Need Help with a Family Matter

I would say I am kinda in the same boat only its my sisters son. he has a Dad that he spends a lot of time with. but not always doing what he wants to do. Or they find someone to pon him off on like me.... so I feel he does't get the affection he needs so I to buy things & such. How ever my husband wants me to understand it is not about the money... My Nephew wants the love, the time, the affection... He wants the family..... but I still buy little things because he is so special to me.... Good luck to you sometimes i know my husband doesnt really get mad @ me its the fact that they are the parents & I shouldnt cover for them......

No good deed goes unpunished! I'm with you, but since I began supplimenting Christmas for a couple of kids whose Moms were struggling through costly divorces, I have some cautions for you.
First, there was a hint in your writing that the boy may have your number when he told you he would love to take a vacation like you did. Careful! Second, I've learned that often a parent, (his mother) might not understand the obvious and wonder why you are favoring one of her children with better gifts than the other, not to mention putting the older child in therapy for a few years! This might be solved by enlisting your son, who is closest to this boy to earn extra money before Christmas to help with that special gift. Same thing for vacations except enlist both boys to earn the travel privileges. This not only puts responsibility right back on them, but helps you disentangle from big Christmas commitments should circumstances change. My kids are in their teens and I started back when they were five. Oh, and by the way, they are very attached to me. I am like a grandmother to one of them and she gave a speech at my retirement that I could NEVER live up to. You would have thought I was citizen of the year or something! I'm not. I believe we are here to fill gaps like these, but try not to let your sympathy show and don't set yourself up as an easy mark!
Your heart is in the right place,
C. S.

Dear L.,

Is it possible to include your nephew in time at home with your family? It seems that perhaps what he needs most of all is love, and that can be shown other ways besides through tangible gifts.

I would caution you about doing things that your husband opposes. Yes, he is your nephew and very special to you, and of course you love him and want to do nice things for and with him. But be careful about doing things that will cause tension in your own marriage. I would really encourage you to talk with your husband about the situation-- let him know that you want to respect his wishes about not spending too much money on the boy, but your heart really goes out to him and would like to help nurture him in some way-- ask your husband what he thinks the two of you should do for the nephew. I was just thinking that if the two of you could approach this together, it might be a win-win for everyone.
Best of luck to you,
A.

Hi L.,

I am assuming you mean "single" mom, I wasn't sure what you meant at first.

You are an AUNT, therefore YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SPOIL YOUR NEPHEWS!!! I am an AUNT and have ALWAYS spoilt all of my neices and nephews!! I now have a son and he is spoilt from other folks, and since I have a great relationship with my nephews, I also give them generous gifts on their b-days & Christmases. I also remember to send them cards and momentos ($$ too) on Valentine's Day, Halloween, and other little Holidays. I guess your dh is looking at it in the sence that since you have 3 kids of your own, you have enough responsibilities there.

Your dh needs to know that you have a special relationship with your nephew (s) and you want to do this for them. On the other hand, maybe you might want to modify your gift-giving to not necessarily be equal or the same, but always follow it up with something special just for him. A mini-scrapbook of him growing up, or something special that you make for him, it is not always about $$, but I know were you are coming from. Since I only have 1 child, it is easier for me to do for my nephews, but you dh should not deprive you of doing for him if that makes you feel good. I enjoy giving anyway and my friends has gotten used to it. It isn't always a store item, sometimes it is giving for myself, time, or something home-made. Also, it doesn't always have to be the same gift for your son as your nephews, this may cause hidden resentment on your son's part, but doing something along the same lines is fine. Just be moderate. You don't always have to do for your kids either, spent more time with them rather than gifts.

I will always give my nephews gifts no matter what until after they probably get married. We are very close and that is just the way it is!!

I have one of their b-days coming up in February and have already purchased something for him from this past summer (great clothes on sale at the Children's Place) and I plan to send him a b-day card with these items and probably some $$ too!

I don't argue with my dh, I just do it. If it is causing a financial burden, then re-think it, but if it isn't, then what is the harm. He knows you love him, (tell him obviously) and that is what matters!!

So, I am with you girl!!

Gladys B.

Okay, I am a product of a similar relationship. My mom was single when she had me and was until I was seven. We received a lot of help from my aunt and uncle. My cousin is only a year younger than I and we grew up together as close as siblings. Since I did not have a father figure, my uncle was there. As for my aunt, she treated me like her own. Whatever my cousin did, I got to do. Any vacation that was taken, I was always included. It did not matter if my mom went or not. There were many times that she did not, for she had to work.

I say this, as long as your kids and your sister-in-law do not mind, it shouldn't matter. 13 is an impressionable, tender age. What you are doing is going out of your way to show him that he is important. The 19 year old nephew is old enough to know better. And your sons are also old enough to understand that you want their cousin to be just as blessed as they are and not be jealous.

I want to thank you for being so kind to him. I know that the bond that I share with my aunt and uncle is one of a kind. They are my second parents. My younger siblings and younger cousins (they are seven years apart from both of us) don't know what fun we had when we were little. To me, my cousin is my brother, that feeling would not be if my aunt had not included me on everything.

All families should be as tight as yours and mine.

Blessings!

I am a single mom who's kids father isn't that invovled in their lives.

What you are doing is a good thing. it could make the world of difference to that boy.

L.,

Frankly, I agree with you. I think I understand where your husband is coming from, but I don't see a really good reason NOT to do what you are doing. Convincing your husband otherwise, I guess, is the issue. No, your nephew is not your child, and it would probably be good that your children feel the distinction, but it sounds like your nephew really appreciates the sense of family your efforts give him. Though your efforts come through via "things," it's not the things that are making the impact--it's the love you are showing. It may also affect how your children and he rely on one another when they are older, as adults. And that, would be priceless.

I think what you are doing is sweet. Just as long as you don't neglect your children's wishes by always helping out their nephew. Also, even though her older son's dad is still in his life, if you were trying to be equal, you would treat both nephews the same. It sounds like you are treating the 13 yr old this way out of pity. If you want a close relationship with him, wouldn't you also want a close relationship with the other one too, even though he has a dad? I say, tell your husband that it is important to you to be close to your sister's children. But promise him that there will still be a distinction between them and your children as well.

I am a single mother with six children and my boys have a friend that is over all the time. His family situation is worse than mine. I have started treating him like my own (his mother is absent). He has even gone on a trip with us. God has made me aware of some things. We need to help when we can. I think it would be awesome if your husband tried to bond with this boy. He needs a father figure. You can't change the fact his father is irresponsible but you can make an impact on his life. Look at history and all the humanitarians we admire. They helped when they didn't have to.