My Step Son Is Still Overwhelmed with Moms Death.....

Whatever you are doing is right. Just keep that up. He needs your caring right now. L.

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Is J or are you a Christian? If so, talking about heaven and what it is like and explaining that he will see his mom again there someday may be comforting for him.

Whether you are a Christian or not, sometimes we just need to grieve and cry it out. The best thing to say might be nothing at all...it might just be a hug or an arm around him. Rather than trying to make him feel better, you might want to explore how he is feeling now by getting curious about him and asking him questions about what is coming up for him when he sees the photos. Let him put it in his own words and let him cry it out if he needs to.

Just some thoughts that I hope will help in some way.

Blessings,
C.

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It really is wonderful that J will talk to you as hard as that may be for you. The book that was recommend is great.

Most kids therapy is play where a good counselor can see and pull from his engagement with toys, animals or art. It really isnt what he may think of sitting there on a chaise lounge expressing his feelings to a stranger. Also depending where you live there is the Den for Grieving Kids. http://www.familycenters.org/index.php?option=com_content...

The are open to Westchester and Connecticut families. Its worth looking into, and if you are not in the area maybe they can refer a similar service in your area.

Good luck and please continue to love those children and honor their mother.

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There are books on the subject that you might want to seek out. In the meantime I think you are doing just fine.

The only way this child is going to heal is to allow him to mourn his Mom....it's a long process. Maybe at some point he'll agree to talk to a therapist...perhaps joint secessions with you might help to get him to make the first step in getting there since he has placed all his trust in you.....until then continue to listen to his feelings and answer all his questions when he talks to you about it.

Let him know his Dad is hurting and missing his Mom too so he understands he is not alone feeling what he is feeling. Perhaps it would be helpful if his Dad told him this himself.....

Ask him what he misses most about his Mom and what he enjoyed doing with her. Maybe doing something with him that he used to do with her would be helpful.....

I tend to think part of what he is feeling is that his Mom abanded him. Have you talked to him about heaven and that one day at some point we all go there but right now he's got to live his life and make her proud...how she's up there watching over him...still loving him. Perhaps it would be helpful if you suggest that he talk to her (like praying)and that he can do this any time he wants to.
(((my mom died in 1981 and I still find it a comfort when I talk to her..))))

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My dad died when I was 5, 35 years ago. It is so important to keep him talking about it. I always talked about it with my mother and am fine, but my older brother refused to and was deeply affected, his personality changed (according to my mother).

It always made me feel great to hear that my father would be proud of me. Kids also think it's their fault even when it's clear to everyone else it isn't. He also may have some anger that she left him. I would tell him that his mom didn't want to leave him because she loved him so much but she couldn't stay even though she fought to stay with him. Tell him that she is so proud of him and that she's watching over him. Tell him it's good to cry to get the feelings out and that you miss some important person in your life that died. Tell him that she is proud of him and that it's important to cry when he feels like crying. I also agree with the other person who responded who said you should have a framed photo or some other things that remind him of her. You should talk about her as often as possible, particularly the funny quirky things about her. He may also get upset as time goes by that he is starting to forget her that the details of her memory are slipping away. Also be ready for anger, perhaps by expressing it in a story yourself, eg. when my grandpa died, even though I knew it wasn't his fault, I was mad that he left me. Tell him it's normal to feel these feelings and that it's ok.

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Hi, my oldest son is now 14 yrs old, his mother died when he was 7 yrs old, he expressed his feeling differently from your son. However, what you can do is continue to be there for him, let him know that his mom is up in heaven and looking down at him smiling and that she's always there in his heart and in memory. What my family do just about every year is we gather around and light a candle on the death date of his mother to remember her. That has helped alot and me being there as his "mother" now also helped, so now he's able to sit down with me and talk about his mom so easily(his mom had other children by a different father). I make sure he contacts them as often as possible too.
Good Luck.

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Tell him that just because she doesn't have a body anymore, doesn't mean that she is not all around him now. She is part of the sunbeams and diamond glints on the snow, she is part of the sparkling stars that shine over his head and even becomes the blanket that covers him at night with warmth and love. Tell him HER SPIRIT surrounds him everyday like a protective bubble . She can be with him always better this way than if she had a body!

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What you are doing is great. Let him talk about his mom, how he feels about her, and if he wants to cry, let him do it. Looking at pictures of her is a good way for him to remember her and talk about how he misses her. You may want to contact his school counselor or social worker to ask them for advice on how to let him grieve. If his mom received any hospice care, the program will probably be glad to provide the family with some tips on how to help him, as well as information regarding the grieving process. We used hopsice for both of my grandparents and they were and continue to be a wonderful resource. Best of luck.

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How lovely that he is turning to you to facilitate his mourning his mother's death. It is not uncommon for children to mourn such a loss repeatedly as they move through the various developmental stages and are able to experience their ideas and feelings about the loss and articulate these in newer and more evolved ways. In a way, this grief must be welcomed, and not made to go away, and you have done wonders it seems in making him feel that he has someone with whom to share these feelings. Try not to "make it go away" by telling him his mom would want him to be happy. My guess is his mom would want him to go thru whatever he needs to in order to integrate this event in his life in such a way that is healthy, and you have made great strides in taking him well into that direction. I agree that he should talk this over with a trusted, well-trained child therapist. As a psychologist, I know lots of excellent child therapists in most areas of the city and beyond. Let me know if you need help with a referral in your area. Good job, and good luck!

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Is there a Gilda's Club near you? They can be an excellent resource for you...

http://www.gildasclub.org/

They specialize in working with kids and families that are loosing, or have lost someone to cancer. My niece and nephew went there during and after their mom's cancer battle. It's like a play-group for the kids, counsellings for the family, and individual therapy for the adults.

Your stepson probably doesn't want to talk to his dad, for fear of upsetting him.. kids take on responsibility for their parents' feelings.

Your husband needs to know what's going on.. and even though your stepson doesn't want to go to therapy, he's only 10 or so, and can't make good decisions for himself.

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F.,

You are doing a great job. I hope your son will be okay.

Have you ever heard of the book, "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf"? It might be too advanced for him to comprehend on his own, but you can further explain the message to him. Freddie is a leaf that is so happy, and then one day as fall approaches, leafs (people) start to fall to the ground (die). Of course Freddie becomes upset. Someone gave me the book as an older child when my dad died, and it was very helpful.

The other thing that I do TO THIS DAY (I'm over 30 now) is every time something good happens whether big or small, I say to myself that was Grandma or that was Dad. Maybe if you make your son feel like his Mom is still a big part of his daily life, he will feel better. I know when I am driving down 684 and am so late, and there is not a stitch of traffic, someone somewhere made that happen for me.

I hope he will be okay!

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It sounds as if you are doing an amazing job with all of your children and they are so lucky to have someone as devoted and caring as you. With that being said, if you contact any funeral home, they can put you in touch with grief counselors, there are support groups for children as well as adults for all types of situations. If your son is reluctant to go they can at least advise you how to handle the situation and perhaps help you to gently coax him into counseling or a support group. It sounds as if he may need some outside support,on top of all the love and support you already give him. Even though he doesn't want it, it may be the best thing, children are always reluctant or scared to talk to an outsider. If he sees that there are other children that are going thru the same thing, it may help. I hope this helps, I'm sorry I can't say I speak from experience, but I think this is the way I would go in your situation. Warm wishes to you all, I hope you find your solution.

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What a hard suitation this must be for you. You must be a wonderful women in trying to help him the way you are but I think you should try to get professional help for him before his pain takes him into negative directions even if he tells you that he does not want too.

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You are in a very hard position, and praise you for handling it so well. I was thinking, what if you did something that would celebrate his mother. Have him write letters to her, do something special that he liked to do with his mom. I don't know, I have never been in your situation, but I think just talking about it may not be enough. I wish you the best of luck.

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Oh F.! How sweet that he trusts you so much. It sounds like you are doing very well letting him express his feelings. You definitely don't want him to feel bad for missing her so much. I have no doubt that he will have many more times in his life when he is this upset about it as he has so many more life events to celebrate - times we expect all of our family to be there.

Remind him she is always with him. She is always there and that he can talk to her whenever he wants. He won't hear her words back but she can hear him and sometimes he might see something maybe in nature that she sent his way. Someone once said their child was talking to her dad who had died and suddenly a feather dropped at her feet. She saw that as a gift from him.

Tell him how much it means to you that he comes to you and that you will ALWAYS be there for him as will his dad - if that is the case. I don't know his situation. Tell him his mom knows how much he loves her and misses her and that he will always love her but that she doesn't want him to be sad. She wants him to be happy and enjoy life and that it's ok to think about her.

Wow...I just want to cry typing this to you. :( My own mom doesn't have the best of health and I've almost lost her many times. Thankfully I am in my 30s so I've been lucky to have her but I can't imagine being as young as he was.

Don't push him about counceling because it might push him away from you and right now, you are all he has to help him deal with this. Just remind him if he ever changes his mind and wants to talk to someone else, you will go with him if he wants.

My last thought is this, I don't think there are any magic words for you to find. He is hurting and a little part of him probably always will. It really does sound to me like you are doing wonderfully and I have no doubt that you being there for him is doing more for him than you could possibly imagine. I can't imagine what he would be thinking right now if he felt like he had no one to turn to. Just hug him if that is what he wants...maybe that's what you need to do is just find out what HE needs from you. Does he want to be held? Does he just want you to listen or sit quietly with him? Does he want to read some books by other children who have had such a loss?

I wish you all the best.

L.

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Hello.
My heart goes out to your step son. I lost my mom when I was 13, and my younger brother was 9. I didn't mourn my mom at first...it got harder as time went by. I think what you are doing is great...that you are there for him and can talk to him about it. I also agree with another post just to help him keep her memory alive. The worst thing for me is that I cannot remember a lot about my mom. As time goes by though, ironically, I do remember more here and there, especially now that I have my own kids...I hear her voice coming out of me and it always makes me smile.

But I think all that you're doing is right F....it is a horrible thing to lose a parent, so keep being supportive and you'll help him get through this. I also had many mother figures in my life that helped me. He will surely treasure you for being there for him. I don't think it's something he will ever forget.

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