Need Advice on a Big Secret I Have Kept

Hi L.. Congratulations on being such a WONDERFUL WOMAN!!!! Raising a bi-polar child and assisting and ailing EX, you are my shero!!!!!

I think it's time to tell the BF about your daughter. If he's been with you for five months, he knows your character and that you have done the best that you can in raising your child. We can direct our children, but ultimately they make the decisions on how they will live their lives. As you stated, you will support her and the baby and you should. You know how difficult it is to be a parent, regardless of the age you are when you give birth.

Since you and BF have only been together five months, I don't think he should be too upset that you didn't introduce him to your daughter. 1) She just lost her father who has been sick for a while, so this an emotional time for her. 2) She needed to deal with the loss of her dad before she realizes that Mommy has someone in her life. 3) You wanted to see where it was going. I dont want to put my views on you, but I wouldn't want to introduce my children to every man that I met. Only if i saw there was a possibility that he may be around for awhile.

L., I hope all works out for you and BF. And that the new baby is healthy and your daughter is able to be the best mother she can be.

Have a happy holiday and a blessed new year.

2 moms found this helpful

you know you have to come clean to him, and soon. its best if he finds out from you first. Let him in on how your feeling. tell him about your fears. let him know that it hurts you not to let him in on such a big part of your life. He has kids of his own and should realize that there comes a point in the kids life that the parents just have no control over. You ARE a good mother. Your daughter getting pregnant isn't in anyway a reflection on yourself. You are staying with her through this magnificant change in her (and all of your family's) life. And although you're only "legally" responsible to your daughter for another yr or so, as a parent you know you'll help her out in anyway you can, because you love her. You should believe that your daughter is wonderful as well. Her behavior may not have been what you wished for her, but stuff does happen, and its how she's dealing with it that counts.
I know he'll be hurt and feel betrayed that you kept this from him, but if you don't tell him soon, your only hurting yourself more now, & hurting him more when he does find out, because these things can't be kept a secret for long-stuff does have a way of getting out when you least expect it!
best wishes on how things turn out. pray for the best, but make sure you express to him the WHY of it all.

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Your daughter needs you right now more than ever and the more you keep her a secret and try to cover up the situtaion the more alienated she is going to feel. I am a little bias because I am bi-polar and had my son at 15. My mother didn't talk to me the whole nine months of my pregnancy. she too was in such denial and blamed her self she didnt tell anyone about my son until he was almost 3 months old. she also threatened suicide a few times. I am now married and expecting my 3rd child and my son is a happy healthy 8 year old boy, and not a day goes by that my mom doesn't apologise for thinking of him as a crisis. It will work out and you have to think of your daughter first, this is NOT about you or what you did. you have no blame here all you control is how you react to it. He will understand and it will be his choice as to whether or not he wants to be involved, not much you can do but be honest.

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Hi L.!

I would explain to your BF about your daughter asap and let him know why you didn't tell him earlier... be completely honest with him. He sounds like a great guy who is very understanding. If for some reason your relationship is ruined over this then it wasn't meant to be... your child is more important than any man. Best of luck to you!!

~M.~

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The best advice I can give on a personal note is for you to sit your BF down and let him know your whole situation. It is best to be open and honest then to keep this inside. As you already stated, it is invading your life to the point where you can't sleep. Like the old saying goes, "If you love something set it free and it comes back its yours, if it doesn't it never was yours to begin with. If your BF is as understanding as you described I am sure he will understand why you kept this a secret so long but you will not feel better until you let it go. Who knows, you may be giving yourself more worry then you need to. But don't hold on to it any longer. This is a good way to see just how open minded he really is. I wish you good luck on what ever you do. I hope it all works out for the best for all of you.

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This is such a common probelm with parents. We all think that our childrens mistakes are caused by us. I myself was that pregnant 16yr old. I would have never made it without my moms help.I finished school and went onto business school. This is your daughter. If your current boyfriend thinks you are a bad mom. Well, you need to say ADIOS! I good man will be there to support your decision and choices. Family always comes first. Of course, this is only MY OPINION. And these wonderful happily married boys: trust me, it is not always greener on the other side. Noboby is perfect! Explain your situation to your boyfriend and I am sure he will be totally understanding and you can finally sleep at night!!. Best of luck. And you will see once this baby is here you won't imagine how much love you will have for it.Good luck with your daughters pregnancy!!

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Sadly, these days it's not always shocking to hear about teen moms. I'm sure your boyfriend will understand. With him being so understanding about you taking care of your separated husband's funeral arrangements and such, I'm sure he'll be just as understanding about your daughter. The only "problem" I might foresee is him wondering why you didn't tell him sooner. Your daughter's pregnancy is not a reflection on you, and I'm sure that you're a great mom. Your daughter may not legally be an adult for another year, but she's still responsible for the decisions she makes.

I think I might approach him and start out by telling him about her bipolar, and what it's been like with a child having bipolar disorder. Explain the things that are likely to happen with someone who has bipolar... and then tell him about her pregnancy. Let him know that you're sorry you didn't tell him sooner, and if he asks why just tell him how you feel. Having a pregnant teenager must be very stressful for you to begin with, and I can only imagine what you've going through. I'm sure it'll be OK. Keep us updated, OK?

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I agree. You should just come out and tell him. If he's as wonderful as you say it won't make a difference. If it doesn't then maybe it wasn't as good as you thought. Honestly, if he thinks poorly of you because of this then he truly isn't the man you thought he was. This was your daughters mistake not yours and if he judges you by the actions of your daughter then he's not worth it. Let him know that you have concerns for both your daughter and her unborn child and that you don't want this to effect your relationship with him. I understand that you feel responsible for your daughter and this child...however, she made the decision to lay down and make this baby, she needs to be responsible for it.

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I THINK IF YOUR GOING TO BE IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, I YOU SHOULD BREAK THE ICE NOW. WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN YOUR GRAND CHILD COMES THEN HIDE THEM IN THE ROOM IT MAKES NO SINCE. LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT, AND IF YOUR JUDGED FOR THAT I THINK QUOTE ON QUOTE THATS NOT GOOD. BUT DON'T BE ASHAME, BECAUSE LESSONS ARE LEARN THROUGH ALL OF THIS. SIT WITH HIM BEFORE SOMETHING ELSE ARISES.

MOTHER 41, TWO GIRLS 24, AND 16. I HAD MY FIRST AT SEVENTEEN, AND MY MOTHER WAS BY MY SIDE WHEN MY AUNT SAID I WOULD BE THIS AND THAT. I PROVED THEM WRONG. I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL, AND WENT TO GET MY BA. I LOVED MY MOM FOR SPEAKING UP FOR ME.

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you should tell him i think that he will be understanding. it's not like you could have done anything to stop her from having sex, after all you can't be with her 24/7 and you did nothing wrong by her getting pregnant, and i think that he will respect you for the fact that you are helping your daughter,as i know that some mothers do nothing to help and are not as understanding as you seem to be. who knows he might even be willing to help you figure out how to go about things with her. i was 19 when i got pregnant, i know its better than being 16. my mother was dissappointed in me and i got the lecture about being pregnant. i lived with my mother up till my daughter was a month old and she was very understanding with it. everyone takes it differently. she wasn't happy about it but she supported me and that meant alot to me as i'm sure it does with your daughter. you shouldn't be ashamed or afraid to tell your boyfriend and if he's as good as you say he is, i think that he will support you in this. hope this helps or at least help you to feel better about the whole situation.

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I say spill the beans it is not your mistake that was made in raising your child. You tried your best,part of Bi-Polar disorder is sexual behavior that your duaghter is displaying at an early age...The only thing I can advise to you is when she has the baby to put her on a form of Birth control that you can monitor because although she will be 18 in a year she will always be your daughter and with this bi-polar disorder being a problem in her life this will also be a concern in the years to come with her and you may need to intervene. Now on your behalf with regards to your bf you should tell him immediately ....
come clean and be honest because if he is as great as you say he is then he will also be equally as understanding to your situation with your daughter. He may even be your rock of support in the months to come when the baby is born.
Your daughter will need you more than ever and I think in turn you will need an outlet of support (HIM). So tell him the truth NOW .

1 mom found this helpful

i would just tell him. if you keep it from him you may lose him. if he loves you, he'll understand

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L.,
It may seem hard but if hes worth it hell xcept everything just fine. It probably is you that has the BIG issue with this so u think he will 2! Also after stressing about it soooo long. . . ur making it more that it is! And u'll feel better! If u dont have honesty n trust, u dont have anything!

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I Can see how all that is overwhelming, but my advice to you is to just be honest. if he really cares about you, which it looks like he does, he wont care. he might be more hurt if you keep hiding it. and you dont want to set the precident that you are at all ashamed of your daughter. mistakes happen. I was 17 and a junior in h.s when i got pregnant w/ my son jeremy. my mother was my savior that whole time. my father on the other hand couldnt really cope w/ the whole thing,but as i expected he was the 1st person in the room right after Jeremy was born. and loves him more then any1 now! but i do think that you BF needs to find out and meet your daughter,if you want them to have a good relationship & you want a stable relationship w/ her and you grand~baby you need to do the right thing early on because , if you stay together w/ him and buy a house chances are your daughter will be w/ you a little longer then her 18th b day, Iam 23 now and married and just looking to finally buy a house and jeremy is a happy wonderful kindergartener.everything will work out in the end. it always does!

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Relationships are based on trust and honesty, tell him the truth and why you were shy about sharing it sooner. It seems based on your request that he is understanding and a wonderful man if that is the case you have nothing to fear, he will see it for what it is. In addition your relationship is still maturing you have been together for 5 months it is still early enough in the relationship for you to continue to be open, we shouldn't share everything about our lives on the first day, you earn each other's trust as time goes by and the relationship develops. You can use this as a starter.

Best of luck

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Relationships should be based on trust and honesty. you should share the truth with him. as for your daughter, don't make the mistake of allowing her to use her disorder as a crutch. what is common for any child is to do what she thinks she can get away with.

Good luck

Hi L.,

Let me start by saying that I myself am a yound mother. I had my son at 19yrs old and that's scary enough. I think that you should explain the situation to him honestly and calmly. I don't want to say anything to offend you or make you feel bad but by you keeping this secret your probably making your daughter feel like your ashamed of her. I completely understand that this is a difficult situation for all parties involved but you have to tell him. I'm not trying to insinuate that your putting your BF before your daughter but men come and go and your children are forever. If he loves you than he love who came out of you nomatter what!! Just sit him down and tell him.

i don't see what the big deal is i think u r the ne with the problem nt u'r daughter