Forgive or Forget and Move On?

Sure, you can forgive her. No need to hold a grudge, but, heres the GREAT thing, you have the choice whether you want to waste anymore time on her, which personally, I wouldnt....

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i suppose my perspective is not helpful since i'm in my 50s and way past this degree of passive aggressive manipulative immaturity in my friendships. i'd have no time for even a casual friendship with someone this pathetic let alone a close one.
life's too friggin' short.
khairete
S.

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Momma:

I'm sorry - are you in middle school again? This is like "I can't be your friend because I was friends with her first". STOP. Really. Stop.

Drop Katie. She's passive/aggressive and all she seems to do is create drama. She can't even respect your husband telling her to STOP texting him at work.

Katie is one of those people who, from what you have described, needs to be the ONLY "best friend" - you know those people who think you can only have ONE TRUE BEST FRIEND? Yeah. her. Well, I'm in the band that says you can have more than one best friend.

You really have answered your own question. You cannot trust her anymore. Have lunch with her and tell her that you have decided to end the friendship - yes - break up with her - and tell her the truth - you don't trust her any more....if you can't do that - then write her a letter and tell her you are 'breaking up' with her and why. Move on. You deserve better in your life.

It's one thing to "joke" about having plans with someone else. It's entirely different to have a "hissy fit" and involve a spouse because she's taking a back seat to Jen...urgh...I thought we were adults!!! I'm sorry...move on...learn from this as well...look for the warning signs...you know them now...

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Katie does not respect you, your husband or his work.
She attempts passive aggressive manipulation and she is not your friend.
Friendship should not have to be such hard work.
Tell her you'll have fond memories of her and you wish her the best of luck in the future but the friendship has run it's course and it's over now.
This one I'd even delete off my Christmas card list as even contact once a year would be too much of a risk.
By ending it now, you are setting both yourself and her free to seek other better suited friends/relationships.
You'll be doing everyone a favor every which way around.

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No, I would not get sucked into her drama any longer. This all sounds very elementary and middle-schoolish - like when Susie says she will only be your friend if you don't play with Harriet. Unless Jen slept with her husband or something, I'm not sure what Katie's real problem is, but she's really not acting like a grown-up at all. She sounds immature and insecure and it's not your job to make her feel better about herself. A real friend would not dictate how to spend your time with other friends. And they certainly would not get your husband involved and text him at work about what is going on - good grief! Friends are there to make your life less stressful, not add to it! Time to drop Katie like a hot potato for good!

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She's too needy and clearly needs to be your #1 or only friend. I would move on. I'm too old to deal with this kind of drama. I have two teenagers and they don't have that level of drama with their friends. Why does she even have your husband's cell number anyway?

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How old is Katie? She seems very immature. Right down to continually texting your husband after he said to her to call you, he was at work. If (not that I could imagin texting one of my friend's husband except because of an emergency) I texted my friend's husband and he was short w me and said he was at work, I would be so embarrassed! From your description she does not have a husband, does she have kids? If you are one of her only friends than she has nothing else to do but worry about what you are doing. Sad really. Let's face it as moms and wives we have more things to worry about. If you want to end your friendship, stop calling. If you don't want to be harsh, use husband, kids, or errands as excuses.

Some friends are easy to be friends with and some friends you have to work at staying friends with. Friends that are easy to be friend's with are the best kind! :)

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This friend, Katie, is immature! End the friendship. It is only hurting YOU. Surround yourself with positive people who make you feel uplifted. Life is too short for having to put up with Katie's drama!

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No let it go!! She isn't a friend, she sounds very immature and needy. High School stuff and too much drama for me!!! Her biggest mistake to me is involving your husband. Sounds like she has some things SHE needs to workout. You can forgive her, but I would still back out of this relationship.

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You are 3 weeks in...consider this your 'breakup' and move on. Not sure how you have dealt with this woman for THIS long. At the first sign of this level of shenanigans she would have been crossed off my list forever. This woman will never change and I can guarantee you that if you make nice again with her she will do it again. Grown ups are OK with their friends having other friends. Katie is not a grown up.

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I think if I were you, I'd just communicate with her one last time and say something like this: Katie, we've been friends for a long time. But this jealousy over my friendship with Jen has to stop. It's been going on too long, and I will not deal with it anymore. I am not going to defend myself every time you get upset that I spend time with her. You are going to have to come to terms with it if you want us to continue to be friends. Furthermore, it is completely inappropriate for you to contact my husband in any way when you have an issue with me. ESPECIALLY at work and especially since we have both asked you not to, repeatedly. Both you and Jen are important to me, and I am sorry that you don't get along. But if you put me in a position where I have to choose between the two of you, I will choose the person who didn't make me choose.

I'd be prepared to end the friendship but put the ball in her court one last time. If this has been a behavior that you have tolerated for 10+ years, I'd give her one last chance to change after you've made it crystal clear that you've had enough.

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What is this, high school? If Katie can't handle you having other friends, she needs to go away and not handle that on her own. You are not on this earth to hold her hand. She needs to grow up. And she needs to stop involving your husband. Let her stew in her own juices. And YOU stop feeling guilty. You've done nothing wrong. You've acted like a completely reasonable adult. She's still a child. Let her go.

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Jeez, how old are you guys? Looks like your friend has some growing up to do... personally, I would end it with the drama queen and stop feeding into it...

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I have a best friend that I have had for the past 10 years. We have NEVER had an argument, much less a blowout argument.
To me...it sounds like you are in highschool. A 'real' friend wouldn't have blow out fights, be jealous, or text your HUSBAND to ask if you are mad or not. Ridiculous.
Laura

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Time to cut the cord. Any time you have this much turmoil in a relationship that does not change a change has to be made. If it onesided it is also a bad sign that she is a taker and not a giver. Distance yourself from her. If she should contact as she will in a month or so you will have to tell her that the relationship has come to an end or it is tine to part (your words) and that it would be best if she found others to be with.

What's that saying about doing the same thing expecting a change doesn't work.

Good luck to you.

The fact that she did get hubby involved would have had me on her doorstep and the friendship ended on a not so pleasant note.

The other S.

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These things should not be done through texting. Texting lacks nuance and can cause misunderstandings.

Either call her or meet with her face-to-face and solve the problem.

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From what you've said, it's time to let her go. You're a considerate wife and friend -- and you deserve that consideration from others.

Good luck!

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Frankly, I don't think you need to be friends with her......

She seems to be very jealous of time you spend with others.

She doesn't know how to take "no" for an answer, as is evident when she kept contacting your husband when he asked her/told her to stop texting him.

Just tell her that since your friendship with Jen seems to cause problems between the two of you, and she isn't willing to respect the fact that you have OTHER friends, that a friendship with her doesn't seem to be working out. Your history with Jen seems to be much better than with her.

You've tried the 'forgive and forget' several times already, it seems, and hasn't worked.

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I don't have enough information about Jen from your post, but I'm reacting strongly to Katie. This sounds like something from junior high school. If what you say is correct, this woman wants to be the boss of your life, tell you what to do and what friends to have, and have your husband working on her behalf. Isn't that what's called a toxic friendship?

If you've tried to express your feelings to this woman about what she has been doing, and she hasn't listened, she isn't going to listen now. But as long as you give her half a chance, you can be sure she will keep controlling you.

I suggest that you get busy. Really, really busy. Do things and go places with your husband and your children; get involved in new groups; start writing a play or growing a garden (well, maybe start learning about gardening this time of year). Develop new interests. Make some new friends. Check the caller ID whenever your phone rings, and don't answer Katie's calls, even if she calls repeatedly, unless YOU choose to. If you do have to talk with her, talk in a friendly way but make the conversation short and impersonal. Your response to any attack or comment (or "I don't understand!" statement) about your other friend or anyone else should ALWAYS be, "I don't talk about friends any more. Have to go now - 'bye!" Be too busy for her. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated even one more time. Distance yourself and stay distant.

Yes, you can and should forgive Katie - that is, don't harbor bad feelings about her - because she may not know any better. But that doesn't mean you have to stay bosom buddies.

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OKAY i had to give up, sorry. i got about 1/2 way through though. it sounds to me like a bunch of childish drama and "katie" is acting like a spoiled child. why are you friends with her, again?

since you asked, NO i wouldn't lay down like a freakin doormat and "forgive and forget". she doesn't respect you, or your husband. she's a petulant child and ESPECIALLY if this is her "norm"- i'd be so past done.

i don't see one reason why i would want to hang out with this person.

ETA- momma, just one more note. if it's been three weeks that you haven't spoken to her, no, i don't see any reason to contact her, to "break up" or for any other reason. you don't owe her an explanation. IF she does contact you again, i might toss her a bone and say, "you don't act like an adult or a friend. so no, we are not friends. sorry. bye." or something similar. but don't chase her down and contact HER just to tell her you're done. three weeks is plenty of time for her to get that message, and you don't owe her anything more. good luck honey, i'm sorry she did this. but really. you are a grownup too, and you are perfectly capable of ensuring that only positive people are influencing your life and your childrens' lives. good luck!

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Um, are you guys in high school?

She sounds a lot like another friend I had, with the same name!! How can you even call this person a friend? She sounds like a catty, manipulative, game playing, immature, jealous, toxic person. Friends should be understanding, mature, supportive, positive and bring happiness to your life. When you get the point of cringing when she calls or texts, or it's more stressful than fun, it's time to move on... FOR GOOD! I would tell you to try to work it out, but it sounds like she has a lot of work to do on herself, and that she probably wouldn't change just for you.

Remind me again, why you're still allowing this drama queen to be in your life, exactly? Because I really don't understand!! Cut it off, let it go, and move on towards more positive relationships.

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Instead of being angry, take a break from being angry. Instead, logically dissect what she did, MH.

She has so far been unable to get you to choose her over Jen. You didn't mention if Jen gives you static over being friends with Katie, and you haven't detailed whether most of the problem between them is mostly due to Katie, but it wouldn't surprise me if that were true, given your description.

Your admission that you were going to the movie with Jen was probably her tipping point. To be honest, it would have been better if you hadn't, because she probably sees this as being thrown into her face. (And I don't blame her for that, regardless of who is the problem between those two...) I would have either suggested a different movie, or gone along with seeing the movie with her and then seeing it again with Jen, without telling either one of them that you were going with the other. You really should have decided long ago that you weren't going to play Katie's game - she probably asks questions of you in order to figure out when and if you are seeing Jen, whether you realize it or not.

However, you have been above board in your admission of who you are seeing, and this time Katie saw red. So she pretended that she couldn't get ahold of you and tried to use your husband. YOU know she is making it up. However, this is the next level up of games she has already been playing with you, MH. You can't "prove" that she didn't call, but you know it. She expects that you'll roll over again and allow her to pretend, even though she pushed the envelope to try to get your husband to divulge information about you. He's one smart cookie - he doesn't play her game.

It has been 3 weeks now because she knows she screwed up. You have finally called her on her behavior.

As to your question, to be perfectly honest, whether or not to contact her again would depend on the answer to my earlier question - is KATIE the problem between her and Jen, or has Jen wronged Katie so much that this is the reason for the mutual dislike? You and Katie have already had arguments about Jen. You didn't detail why. If Jen has wronged Katie, then I would give Katie another chance. However, that chance would be with STRINGS attached. I would tell her that from now on, you two are not going to utter Jen's name. No more questions, no more digging, no more pushing you about your plans or associations. You have had enough. If that doesn't sit well with her, than you should be done.

If Katie has been the problem between her and Jen, then I would not contact her again. When you see her in public, acknowledge her with small talk as if you would with anyone else, but you should really let go of this kind of friendship that she is used to with you. She may be "real enough" to tell you that she is sorry. That would be nice.

I kind of wonder if perhaps the real reason Katie has "kept you" as a friend is because she feels that she is screwing Jen over by making Jen share you with her. Only YOU know if that is a possibility.

The reason I wonder this, is that a REAL friend doesn't play these kinds of games. A real friend understands that they don't get to have their cake and eat it too. If she really cannot stand Jen, so much that she cannot bear to be your friend, knowing that you and Jen see each other, then she should have stepped away. If Jen is an awful sort and has abused Katie in the past, stalked her, treated her terribly, and if Katie doesn't want any of her life shared with Jen, then she could have been honest with you and told her that she likes you and all, but can't deal with the issue of Jen. I know that there are some friends of mine who like people I don't care for. We pretty much leave it at that, and don't talk about it. Maybe that's why I don't "get" that you two talk about your plans with Jen, MH. I find that a bit odd.

Back to your question, yeah, it's okay to forgive. But that doesn't mean that you allow any more of this. If you choose to continue your association with her, both of you need to change. Make Jen a forbidden subject, period.

Good luck,
D.

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For something of this nature, a mature adult and true friend would have approached you directly, and not involved your husband. Bottom line. I find that infantile and a major lack of boundaries. Given the history of your friendship, it sounds as if the relationship is more draining than it is meaningful. If that is, indeed, correct, than I'd find a sensitive way to begin distancing yourself. She needs to learn how to have healthy relationships, not ones based on unfounded jealousy and competition, and where she is the only giver. When a friendship continues to feel one-sided, like the this one, it means it probably is! Good luck!

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There is a big difference in 'friend' and what Katie is. She is not a friend. She just wants to control you all the time and you have her and nobody else, maybe later she will decide you shouldn't have your husband too. Move on nicely but move on. I can't believe she is texting your husband who asked to stop doing it.

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I wouldn't continue this relationship with her. She is controlling, insecure and needy. You'll never win and you'll continue to have problems. You've done nothing wrong and she needs to stop treating you like you did. And she needs to stop dragging your husband into this. She's trying to turn him against you which is even worse than her being jealous. You can forgive her and move on but don't include her in your "moving on." Be done with her. You did nothing wrong and owe her no apologies. Good luck!

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I wouldn't text her back, and just leave it at that. I have no time in my life for people who bring negativity and drama to me. Neither should you.

Life is to short to have to bend to someone who is incapable of understanding and unwilling to share. It causes pain, frustration, and hurt feelings. She needs to grow up. So, you not texting or giving in, is in and of itself a reply to her, and that you are no longer going to stand it.

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Email her and tell her you've had 3 weeks to think this thru and that you have decided to remove all negative people and things from your life and you feel like your "friendship" falls into this catagory. You wish the best for her but feel its better to not hang out any more. Buh By. Done. Life is too short to spend it being unhappy. Time to move on. Good luck.

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I am sorry but your "friend" has never grown up..

I think playing into her drama is totally the wrong thing to do. Your husband needs to block her number so he does not get pulled into this anymore and worse in trouble for this going on at work..

And then you need to decide if this person adds or takes from your life and your time.

If she is worth your time, then let her know when you will be able to spend time with her, when she can go to your home and hang out...

If not you need to be honest that at this time, you REALLY are busy with your child, your work and other families that have children and are focusing on your families.

This is the way it goes many times when we become parents.

We have a very little spare time, so combining our children's play dates and activities with other families that are going through the same things, is just what fits into our lives at that time..

This is not being mean or ignoring others, it is what we can handle. Some people take more than they give. A true friend would understand your priorities and would help make your life easier, not cause extra drama.. The problem here is that this person is immature and does not understand this.

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Your husband should block her from his phone/email etc. Yes forgive her and yes end the relationship....it's no longer a friendship and it is time for you to move on. Let her know that you no longer consider her a friend and then block her from your email and phone as well.

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Obviously your decision is your's. But it seems it's time to let her go. It seems every time she feels threatened that she will lose you she apologizes and wants everything to be close again. She is obviously looking for love and feels you're her anchor when men aren't around to give her the love she needs. Sounds like she needs serious therapy. She is going round and round the merry-go-around of bad decisions and if she's not careful will find herself old and still making the same choices and feeling bad and confused and still expecting you to be there for her on her terms. -Contacting your husband at work shows at which lengths she'll go concerning something so small. What is she, 15?

She is interfering with your life, is this worth it? Maybe it is. Maybe she needs you and you can help and be there for her, and you choose to be, if so, then everyone needs to become a little more balanced within this relationship. Nevertheless, she is creating problems and trouble simply due to her own problems, inmaturity. She has to work on herself regardless of her friendship with you. Is she good example for your children to be around? Ya gotta ask yourself this, even if they don't see her much, they are affected because you are affected.

And why can't your two friends just accept each other. Why is Kate so jealous? This is inmature to begin with. They need to examine their selves about this. They have you in common so they must have some qualities that are in harmony with each other. Maybe they're too much alike. I've known people like that -- they can't stand each other yet they're so much alike.

I've had close friends and known for years that did not like each other. For the most part they would tolerate each other and we weren't often all together at one time. But when they would say something about the other friend to me, I would not answer their negative but would find something positive to say about the friend they were being negative about. They soon got the picture that I did not tolerate such. One particular friend kept trying to say things in an underhanded way about the other and I'd ignore her, I wouldn't bite no matter how many times she'd put out the bait. She'd sometimes ask me, "why are you friends with her?" I'd say something like, "because we've known each a long time and she's been a friend to me, she cares about me and I care about her." Gradually she stopped.

If I had blow-out fights with someone as much as you have with her, that would be a good indicator to let go. I've only had one fight with one friend over many years time. It's not a good thing to propogate. I know you're not always going to agree, but big fights are something else. Ya gotta ask yourself what your friendship is based on, what preputates it, what keeps it alive.

This person has troubles and problems and needs help. But it seems she doesn't really know this and it seems she expects you to put up with whatever till you've had enough, and then tries to correct it. She got your attention didn't she, that's what she's after. - If it were me, (and I know it's not) I'd pray about it and then give it up to God and wait for an answer. But I'm going with the answer that it may be time to let her go now and if you do, do it in peace and love and hand her over to her own soul's growth.

The best to you - I know it's not easy - Peace

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I'm with you--I would have been livid at the moment she tried dragging my husband into her passive-aggressive games.

Sounds like you have done a valiant attempt at balancing the friendships--too bad she's not as mature.

Personally, for me, it would be the end of my friendship with Katie. I would just let it fizzle and not respond in the future. And be done.

I had a very similar situation and I finally ended the friendship. It was nothing but drama and a hassle and I defended her behavior and attitudes for FAR too long. I feel 50 pounds lighter--no dieting! LOL Lighten your load!

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This Katie is not a friend! A friend wouldn't mind you spending time with your other friends, regardless of her feelings toward them. She seems to only want to be your 'friend' when it benefits her. I'd be done with her.

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The girl has too much time on her hands. I would ignore her until she makes the next move, which sounds like it should be an apology. Who has time for this stuff?

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Stop texting. That's no way to carry on conversations.

You're justified in being annoyed. The only way to fix things is to sit with her face to face. Let her know that it's not a competition between her and your other friend. You don't like being put in the middle and you're angry because you feel as if she put your husband in the middle.

But you have to TALK to her. Something is bothering her and she needs to be able to let you know. I wouldn't just toss ten years of friendship out the window like some are suggesting. You've been friends for so long for a reason... so honor that for a while and see if there's something more going on.

If you have to pencil in which weekends you see which friends, then do that if you want to keep both friends. If you think they can tolerate each other or learn to like each other, try getting them together on neutral ground more often. They need to know how their behavior is affecting you. They're BOTH acting like children.

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I know I'm a day late but I had a friend like her. She hated that I was friends with some I knew before her. It got to the point that I would avoid her calls. I finally had to tell her that I could no longer be friends with her because I can't give her the kind of attention she needs. I haven't talked to her in over 15 years. I say dump her. After dumping my friend I felt so much better because I didn't have the stress of convincing her that she was my friend too. Good luck with that.

I had a "friend" like her. Every tiny little thing gets made into a huge deal with hurt feelings. Sound familar? I finally decided it wasn't worth the trouble anymore, and I gave up trying to patch things up with her. I didn't even say anything rude to her, I just stopped responding. She totally lost it and blasted me all over facebook, even got into it with my husband. Eventually I told her off and blocked her, and it felt great.

I have several friends who I have known for 10 years or more, and we can go weeks or months without talking, but when we do, we can pick up like we haven't missed a day. Those are the friends who are worth keeping. If somebody sucks your energy and being with them is an emotional drain, get rid of them.

I'd end the friendship. She is controlling insecure and has issues. But the glaring red flag to me is --- why does she have your husbands work cell number? Who gave her that? Why would she be comfortable ever calling or texting him? That's crossing a line. Reading your post made me immediately think....does she harbor feelings for your husband and see that if you ditch her as a friend - she will lose justifiable access to seeing or being around your husband? So she gets upset and pitches a fit with you to make you feel guilty for "neglecting" her so you reel her back in and she can then come around and be near you and him. I've seen this before in a friend group we had with several other couples. One gal had a crush on my friends husband and would do anything to be near him, even if just hanging out with the whole family. I'd cut her off now, before she gets worse --even if I am way off base....you don't need someone trying to control you, intimidate you, and bringing problems or baggage into your life. You need to focus on the positive healthy friendships you have and do everything you can to keep the drama away from your hubby and marriage. Take it up a notch with your marriage and the good friendships to keep them solid and
Move on before stalker friend cause more damage.

i am going through this same thing. my friend (17 years) just blocked me from fb because she couldnt handle seeing my life with my other friend, who she cant stand. i have to admit it has been nice not having to deal with it. i quit calling and texting about two weeks ago and have yet to hear from her. part of me is sad but i am almost 42 and i just dont have time for it anymore. good luck, i know it is hard

Too much drama. I wouldn't make any declarative statements or do anything specific. Just slowly stop hanging out with her or doing anything. Don't take the bait.

This sounds like highschool drama "Grandma, X doesn't want to be my friend anymore."

I'll say to you what I say to her "I'm sorry this is happening. We have to feel sorry for people like Katie because they are insecure. Don't be angry - feel sympathy."

It sounds like Katie has a lot of growing up to do.

I would ask myself what I am getting out of the friendship. Is Katie a good support? Is she funny and fun? Why, besides history, are we friends? And if you're not sure of the answer - then that is your answer.