R.J. asks from Ooltewah, TN on November 21, 2006
Need Advice on Relationship
i have been dating this man for almost 3 years. i am bipolar and have trouble with it from time to time. he says he understands but he doesnt. when i get depressed he makes me feel bad by sating stuff like im ignoring him and i take him for granted. he just makes things worse on me instead of being understanding and supportive. and i think he has commitment issues.anytime i mention marriage or even just getting engaged he always says its not the right time. i am almost 39 and i want to be married and us be a real family. i dont know what to do about of all of this. it is causing me to have some resentment towards him. i love him so much and dont want to give up but what do i do? if you have any suggestions please let me know!! theres alot more i could tell but i dont want to write a book . lol but help if you can!! thanks
H.C. answers from Chattanooga on November 21, 2006
Hey R.,i have a younger sis who has the same things as you.She has just recently gone through a similar situation.Although you love him its clear he doesnt truly respect you for the person you are.IF he did he would be more understanding as to how u are feeling or what ur going through.He wouldnt make it about him.You should politely and calmly say(as best as you can w/out getting emotional in front of him)that you are notmeaning to make him feel unwanted or make him feel like ur taking him for granted.You are having a hard time right now and you really need him to be there for you to help u through it as you recognize its not easy for him and u need to help him thru it also.Reassure him you both love each other and you both need to be here for each other more when these episodes occur.Its not going to be easy and i know it seems like its for him but its really isnt.Its for BOTH of you.You can feel free to write me,,,____@____.com Otherwise i would be writing you a book,,lol Good luck hun,H.
A.R. answers from Tuscaloosa on November 22, 2006
IF YOU HAVE BEEN WITH HIM THIS LONG AND HE HANDLES YOUR DISORDER IN THIS MANNER...IT IS NOT GOING TO GET ANY BETTER. ALSO I KNOW MOST GUYS FEEL SMOOTHERED IF U BRING UP THE MARRIAGE WORD, SO IF U PLAN ON STAYING WITH HIM YOU MAY WANT TO BACK AWAY FROM THE MARRIAGE WORD.
J.B. answers from Memphis on November 22, 2006
This is going to sound as if I have no compassion - but it is with you in mind. Marriage intensifies relationship problems. I fear that you would be asking for years of heartache by continuing in this direction.
Loneliness is a monster - and it distorts reasoning at times. Don't compromise your concerns.
L.W. answers from Mobile on November 22, 2006
My husband of 3 years still has problems understanding my Bi-Polar sometimes. The next time you go to you doctor about your illness, get pamplets on your disorders. Give them to your boyfriend and let him know you want him to understand the ins and outs of your illness. It helped my husband, so if I just snap at him he knows not to take it personally that I don't realize I'm doing it. He lets me know about it and gives me a big hug. Another thing I did was take my husband with me when I went to the doctor. He learned the signs and symptoms first hand but at the same time he told my doctor that I had been unusually irritable and I didn't know it. He needs to understand what you are going through that when you have an episode it has nothing to do with him. Maybe he'll understand better with pamphlets and it may even bring you closer. Just don't push about marraige, let him understand you better first and let him make the move. You don't want to push him out of the picture. It's may take awhile for it to be "the right time." My husband was the same way then one day out of the blue he popped up with "Let's get married." Remember, its hard on the guys too. They aren't experiencing what we are and don't know what to do when we go through these things. Guys don't like to feel helpless and out of control. Good Luck!
A.S. answers from Jackson on November 22, 2006
Sweetie, if this guy is pulling the guilt trip on you and says the time isn't right, i would have to say he doesn't truely care for you like you do him. Your first concern needs to be your happiness and your daughters are your second. Ask yourself, Am I honestly happy with this relationship? You have to be honest with yourself. If you can say honestly you are, look at your self esteem. if you are not happy, then its time, unfortunately, to move on to something different. Like i stated, you have to take care of yourself and your girls. The rest if meant to be will fall into place. Good luck sweetie. I'm here if you want to talk more. Message me and I will give you my email address if you want. ((((R.))))
D.H. answers from Hartford on November 27, 2006
I think it's time to separate your needs from your neediness. What is YOUR timeline in this relationship? Is this an equal partnership? I have so much more to say but I need to ask more questions if you're comfortable. I am a certified life coach specializing in relationships, so let me know if you'd like to talk at some point. My e-mail is ____@____.com good to yourself, R.
T.D. answers from Knoxville on November 22, 2006
honey you are reading into this too much. we as women well lets just say our minds go all the time.
where a mans mind doesn't.
the best thing to do is go with your gut. that will be all you need. take care of you 1st.
B.F. answers from Auburn on November 22, 2006
I am also bipolar. Mine currently is very well controlled and I function very well most of the time, but I have had a few episodes during the past few years. (Luckily I have a magnicifent doctor who helps me to get to feeling better very quickly.) I can tell you that there is no way anyone can truly understand unless they have went through it. My father is severely bipolar and I call him when I am down. Generally it is something along the lines of "But I don't want to be like this, I want to fell better, When does it get easier to deal with?" His answer always has been that it really doesn't get any easier because people can't cope with the fact that you can't just make yourself feel better just because you want to feel better. That is not in our general make-up to accept. People put a big stock in the old saying "Mind over Matter" but with a bipolar person, that isn't possible.
The only real advice I can give you is #1, have him read everything you can find about bipolar disorder online. This way he can read a little about what you are going through and know that you aren't just making it up. #2, don't take things so personally when you are in a depressive state. Sometimes bipolar's, just like everyone else, have a bad day and get down. Being down is a far cry from being depressed for us, but others can't always tell, so we get treated as they would treat anyone else when they were upset. But in some ways, isn't that a good thing every once in a while? Isn't it nice that the guy that you love sees you as just another person and not a disease?
Let me know if you need to talk to someone who lives it.