Need Advice on My Relationship with My Dad

What need are you trying to meet? Are you trying to fill a 'grandfather' role for your children? What type of person do you want to fill this place?

It sounds like you have set a particular standard for a grandfather for your children and are trying to squeeze your father into that mold. It also sounds like that isn't working too well for you. Too often we set expectations and want people to become who they "should" be rather than dealing with who they really are. Your dad is who he is for all the reasons that he is. That isn't going to change. As you sit around banging your head against the brick wall of "shoulds", your children will continue to not have a grandfather figure in their lives.

We begin to be free and have choice when we allow others to be who they are. No amount of wishing, waiting, hoping, cajoling, blaming, judging has ever changed a person. See your dad for who he is (flaws and all) then make some choices for you and your family. For example, you could choose to find someone within your community to be grandpa for your kids. You could choose someone that has the qualities you are looking for such as: honest, loving, gentle, dependable, etc.

My parents are very distant from my children. I have chosen my step-mom (who really isn't even my step-mom anymore since she and my dad are divorced now) to be grandma to my children. She is consistent, loving, pays attention to their needs, fun, and willing to spend time (and the money necessary) to be with them.

I have let go of what I wanted my parents to be. I allow them to be who they are and make choices for myself accordingly. Most especially I have found resources to fill the needs that I once expected them to meet. I became really clear with myself that they just didn't have what it took to be the parents/grandparents I needed and wanted. They have always done the best they could. That best just wasn't great for me and my children.

It wasn't easy letting go. I had to grieve the loss of the parents I wanted. I spent a long time being angry and sad and depressed. However, now I am at peace. I have taken responsibility for my own well-being and released my parents from all the "shoulds" I had thrown at them.

Be aware of your beliefs about family. Be curious about those beliefs and question whether they are really working for you or not. For example, some say "blood is thicker than water" and I say "love is thicker than blood." I now have a 'family of choice'. People who support me and my children and are genuinely able to be there for us and accept us being there for them.

I think the most beneficial thing you can do is to get some help dealing with your feelings of abandonment by your dad.
You got a raw deal. Your mom is gone, and the O. parent that IS still alive sounds like he might have some serious issues and possibly some mental health problems as well.
My dad was a raging alcoholic and general not-so-nice guy. That's just a fact of (my) life.
You cannot "make" him do things or "be" a certain way.
He is what he is. Good or bad, right or wrong, etc.
The only difference that can be made is YOUR reaction to him, and how you deal with him.
You say he calls every week. That's a start.
If anything your husband should feel badly for YOU and his kids missing out on knowing dad/grandpa--not be "angered at him" or "have issue" with him. And not to sit him down and set him straight! What will that do besides make him feel better (and your father more distant) for a few minutes!?
As for what you SM calls herself--non-issue.
Look, I understand. My MIL is an idiot and is about as UNinvolved in her grand kids lives as anyone could possibly be. I look at it like it's just her loss. She doesn't "know" any of them!
And now that my son is 8, he has figured it out for himself. My son is SO much closer to my mom, but what else could be expected?
Sooooo....to answer your specific questions:

1) Should I not take it personally, because he doesn't go to visit anyone? No. Obviously, that's just how he is.

2) Have another talk with him? No. I think you've already expressed your desire to have a relationship, and he's calling weekly.

3) My husband would like to have a man to man talk with him Bad idea! I would never allow that!

4) Do I just need to be done with him again? Can you accept it for what it is? Can you make a specific invitation to come, stay and spend some time together?

5) Would you want your kids to call your Dad's wife (that is 17 years younger than him, and someone you've only met once) Grandma? It's probably not that big of a deal. Your kids are very small and I don't think they will really understand O. way or the other. They can know that their grandfather is married to her. Do they remember your mom? That is "grandma" too!

Your question hit home with me. Although are situations are somewhat different, I know what you are going through. My father and mother divorced when I was 6 years old, and they both remarried( to a women who was 22 when they got married-he was 49!) when I was 9( one month apart from each other mind you) . My father remarried again 11 years later to another women. With him, when he is involved, or married, he ignores me and my brothers. He has no time. The last time I visited him was for Christmas. I hadn't had christmas with him since I was 6 years old( I would always have christmas eve/ morning with my mom,and then christmas dinner with my dad-sometimes) . I thought it would be nice. Well, christmas day my poor son woke up at 7am excited. WE all woke up early exept my dad and his wife. They woke around 830, but did not join us til 10 am ! My son wanted to wait for him, and so we did. I was trying to be polite because we were in their house, etc. Finally when they did come out they were like " oh, we didn't know you guys were waiting"..So, by the time my son opened his gifts, he was not very happy anymore. He ended up having an ear infection/fever that night. My father, who is a DOCTOR. Said he had no idea what to do for him. I left that night with my son and husband and brother. That was the last straw for me. My husband was very patient, but he couldn't take my father's neglect anymore. I was heartbroken. To me, my father's relationship with me has always been this open wound, that never seems to heal. It scabs over, but is constantly picked and never goes away. After we got home ( we live in separate states), I recieved an email from my father telling us that we ruined his christmas, and that we weren't invited back til we apologized. I did not reply. 6 months later, he kept calling me asking us to visit, etc. ( like it never happened). It's hard because he has a heart condition, and at times is not in good health. I have a phone relationship with him now, it's been two years since the incident. He is a man that is brilliant in his career, but unable to have meaningful relationships. I have seen him since when I went to visit my Aunt ( they are twins) for the summer with my son. We only had dinner once during the visit, and I stayed with my Aunt with my son. I have vowed that I would never go and stay with him with my son and husband again until he apologized. I will not let my son and husband be treated so poorly, and Iw ill not let my dad ignore his grandson. I love my father so much, but know my limitations now. I have accepted that he will not change, and our relationship will never be what I want it to be. The only thing that I feel badly about is that my son will not have a relationship with my father. A meaningful one anyways. I can only pray that maybe sometime he will come around, but you just have to accept him for what is, and go on with your life.

You don't have a "relationship" with your father. He seems to have issues that have nothing to do with you. If he doesn't see his OWN family, then you can't take it personally that he doesn't come to see you. He sounds difficult and may have a problem with what is reality. The best you can do is maybe forgive him for his shortcomings (and it sounds like there are many) and simply not expect anything from him. You may also want to get a little therapy if that' possible so you understand what has happened over the years to shape who you are - do this for yourself - you'll feel so much better. I wouldn't persue a relationship with him since it seems he doesn't really want a close one with you. It's his loss.
Can you find a nice Grandmother or Grandfather type who lives near you who will be your childrens' honorary Grandparents? You'd be amazed how many older people have extra love they're just dying to give to someone (not everyone is blessed with Grandchildren). Best of luck to you and PLEASE remember that his actions have nothing to do with YOU. They are his issues.

Dont know what it is with dead beat dads..lol. My parents divorced when I was 5 and he was never there for my sister or me. He remarried with three sons. He never came to our graduations. I thought I would forgive him for past and asked him to walk me down aisle when I got married..he said he couldn't ..had to help pay for his STEP daughters cheer camp. He has never gone out of his way for his 4 grand kids (my sister's and mine combined). I wrote him very long letter and he still hasn't changed. I don't hear from him unless I call. His son, my half brother, lived close to me for about a year and my dad was always down here at the drop of a hat to rescue him. Many times when coming down here to rescue his son he wouldn't even call or come see my sister or I. My advice for you and me both is to cut your losses...he will never change no matter what you say or do..no need in stressing yourself out anymore over him. It is his loss..you tried. Go to local nursing homes they have some things where you can adopt a grandpa there...take your kids there to talk with some older man that needs a kid to look up to him and show him love. Good luck and don't blame yourself.

#1 - the only person that you can control in this situation is yourself.

I would tell them that his wife can be called Nana (or something like that) because you don't want to confuse the children. Hubby's mom is Grandma and that's it. Period. No wiggle room on that.

As far as his relationship with you and your kids, it's very sad, but those are the choices that he is making. I would call or write to him and tell him that his grandkids don't even know who he is and if he ever wants a relationship with them while he is still alive on this Earth, then the time is NOW! Some people are just too lazy or self centered to maintain distant family relationships. He will regret this one day. Just make sure to let him know that the door is always open and you miss him. That's all you can do. Don't take it personally, don't shut him out, just move on with your life and if he shows, he shows and if not, then it's his loss.

I just want to quickly say that you are not alone. I too have a relationship like yours with my Dad and it sucks. My DD is 18 months and he has never met her and NEVER will. He made a poor choice when she was born to be an A$$ and I now have to do everything in my power to make sure that he never hurts her the way he hurt me. My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 7 and my Dad has met my husband 2 times. Thats sad. Im not going to tell you what to do but at some point you need to realize that at his age he is pretty set in his ways and is probably never going to live up to your expectations and if given the chance he will most likely disappoint you and your family over and over again. The way I see it, just because he is your 'Dad' does not make him your 'Father', if that makes sense
Good Luck and I hope you get out of him what you are looking for =)

1) do not take it personally, he is a man, views things differently. You don't know his past, as a child. He may have issues. He may feel that he doesn't know how to love, or how to 'make a comeback' after all these years. He may feel just as uncomfortable as you do.
2) The only talk I would have is the next time you talk to him and are talking about the kids, say to him, "it would mean a lot to me if you would come and visit my children". Can you not go visit him? Take a family vacation his way? don't stay with him, visit him but do other site seeing things.
3) Your husband needs to stay out of it. no 'man to man' needed. Your father is the elder and your husband needs to respect that. Neither of you know the deep rooted reason for his actions and it is NOT your husband's place. I have family issues as well but my husband listens to me, gives subtle advice to make ME feel better, not to make my family stay in check. it is not his business and will only cause more problems. He is there for YOU, not to solve your families' issues.
4) You do not be done with him again, you take his calls, except the cards, tell your kids about grandpa, but that he lives really far away. That is all you need to do, kids are resilient and will be fine. You need to keep in mind, this is all they know, they are not sad about it, you are. Time will take care of this, either that he is around more, or that you don't care as much. My "mother' if you can believe it, acts this way. It was very h*** o* me at first but I finally realized, it is best for the children to let her see them when she chooses, not when I force her. it is best for the children to just be ok with the fact that they only see their grandma (my husband's mom) and their grandpa (my dad-divorced and remarried).
5) They do not need to call her grandma, but if they do, is it really that bad? My step mother's name is Jo and my kids call her Jo Jo. They don't know any different. They call my dad, her husband, grandpa. There has never been a question. I think you are worrying about things that may not even be a matter. I understand b/c I did it for years, but finally am ok with whatever God brings to this family. I don't want a relationship with my mother, but my kids love her so 'when' they see her, they enjoy it. Otherwise, life happens and they will have far more sadness and stress in theif life then what a grandma or grandpa give them by being uninvolved. Sometimes it is better that they dont' see them more.

Keep your husband out of it. he has no right to tell you or this man how he should act. I dont' understand why he cares so much except if it is bc he loves you. Either way, he needs to sit back and let things fall how they may. You could resent him some day if your father passes or your father may resent him, etc It is just not his place.
I agree with Tiffany S 100%, that is my situation almost exactly, it truly is something that you have to give up. People are not the way you want them to be and they surely will not fit into your mold. I am sorry, but it is true and as soon as you are ok with it, you will feel better.

I'll deal with #5 first since it's easiest. You decide what you want your kids to call your dad's wife. Start to refer to her that way and tell them to address her that way. You do not have to explain it to anyone. Just say we consider this the most appropriate way to address her.
#1 - 4. The only person you can change is yourself. Don't waste time being upset and angry with your dad. He is who he is. No amount of badgering or heart to heart is going to change him. He's comfortable with periodic phone calls and that's all the effort he's going to make. You need to change how you view the situation so you can be happy. Count your blessings that you have a wonderful MIL who loves your kids.
I don't call my mom and dad by those titles because they don't deserve to be called that. I call my in-laws Mom and Dad because in my heart that's who they are to me.

My dad is similar to yours and I used to get upset about it and try to fix things, but over time I learned that he is NEVER going to change. What you have to do is have zero expectations for him. That way he cannot let you down. Do not take it personally, but yet let yourself grieve for the father you wish you had and will never have. I think you and your husband can talk to him all you want but it will likely not change your dad at all. I'm sorry to tell you that but I believe it is true.

You need to talk to him! Tell him that you can not fix the past. The past is the past. What you can do is move forward. Be a grandfather to your children. If he can't do that, then you are not going to have your children be hurt, like you .
I had the similar issue as you. My father has been just that. A grandfather to my children. They love him very much, he is grandpa to them. It at times still hurts that I was not loved like a daughter, but then I think of my children and their happiness, I get over it. :-)
Good luck. PM me if you want to ask anymore questions.