My Teenage Brother

Go to the school principal or district office to see what they advise. Have him talk to a school counselor or mental health specialist. Find out why he won't go. Consider online schooling, home schooling, alternative schools. I hope it works out.

M., they now have high school on line. or the home schools where you go pick up the lessons some of them met once a week for help. may be scool is just to much for him but there are other waya to get though school. good luck S.

I had the same problem with my son. He is now a junior but is doing freshman and sophmore level work because he wouldn't go to school last year or the year before. I finally had the school do a full workup with academic and phycological testing last year and determined that he was suffering from depression and couldn't concentrate at school. He was always angry for one reason or another. We had had him on Strattera for his ADHD but we took him off of that and put him on a Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SRI) over the summer and he is a different person. He actually couldn't wait for school to start this year. We also had them switch him to different classes for his core subjects (algebra, english, history) called Strategy classes. They are for kids with emotional issues (not bad ones, just ones that need more attention and patience from the teacher). We had to get him on a 504 plan and then an IEP to get this done but it definitely was worth it. Push for the testing and 504/IEP with the school district and have him see a phychiatrist through his doctor. Helping kids like this takes a multi-pronged approach, there is no magic bullet but it is definitely worth the time and effort. -T.-

M.,

Thank you for being worried about your brother. You are being a good sister.

He is making decisions that will affect him for the rest of his life.

The hard part is how that can affect you and the rest of your family. He is pulling you and your family down.

Sometimes the only thing we can do is be the best we can be. That means that you will need to decide how you are going to act and react about alot of things. What are the things you are going to have to get smarter about? For example, what are you going to do when you have a problem but your mother is caught up in all the drama surrounding your brother but maybe doesn't see your needs? There are a lot of what if's. What if he drops out? What if he runs with the wrong crowd? What if he's being recruited to join a gang?

Find a trusted friend who is willing to listen and most of all who is making good decisions. Some people call them - mentors. It will be easier for him to solve his problems if you continue to help your family by helping out as much as you can so that there is less stress on everybody. I know that this is not fair - but what is the alternative? More stress. You have to be mature, grown-up, and look for people that will give you a hand up.

Model for your brother the way you want him to be. If you want your brother to be a responsible, respectful, mindful, smart, and productive person show him by being that yourself. Show him. Don't tell him.

Hi M., my mother went through something similar with my younger brother. She put him on homeschool for a year. It was through his school, they gave him packets of homework to do at home and were do at the end of the week. At the end of the year he was so bored with staying home he wanted to go back to school. I dont know about you but High School was a hugh scary place and some kids do well in smaller environments. Also look around for a small charter school in your area. Or even a continuation school. I wish you luck, dont give up.
-R.

You've given us very little information. What do you mean "tried everything"? What have you and your mother tried?

What is your family situation? Are there other siblings, is Mom single, remarried, having problems with Dad, working? What's Dad doing? Who are his friends, what do they do together? What are his teachers like, how does the school faculty talk to him about his attendance? What is your attitude regarding the whole thing? Your mother's? If the adults in his life are giving off "I'm sick of dealing with this" then all pep talks in the world aren't going to help him much.

All this things plays a part in his behavior. So anything more you are able to give us the better able we are to help you. You don't have to tell us, but you should take these things into consideration when dealing with your brother.

Also Senya's idea about making him pay rent if he doesn't go to school and be willing to toss him out is NOT a good idea. The last thing a child needs at that age is to feel unloved. It will only make it worse, and cause more heart ache for you, your Mom and your brother. Never mind the fact it's illegal to toss a minor out into the streets.

Remember, your brother's brain is not finished growing and won't be until the age of 22-25. Yes, seriously. He's not even a legal adult, so treating him as though he is an independent adult would be disastrous.

Other than this idiotic piece of "advice" you've gotten some good general advice.

I'm taking a motivation class this semester at SJSU, it's about how to motivate children and adolescents in school. Maybe I'll learn something that might be more helpful to you. If so I'll pass it on, feel free to email me ____@____.com so I'll have your contact info at my fingertips (I'll likely lose track of this post later).

Greetings Maria: How impressive that a sister cares so much for her family that she comes to Mama Source for advice and council. I think that your family is very blessed to have you and your mother must be very grateful for your support.
I would like to adress your brother's problem from a different view than others have taken. First let me say that I have 5 children and one is disabled and is very productive and tries twice as hard to do the simple things in life so it is sad that your brother who sounds healthy but lazy isn't doing them.
When I was young My Aunt and Uncle every day took my cousin to High School. My Aunt would drop him off out front and there was my Uncle parked by the back gate-- of course the kid was taking off and they caught him often. They had a business and made a decision that has set an example for all of us as we raised our children.
They sat this child down and explained that if he wanted to be stupid, do stupid things and make unhealthy choices then after all the things they had done they knew they could not stop him. My Uncle would sit outside in the hall and read a book just to be sure this kid went to class.
They made him get a full time job-- no lying around and doing nothing, and made him do 2 hours of house work/yard work a day plus they made him either read or listen to books on tape so that he got some healthy imput. Going to see a therepist was not something he was willing to do, nor was making good choices. After some time he ended up in the military which did a world of good for him because they didn't let him get away with anything. I have to say that they also had 6 other children living in the home, and were very good about sharing love and attention on all of them and daily reminded everyone of the love they had for the children they had.
This example of service, love without conditions and going the extra mile as hard as it was on them helped me be a better parent to my 5 children. When one of my girls decided to not go to school anymore -- we sat her down gave her the same talk they gave thier child, and we home schooled her and she was begging to go back because I had her doing 30 hours a week on school and she had a part time job and no life except what was apart of her schooling. She says that her child "will not even get the chance to go there". We all believe in love and self respect and family responsibility and in this day and age there are people with Master's Degree's that are out of work and willing to work at anything to pay the bills-- so why would a employer want someone that is to lazy to even go to school?? I can only hope that you will be better by wht you have learned from all of this and that the choices you make will make a difference in our world.
I believe that if you do what you can it will help your mother not feel as if she has failed and it might make your brother wake up to the fact that the world will spin without him and he will be in a dead end place by the time he is 19.
Take Care of yourself and do good things, Nana G

I really feel for you. That is around the age that my brother started really screwing up. he did finish HS but only because of our mom's constant work to keep him in school. She bullied the principals and teachers into giving more second chances...

He is now 21 and continues to make bad decisions. Over the years I have tried to just listen and encourage him for the things he is good at. I am 15 years older than he is, so am more like an aunt than sister. It is heartbreaking to see him make bad choices and to see how hard it has been on our whole family. He has been arrested a couple of times (no convictions) and mom had to refinance our house to bail him out.

I have really tried to help him choose better paths. Maybe it would be worse if I hadn't tried.

Maybe talking to him about the kinds of jobs he could get with no diploma. Or talking to an adult who didn't finish school and how hard life is for them.

Whatever happens, he is making choices and you can try, but really it is up to him to take responsibility for his own life.

It sounds like something is happening at school and he does not want to be a part of it. He could be a victim of bullying. Someone suggested a psychologist which is a good idea. Someone needs to get to the root of the problem. Your mom should try homeschooling or a private tutor. Maybe he just does not want to do the social thing in school. Some kids are like that.

Good like and I am glad that he has a sister that cares so much about him.

You have received a lot of good advice. I would, also, encourage your mom to have your brother evaluated for a learning disability and/or depression.

Public high school is not for everyone. Public high school did not work for my daughers. She ended up going to School for Independent Learners.

There were a couple of alternative schools mentioned below. Here are a few more: Martha Williams and Ziraffa located in San Mateo and School for Independent Learners in Los Altos.

Depending on your brothers schedule, School for Independent Learners has a modified schedule meaning the students were often out of school by noon.

Hi M.,

You have received some really good advice so far in regards to children that are having a hard time with school due to pyschological reasons etc. Being that I don't know too much of your situation, I figured I'd just throw this out there for what it is worth. I really liked Ruth's response as well.

My parents began the process of divorce when my brother was about 12. Being that my brother was caught in the middle of it because he was still a minor they made the huge mistake of starting to feel sorry for him. He didn't want to go to school, for no good reason either. Kids would stay at home and sleep in everyday if given the choice. It was my parent's lack of parenting that ultimately led to my brother dropping out of school in 8th grade. Hard to believe because on the surface my parent's appear to be the most loving parent's in the world. What my brother needed most at this time was love and I mean love through discipline.

Being out of school, my brother got into a lot more trouble and was hanging out with older people. Now sadly, he is 19 and addicted to drugs. I don't think it's ever too late for someone to turn around and I hope that your parents are able to do whatever they need to to help him. Whether that be a big reality check that he is the child and not his own parent or getting him the outside help he needs.

Good luck! :)

Hello, My son (16) was having a really hard time as well. He wasn't skipping but he might as well have. He ended up getting straight F's as a Freshman and had this issue in Middle school as well.
We ended up putting him in SAVA. It's an independent study program and he made all A's and B's last year. It's a really great program. They go once a week for one hour and get work to complete at home. The teachers are great and are experienced in working with high risk students. I highly suggest them if your brother has the discipline to work at home.

Hi M.-
Has your brother been taken to the doctor to be diagnosed for depression? There are alot of things as far as diet that can help, exercise, too, but he may need medication.
My husband was the same way when he was a young teen, but the depth of it did not hit him until 18-20. He would sleep all day, do his own thing, and seemed uninterested in the necessities of daily life, such as school, work, etc. He also has a chemical inbalance in his brain which makes it worse. We have found that with a low dose of effexor and a really healthy diet (90% vegetarian), and moderate exercise, he is in fantastic spirits MOST of the time.
My suggestion is to get him to a a mental health doctor. Regular docs are good, but their specialty is NOT mental health. They can help with diet and exercise, but your brother sounds like he needs motivation and a good "mind" doctor. Most plans, kaiser included, cover mental health visits, etc.
Also take to heart that meds can take weeks to come into full effect- if they work. A really good doc will start him at a low dose (if necessary) and get him into a therapist for some one on one counseling and safe time for him to vent any possible issues. A lot of times there isn't much to do but get him up and get him going.
I hope this helps!
-E.

My oldest daughter is the same age and seems to like school, but the truth is traditional high school is not for everyone. Some kids just suffer through it, while others express their dislike (which is better/healthier). There are options out there for him. Check in his area to see if there are any charter high schools nearby that may be a better fit for him. Also in the charter school realm there are schools like California Virtual Academy, which is an online school. These schools are fully acredited and because they are charters (public schools) there is no tuition to pay. Most even provide the computer for school work.

He is not the only kid that doesn't fit the average school. See if you can get him to open up to you about what he dislikes about his school. That will help you and him find another educational option that works better for him. Good luck!

Is someone bothering or bullying your brother at school? Try to get him to tell you why he doesn't want to go to school. Maybe there's some kind of sport or club at school that he could join to make him interested in school. Maybe it is the wrong school for him. Could you try another school?

I'm sorry I don't have any other good ideas on how to make a kid go to school. All of my kids' friends who started not going to school ended up dropping out, and their parents never were able to fix the problem.

hi there,
I know a girl in middle school who did that last year...I am not sure if she is going to school this year or not. Her parents got her some therapy and medication to try (for her anxiety attacks)and fought for some kind of "medical leave" from school so she wouldn't be truant, if she got her work done and was under a doctor's care...They were going to try home schooling this year if things did not improve.
This girl is one I have known for about 8 years, always a sweet girl and an overachiever in school!! Her parents don't know what the cause is exactly. She started 6th grade and did well, then about halfway through she started having anxiety over her homework, and would be afraid to go to school and turn it in if she didn't think it was 100% perfect. Then after she had missed a few days she got anxious about ever going back I guess...
I also watched a documentary about real high school students that featured a girl who developed anxiety/depression over a break-up with her boyfriend and missed a bunch of school. It's PG-13 and called American Teen or something similar.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know your brother is not the only person who does this!
I wonder if he just doesn't get along with people and doesn't feel comfortable there, or if he just finds the expectations too hard. Maybe he is being bullied??
Try not to worry too much, yourself. Let Mom handle it. Some kids take longer to mature---"late bloomers".
Dropping out of school, if it happens, home schooling, or changing schools (if that would help) is not the end of the world. As long as he isn't suicidal, just consider that things will work out when he gets older and realizes his mistakes.

You have gotten some good pointers already on how to help your brother. If it isn't a learning problem (or probably even if it is), there is an online school at this website:

http://www.k12.com/cava/

You can send them an email and find out about their program and if it will work, your bro. can do his schoolwork at home and get vredits so he is not behind. It is a Charter School, which means it is a special program but a PUBLIC school, so it doesn't cost anything. I am pretty sure they even loan computers if you need one. Good luck! I hope he will open up to you and you can help him through this tough spot.

I am a Home Hospital teacher for my school district.

Basically when a student cannot attend school (whether it be physical injury or emotional issues,) I come to the home and serve as a tutor to keep them caught on on work/instruction they have missed.

Last year I had a student who had a difficult time dealing with the social and academic pressures of school, (although he has a ton of friends and is a GATE student.) This student receives therapy once a week and is currently on meds., I know that this program worked well for him. Currently, he is attending school full time and I am still in contact with his wonderful family.

Hi M.,

Great you are looking for help for your brother. 15 is such a hard age in school -- lots of "mean girls" and boys, too! I would suggest your mom getting him counselling -- with a therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist and seeing if that would help him sort out what is going on. It could be mean classmates, could be difficulties with teachers, could be depression, other physical/mental issues or combinations of these. My friend's 15 year old son just went through a terrible time last year -- missed school as well and became suicidal. He had been on anti-depressants, but also started taking drugs which were offered by people who hung out near his junior high school. His parents found suicide notes and took him to the ER and it ended up that he is bipolar and had a psychotic reaction to the non-prescription drugs mixed with the prescription. They ended up sending him to a treatment school/facility in Reno for a few months, and he recovered completely, is back in high school, on bipolar meds and very happy. Helps care for his 5 year old nephew, too. Now this may be an extreme example, but this kid was struggling for over a year, and ultimately things just got worse and worse... but luckily mom intervened (dad was in denial) and got him help. Another teenage girl I know skipped school a lot during high school because she didn't "fit in" -- she also had some bipolar issues -- but did independent study for awhile (until she didn't get enough homework done), went back to high school, and with support from therapists, meds and different friends, has just graduated and is starting community college. Good luck with your brother -- I hope he gets some help, finds a different school, new friends, or whatever he needs with your help and that of your parents. I remember myself how horrible 14-15 can be -- I myself had difficulty going to school and occasionally had suicidal thoughts at that age.

Take care!

You've gotten a lot of good advice, but if none of it works, your mother should tell him that if he won't go to school, which is his "job" at this age, then he has to pay rent, and if he doesn't get a job and come up with the rent by "x" date, he'll have to leave. She will have to be ready to put him out, though. It doesn't do any good to just threaten.

Can you see about an alternative program? I know in the San Ramon Valley area there's a school called Venture and it's an independent program. Do you know why he doesn't want to go to school? I'm sure he knows not going at all isn't an option as far as the law is concerned. Maybe someone said something to him that first day and he needs to find a way to deal with it. Maybe he could change schools? What about a private school?

Unfortunately there isn't much YOU can do other than talk to him about what he wants to do when he grows up. IF he wants to be a doctor (for instance) he can't do that without going to college, he can't go to college without going to high school. Talk to him about what he wants to do when he moves away from home, and how soon he thinks that will happen if he has no way to support himself. Boys his age don't think that far in the future and if your mom talks to him all he will hear is "lalala!" Maybe if you talk to him it will help, but don't count on it, and do not get into a fight with him!
You have to be willing to back off and let your mom handle this, even if she handles it badly, and don't make the same mistakes as your brother. Your mom is supposed to be the adult here, she needs to figure it out.
I am sorry, I truly know how you feel, my stepson lives with him mother and is acting the same way. Be supportive of your mom and do the best YOU can to be a good daughter.
Oh, btw, your mom can contact the school and the truancy officer, that might help.
Good luck hun. *HUG*

First off I think it is so great that you care for your brother the way you do. God Bless. Anyway, there is something wrong. It may be problems with Bully's, Gang, peer pressure or Learning. He may not have gotten the learning that he should have received in the lower grades and now he can't fake it anymore and does not want to be labeled as a slower learner etc. Something is stopping him from going to school. Find out what it is and then you will be able to help him much easier. Maybe he is also staying up too late and can't get up in the morning. He needs to go to bed no later than 10or 11pm when he is a Freshman. The transition from JR. High to High School is a big one. I hope you all can receive the help you need.

Dear M.,
There could be a number of things going on with your brother. It's not easy being a teenager sometimes and he might not even know exactly what's wrong. It sounds like perhaps he could be depressed, but it's difficult to say. Now that he's enrolled in high school, there should be a guidance counselor that your mom can talk with about finding help for him or a way to get him back on track. He's too young to give up and drop out now...it will affect him for the rest of his life.
Your mom will just have to be diligent and hang in there with him. But I would definitely talk to the guidance counselor and discuss possible alternative programs for him. The farther he falls behind, the harder it will be to catch up and then he WILL feel defeated.

I wish your family the best.

Hi Maria,
I am a family therapist who specializes in teens and their families. I think the evaluation is crucial-- if your brother's school doesn't have someone qualified to assess his troubles, I can recommend Dr. Mona Benson, with Community Psycologists in Sunnyvale. Her number is:###-###-####.
Your parents might also consider, as something a little less drastic than kicking your brother out, charging him when he doesn't go to school, depending on whether he recieves allowance or not.
Good luck!

I don't know what area you live in ,but there are special schools like Peninsula School in Burlingame where my granddaughter graduated from which is great for teens who otherwise "hated" school.

Sounds like he either feels self conscious or discriminated against or doesn't have good friends and a good feeling about classes and teachers. Maybe your mom can talk with a school counselor about options for your family. How nice of you to care so much about your brother!! Wish he had friends like you!!

Grandma N.