Need Advice on How to Handle Luke Warm Friend

You could be describing my best friend of the past 25 years. She lives a couple hours away from me and the last few years our relationship has definitely gone downhill. For weeks or months at a time she won't return phone calls or emails, then suddenly she'll start up again. What most people don't know is that she's battling severe depression and other emotional issues which has gone as far as her needing to be hospitalized on several occasions. Despite being her best friend even I know very little about her situation and never even know she's been in the hospital until sometimes weeks after she's gotten out. I have begged and pleaded for her to talk to me and have let her know numerous times I'm here for her, but she chooses to go through those desperate times alone. I have even gone as far as telling her if our lives had just reached the point where we had grown apart from each other that I was O.K. with that and we could go our separate ways with no hard feelings, but she went off the deep end! I didn't understand why she would never talk to her best friend and yet still socialized with others. She finally explained to me (and her daughter did as well) that she shuts out those closest to her because it's easier to hide what she's going through from her more casual friends than it is from those who know her best. I've finally learned to accept that our friendship is never going to be a conventional one and that she isn't always going to be there for me when I want her to because of her condition. She will still always be my best friend, but I have had to get other good friends to fill the gap and it's working well. It's not easy, and I miss my friend dearly, but I have learned to savor the moments we do have together and be satisfied with that.

Tara, She may have things going on that you know nothing about. Being a friend doesn't mean she has to jump each time you feel like calling. If you want to see her if she doesn't call you back assume she is busy or doesn't have time. And then don't call her again till she calls you. Maybe she doesn't feel the same "calling" to be a friend that you do. Your idea of being a friend and hers may be different.

Tara, this is kind of how I think of it. It takes two people to be friends. I personally have no problem initiating a friedship, but if I invite someone to get together, I would expect them to invite me the next time. If they do not, then I assume they have a good reason (they did not enjoy spending time with me, or they are busy and it has nothing to do with me). However, if they do call (even if it's months later) I am not judgemental or upset, and I am usually happy to get together with them.

I would make sure to always be there for her as a friend, but you don't have to always be the one to initiate contact. You can put it in her court by just saying "I'd like to talk or get together, just let me know when you are free." That way she knows you are there for her but she also needs to participate in the friendship. If she does not contact you, then maybe you are not compatable friends.

Maybe it just isn't her style. Being a friend also means not imposing my agenda on my loved ones. I have several close friends who, for whatever reason - busy-ness (yeah, I know, EVERYONE is busy), flakiness, just not being touchy-feely - drop off my radar once in a while. I try to reciprocate with the same consideration.

I will speak from personal experience that I occasionally take months to return an email. Being a SAHM of a special-needs child often takes every last ounce of unconditional love - and energy - that I can muster. I also have zero discretionary funds; therefore, I can't initiate many social engagements around money. I'm not saying that's your friend's deal, but I say this to illustrate that it likely has nothing to do with her taking advantage. If any of my friends or family would dare suggest that as my motive for not always returning communication, I'd lose their number altogether.

Dear Tara,

I think the problem might be that the two of you are looking for differing levels of friendship. Others are right---you never know for sure what is going on in someone else's life. It could be many different things or a combination: she could be much busier; she may not desire or need the level of friendship that you are looking for; she may have a different way of coping with her stress (some women need to "talk" through their problems, and other women turn more inward, etc.) Each person is different. And, since you can only control your end of the relationship, my humble advice is to recognize that difference for simply what it is, and nothing against you, and be proactive about choosing to take the necessary steps to find that friend who needs the same level of friendship that you do.

I have found, in my 38 years, that good friendships tend to just "click" and seem right from the get-go. The friendships that take a lot of work and always have you guessing are the ones that you have to take a step back and ask yourself if it is one-sided and something you shouldn't push. Women are relational by nature, so it would be my guess that she is getting that void filled somewhere---maybe a close relationship with her M., or with her husband, or maybe a good friend that you aren't aware of? What I have found to be true is that when we find that friend that fills that void, we know it. So, I would say to just gladly accept the level of friendship that she has the time and capacity to offer you and look elsewhere to fill the void for that deeper level of friendship that you desire. God bless you...

Tara-
I don't think that anyone else has said this, so I'm going to. There are so many different reasons that people (women as well as men) isolate. Depression is one of them.But it isn't ALWAYS the case.
I guess my question is, have you taken a good long look at YOU yet? I don't mean that to sound mean, because sometimes we do things that we dont realise we're doing.
I could be that friend you describe. Sometimes, (in a bout of depression) I get tired of saying the same old thing over and over- Mainly because I feel powerless to change the situation, or I'm tired of getting "well meaning" advice from someone who has not been there. Other times, I have called certain friends, needing to talk, but they don't give you the chance because they interrupt, blabbing all about them, or fishing for the latest gossip, etc. I get it when someone NEEDS to talk- if there is a crisis, or something, but friendship is a two way street. Sometimes we need our space, sometimes we need to talk without someone spouting advice. Just a thought. Look inside and see, honestly, if any of the above apply to you. If not, ASK her what's up the next time you talk.
Good luck!

She may be in an abusive relationship and she's hiding.

People have really busy lives...it does not mean they do not want to be your friend...For example, I take my son to OT, PT, and ST every week! A lot of people do not know that about my son. I have not even told my close friends. Something like that might be going on in your friend's life. Add to that running errands- tot classes- grocery shopping- house cleaning ect. It can get really crazy. I have a friend who wants to get together for a playdate every week and it can get really hard. Instead, I signed up for a tot class with her. It will get better in the summer when you are all out doors and you see your neighbor more. Also, sometimes- after all the crazy running around, personally, I just want to be alone with my son- and just have quiet time to play. (Maybe I am crazy). I have found that the best way to connect with people is through scheduled activities, meetup.com, and tot classes- I find that other people are just as busy as me- although, it doesn't mean we can't make friendships in that capacity. My husband also works 60 plus hours a week so a lot falls on me- and when he is home, I just want to be with him.

Hi Tara,
To me, being a friend means just being there for someone. Without judgement.

Some people are just not good communicators. I have some friends who are hard to get to communicate back and I just have to realize that's the level of friendship they are capable of. Your definition of a friend may not be hers, and you can't ask that of her.

That being said, I'll get busy and forget to return calls.

If I were you I'd ask your friend what's the best way of getting ahold of her. I have some friends who texting is the best way, others email, others phone. If she says texting, make that your communication line and text her when you need to get ahold of her. If your calling, emailing, texting etc. she may feel overwhelmed by you. Then let her know that when you text her (or whatever) you would really appreciate a quick message to say she got your text.

If she is still "lukewarm" maybe that's her feeling toward you. I guess you just have to accept people the way they are!

Tara,

I know how you feel. I had a friend who was like that too. There had been times when she woulnd't talk to me for months eventhough we live close by and our kids go to the same school.

So I finally decided to walk away from this "friendship" and find myself some other friends in my life.

Maybe you just need to let her go. Believe me, it is better that way.

Hi Tara,

I agree with the other posts...if you have to put this much thought and effort in to being friends, you might want to rethink the relationship...you're either on the same page or you're not - I'd go about my days and stop trying to figure it out - it's nice you care so much, but if it isn't a strong relationship on it's own you can't make it one.

Good luck!

You can't dictate what it means to be a friend. Those that you call friend are those that fill a need the way you need it. If she is a private person, then you shouldn't expect her to share her bad news....it could be embarrassing to her and maybe she doesn't feel you two are all that close. Maybe she feels you are friends on a casual level. I have a few close friends that live outside of state, but none that live near me. I am friendly with my neighbors and do things with them from time to time, but I don't feel we are that close.

I'm the type that believes my husband is my best friend and then probably my M. and an aunt.

It's a weird thing and maybe you need more than she does???? Just give her the space and enjoy your friend the way it is.

Hi Tara,

I was in the same situation. We moved here 2 years ago and this particular neighbor has 2 girl like I do. We met every week for a while, but I saw that she wouldn't be available to have playdates after that very often. I thought she was upset, but then after weeks she would call me to see if we can have a playdate. Even though I found other friends I always try to say yes if I can. But she is like a luke warm friend only. So I realized you can't be close friends with somebody who doesn't want that. If she had enough signs that you would like to be her friend, just let her go. This might be her answer to you. Maybe she doesn't want to be a close friend to you. Don't take it personally. I try not to. Look for friends somewhere else and you will find them. I did.

I agree with everyone too.

My absolute best friend in the world is like that. I know that about her, & I have been guilty of the same thing.

There have been times we don't speak in over a month or two....or she doesn't return emails. But i know that when she is not busy, or being 'alone' she always comes around & things are as if we talked everyday.......we just catch up.

I will admit that it is hard sometimes when you don't hear back from the person......you can't help but wonder if you said or did something LOL
In my case, we have been friends for 12 years (used to be roomates), so I know its my own self consciousness

i wouldn't write her off

D.~
SAHM to g/b twins(6) & a little girl (3.5)

Hi Tara

Well..the first thing I thought of when I read your request was.."why do you feel a calling to be her friend?" If you want to be her friend, then I would be honest with her about your feelings. Tell her how it makes you feel when you don't hear from her. Maybe start out by saying how much you enjoy her friendship and that she is important to you..and then explain how you feel when she starts to "fizzle out."Make sure that she knows you want to be her friend and that you value her friendship so when she doesn't call,etc. it makes you wonder how she views your friendship. It is perfectly ok to be honest with her in a positive way. I hope this helps. I know how frustrating this can be! Take care.
B.

There are different kinds of friendships. She may be communicating by not saying anything--by not answering, now is not a good time. Everybody doesn't like to share, even if you prefer to share your feelings. If this bothers you too much, she may not be the right kind of friend for you. On the other hand, she may be the one who sticks with you through thick and thin.

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Is she battling something bigger than she has let you in on? Does she feel like she has to handle too much on her own? Perhaps she is finding it easier to cocoon than deal with real life. If she is important to you, talk to her and find out what she is willing to offer, you might find out she needs someone to offer her more. Here is an example: I work nights(alot people assume I don't work because I am there during the day when my kids or others need), I have 3 kids, a developmental delay child, one with food intolerances, and a 1 year old. I attend college full time online, a room M. and I have to keep the house quiet from 7am to 1pm so my husband can sleep, he starts work Tuesdays in the afternoon and with exception of 6-2pm until Sunday 6am. He is not home. So I am a single M.. My Dad has Cancer, my M. other medical issues and they live close so I am the caretaker. I wake exhausted, live exhausted so when friends call, those who do know my schedule understand when I don't answer the phone, those who don't either haven't asked or assume what is going on.

Winter is often a time when a lot of people seem to hibernate indoors and wait out the weather for the fresh air of spring to come and rejuvinate them. Also, a lot of people deal with up and down swings on their social behavior. I know I go through a lot of points over the course of the year where I realize that I've overextended myself socially and am overwhelmed in other areas too. Often it's the social stuff that's easier to draw back from while I get the rest sorted back out. That may be what your friend does as well. If she feels as much for your friendship as you do, then she is not pushing you away intentionally, but needs a breather - possibly from a lot of other aspects of her life too.

You seem to be asking for a way to remind her that you are still around, so she knows you are there for her. Perhaps just drop a card in the mail or stop by with some cookies or something - something small, but out of the ordinary to re-break the ice...

I agree with everything that Sheri S. said. What I want to know is why do you need to validated? Is there something in your life you are missing? I have different friends and different types of friendships with all of them. Some married, some not who have children and they are busy in their own way. I don't hear from my friends all the time and respect that they have many other things going on in their lives that have nothing to do with me. Maybe she's busy and doesn't have the time to pick up the phone to call. You need to respect her privacy. When she's ready to call, be there for her.