Lack of Intimacy After Having a Baby?

I can't explain it, but I'm the same way, and my son is almost 27 months old!!! I thought we'd just go back to our normal sexual relationship when I started getting more sleep and wasn't so exhausted all the time, but that hasn't happened. It took a while to even find pleasure or stimulation let alone the desire to have sex. It wasn't about not getting pregnant again so soon, it wasn't even that I loved my husband any less (although we DO have our parenting differences that make intimacy less appealing), it just was and is. I still have a hard time with it, but once we get started (and especially after), I'm definitely glad we did!!! :) And now that we want to try for baby #2, I'm having an equally hard time with my desire - or lack thereof - despite my excitement about getting pregnant again.

It's good that you and your husband are talking about the situation because communication is essential!! I hope you can find a middle ground and enjoy intimacy with your husband again!

3 moms found this helpful

Hi R.!

Well, you know this is completely normal, right? It is. Life can simply change after a baby.

In my case, I almost "hid behind" our son to avoid intimacy so I didn't have to say "no" to my husband. After a wonderful talk, he tried his best to support me and tried to understand. I didn't want him to think that I didn't love him anymore.

Well, after a long while of feeling this lack of intimacy, too much time can go by before you begin to re-invent your love-life with your husband. I regret that the most.

Today our routines are different based on my "lack of" needs early on. We still have a wonderful sex life, but not as often as we used to. That's been "accepted" in our home.....for now. We both dream of how it used to be.

So, after briefing you on my experience, I would recommend that you try harder than me :O) Don't let any weight gain make you feel insecure. Get dressed everyday WITH makeup each morning (even if it's a cute sweatsuit). Try, try, try to overcome YOUR feelings. You will have moments of feeling intimate and sexy, which should become more often if you try hard enough. It worked for me, and I tried really hard.

You can do it, Wendy!

~N. :O)

3 moms found this helpful

R.
I am so with you, girl. My husband and I were married 6 months when we turned up pregnant, accidently I assure you! We had a wonderful, hot and heavy relationship. I was very sick my entire pregnancy, which slowed things way down and then after my daughter was born, I had ZERO libido. I thought it eventually would swing back around to my pre-baby desire, but it never did. I since have had 3 more children, but I've never returned to "the real me". My husband doesn't understand it, and I don't really, either, except that I know it's very normal, however disappointing. Part of it is due to hormonal changes, and part of it is due to priority changes. We have been married for 9 years now, and we're just now talking about it. So I'm with the other ladies in saying don't wait as long as I did. My husband has been through it and has felt frustrated, confused, unloved, undesired and rejected. I didn't know how to tell him I just don't have the drive anymore. However, more than just talking to him, please go talk to your OB and ask if there is something you can take or some hormone replacement to increase your libido. To be honest, I don't really care about it for myself at this point, but I'm doing it for my husband. I tried the "just do it and you'll get back into it" thing, and it didn't work for me. I'm not saying it doesn't work for anybody, it just didn't work for me. I still don't care to have sex much at all. I do want that desire to come back, though. But after watching my husband go through everything, I do strongly encourage you to tell him what's going on as soon as you can, so he doesn't feel rejected. Tell him you are going through some very natural changes that have nothing to do with how much you love him and find him desireable. Ask him to be patient with you and you will do your best to do what it takes to get things to turn back around. This is something guys simply can't understand, because they get turned on just by watching us walk across the room, and they're ready for sex immediately! I told my husband we are two different creatures. It takes him 2 seconds to be ready, but it takes a day of courtship for me to be ready. I felt pressured to have sex when I didn't want to, which made me feel resentful, and he felt rejected which made him feel resentful. What a mess! Communication has helped A LOT. It hasn't resolved everything, but at least he knows what's going on. I believe guys feel intimate when they have sex and that's their way of showing it, but we women feel intimate in the sweet little things they do for us every day, like reaching over and holding our hand, rubbing our feet when they know we're tired, making the bed for us, taking care of the kids for a while for us, etc. When I told my husband that, he couldn't understand how on earth I could rate those things higher on my intimacy scale than having sex. It really bruised his ego. But at least now he knows, and we're working on the rest. This has been a little lengthy and maybe not put together very well. I just want you to know you're not alone, it's very normal, communication is key, and there is something your doctor can give you to help. Many relationships end because of this, but they don't have to. God bless, girlfriend, and know that we're with you in spirit.

3 moms found this helpful

Dear R.,
First, I want to tell you that what you are going through is pretty normal. Things do have a way of working themselves out though. You just have to be sure that your husband knows it's not that you don't desire HIM.
This might sound crazy and I'm going to throw it out there anyway....
I think there is a biological reason behind it, not to mention just being tired and having your hormones up and down and all over the place. We're not rabbits, after all. It takes 9 months for our bodies to gestate a baby. A lack of libido may be your body's way of saying it's not ready to carry another baby yet.
Men don't carry the babies or give birth or nurse so their interest never diminishes. They were given testosterone for a reason.
There are lots of ways for you to still be intimate. Even just cuddling and watching a favorite show on television or talking.
You will get back into the swing of things, but in the meantime, like I said, make sure your husband knows it's not the end of the world and he is still the great love of your life. Sex does not equal love or vice versa.
You've got a lot of years together ahead so communication is the glue that will keep you together above all else.

Best of wishes!

3 moms found this helpful

I've been there and it's awful! Luckily I finally feel like my old self again...the difference (sorry to say) - not breastfeeding.

Maybe you can relate...my daughter breastfed for 14 months and during that time I had no interest in sex - zip, zero.
Before baby, I didn't realize just how much my breasts had been key to my arousal and stimulated my desire.

After baby, they went from "fun bags" to "milk bags" and I was phsically turned off by my husband's attempts to use the old turn-ons (luckily he was very understanding). Also, I was exhausted from lack of sleep (still feeding every 2-3 hours a night at a year old) and felt like anything related to making another baby was the last thing I wanted (even if it was just "practice") - funny how the body's physical state reflected the mental:)

Eventually, my daughter weaned herself, I could finally sleep through the night, and within a month I was shocked by my sudden feelings of desire again. It's been 4 months now and I'm feeling HOT! I can't belive I actually think I'd like to try for #2. My husband and I are thrilled by my return to "normal".

So, I encourage you to breastfeed as long as possible, just have hope that when it comes time to wean it may be sad to end that special time with your daughter, but exciting to rekindle that spark with your hubby.

2 moms found this helpful

I had no libido while I was breastfeeding but now that my son is weened it is much, much better. There are a lot of hormones involved with breastfeeding that you can't control. For now, I would suggest focusing on intimate (touching, snuggling, kissing, etc) time with your husband instead of just on the main event. I have noticed that post baby I need a lot more "warm up" time. Start slow and work your way up. It will get a lot better after you are done breastfeeding.

2 moms found this helpful

Dear R.,
I can so relate to you. My daughter is 13 months, too, and we had a veeery complicated pregnancy, no sex for the last 6 months of it. Afterward I was very ill, and that was the last thing I could face was sex. It wasn't till my daughter was 11 months that we even tried again. At this point, we make an effort, but with the schedule it's hard to do, I am exhausted in the morning and night, and he's gone in the day. Also, I really only felt this new deep love for my daughter and it felt almost un-natural to give any to him. But guess what? There are so many couples who have the same problem,and we do the best we can, so don't be hard on yourself. It is a natural instinct for the mother to bond with her child intensely.
What we are trying now is to have date night once a week, no matter what. We have a caregiver come that night. We are not allowed to cancel. Whether we go to dinner or stay in bed and eat pizza, we do it to connect to EACH OTHER-not have sex unless it feels right. Because real intimacy cannot happen unless we are connected emotionally. So there is a better chance that I will want to be with him physically if we are connected-women, especially, need to feel that. So it's like dating all over again, and then at some point you feel ready, and the desire comes back. It is starting to come back for me little by little.
I think it is good for our daughter, too, because she needs us to be connected, needs to feel that bond between us. I took this advice of manditory date night from a friend who was divorced by the time her son was 6 years old. She said they focused on their son and let their relationship slide, she did not want to see it happen to us.
I hope you guys find a way to reconnect in that way. It's helping us a lot.
J

2 moms found this helpful

Normal, normal, normal!

:-)

Remember, besides the fact that your hormones have changed, so have your priorities. Don't beat yourself up.

Besides the fact that all you think about is this baby (how can you possibly be aroused right?). You are also being used by this baby. The nursing, the holding, the diaper changing, etc. So when it's time for sex, you just don't wanna give anymore. Believe me... we've all been there. I know that at the end of the night I didn't even want to be touched by the dog at my feet! I was done.

What helped me is just having sex... then my body remembered how much I enjoyed it. So, make it a decision instead of a feeling, and the feelings will follow.

Good luck sister!

~B

P.S. Talk to your husband. Let him know what is going on. The last thing you want to do is alienate him emotionally too. He might even be nice enough to pleasure you and help you feel aroused again. :-) He's got to know what is going on, otherwise he'll feel helpless and rejected.

2 moms found this helpful

You'll get a million responses to this question. What you're experiencing is really normal. One cause is that the woman is usually so in love with her baby, nothing else really matters. I will say truthfully that it can take years for a real sex drive to return, mostly because you feel more like a mom than a woman. But you will probably get it back someday, and then it will be great again. I would say just keep on scheduling it in, and do your best to enjoy it or act like you are, and know that some day you will feel it again. My kids are all teens, and for most of their lives I have not felt really sexual. But I'm starting to really feel it again.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi R., I'm with you on this one, I hate it and feel awful about it, but don't know what to do to get back to the way we were. I am considering maybe seeing a therapist, someone suggested natural remedies from a healthstore to increase libido, I am wondering about acupuncture also. For me, in addition to the lack of sex drive I also have discomfort EVERY time we have sex. My daughter is now 9 months and I too am still nursing, but I really thought that things would be better at this point. All I can say is you're not alone in feeling this way, and good luck to you - and if you figure something out, please shoot me an email as I too am still looking for an answer!

1 mom found this helpful

I know how you feel. Mine returned with my period at 16 months... Still bfing, but that's what seems to have made the difference here.

I agree with "acting as if". I find that once I start, I end up being really glad we did... ;)

We are doing AP as well, including co-sleeping, so it's a little like high school to find a time and place, too!

1 mom found this helpful

Boy can I relate!! My girls are 3 and 6, and I'm still not all that interested in sex. I think it has to do with being so, so busy and just being flat worn-out at the end of every day. I have kind of an insane job, work lots of hours (including being on-call at all hours of the day and night), and then when I come home, it's homework, dance lessons, gymnastic lessons, flash cards, bath time, laundry, cooking dinner, trying to fit in a workout... let's face it, by the time I fall into bed at midnight, I have nothing left. The only thing I've been able to do is pretend that I like sex. My husband has no idea that the absolute last thing on earth that I want to do is have sex. I know it is important to him that we have sex and that I enjoy it too, so as far as he knows, that is exactly how it is. But seriously I feel like I could live in a convent and be perfectly happy. I'm chalking this one up to "things people never tell you before you get pregnant!" Oh well. It is what it is, and if a little "acting" on my part keeps my husband happy, then that is the price I will happily pay to have my beautiful, happy family!

Sorry I don't have any better advice, but hey, you're not alone! =)

1 mom found this helpful

hello. I too also have this problem you are having. I dont have any advice becuase we are still dealing with this too. It has been close to a year since I have had sex and I have no desire to at all. Im very interested inthe advice you will get from other moms. Lease keeep me posted or give me advice if anything works for you. Thank you so much and good luck. We both need it. :)

1 mom found this helpful

Hi R.-
I only had a couple of months of low libido, and then it was just the strong desire to sleep as soon as I put my baby donw for the nght...no matter what time it was. Sex or sleep for a new mom, what is more important :)
I have heard a similar complaint from several of my friends that are strong attachment parenting supportors. It was described as being "touched out" after the holding, sling, no-cry sleep methods, and the family bed. Maybe that's happening to you as well? I don't how long you've been with your husband, it could also be partly a cooling down thing if the relationship is younger...alot of things change sexually after 5-10 years!

Good luck...if he's supportive, you'll be back on the same page again soon!

1 mom found this helpful

I work for an OB/GYN and I know HE doesn't give anything for "IT" But what he does say and it worked for me is" Try to think like a "MAN" think about it (Making love) through out the day many times. And this might just arouse you. Think of what you what him to do to you and think of how it will make you feel and him as well. Try te "get it in your head" that YOU want to make love to him and you WILL ENJOY IT. There is a saying that "If you don't use it you lose it." So, just DO IT. I hope this helps, I don't know if I made sence. Good luck and happy LOVING!!!!

I had the same issue when I was breastfeeding - for me that was part of the issue. However, now I wonder if that was the only thing. Years later after I got back my "mojo" or at least I thought, my desire turned off again. I'd want to make love to DH in theory, but then we'd get going and let's just say no matter what he did, nobody was home. And my youngest was nearly four at the time. Frustrating. I told my OB/GYN at my annual and asked if it could be pill related. She said anything is possible - she we changed my pill and that was all it took. My body reacts slightly differently to this pill - slightly more PMS, but shorter period, but more importantly libido is back so my mind and my body want the same thing. Are you on the pill? If so, check into that too. Otherwise, it could be breastfeeding. It's so hard to want someone to touch your breasts when they're not your own anymore. My sister in law always said she didn't feel normal and like herself until her kids turned two - I think there's truth to that. Good luck!

Hi R.,
It can be tough, for sure. Especially when everyone is tired and cranky. Here's my best advice: fake it until it becomes real. The intimacy with your husband will make you want more and he will respond better to your needs emotionally when his are met physically. Good luck. =)

Hi R. - I wish I had advice but I can only say that I really relate to this. I just did the best I could for my husband's sake until I finally weaned my son completely in December after nursing for 17 months. In January my libido has come back with a vengeance. So don't worry, it will be back.

Hi R.,

I havent tried any of this. This is what I've read can help libido:

1/4 t of borox in a cup of water , every three days.

or

L- argenine (on empty stomache) dialetes blood vessels and improves blood flow

or

Cordyceps Sinensis - 800 mg, 2 x a day

or

Ginko Biloba - 120 mg 2 x day

I don't know about taking any of this while breastfeeding.

One thing you should try that can be healthy and I think you can take while breastfeeding is vit B complex (take 3 times a day) (supports the central nervous system) and Fulvic acid (find this at a heath food store or online.)

I've recently read an opinion by someone else that vit b5 regulates hormones. I don't know, but he claimed that his wife had reccurring bacterial vaginitis, starting taking b5 everyday, it regulated her hormones and she doesnt get BV anymore.

Sometimes "acting as if.." gets you started feeling the way you want to feel. Taking the time either when baby is asleep or with grandma and not about to need your attention to relax with bath or shower and then making the advances and giving your husband a massage or letting him massage you can get you started feeling like you want more. Having a good sex relationship is so important to a marriage that it is well worth taking the time to do your part to express your love and appreciation for what a great husband you have and how happy you are to be a mother. I know it is strange to not feel interested when before you didn't have this problem, but unless there are some problems you need to address with each other or a therapist, you can work it out yourself by putting some creativity and effort into making advances yourself. Have fun with it!! In time you will laugh that this was ever an issue..N. great grandmother, retired happily newlywed

I was only able to breastfeed for a month so my situation is different from yours, but I want to give you hope that you can have a great sex life again that you can actually enjoy and look forward to! My husband and I actually have a better sex life now than before our daughter was born. It took work, though. Some things that really helped were getting our daughter to bed earlier so we had some time to unwind together before bed, and then working on my own mental state. When I think of ways to spice thing up--planning an intimate encounter to surprise my husband--I really get excited about sex and am able to enjoy the experience even more. Starting with a little alcohol never hurts! Try a glass of wine after your daughter is in bed. Then try something new--imagine your husband's response when you surprise him by walking into the living room while he's watching TV wearing sexy lingerie and high heels! Get excited about surprising him--you'll surprise yourself when your excitement flows into your intimacy. Get creative--candles, music, or don't be afraid to ask for a nice foot massage to get things going. Role playing is a neat way to get back into the swing of things, and to let loose your inner vixen you've forgotten existed. It's hard to envision if you haven't done it, but it can be fun to pretend you're a call girl "gift" to your husband, or pretending your in your office "seducing" a co-worker or cleaning man...it sounds crazy but really it can be fun! Or start with talking about what you used to really love about your sex life, until you feel like you're in that "place" again. If you can, have your daughter spend the night with a grandparent so you can have a wonderful evening alone--a nice dinner, some good drinks and dessert, then some romance! Once you have a couple of good experiences where sex doesn't feel like a chore, you'll actually start to look forward to it, and you won't need the extras, though they're fun to plan once in awhile to keep things interesting. I value the emotional connection we've strengthened with good regular intimacy, and the very helpful and happy husband I have because of it!

I would ask your dr. about estrogen cream. also, go to GNC for a bottle of Yohimbe. I'd start with a half pill first, b/c it can give you a headache/tummy ache at first, but not everyone gets that side effect. But I have no idea about taking Yohimbe if your nursing, you'll have to look into that.

I don't see it mentioned yet, but you may want to talk to your OB about an estrogen patch...maybe you are too low.

My daughter is 11wks old now and my drive is also low. They say when your breastfeeding, your estrogen is low and that is a major hormone for sex drive and also testosterone is the other major hormone. You might want to get them checked just to see the levels because that might be it but I read the other responses and I agree with alot of them. Being a mom is hard. You're under constant 24/7 demand. It's very exhausting. Men don't get it because they are not us and do not have the same demands or mind set as a woman. My husband and I have had sex twice since her birth and I really could just go without it, forever it seems, but he would DIE if I did that to him so I have to think about him. The funny thing is, once we have sex, he is so compliant and happy, he'll do whatever I ask him to do and that makes my life easier. Good luck with everything because I totally know how you feel and what you're going through.
GA

I had the same problem. It didn't even begin to go away until a couple of months after weaning my daughter. (she was 14 months when we weaned her). It did start to get a little better after that, but not completely. It has been difficult. It is really important that you have an honest and open conversation with your husband about this. It can really drive you apart if you ignore it. You need to get creative. It really does help. Try something new or a new location. When it is really bad we do what we call a deal. My husband gets a sexual favor and in return I get what I really want (a massage to help me fall asleep). It has really helped a lot. You also need to carve out time for just the two of you. We drop the kids off with a trusted friend for a couple of hours and just come back home and have time to ourselves. We try to limit the talking about the kids to a minimum and use that time to have a real conversation. It is hard to have any libido when you constantly have a child tugging at you or wiping snot on you. A break from that makes a world of difference. Really try to reconnect. If it leads to other things, all the better. I could give you some other suggestions, but they would be better suited to a private message. If you would like more info just send me a note. Good luck and remember your child will benefit from a close and loving relationship between you and your spouse. I remind myself that often when my husband reaches out to be sweet and affectionate and I really don't feel like being touched anymore. If you look at it that your setting a great example on what a loving relationship looks like it is easier to deal with sometimes.

Check your hormonal levels. Saliva test is best. Testosterone regulates your sex drive. Yours must be super low from the hormonal depletion while pregnant. Taking natural testosterone supplement can help. See an aware Naturapathic DR.
GOOD LUCK.

Everyone has great advice for you but here's one more suggestion for when you're not in the mood, (or have your period or have an infection, etc.: ) Offer him a "bun rub". Have him lay on his stomach and give him a bun massage, then have him turn over and satisfy him with your hand. The massage and the hand release will only take a few minutes and one of two things will happen:
1.) He will be thrilled with the attention and you'll feel more warm toward being physically close to him because the pressure will off to "have sex"
2. Occasionally you may find that doing this little exercise for him may get you in the mood...