Need Help/advice with a 9 Year Old and Her Messy-ness

She is probably overwhelmed. Take all her toys/books etc. out of her room and store them. Then take all her clothes away except 7 prepicked outfits for the next week. Then allow her to choose 3 toys or books and give her a designated place to put them. Everyday before dinner check her room. If her dirty clothes are in the hamper, her clean clothes still in her drawer or on a shelf and her 3 toys/ books picked up she recieves a star and an allowance (we give my son a dollar because we make him purchase all his toys and books himself but it could be a quarter). When she has seven stars she can "buy" three more toys or books out of the garage or storage area.If after several weeks you feel that you have reached the limit of how many toys she can keep clean then have her put back 3 toys for every new 3 she chooses.
When her laundry hamper is full at the end of the week show her how to load it into the washer then dryer. When it is folded and put in a plastic bin she can be allowed to pick out seven more outfits for the next week. You need to get a handle on this before your younger one is old enough to make her own messes!
I know it's hard but this works. I still have more toys in the garage than in my son's room but when I rotate the toys he is more interested in playing with them!

1 mom found this helpful

I noticed there were some other moms who recommended flylady.net... I encourage you to do so! One of my favorite things I learned from the Flylady is the "5 minute room rescue." We set the timer for 5 minutes, then clean together. I am always so amazed at how much we can pick up in just 5 minutes. I try to do this once a day...really helps stay on top of the overwhelming mess!
Good luck! :)

If I have to pick it up I throw it away. My daughter knows I mean business because I don't treaten to do it, I do it. My daughter watched me pick her stuff up and pitch it. I don't want to throw good stuff away and nobody does but they need to witness the fact that you mean business. My daughter now understands that if she can not take care of what she has she can't have more.

Ok, my daughter is messy, too. Mostly because she has SO much stuff with no real space for it. Our house is pretty small. I'll tell you 2 things I do.

First, I tell her that if she wants a story at bedtime, there has to be a clear path from the door to the bed. If I can't walk without stepping on toys and stuff, no story. This works well enought that I don't step on toys - but she's 6.

The second I have used, and my mother used it on me. Set aside a day for clean up. Before she starts, let her know there is a time limit, and what your definition of "clean" is. Then explain "the rule" - this is the suck part for you. The rule is that if her room is not clean in x amount of time, you will clean it - but what you pick up goes in the trash. Now, the hard part is you HAVE to follow thru. I've done this for my daughter. I never get to the throw away part, because I check on her and if she isn't doing what she is supposed to, I go get a trash bag. She kinda freaks out and starts cleaning. You may actually have to throw some things away. When she figures out you're serious, usually the threat alone will work. Ok, it does for my 6 year old and it did for me!

try flylady.net and then go to a student control journal... the whole thing works wonders as far as keeping the whole house clean and especially for kids.

I had a 12 year old step-son living with me that didn't know how to make his bed, let alone keep things tidy. He didn't share a room with anyone, so we had a saturday morning clean up, or if he wanted to stay the night with a friend, he had to clean on Friday night.

I would suggest you do the 'if it's on the floor you loose it' rule. Whatever is on the floor when she goes to school, goes in a bag that you keep. If it gets to far, you reserve one outfit for her to wear to school everyday. She can earn one item back at a time, with everyday that her room is clean. You mentioned that you have already tried this, but how long did you continue? It's something that I would say will take about a month to believe that you're serious. Whatever you do, Don't Bend! Not even once....The main key is being consistant with the rule. Deside what it is and give it time to sink in.

I hope this doesn't discredit me.....I read in an interview with Madonna that her 8 year old is super messy with her clothes, the above is her rule. She said at the time it was starting to work, but that her daughter had worn the same outfit on several occacions.

I could be reading about my house when I read your post. My daughter is 8 almost 9 and is the exact some way! And to add to it she shares her room with her little sister who is 5 and also the exact some way! I havent read any post yet but you know I am going to because I have pretty much giving up any hope in keeping their room clean. They have to much stuff and no room for it. They are real pack rats..they get it from there dad. If they are out with a grandparent or aunt I will go into their room and get some stuff out they dont play with to take to good will or something and my husband will go thru the boxes and pretty much pull everything back out. Drives me crazy! I am sorry I guess I really dont have any advise. Just wanted to say....your not alone! and if you find something that helps....fill me in :)

My mom would always reduce my wardrobe to 3 choices. I had to earn them back and if the mess returned I would be back to three. My children are still little so we haven't faced this yet. Maybe with her other things you can try a rotation system. I only leave about a third of their toys available at one time. It helps control the clutter and make things feel new again when they reappear. As a reformed pack rat I can relate to your daughter, but as a mom I completely feel your pain!!! Good Luck!!

J. A.

hi
i might try getting some plastic tubs to sort things and put them in there, then labeling them. etc.: art supplies, socks, misc., hats, school papers etc.

hope that helps!!!

Check out flylady.net It's geared towards adults getting their homes and lives in order, but she provides a "control journal" for children, especially for when they start school, and it's intended for the child to do on their own without their parents nagging, which might really help. Kids (and husbands!) automatically resist us when we're telling them what to do, even if it's for their own good. The student control journal helps them stay organized and establish routines. Here's the link to the control journal: http://www.flylady.net/images/student_CJ.pdf#search=%22st...

Also look at her home page flylady.net Her systems might really help you find peace in your own life like it did for me.

I don't have a nine year old so I don't know from parental experience, but I was a nine year old and I know that I was a mess too. Is it the safety of you with the baby or is it the mess that bothers you? I think those would require two different solutions. These are just ideas that have popped into my head, having no basis in personal experience. . . can you put tape on the floor that makes a path from the door to the crib letting Ashley know that the path has to be clean at all times, if it is just the safety issue. Or, if it is the mess, take everything out of the room (I mean everything including toys, all of her clothes, shoes, school stuff, jewelery, craft stuff, stuffed animals, ect) then start over with one outfit (that you pick out) that she will wear that day. If she is able to put that into the hamper consistently for several days in a row then she can earn the right to pick something out to keep in her room (a toy, stuffed animal, book, clothes, jewelery). If she is judicious with that item then she earns the right to choose something else. I think you get the picture. I saw a mom on Dr Phil (or one of those shows) that had a child that refused to keep the toy room clean, so his mom put all of his toys in a tote and locked them up. She gave him one toy and as he showed that he could keep track of that toy and put it away he got to earn all of his toys back. The little boy (who was 4 or 5) said that he thought it was a great idea because it really taught him to enjoy his toys more. I don't pretend to know you or your children, but I think that if she has enough clothes to make that big of a mess, she probably has more than she needs. Maybe the excess overwhelms her. Keep me posted on what you end up doing. I am going to end up with a nine year old girl sooner or later and I will probably need some of the same advice! Kim

Have you considered that this might be Ashley's way of trying to get attention? Even though it is negative attention, for that time, she has your **undivided** attention and is in no hurry to clean up and give you back to her siblings, especially to Allison...

I have a 2 year old and 4.5 year old boy and I have noticed that when I didn't spend enough one-on-one time with my oldest during the day that he becomes rather unruly and disobedient in the late afternoon and evening...

It is very difficult for kids to learn to share mommy and daddy with their siblings and a little one that is constantly in mommy's arms or with her make it very obvious to the other children that they are now the second or third fiddle in the family... even though that is not true in the grown-up minds and hearts.

So perhaps some dedicated one-on-one time with you and your daughter without her siblings interrupting and/or around could remedy the problem...? Perhaps some fun mommy and daughter dress up as you clean up the room, making up stories as you go, or whatever your daughter is interested in...?

I hope this can help in your situation. Just remember, kids cannot always express what they are feeling and we have to play detectives to figure out what need the child is trying to fill.

All the best, D.

I would say to put lots of bins, hampers, containers, whatever you want, in her room and label them. Have her put all the stuff where they belong and try using a timer and have her see how much she can put away in [so many] minutes. Also, try making up a song that she can sing while she picks up. We sing "trash, trash, pick up the trash". Simple and yet to the point. My youngest LOVES it. Give her an empty soda can and she starts singing the song as she walks to throw it in the trash.

FLYLADY RULES!!!! Yes, you need to visit flylady.net. Her simple daily routines will help you get your life and hers back in order. Remember, children learn by example. You may think your house is clean, but with Flylady's daily routines, you never have to spend an entire weekend "power cleaning". She needs to spend 15 minutes at a time decluttering her room, throw away or give away 27 things a day, and spend 5 minutes a day on a spot that is constantly cluttered. Trust us, this really works. I see there are two other flybabies who responded. Flylady helped me see the light and I love my house because my routines help the house practically clean itself. Please go check it out. Check out the student control journal. You do not need to resort to threats or punnishments. Help her get control and establish habits and you will both find peace.

My friend has been having a similar problem and she actually shares her bedroom with her daughter so that makes it really bad. She just let her daugher pick out 5 toys and she boxed up all the rest of them. For every day that she keeps the room clean she gets to earn back toys, when it is not clean she loses another toy. It has been working like a charm.