First, a little background info: I have a 15 1/2 year old step-daughter. I have a 15 1/2 year old daughter also. My husband has adopted my 15 1/2 year old, so he is now her father. This makes both of the 15 1/2 year old girls half-sisters. We also have a 9 year old daughter. She is also a half-sister to my step-daughter. My husband and I have been married for 12 1/2 years, so I am no stranger to my step-daughter (I have known her since she was 2 years old.) Hopefully, you can follow all of that explanation.
Here is my issue:
My step-daughter lives with her mother in Kansas for the school year, and she comes to stay with my husband and me during the summer. This year she is only going to be here for 5 weeks. Every year, when she arrives, it becomes a "one-up match" between the older two girls. When they were 3, 4, & 5, it was "I'm older than you," "Well, I'm taller than you," "Well, I have longer hair than you," "Well, I have bigger feet than you," and on and on it would go.
This year it has escallated to, "I got all A's & B's this year," "Well, I only got ONE B all year," "Well, I took track & field, and cross-country and you didn't," "Well, I am in a college-prep school and you live in poor-white-trash-ville," "Well, I can't help where I live," and more horrible things of this nature. They even argued over who started her cycle first - as if anyone cares.
I have told them that they need to be grateful for who they are, that they are BOTH choice daughters of God, that they are both loved equally, and that niether one of them is better than the other. They just looked at me, rolled their eyes, and laughed. They have their moments - one minute they are best friends, the next minute they are so jealous of each other that they yell and "one-up" each other. My husband and I are so sick of it; we are just about at our wits end. Meanwhile, our 9 year old daughter is starting to get in on it too, and we do NOT want her to think that it is acceptable behavior.
Any advice on how to deal with this? I am especially seeking word-choices of what can we SAY to them. My husband thinks that it is because they are so close in age that it is such an issue - they are only 46 hours and 12 minutes apart in age - it's like having twins the hard way! Thanks in advance for any advice you can extend.
I have read every person's advise as it has been sent, and I have considered them all. Thank you, all, so much for your thoughts and your advise on dealing with this situation.
The thing that my husband and I have found that works the best is to just do/say nothing WHILE IT HAPPENS. We just let them fight it out - but under ONE condition. We now video them while they argue (we have hidden video monitors throughout the house now for security purposes, and they are coming in handy now), and then play the video back as part of our "after dinner" TV viewing time. As a family, we all sit down after dinner to view some TV. We start out by watching the "Teenage Tyrades" every night. They can SEE first hand their own behavior. The bickering and fighting have eased up, because now they can SEE and HEAR just how immature they really are.
Thanks again for your help. Hugs to all, too.
A.
When they are at their heated moments; you might want to point out to them that THEY HAVE TO LOVE EACH OTHER in order to HATE EACH OTHER, ONE DOES NOT EXIST WITHOUT THE OTHER.
That's always stopped my two girls right in the middle of an argument atleast to ponder it. similiar situation.
hope this helps
all the best
Deb
I would tell them that you only want to hear respectful exchanges and if they want to talk that way to each other that way make sure no one else is around. Then be sure to speak to them with respect. When I got my step daughter she was very rude to me. I told her that I would not allow her to 'hit' me the way she was allowed to hit her cousins and if she did, I would hit back so hard her children would be born stupid. Not PC but it set the bar and I made sure to treat her with respect at all times. She got the message more from the respect I showed her than the threat, don't get me wrong. Model the respectful behavior to each child and to each other. Part of it is that they are kids and they are allowed to talk to each other that way by outside standards. I get further with any child be giving respect.
A.,
Marcia,Marcia, MARCIA! huh.
Take a deep breath, take 10 and let'er cool! This is completely normal and they will do it no matter. THEY will work it out. They will grow through it. Leave it alone and relieve yourself of what you think is a problem, your problem, and it's not! Let go. Smile, shrug, and be happy you have these gorgeous bratty typical teenage girls.
Wendy
Hi, A.,
Based on what you've shared and my experience teaching teenagers for a dozen years, I think that the best response is no response. If you and your husband consistently ignore the girls' arguments with each other (as well as treat the girls as equally as possible), the girls will likely just get tired of arguing with each other. (This could take what seems like a long time, but other methods may take even longer.) Their arguments are driven by emotion and the girls probably realize this and that their arguments are petty, so no appeal to reason or attempt at appeasement on your part will probably succeed. Save yourself the effort, and let this behavior die a natural death. Try not to let the arguing bother you. The less bothered you are by it, the healthier you will be and probably the sooner the teenagers will develop a diplomatic relationship with each other.
I would put them to work every time it happens. Send them outside to pull weeds and they can bicker to their hearts content and you don't have to hear it. Or you can seperate them completely - send one to clean out the refrigerator and the other to sweep out the garage. Generally, physical labor will put an end to it. Your words aren't really going to be heard at this point. You are the parent to teens and everyone knows that teens think their parents don't know anything.
My older daughters are this way with each other! They're only 13 months apart, so that's some of it. They're 20 and 21 now, and do the one-up thing less frequently, but they still do it. And my second daughter just delights in frustrating and upsetting her sister - she'll deliberately do things like wear high top sneakers to church, just so her sister will say, "You're not wearing THAT, are you?"
We, too, tried the speeches about each being a daughter of God, each being valuable, each being intelligent and pretty, but they also rolled their eyes. We finally had to simply forbid them to say anything negative to or about each other. When they start in about whose hair is better, or whose school is better (they attended different colleges), we just say, "We don't want to hear it!" and insist that they change the subject. They think we're odd, but we insist. Don't worry, your girls love each other and know that we love both of them; comparisons are just human nature.
Hi A.,
I hope you get some responses from mothers with twins,because that would probably help too. Perhaps check out the net or library for books on twins...go straight to the chapter on 'competition'!!
I have two boys that are four years apart (14 and 10) and the behaviour you are talking about is alive and well with them too. Kids compete and remind me of pack dogs - someone is always trying to get in the lead.
In regards to your situation, they are old enough to correct this behaviour. When my boys were doing it a lot, we decided to make the outdoor balcony the spot where they could have those conversations. So, once they got started - they were reminded to go outside. We did not correct them or scold them - we just told them it was something they needed to do on their own time and not bother us with it. So, out they woudl go and shout it out. Then, that got pretty boring because they had lost their audience - us. So, it slowed down considerably. No, it did not go away - but it did tone down to a low roar.
I have a nephew who stays with us, and had a similar thing when he would first arrive. So, we started a 'ground rules' session at the start. We would work together to agree the ground rules for this visit AND the consequences of breaking the ground rules. For your family, that could include 'no competitive and hurtful comments' or something like that. They usually had a ground rule for me too, like 'no yelling' because my frustration would come out in my voice. So, that make it more fair. In the first day, I would intentionally break a rule and then suffer the consequences so that would add a bit of humour for them. But, seriously we stuck to it and kept it on the fridge for all to see.
Anyway, I do suggest the twins book, but maybe this has helped too.
As soon as the two girls become "competitive", take them both by their hands and lead them to a room/backyard/porch that is away from you and your 9 y/o so they can bicker by themselves. No yelling, no arguing. They are probably hoping you'll get involved and settle any disagreements. If you aren't listening to them, maybe they'll stop and move on to some other conversation. I don't think any words from you will help.
Good luck.
I just wanted to encourage you with personal experiences. I am one of seven children; we all faught terribly as children, I especially faught with my younger sister, but we are all best of friends now as adults (my younger sister is especially dear to my heart). My good friend has a step sister that is very close in age (I think they are a couple of months apart) and they are now best of friends as adults. She is even closer to this sister than to her other sisters that she is genetically related to. I do not have any advice for you because I really have no experience (except being the one fighting), but I would just say to pray for wisdom and trust God that he will give you wisdom as you deal with this. And have hope that it will get better!
Hi A.:
I Come from a family of 5 girls,so much of what you explained, was typical for our household.You wouldn't believe the petty arguments we got into.It sounds to me, that your daughter that lives there year round,feels a little put out,when it comes time for your step-daughter to visit.Some of her attention automatically switches to your stepdaughter,the moment she comes into the house. your stepdaughter,knows her presence,urks your daughter, and so she is on the defensive before even arriving.I would bet,she dreads the thought of visiting,because she knows, that there will be conflict.My mom and dad, went crazy for years,trying to intervene,whenever we would taunt each other or argue over whos turn it was to do the dishes,or whos hair was longer,or who had one more helping of cake!! All 5 of us girls fought like crazy,but we loved each other very much.Siblings are always on that fine line of love and hate!They will drive you insane, if you don't start letting them iron out some of their own differences. Alot of their petty arguments,are for your benifit.An act if you will.They want to test you both to see if you'll side,and with which one? I could see you stepping in,when they were toddlers,but they are young women now,and they shouldn't need referees,each and every time they disagree.If they want to argue the price of tea in China, tell them to go in the other room and discuss it, so as not to disrupt the rest of the family.They can talk till they go hoarse. lol. If your sitting at dinner and they start,tell them to excuse themselves and after they finish their debate, they can return.Don't allow them to disrupt things,or anger you. As soon as they realize, that neither of you are going to (Take sides) or involve yourself in their pettyness, they will begin to ease up on one another.The very best to you and your family.
A.-
This is very normal behavior for sisters. I am the oldest of 4 sisters and we did that ALL THE TIME. The funny part is none of us remember much about those "conversations" other than how mom and dad reacted to them. My advise is to stop stepping in. This is just their way of adjusting to each other time and time again. Go to your daughter's school sometime and just listen, you will notice that these "petty arguments" are typicall for the age.
The harsh comments can be curbed by doing a couple of things though. First, stop getting involved. Second, tell them to continue their discussion elsewhere. I know these seem like simplistic steps but most of the time the cruel comments are for your benefit not theirs. They want to see what makes you guys jump and who you will try to defend when you do. Just tell them next time that no one wants to hear it and they are welcome to continue their "conversation" in their room/s. This will efectivly take you and your husband out of the equation.
To keep your 9 year old out of it you need to engage her is some other "sport". Make sure it is something fun, that the older sister could join in on after their discussion has ended. This does not have to be anything complicated. It could be making some cupcakes while singing along with the radio, or breaking out the basketball and shooting a few hoops. Just something to show her that her time is better spent doing other things.
Hope this helps
H. stanley
Hi A.,
My cousin had a similar situation with her daughter and step daughter. They are 22 now and the best of friends but they fought constantly for years.
In this case, I think being teenagers is more the cause of the fighting than the step issue - I know it will pass with time, meanwhile, when they get really nasty, you have to start taking things away from them - no cell phone, computer, shopping, etc until they learn to be civil. They will learn to get along rather than lose their favorite things. After they get in the habit of being nice to each other, it will come naturally. There will always be some disagreements but hopefully they will be few.
If nothing else works, maybe take the girls for counseling so they can learn to talk things out and stop fighting.
Good luck!
I did not have any sisters growing up, but my three best friends did, and they bickered and competed and argued non-stop. They all eventually became the closest of friends with their sisters. HOWEVER! Whoever is making the "poor white trash" type of remarks must be shut down. That is over the top, even by "sister" standards. That is just mean, rude, inconsiderate and really pretty vicious. Bickering and competing is one thing, being rude and vicious is anther and should not be tolerated for an instant. Neither should yelling. And using just those words is fine. Such bad behavior needs to be pointed out and revealed for what it is. These are not little girls. They are old enough to know better. God talk is well and good -I am a Christian - but I think some Christians lose their parental effectiveness by not stepping up to the plate and calling outrageous behavior exactly what it is. You aren't dealing with kindergarteners any longer. They are young women. Focus on your daughter. She is plenty old enough to have some understanding and compassion regarding this situation. She should be your focus - not your step-daughter. Your step-daughter deserves to have some peace and understanding when she is visiting her dad. Not that it is all your daughter's fault - but she needs to be your focus. She is with you all year round. Good luck!
