Need Advise Re: a "Presentless" B'day Party

I hate this kind of party...you really never know what to do. Esp since she worded it 'not necessary'. I would read this to mean that you could if you wanted so I would bring something AND make a small donation.

FWIW I think that they wanted to appear altruistic but still wanted presents.

LOVE what Kitty B had to say about this!!!! Seriously-a no gift party is all about the parents,,,not the birthday kid. There are many other ways to teach charity other than hijacking a child's birthday.

I always think its rude when people tell you how you should spend you money period! If he wants to go to the party let him. Go ahead and donate to the charity if you wish but I would think a 9 year old would want a gift.

I think if they were requesting "no presents" it would have said just that...I'd probably get him something cool or a gift card AND donate to the charity as well. :)

We have been to those parties as well. I always respect the wishes on the invitation, no presents means no presents to me, and the people who honor that are always frustrated by those who bring stuff anyway- then we feel embarassed that we did what they asked. A couple of times the parties were hosted by friends of ours, who later said they were embarassed by the gifts brought, because they knew it made others feel uncomfortable, so they were upset with the gift-givers.

No presents are necessary is a weird way to say it. If you are worried, I like the idea of bringing balloons or maybe some cookies. But you should be totally fine just donating to the charity. In fact, maybe have your son draw a picture to go with your donation- this way you have something 'fancy' looking. At 9 years old, the birthday boy certainly knows there will be no gifts, he's old enough to get this and approve it.

I, personally, do not know of any child who does not want a gift on their b-day. Most of the time, when it's a no gift necessary party, it is because the PARENTS do not want them. I always bring something small or a gift card for the b-day boy--they light up!

I have been to the "no gifts" parties...the child is disappointed, or will ask if he got any gifts, and it's all because the parent did not want to deal with more "things"

Our solution is this: Right before birthdays and Xmas we go thru the toys and decide what we should donate to other kids who do not have things....this pairs down the toys, but leaves an open window to let others bring a gift. This also teaches about charity, and helping others....

On that note, we always have a "no gift necessary" party...this is for the families who can not afford a gift, and otherwise would not come because they could not bring one...My kids would rather have their friends there. But, like me, some still bring a gift--something small or a gift card, so he still gets something for his b-day, but we are not overwhelmed with new things--everyone has a good time, and everyone is happy.

In this situation, I would bring a check for the charity and bring a gift card for the child. This is respecting the parent to reduce gifts, but also bringing the child's self-esteem up that someone thought of him during this special time. The phrasing is that you do not have to, but are welcome to bring one...It does not say "no gifts", which would imply that you are not to bring one at all....

Sometimes the parents have to remember that it's not all about them and remember what it was like to be a little kid who did not get a gift on their b-day.

The parent may be wanting to teach the child that it's not always all about them, and that is why the charity donation is there...they may have lots of things and not appreciate what they have--and thus, the parent is trying to teach them that there are others out there. That is a great lesson to teach, yes....but not on a child's b-day...THAT day IS all about them.....

That is a lesson to be learned throughout the year in the form of going thru clothes and toys to donate, volunteering in soup kitchens, handing out gifts at Xmas time to the less fortunate, volunteering at the library to read to other kids, buying a meal for a family who may have just lost their job, going to the grocery store and buying a weeks worth of food for a friend who is sick, lost a job, or just needs a helping hand, walking the dog of an elderly person, or just visiting a nursing home... Helping the kid at the park find a lost ball, or giving up your ice creame for a kid whose fell on the ground....almost every town has a "Hands On (enter your town here)" organization that can match your kids age range with a volunteer opportunity to teach them this.

ok, off soapbox....

The invitation specified "donations accepted in lieu of presents" so respect their wishes and have a great time ! But maybe bring one of those Mylar "Happy Birthday" balloons with a card" for the birthday boy. As far as contributing to the charity, donate what you might spend on the child's b-day present assuming you support the charity or donate to your own and put a card in the box that says a "donation was made in your name to..."

I say, bring a donation & don't give the b-day boy anything. I am planning on starting to do this type of party, as well. I think parents are just so sick of their kids getting mountains of the same type of crappy, plastic toys, toys their kids don't need. I would honor their request.

No do not give a present. You can slip a $10 (or however much you are comfortable with) check written to the charity (in case they are just wanting cash and pocketing it) into the donation box if you want, but please respect them and don't bring a gift. There are probably a myriad of reasons they don't want to be cluttered with presents. We had a party that asked for no presents (we didn't do the charity box thing, too awkward), and people still brought toys. I gave them all to goodwill b/c we were trying to downsize and was tiring of all the junky toys all over the place.

This is a very generous and selfless act for the birthday boy - please respect their wishes and contribute to the charity only. It may have a personal meaning to him and his family. We tried this one year, and only got one donation with a lot of presents that my daughter never played with!

This drives me crazy! Let the kid be a kid and enjoy presents in celebration of their birthday. I think Jeanne F. was right - it teaches kids how to give and recieve - an important lesson. That doesn't mean that you can't teach them how to donate and give at other times throughout the year. Get the boy a gift and donate if you want to. Gifts don't need to be expensive - just thoughtful. Have your son pick something out. My husband and I give to our own charites thru work every year and if something is a legit awesome charity than of course we'd give something to that too if we could.

I have a problem whenever people ask for no presents. I understand that increasingly people feel uncomfortable asking others to spend money, especially during difficult times like these, but that's not what this message is about. They WANT you to spend money, but only how they specifically want you to. I give plenty of money and time to charities that are important to me. I understand the desire to convey messages of selflessness to our children, but we can do that everyday through other opportunities. A better option for birthdays in my opinion to to teach children the art of thoughtful giving. When it comes to something special for someone I care about, it makes me feel uncomfortable to not give them a little token directly from me to them. Here is what I would suggest....contribute to the charity ONLY if you want to. The main gift that I would consider is having your son make something special for this child. Frame a picture of the two of them, or he can make the other child a bookmark with a special design and inscribe the back. It doesn't have to be big or expensive, but it does need to be something with thought. THAT is the message I believe our children need to be taught. You can have your son give it to his friend either before or after the party. If the other parent says something, simply smile and say, "We were more comfortable with this." Children need to be taught how to give and receive gracefully. Give a gift with thought and receive one with appreciation.

I have been having no present parties for my son and I will continue to do it. He is by NO means lacking in any way whatsoever!!!! I mean, we are still having a party with all of his friends and snacks and goody bags!!! It is about the day, not the gift!

Further more, we live in a society were stuff is expected. I have a sister in law who puts out huge tables for all of my nieces presents and after the party takes pictures of everything and sends it to all of us....bragging! It really upsets me because I know her daughter plays with maybe a fourth of the stuff and then it gets tossed when mom gets tired of it.....what a waste.

Give to the charity but do not take a gift....Your presence is present enough in my book :)

I would contribute to the charity and give the birthday boy an awesome card from your son.

I definately would just donate. I am a mom that thinks the "present thing" is out of control. I actually was thinking of doing something like this for my daughter. It is really difficult to teach your kids not to expect gifts for every occasion when everyone continues to supply them! That is just my opinion.

We've done something similar... about 4 Christmas's ago, I really couldn't afford to do much for the girls, so I used it as a teaching/learning opportunity and the kids agreed that we would donate, and ask friends and family to donate, to our local children's shelter in lieu of gifts for ourselves. We still got spoiled rotten by grandma and grandpa, but we were still able to make a HUGE donation to the children's shelter. Now, every year, we're sure to do the Angel Tree during the holidays to help other kids. I truly hope that if we were in those children's situation, someone would be kind enough to give us a hand. The girls like helping other kids!

I need clarification...who said, "a legit awesome charity which I'm keeping anonymous". Was that on the invite or are you not sharing the name of the charity? B/c it sounds like that is what was on the invite, but if it wasn't WHY wouldn't you share the name of the charity here? And, if it was worded on the invite that way - duh, the charity is the mom. If not, I'm still stuck on the fact you won't mention the name of the charity - kinda weird.

Regarding whether to bring a present. I would bring a small present and depending on the naming of the charity issue (as mentioned above) I would leave a small donation in the form of a check made out to the charity. Previous posts are correct - the 'no present' party if for the parent not the 9 year old boy! This is the one selfish day we get, that we share with no one. There is nothing wrong w/ gifts on that day.

Its kinda tough not knowing the charity - I once did a party for my daughter and asked for donations to the local humane society. We collected quite a bit of items but she also got gifts - especially from family.

Anonymous does sound strange, how would anyone know what to donate?

If they are asking for no gifts, please do not send a gift!! Stick $5 or $10 in an envelope for the charity box and be done.

I tried to do this a few years ago and it was really frustrating. I asked people not to send gifts and about 1/3 of the parents did it anyway, leaving those who did not bring a gift feeling awful.

FYI: Some people do this because they get so many gifts from family members that they are overwhelmed with presents that the child doesn't even use. I totally get it. If they say not to bring a present, don't bring a present. If you budget for these sorts of things, give to the charity the same amount you would have spent on a gift.

I think it's a great idea. I myself would probably buy a small gift for the birthday child and spend maybe $5 on it and then would give a check to the charity they are collecting for. We usually spend $15 total so I would write my check out for $10. I hope that helps .

I'd give a play date 'coupon' (and maybe make a day out for that playdate that's a surprise) and make the donation of what I'd spend on a gift.

My daughter had a harvest fundraiser for our animal shelter & asked for donations of food & such for the pound. She ended up collecting almost 500 lbs of food for the animals. I would make out a check in the name of the charity in any amount and put it in a card from your son. Many chidren seem to be doing more and more of this because they are realizing that there is more a need for charities to be remembered then themselves. It is an awesome idea and it teaches them a lot. I wouldn't give the b-day boy anything because it kind of takes away from the statement they are trying to convey.

I often had no present birthday celebration for my son. It was a gift to have his friends come over and celebrate with him and an expense that I didn't want to impose on his friend's families. It worked well for us. Now that he is a teen, we still do no present birthdays with a couple of his friends - it seems none of them buy gifts for each other. :)

I would do what the invite asks and contribute to the charity and forgo the present.

I think it is a lovely idea - teaches children to give to others while celebrating their friend.

I love the idea of a play date coupon in a card for the birthday boy, plus a donation if you want.

We have attended several of these parites and typically what we do is contribute whatever we would have spent on a gift and have a card for the birthday child!

They say no presents are necessary. It may not be necessary, but that doesnt mean prohibited. If it were me, I would call the mom and tell her what a great idea and how you are glad to donate $20 to the charity. I would then ask her, would you mind if we also gave your son a card with $10 in it for himself. I think if you give double to the charity you are still respecting thier wishes. And that gives her an opportunity to say, no that wont be necessary or yes, thats nice of you to be so thoughtful.

My dd has done this a couple of times, as have some friends. Give the gift to the charity only. Respect their wishes.

As an idea, it is a great party activity to do something for the charity. pack care packages for soldiers, drive the canned goods to the food bank, make fleece blankets for the animal shelter, go shopping for the canned goods/school supplies/toys for children's hospital...What a great lesson for kids.