emotions can fool us. They can change with the tide and we cannot rely on emotions to make these types of decisions. Consider their charecter. What kind of man tries to lure away a partner/mother from the life she has already built?
Are you ready to walk away? Are you ready to fight for everything you already have? Your current partner may not go away easy. ANd should he be expected to? would you if he had changed his mind?
Search your heart, on your face, crying out to Jesus and see what he tells you.
You really do not know this person from years ago. You have memories, but unless you have already been unfaithful to your current partner (this can happen emotionally not only physically)you really have no idea about this person.
AND until you live together as HUSBAND AND WIFE you will not truly know this person.
Search your heart and Pray. Consider your babies and the life they will leave behind. You have invested 6 years into this person you are with now.
Even if you go to this other person, there is no guarantee you will feel the same in 6 years! I have been married 22 years and I can tell you there have been many times I have not liked my husband. However, he is the man Gad gave me and I love him with a true unwavering love. I may not always feel like a giddy school girl, but the love and respect we have is worth fighting for everyday of our lives.

I think you need to think long and hard about what your children need. Maybe you and their father just need some counseling to get that spark back.

Sigh... I just went through this very thing with one of my best girlfriends. I expect some gals will yell at you, but I'm not going to. I'm going to say, "keep your hat on, girl. Old boyfriends are just delicious memories - not reality. Focus on the reality of what you're proposing."

Like anger is a warning that something is wrong, but not necessarily a mandate to act out angrily, feelings for another man are definitely a clue that something's amiss in your relationship, but not necessarily a mandate to act on your longings.

First, you have three children whose lives will be forever changed by your decision. The minute you had kids, like it or not, you put their needs right up there with your own, and sometimes ahead of your needs. Act as much on their behalf as on your own. On to the question at hand...

You've been with someone for 6 years. You've heard of the 7 year itch. A lot of relationships get to a point of boredom. It's up to you to talk to your man about how the two of you can put a little romance and fire back into the relationship. You owe it to your man, your children, and yes, to yourself, to give it a shot. You have no idea what would happen if you tried to get back together with someone for whom you have feelings, memories, but no real knowledge. By contrast, you said you have kids with your current man, that he's fathering not only the baby you had together, but the two children you brought with you, and that you're still friends! You didn't say your current man abuses you or that you have been fighting nonstop for six years, or that there are any serious reasons why you should get out of the relationship. Before you take a huge gamble with everyone's lives, you owe it to all of you to try to fix your own relationship.

And what about those old feelings, anyway? Well, every woman has an old flame, old feelings, and maybe even some remorse. That's a nice treasure in your memory bank. But all that good feeling does not add up to a successful relationship. It can add up to a lot of fantasizing when there's a void in your current relationship though. Please try to remember it's all fantasy - nothing is as perfect as fantasy, and nothing is as difficult as reality. Please try your best to fix your current relationship before you jump ship. You really don't want to look back to this point five or six years from now, and hate yourself for what you've done.

That is sad. My opinion may sound harsh, but personally I believe once you have kids, it's all about the, not you. THat said, it would not be in their best interest to leave their dad to follow your heart and hook up with this old flame. I think you should cut off contact with the old flame and concentrate on the family you do have.

Don't go there! 99% of human misery is self-inflicted! You should work on the relatonships that you have before you, with your partner and your children. The pain that you will cause will GREATLY outweigh any pleasure from an old flame. Who's to say that he feels the same way about you and even if he does, would he be willing to pick up the pieces of your children's lives that you have distroyed? I'm not trying to be harsh but realistic. You have to think about this from everyone else's perspectives and not just your own emotions, which seem to want to rule you right now - not your brain. Please be careful....

Wishing you the best,
G.

T.-

I would suggest that you do what is best for your children. And, reexamine the reason you lost contact with your first true love. Also, many times it is easier to have very strong feelings for someone from the past, who you are not around day to day, they can seem flawless because it is easier to dwell on just the good memories of them, and sometimes it is easier to have strong feelings for someone who is living far away from you. Most importantly, though, try to think of what is best for your children. Also, do you know what your first true love feels for you?
-R.

I have been married for almost 12 years now and have two great children. I really don't believe there is only one true love for each of us. I think there are many people who we would work with. I also believe that love is a choice. Over the past 12 years my husband and I have gone through some tough times, and I know there has been more than once that I would have liked to call it quits. However, I have made the choice to stick with him warts and all. We are more like friends now than when we first got married. That's because we are better friends to each other now than we were 10 years ago. We just get to also be lovers to. I think the bond that you have with someone who knows you gets better with time. Stick with it and get rid of the other guy so you and your man can have a chance.

T.... how would your current man feel if he knew you were even considering this?!? How can you even think about tearing your family apart over this? I'm sure every married woman thinks about stuff like that from time to time... I actually read in Parents magazine that it is HEALTHY for husbands and wives to have "crushes" in their heads as long as they know where they belong and where their promises and priorities are. Crushes can keep you happy and feeling young, but the magazine said they should STAY IN YOUR HEAD! You should NEVER talk to your crush, and if they talk to you, you need to tell them that you can't see them anymore. Would you like it if your man was talking to his first love behind your back?!? You have a family! and with a FRIEND (I am still trying to become my husband's best friend lol... his guy friends always seem priority over me)... that's a good thing that you and your husband are friends... you need to set the example for your kids. You need to tell your first love to stay out of your life, he doesn't belong there now. Be thankful for what you have.

(In that article I read, one mom even admitted to having a crush on Anthony from The Wiggles!! lol)

have you considered classes on boosting your current relationship, jumpstarting the love that was once more evident? Are you considering uprooting & tearing apart your 3 childrens lives for a potential "old" flame... is your current partner abusive? A bad father? Or just not "making you happy". The Old/New Love feeling, will fade as well... But your kids lives won't. Sorry to be so blunt, but so many kids are struggling because their parents are so worried about "being happy, being in-love & the feelings that go along with it" that they lose the sense of security that comes through commitment, dispite boredom & doldrums and never learn the value of commitment themselves.

if you are not married and he has no intentions to marry you, and the old love is a possibility for marriage I say follow your heart. but be honest with your live in mate,father to two children. my opinion only, I would ask others to see different views.

note; old love will have to accept the children and he him, in my view. that is complicated and takes a while to figure out. willing to live with the upsets in the home til that resolves? do you have a personal source of income if you have to strike out solo?

ok I have some adivce (Since you asked)... First, STOP, think about what you are getting yourself into (and your kids Too, who somehow WILL find out in the future if you betrayed their father.... I found out on accident, my parents didn't know I was near when they were talking once about what my father did.)... you do not say whether you are married or not, but the fact that you have children says that you made some sort of committment to him. Work out your problems with this man first before you do anything, but by all means don't leave him just to pursue this other man. This is "the grass is always greener" syndrome. You already know that your relationship is having some tension, so of course you are going to remember your old feelings with your first love, it is only natural... you want to feel like you used to..... Either work out your problems with te man you are with or decide to call it quits, but do it FIRST, and SEPARATE from this other man. They should be two totally separate issues.

Especially because you ahve kids.

my 2 cents - 7.5 cents with inflation! LOL

Despite how you may be feeling about this other person, it will destroy your childrens' lives if you leave their father. You have made children with this man and therefore have an obligation to stay with him, especially if you are at least on "good friends" terms. At this point in your life, it is more important that you consider the needs of your children (which include living in an intact home with their mother and father) than that you chase after someone for whom you lust.

The excitement dating of someone new or "old" will soon wear off. Just as I'm sure it was exciting at first with who your with now. Everyone goes through a dry season with their marrage. But, it CAN change! And I agree with everyone else. Think about your children. A very close friend to me is going through this. Her husband of 15 years walked out. Now her kids are suffering more than anyone. They are devistated and confused. People don't think of what they are screwing up when they leave. Your kids will suffer more than you'd ever know. If this man you're with is a good father and good to you, pray for God to give you a new vision of him. God can turn it around completely...really. I'll pray myself for the situation too. Hope it works out.

You are a very selfish person to just consider yourself. Those babies didn't ask to be brought into this world, you chose to have sex and do it. NOW you are thinking you would rather have your old flame? Why did you leave him in the first place? And if you leave your man now- are you going to leave those his children with him? Seems to me that you are trying to be a mom- you are a selfish child who wants what they want when they want it. Grow up and think about the little ones in your life first (and those that you might hurt with your decisions!). I have a friend who left the one man who really loved her because he wasn't exciting enough- several men (and bed partners later) she is regretful and still hasn't found what she thought she was looking for!

My opinion is that you need to focus on your children and not the men in your life. Men come and go, children are yours forever. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but your kids need you more than you need a man.

Sandy P. said it really well. I'll second her opinion. I think the feelings you have for your "first true love" are far more exciting and romantic than actually having to deal with the reality of your current relationship. Look at it this way, if you were to be living in the same situation with "your first true love" now, would it be much of the same?

I think you should stop and ask yourself what are you getting out of your contact with you first true love that you are not getting in your current relationship.

As much as it feels good to do so, fueling the fires with your old flame is just a diversion from life as you know it now. It is also a fairly safe fantasy since the man is in another state. This makes it all the more alluring.

Look at what needs you have that aren't being met right now. Then break off contact with your "first true love" and start working on your relationship now. You owe it to your children to do everything you can to make that work. Talk to your current parter and let him know that you are feeling unhappy. Get counseling if you can. Try to get the spark back. If you've given it your all and you are still unhappy, then you can look at changing your life. But the answer doesn't have to be another man. The answer is what will make YOU and your children happy.

T.,
I don't want to sound like Dr. Laura, but do you want to tear you other two children away from their father? You already have a child who doesn't live with it's mother and father. Feelings are iffy things and change with the wind. It will take a lot of effort to change your life if you pursue this other relationship. Why not put that effort into your current one? Love isn't just an emotion, it is often a choice. I have been married for 25 years and believe me, my "feelings" have not always been loving toward my husband. We have two children together and it was worth it to work on my feelings as well as my marriage. Your children need the stability of growing up with both parents. No matter what modern society wants to tell you, expreience has told millions that most of the problems in America today are due to broken homes. Please consider ways to spark up your current relationship. Feelings often do follow attitude. If you have an attitude that this man offers you the best, then your feelings can follow. Are you offering him your best? I don't mean to scold you, just to pass on a lifetime of my experience and the experiences of countless women that I know.
God Bless you in your struggle.

Hey T.,
I know that running into someone who you've had a relationship in the past can seem very romantic. But honestly, if it was him that you had spent the last 6 years with you would probably feel like "just friends" with him as well. All relationships take work to keep the fires burning. Sometimes the humdrum of life can take its toll. If you could find time to do some fun and exciting things that you both enjoy, You could rekindle the flame. Doing kind and unexpected things for your mate can put a spark in his eyes too.
The stability of your relationship means more to your children than you realize.
Still getting to know my husband after 26 years!

Wait until you are sure that you are sure before you do anything!!! I am a single mom, with an abusive ex-fiance/son's father who is not at all in the picture, so I'm the last person to give any relationship advice. But I'm going to anyway. Take your time figuring it out. My biggest mistakes in life have always been when I rushed into things.
Good luck

First of all, you have 3 children with 2 different men, why one EARTH are you worried about dating?!? It's obvious that you aren't too good at picking men. Why don't you spend your time and engery on JUST raising your children. Leave the drama of your personal love life for when they are up and out of the house (18 years old). Don't you think these kids have been through enough... focus on them, not a new man!!!

My first comment would be that you shouldn't even have been looking for your first true love. Communication is the key in any relationship, especially your marriage. Talk to your husband tell him what your needs are...ask him what his needs are. Work on each other. Read Matthew 19:4-6. God bless you and your marriage :)

T., you need to be careful, hon. Finding the lost lost first love/true love is always a difficult situation. Especially since you said that you are no longer happy with the person you got. Finding an old flame is always exciting -- in the beginning. It's new, exciting, different. But what you need to do is be honest with yourself....
Why do you not care for your partner any more? Could you work on that? Do you even want to bother? What about your children?
Why did you and first true love part ways? Could what you had only exist in that time and place? Why is this idea suddenly so appealing to you? Is it fair to drag someone else into your life?
Work on you. Make yourself happy (without the help of others) then everything else will start to fall into place. Trust me.

Been there, done that!
emailme if you need to talk

T.,
I am a recently divorced (married 9 years) mother of a 16 month old. I had the butterflies in the stomach, think about them all the time, head over heels in love kinda relationship...but couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. In retrospect he was not ever really what one would consider a good friend or much of a father.

I would definately give a lot of weight to the fact that you can say your current man is "your friend"...In my opinion that is an extrememly important part of any lasting relationship. Also, if he is a good father, hang on, because today that can be hard to come by. Sorry for the cynicism but I see it time and time again.

"The grass is not always greener on the other side".
Good luck.

love is so hard! i really feel for you and know how it is to be torn between two men. what i can say is (even though i know we all do what we really want no matter what advice is given), no relationship is perfect. there will always be someone else who looks better on the surface, but if/when you end up with them, there will be valleys and peaks just like with anyone else. you just have to make the commitment at some point to stop "searching" and make it work. if you and your current guy are committed, there is always a way to make it work and bring the "magic" back. but if you've already checked out, nothing anyone says will convince you that what you're looking at won't be better.