Need Help Steering Teen in "Right" Direction

I think he should give her enough rope to hang herself. She'll see how hard it will be to pay for college and attend while working (I did it) and possibly racking up huge student loan debt (I didn't).
It's his money and he is free to attach whatever strings to it that he chooses. But he also must be ready to deal with the repercussions to the relationship.

My father has a PhD and always strongly advocated that school was our top priority. I am the youngest of 3 daughters - 2 of us have college degrees, the oldest does not. She was forced to go to college before she was emotionally ready and dropped out (and has not had the personal or external encouragement to complete her coursework).

I, on the other hand, had to spend my sophomore year out of college to earn money when finances were tight. I worked 3 jobs at 19 and paid for a good portion of college when returning. I chose not to get caught-up in the fun of being a 19 year old and saw how hard it was to have a good salary without a degree. It made me a much better, more dedicated student upon my return.

I share those stories because I think a lot of students are told they need to go to college before they're ready. We also asked our financial planner about a child who doesn't want to go to college - can 529 funds be used for trade schools (yes).

All you and her dad can do is to encourage her to make the decisions that will allow her to lead the best life possible. She may need to fall before she flourishes and learn through the school of hard knocks. I would recommend, though, not cutting her off completely if she chooses the option you don't support. Chances are, she'll learn quickly she made a mistake and will need your care and support.

I think one of the best life lessons my parents taught me was when that sister chose to get married at 19 to someone she'd only known a few months (he was a great guy, just not the right person for her) - when I asked why they were letting her, they said, "She's an adult, she can make her own mistakes. We'd rather let her make a mistake and be there to support her than to lose a daughter". All of my most important life lessons have been learned by persevering through tough times.

Good luck. It's a tough situation.

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Have you tried visiting colleges, going on tours, looking at housing options, etc.? I worked at a school where the majority of seniors were looking at college with tons of confusion as none of their immediate family members had been to college and going to colleges, talking to students and counselors, etc. was hugely powerful. You can also show her the other side. THere are programs to do this and even calculators online to show the impacts of choices economically. The site I use at school is password protected and there are licenses we had to buy, but it's important for her to see the impact of her choices. Good luck!

If he handles it right, it doesn't have to be the end to their relationship (not to say that my way is the right way, but you guys will find your right way). I would suggest that he sticks to his guns. It is his money and he has a right to decide how to spend it on his daughter - even if it means putting conditions on it. However, no matter how mad she gets (my guess is she doesn't think he will go through with it), he needs continue to be emotionally supportive of her decisions - even if it is going back to her mom's house. Clear boundries of what you are he are willing to accept, without blame or yelling, will go alot farther than anything. Calmly re-present the offer of school whenever the opportunity arises, but if she says she is moving, ask her if she needs any help and make plans of how to keep in touch after she moves. Believe it or not, it is likely that she will move there and see that there is nothing really there for her. If she does decide to stay, it is unlikely that she would have lasted even a semester in college right now.

Good luck :)

Dawn's answer is perfect imho.

The only thing I would add is to consider some sort of counseling (?) for her to help sort through the complex emotional issues pertaining to her mom. She may feel the urge to care-take her, or she may feel she needs to somehow "make up" the time lost (not uncommon for kids of divorce).

I would want to help her explore why she wants to do it when there is a very good chance that it may not be in her best interest for adult life going forward. She may have a good reason, too, and that's fine. But at least she'll understand her motivations better.

Good luck.

I agree with the moms who say let her choose. Teens don't come with a reliable steering apparatus, unfortunately. And she may have some more growing up to do before she sees the value in further education; lots of kids do.

As you are, I'm actually more worried about the line your husband has drawn in the sand. I see the point, and it could be that his daughter is bluffing, but the standoff could result in a daughter who stubbornly does what she wants now, and you and her dad may have little or no ability to help her in the future once everyone's pride is involved.

And Dad may really want to help daughter someday. I wonder if there's a gentle way for you to wonder out loud about that – maybe you already have. It is the cause of much conflict, but many people would rather be "right" than loved.

Eventually, that sometimes becomes a learning opportunity, too. My best to you all.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you and your husband can do once a child is 18. They have to make their mistakes.

However, if she does move back with the mother, she may change her mind very soon. Having no one around etc. etc. will probably become very unappealing very quickly. After 3 years she's probably just looking to reconnect with her mom.

Just tell your husband to tell his daughter that she gets the cell phone back and the college paid for, etc., if and when she leaves Alabama. I don't see why her moving there should ruin their relationship. Your husband needs to not take it personally.

What about helping her find some colleges that are some closer to you or at least further form AL? Far enough that commuting isn't an option so she would need to stay in the dorms or with you. Find out what her goals are (what she wants to be, how she wants to live) and then help plan how to get there...what is required. Ask if she thinks that will happen if she moves back with mom (be careful you don't sound like you are judging but point out specifically what behaviors would hinder HER goals). Good luck!

My one daughter just graduated HS. She's such a paradox. She told me at 7 that she'd never leave me... and means it. She totally plans on getting married someday, but he'll have to re-locate. LOL... She's in college, but still wants me to read her papers before turning them in...

my other daughter on the other hand, moved out at 17, got married, and got herself into a really sticky situtation... against every advice, tear, or threat. We totally cut her off... for a little while, but we did at least continue to talk to her. We kept her phone available so she could get in touch with us. She returned to the nest, regrouped, and is now in a totally better situation. Don't completely cut her off. You WANT her to be able to come back and let you continue to help her make better choices.

Maybe she's not so much moving to be closer to mom, as little sister. Maybe you and your husband have shown her a better way and she sees this as an opportunity to share that with her sister who seems to need some guidance.

Maybe she just needs to feel a connection to both sides. You can keep the communication open and still have some limitations. You can help with her college, but make sure she doesn't just goof it off...

Here's a solution my aunt and uncle used for their grandchildren. They told them "we'll pay 100% for the first semester, where EVER you want to go.
Each semester after that, we'll pay 100% of as many classes as you made "A's". We'll pay 50% of as many classes as you made "B's". Anything less than that and you're on your own."