My Toddler Is 20 Months, Should I Return to Full Time Job

If it were me and I could get away with staying home, I'd stay with my child until he was in school.

I would stay with your son until he is in kindergarten. It is vitally important to the development of children to stay with their parents until they are school age. I have three children and I would never allow daycare to raise my children. He wants and needs to be with you. You are the most important person in his world right now, don't take that away from him for some job.

Lisa

Continue working part-time if you can. Once your child is in daycare he/she will become sick more often, you will be tired from working all day, and you will miss out on special moments. I stayed home with my children, worked very part-time (kids stayed with my mom), until they were in school then I worked around school hours. It is the best of both worlds. I always say why have children if you are going to let someone else raise them.
There will always be another job out there. Good luck.

I spent nine years working with preschool children and developing early childhood enrichment programs. I worked both with children who spent their days in preschools or daycare and with children who stayed home with parents or grandparents and brought their children to a recreational center for my program. I was in a particular position to objectively observe the differences in these two groups. I didn't set it up as a controlled double-blind study and I am no expert on the subject, but there were distinguishable difference in these two groups. But, there were also clearly distinguishable differences in working with children in preschools that were specifically devoted to character development and daycare facilities that treated their staff like the children's maids. I also have the benefit of being aware of studies in early childhood psychology and brain development that are not commonly known.

It is easy to say, AND IT IS TRUE, that there is no right or wrong answer that applies to everyone. Each family has different needs. I know families with special needs children where both parents must work in order to provide for their children's basic and special needs. I know other families in situations where both parents must work just to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table.

Just about everyone is faced with decisions where you are forced to ascertain and compare values and needs. It is difficult to make this comparison if you do not really understand the benefit of a child being near parents or having the advantage of a constant caretaker for the first 3-5 years of life. I understand that many have no other choice but to work outside the home and away from their children and I deeply sympathize with mothers who truly feel that they haven't the skills or patience to stay home with young children. Nonetheless, it would be less than honest of me to say that, if you have the ability and desire to stay home with your child, I personally feel that you would never regret staying with your child and letting your child be the center of your life throughout the preschool years.

This is not the venue and I haven't the time to list all the differences I observed and all the scientific facts that lead me to these understandings. But I will tell you that I either stayed home with my son or had jobs where I could take him with me until he went to school. Even when I started working as a therapist, we made sure that our son had one of his parents available until he was well into his teens. Even then, most of the time, one of us was available to him all but about an hour each day until he was 18. We spent some years living healthy, but near poverty. We certainly did not make all the right decisions and sometimes sacrificed the more valuable things for the less valuable things. Our son, like anyone, had his challenges and his difficulties. He still has a way to go to get his life where he wants it to be. But, at the age of 24, anyone who knows him is impressed with his ability to love, his joy, his unusual sense of deeper wisdom, his creativity, his courtesy, his respect, his reverence, his friendliness, his manner of understanding and forgiving, and his ability to encourage and comfort others.

All I can say is do your research. Look into what attachment disorder is. This is a forum which is largely viewed by young mother and a smattering of grandmothers. Ask more grandmothers what they have observed about mothers in your position. They have walked the road you are on. They made their choices and can tell you the outcomes.

Some of this is hard to hear for mothers who are away from their children all day and would like to be at home. It is also hard to hear for mothers who are away from their children all day and feel it is best for everyone. Each family needs to know that they made the best choice they could at the time. It isn't about right or wrong. It is about being informed. And remember that your instincts are a great source of information!!!

Good luck!

After reading more of the responses, I felt I should share a bit more about what I have observed over the years. Many of the children in a good preschool frequently appeared more confident, self-reliant, and sophisticated at the ages of 2, 3, and 4 years. However, as a group and as individuals, they were often more anxious, less radiantly happy, more hyper vigilant about their environment, more organized, more controlled, and less spontaneous. The kids in full time preschool from their first year of life were often more articulate at an early age, and often behaved more socially correctly. But, this was largely due to the fact that they had to look out for themselves a bit earlier than those with their mothers. This seeming advantage tends to have a backlash. In the groups I was able to observe, as they grew, the kids who stayed with a parent or grandparent were able to catch up in all areas as long as the home environment was a healthy one. However, there were several areas in which I did not observe the children in daycare and preschool from the first year of life being able to catch up with those who were largely at home the first 3 to 5 years. There was a marked difference, and psychological research confirms this, in the ability to act unselfishly as they mature. What appears as confidence in 4 year old can easily develop into selfishness, anxieties, and arrogance. Children can feel the difference between being with someone who will get another group of children next year and being with someone whose life would be permanently altered without them. When in the presence of someone with whom they are vitally connected, they sense a protective bubble about themselves and experience a sense of self value in the atmosphere that surrounds them. When cared for by someone whose instincts are to give up their life for the life of the child, that child is more likely to develop the ability to put others before themselves, to show genuine humility, and to feel cherished. These children were GENERALLY happier children and remained happier children as they developed into adulthood.

Most of us just are not aware of the many facts that are available to us today in regard to the way a baby's brain develops. When nursing a child, the baby's brain waves on an EEG will completely entrain to the mother's and the brain wave patterns become identical. This helps the limbic system, the subconscious part of the brain that drives our survival instincts, to develop in a healthy way that allows us to be less anxious, less defensive, less hyper-competative throughout our lives. The patterns of the limbic brain in an infant normally develop through the infant's closeness to the person to which they become most attached from the moment of birth. Although the first 9 months are most critical, research indicates that there are additional benefits if the child is allowed to stay close to that main caregiver for the first 3 to 5 years. Children who are deprived of the opportunity to remain close to a constant, caring, caregiver the first 9 months of life frequently develop attachment disorder. I feel that there are varying degrees of attachment issues when children are separated from their caregiver too early. We have more children in day care and preschool than ever before. We also have more childhood obesity, behavioral and learning disorders than ever before in history as well. No doubt, there are other environmental factors creating these problems. Nonetheless, it would be ridiculous for us to dismiss the obvious changes and not try to understand how removing young children from the home environment too early or too often has affected this trend.

There is no doubt that the trained educators in a good preschool do provide fantastic benefits for early childhood development as well. But, if we truly want the best for our children, in a perfect world, the parents would be trained to provide that kind of guidance and education at home and in normal social situations. The first 5 years of life should be almost entirely devoted to the character training of a child. They do not need to know the alphabetical order until they can read well enough to look something up in a dictionary, and they do not really need to be reading until age 7 or 8, when the brain is well enough developed to learn this skill easily. We are far too focussed on academics at an age where we should be far more focussed on developing foundational virtues, self awareness, and social graces.

But, I am speaking here in broad strokes and generalities. Each person and each family must assess what is most important for their own lives and it will serve no good purpose to become judgmental or defensive on this subject. I simply feel it is important to not leap to a decision without gathering sound information about all the benefits, both short and long term, before making your decision.

This is an important decision for you. I just felt that being told that it is just a personal decision you have to make was going to clear any of the confusion you are feeling. I also feel it is not helpful to hear arguments that defend either choice or either extreme. You need sound information from objective and experienced perspectives. It is important that you make the decision you will be proud to have made a year from now, 5 years from now, 40 years from now, etc. You did not just have a baby. You had a teenager, who will likely become a spouse, a parent, and a grandparent. The decision you make today will impact many lives.

One last piece I will add is to suggest that, after gathering information, you spend some time in prayer and meditation. This is a big decision for you and you are asking for input from others with some experience. This means you are a thoughtful and conscientious parent. Just don't forget to ask for the greatest Wisdom of all and to listen to your own wise heart.

Oh, and one more important thought. Don't feel like you can't change your mind. If you make a decision and act on it and it doesn't turn out the way you had hoped, give yourself permission to change your mind. You might want to talk with your family and potential employer about the possibility of trying things out just to evaluate the situation. Assess, experiment, reflect, learn, and adjust. This is the only way to get through this life with any amount of sanity!

Each family needs to travel the road that works for them. Good luck to you and your husband as you navigate this -- because it's a decision you make together.

We have 4 daughters, ages 16 - 30, and I was our family's primary wage-earner for many, many years. When my 2 younger daughters were very small, I was sad about going back to work (though it was a financial necessity for us). My sister's opinion really helped. She said staying home when children are older (middle/high school age) is more important than when they are younger. Staying home when they don't want you (adolesence) helps keep them on the right road. Assuming you find childcare where the philosophy is similar to yours (big assumption, I know), staying home when they're little probably benefits the mom more than the children. Children need their parents more when they're at that "but I want to be with my friends" age -- not to keep them from their friends, but to supervise those after school hours, invite friends over, keep an eye on things & redirect as necessary.

My older 2 girls had a stay-at-home mom for the first several years. I was a working mom when they were in middle & high school. I so wish I could have done things differently. Things happened in the afternoons (nothing terrible -- just minor behavioral things I wish I could have weighed in on), homework/chores became issues, etc. Sometimes, when you're a kid you know what is right -- but you just need a reminder to do it. I really think it impacted my kids' grades & life choices.

My younger girls had a great daycare for the first year, then a nanny who came to our home for several years. I missed taking them to their first movie (but they had a blast). Our nanny took them on picnics (I was sad; they had a blast). She took them to swimming lessons & the beach (I was under fluorescent lights; they had a blast). I worked like crazy & we saved a lot of money, allowing me to retire when I was in my early forties.

So, I stayed home during the middle & high school years for our younger 2 (one still in HS). I've done the prom dress shopping, the after-school reminding, the cheering at softball & basketball games. I'm usually the one who picks up the friends after school, who hosts the Friday night sleepovers, who hears the discussions in the back seat about this teacher or that boy. And, with these 2, I've been able to interject the occasional "have you thought about it this way?" or occasionally "What the heck are you THINKING??" ;) I've been able to provide more direct guidance for homework & after school time.

Additionally, my years of working removed a great financial stress for our family, allowing us to save for college and achieving a greater balance of responsibility between my husband & I. We both understand what it takes to parent & we both understand what it takes to work outside the home -- and to juggle a lot. Honestly, this didn't seem important when the kids were little but, in hindsight, is VERY important.

There's no one right way to be a family. Many, many families thrive with one working parent. Many, many families thrive with two. You and your husband should choose what works for yours. Either way, a loving home with parents who communicate well with each other and share common values can't go too far wrong. Hang in. It'll be fine. Best wishes as you map out your own road.

There is no wrong answer... we both worked with our oldest and had a nanny- our son had a wonderful experience. Life changed, and my husband is home with the kids now and he loves it. I like having my husband home with the kids. If he were to go back to work, securing appropriate childcare would be essential. Either way the most important part is to be comfortable with the care of your child. If you are for sure returning to work when your son is 29 months old, you might have a hard time finding the "right job at the right moment"- life sucks like that. Good luck with your big decision.

Maybe you should try asking your husband and your son instead of us? I'm not trying to be rude, I promise, this is just a very personal decision.

The only thing I can tell you is that you have to weight the pros and cons for yourself. How are you doing financially? Is your family okay with you only working part time? Are you comfortable with allowing other people (most likely with different philosophies) to spend more time with your son than you get to? Are you comfortable with other people witnessing your son's milestones? Are you comfortable with other people teaching him right from wrong? Do you think he'll miss you too badly? If you were to put yourself in his shoes and look at it through his eyes, what would you want mommy to do? Can you really afford to give up this offer in today's job market? etc....

There is a lot to think about. My personal decision was to stay home with my children. You have to make your own decision. Best of luck!

Can you survive financially without working?
If you were a little kid, which mother would you want for yourself? A full time working mom that you saw a little in the evenings, or a mom that was always or almost always there for you? Also, remember that boss's tend to prefer workers that are robots who never get sick, never have sick kids, and never want vacation time.
I hated writing up working moms for taking off too much time to see to their kids, but my upper mgmt always made me do it. I felt so mean!

I'm a stay at home mom, but I know that's not what everyone wants. Are you really engaged with your son when you're with him and enjoying your time? (I've always spent my time with my daughter and taken her places, but some SAHMs obsess about the housework etc and don't really spend that much time playing with their kids). If you're miserable being at home and really want to be away, your kid will pick up on that anyway. If you're enjoying your time with him, do it while you can...soon he'll be in school. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

I work FT. Our daughter is a well-adjusted, socially confident, articulate 4 yo. (I don't know why some mothers insist on saying that staying home with your child is the only way to ensure a happy, healthy child-?! Total BS! That "strangers" are raising your child if they go to daycare--that is such an elitist, self-righteous perspective; I'm starting to realize that many of those who vocalize that opinion do so as a way to justify their SAHM choice and soothe themselves of any negative backlash. Maybe they never had a job or carreer that they truly enjoyed and felt fulfillment from?) There are many positives about putting your child into daycare: they learn to share, play with others/make friends, communicate, and potty train quicker; they won't get as many illnesses when they start kindergarten and 1st grade. Because daycare exposes them to a wide range of teachers, the children are more comfortable around people of different ethnicities, body types/shapes, and age. They will be more comfortable in a classroom environment when they start school. Because you are working, you have more personal financial security; you have the ability to provide healthcare and security if you should ever find yourself widowed or unexpectedly divorced. As for your situation, my advice is to go for the better job, especially if you already have a desire for it.

Hi K., I agree with all the below answers that it is your decision and will add another perspective.

1. Can you work part time from home and part time from the office. if the company wants you, maybe they will enable you the best of both worlds.

2. if not, would they let you work part time from the office now and full time later to give your child more time to adjust to your not being with him 24/7???

Again, it is such a personal decision: to weigh what is best for you, your child and your family. But i hope having other options helps opens the discussion to other possibilities.

Best of Luck, Jilly

Ultimately, you need to do what's best for you, your child and your family. Only you can make that choice. Good luck!

If you feel ready and you think your child is ready and you have childcare you trust...it depends a lot on you and your child.

I went back to work when my little one was 21 months old. It was a VERY good thing for us. Briana was taught things in daycare that I didn't think of and how to interact with other children. I don't know if you have any more children, but I do not. Briana NEEDED the interaction with other children. She became more advanced in her communication since other people (her teachers) were having to figure out what she was needing. Make sure YOU and YOUR LITTLE ONE like her daycare. My family tried to weight in on what they thought, but in the end I went with the one that I felt most comfortable with. I wanted to make sure there was open communication with her teachers and such. If you live in St. Charles, I have been really happy with both Kindercare on Zumbehl and Waverly Forrest Academy off Cave Springs. I think you will be a happier mom to get back into adult life and you will cherish your time with your little one a whole lot more! Good luck!

This is the hardest choice you can make and it is ultimately all yours! So yes work is good-it helps pay the bills/ gets you back in the swing of life/you conecct with your work friends/ and you feel like you are doing something with results. Just to name a few....then On the negative side- you will misss your baby/ what is going on at the sitter/ is this the best sitter I can do/ will my child catch something from someone/ will they love the sitter more than me? Again just to name a few---Any time you wish to go back is fine, yes you must make arrangements for the baby with a sitter--now if you have the ability to have family take care of the baby that often helps your stress level-but not always the case--so if you are looking for a sitter then check with your friends/look on-line for recommendations and possible sitters/if you are close to a college or university there is probaby a "child care center" but you may have a waiting list/talk to people about sitters-what-who-how much-how long of a day-do they leave the place-(you would need a baby chair for that) do they stay in the "house" all day with a tv and no other interaction?--lots of questions and results all go back to it is still your decision! Whatever you do-the baby will probably survive your choice better than you--so keep some sense of humor and relax and if you really need the money then it is time and if you can stick it out longer-stay home. I did both and in the end went back to work early and with sitters getting my whole pay check I decided it was easier to stay home and be a great "room mother" when they reached school which I did and finally went back to work full time when they reached middle school-and everyone was happy with that. I loved the growing years and doing things with the kids and then telling my husband all about our days and when he could he came too. Hang in there and enjoy your children be it all day or dinner/bath/and bedtime stories! All will work!