Anniversary of My Dad's Death

I want to respond to your feelings about your husband's reaction. I suggest that he can't read your mind and may not know how to respond. You told him how you were feeling but not what you needed from him. Many people, but especially many men, are uncomfortable with grief. He may have been a bit of a jerk because he was dealing with his own feelings. Perhaps he also still misses your Dad but more likely he was aware that you were sad and then angry and he didn't know what to do. He felt helpless. Crankiness is a common reaction to feeling helpless.

I suggest that you give him a hug and tell him you love him and then tell him what you need him to do.

I suggest that you find something to do that reminds you of your father as a living person. Focus on his life instead of his death. My parents died several years ago. I frequently remember them in various situations and although I miss them, I take pleasure in remembering them too.

Every once in awhile my brothers and I eat out at places we enjoyed eating with them and spend the time talking about those times. If we lived in the same place we'd probably eat out together near the time of their death or their birthdays to celebrate their lives.

Tell your husband what you want from him. Then find a way to celebrate his life. Yes, miss him. Cry for your loss. But still celebrate his life and the memories he's left behind for you.

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It took me 9 years before I didn't cry on the anniversary of my mother's death. Next month will mark the 10 year anniversary. My sisters and I are planning a special night out just to be together. I'm sure I will become quiet, reflective and momentarily sad on the exact day. Thankfully, my memories are finally becoming about her life rather than about the months leading up to her death. What I do struggle with is disappointment that my children will not know their grandmother in life and the fact that she isn't here to guide me in my mothering.

Grief is an extremely personal journey. It's not easily explained to someone who has never experienced it. I think you did the right thing by giving your husband a heads-up but he may just not understand. Find a way to do something special today to rememeber your father. Hopefully, you will find comfort in this moment.

Best to you today,
Michelle

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My Dad.... died 10 years ago as well.
I think of him... very often.
I know how you feel.
He was my ONLY cheerleader and the only one... who truly accepted me for who I was and am. He understood me... inherently, intrinsically. And I miss him. Still.
My other family members/siblings, just are not as.... wonderful as he was.
And it feels.. isolating.

I... also, and during the Holidays, miss him. I express that to my Husband sometimes... and I don't think he really understands. He takes it personally.... or whatever. Not a good response from him, that I get.
So I mostly... handle it by myself.
I also go and put flowers for him at his grave site.

I miss my Dad... and especially since, my Hubby and I are not at the best right now. My Husband... is just not the feeling/sensitive type.... nor all that thoughtful, sometimes. Its hard..... so then, I do feel like crying.... because the thing that is missing... is just being understood. Which my Dad... always.... was capable of. With anyone. He was just... very knowing... in terms of people and personalities. And accepting.

I know how you feel.
I am so sorry... you are going through this too.
If you need to cry, cry.
You are not alone....

all the best,
Susan

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My Father passed away in 2002. It has effected me in some way every year since. Some years are just fleeting moments of sincere sadness while other years still cause small bouts of tears...but every year brings the hard thoughts and memories and sometimes even dreams.

Death is difficult.

I am sorry for your loss.

I still miss my Dad.

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I am so sorry for your loss, remember It's okay to still cry because you miss your dad. My dad died almost 17 yrs ago and my mom almost 11 yrs ago, but I still miss them and sometimes cry. If your husbands parents are still alive he does not know what you are going through or how to deal with your loss. The best thing is to tell him how the date still effects you and how he can help you get through the sad times.

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Why would you miss him any less as time goes on? You still remember him and love him. Take today to honor you Dad and celebrate his life and the wonderful memories you have with him. Pull out some old pictures and have a glass of wine and remember... even laugh! You Dad is still with you - always will be.

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This past November marked the 1 year anniversary for my Mom, and 5 year anniversary for my Dad. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them and miss them and wish they were still here with me to see my kids grow up. I know they are with me "in spirit" but not having them physically here has left a big hole in my life that cannot be replaced. I expect that I will always feel some sadness around the dates of their passing - I do not consider this unusual - rather, a testament to how much they were loved and are missed. Your feelings are perfectly normal, and it is not too much to ask for your spouse to be sensitive to them, especially since you gave him a "heads up". Go ahead and have a good cry. Sending hugs your way.

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Hi R.,

First I am so very sorry for your loss. You love your daddy and he is still in your heart. It is clear by the way you are feeling.

As I read most of the comments, I began to cry feeling like it really does not matter how long your dad has been gone, it is still going to hurt. They say time heals all wounds but the loss between a dad and daughter is just so painful. I am sure the feeling is the same when losing any parent. This March 17 will be the first anniversary since my dad passed. He was young and passed very suddenly and unexpectedly. We are Irish and it was a double blow as I was waiting for him to come home since we were having a traditional Irish meal and celebration. His passing also came within weeks of my brother and sisters and my birthdays (none of them were happy birthdays). My dad and I were extremely close. I was "Daddy's Little Girl". I still do not accept his death. I dreamed of him last night and woke up in a pissy mood because he is gone and I could not share my dream with him.

My husband seems to be insensitive sometimes when my daughters and I get emotional about missing my dad. My husband recently told me (when I had a moment of missing my dad) that he misses him too, but he said if he breaks down then it is all over. I asked him what he meant and he said he feels he will just crumble and he cannot do that. He needs to be the backbone. He and my dad we also very close. This might be how your husband feels too. If he does not show emotion then he can keep it together. I would ask him if this is how he feels. If it is, I hope this will help you to understand. Not that you may feel it is right (because I don't) since we all want the hubby that will always be there with hugs and kisses.

I told you all about me because I hope you can relate. It is OK to cry and NOBODY should EVER tell you it is not. I learned that in group therapy that I was put into after my dad's passing. I also learned that everyone thinks the first year after a person's death is the hardest but it is actually the years that follow. The years that follow people have "moved on" with their lives and forget that you are still missing the person from your life. They may not ask you if you are doing well or remember to say sorry for your loss (and mean it). Just keep reaching out to those who do remember what you are missing. Also, just talking about it with perfect strangers who can relate (IE: Mamapedia) can also be great therapy!

I hope you are doing OK today!

Big hugs!

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Jan 17th marks the 2 year passing of my dad. We were extremely close. When he passed I was 8 months pregnant with my first child (and the first grandchild), so while it hurt, a lot, I don't feel like I ever grieved. I tried to hold it together so my pregnancy was safe.
Last year I had a really hard day. Everything made me cry, and I am not usually like that. Everything and anything reminded me of him. I called one of my best friends to talk. She's in her late 40's and lost her mom about 14 years ago. I told her I just missed that parental love. That inconditional, I just need to hear your voice and everything will be ok kind of love. She said while it gets easier, there's not a day that goes by that she doesn't miss that from her mom. For some reason it made me feel better. She's a grown woman, with an adult child, a grandchild, a career, a home, but she still misses her mom.
It's ok to miss them and it's ok to cry for them. There's not a day that goes by that I don't want my daddy. I am sorry for your loss.
Take today for yourself and for your dad.
Big Hugs!

3 moms found this helpful

There is no set time grief will stop. In fact, it never really ends. The pain may start to go away, but you will always be grieving, especially when it is a parent. My husband lost his mother in April and it was devastating to both of us. If you feel like your grief is too much, maybe it is time to talk to someone that specializes in grief counseling. As far as your husband goes, sometimes men don't realize how to help us, and they just kind of shut down. It isn't that they don't care, they just feel helpless and it comes across as uncaring. My husband explained that to me once in a similar situation to the one you described. Maybe you should both go to the counselor together. They may be able to help you both; you with your grief and your husband in how to help you cope with that grief.

My sincere aplogies on the loss of your father - I still have my parents and I can't imagine the pain that comes with losing one of them.

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My dad passed away in 1986 when I was 13 years old. There are some years and some events that still make me very sad and miss him very much. My mom, brother and I take the time every year on his Birthday to have dinner at his favorite restaurant. We usually talk about some of our favorite memories. The most recent years haven't made me want to cry about his passing, now what is more likely to make me cry is to think about how he would have been with my kids...that is difficult.

If you feel like you need to cry, then do it. Nobody can tell you how you are suppose to be handling this. Lock yourself in your room and let it out!

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The first year is the hardest, the 1st anniversary of my dad's death was April 10th my brothers, my step mom and I went to my dads grave and released balloons on the first anniversary, it was just sort of a final goodbye. This day is hard and if you want to sit down and cry you go right a head it is difficult to know all that you are going through and if your husband is anything like mine he just cant get it . Let yourself mourn it is only healthy

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My MIL lost her mom when she was around 18 years old. She still feels sadness and she's 60. Though I haven't experienced this myself, I think it's totally understandable. I don't think others, even spouses, really understand the sadness that you feel. That said, you're also super sensitive today, so I wouldn't blame hubby for his mood.

If you feel like the sadness gets in your way, you should find a professional to talk to. Take care of yourself. I like DM's idea.

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Last year was the 10th anniversary of my dads death. Everybody always says it gets easier with time. I disagree. It is easier to deal with my emotions, but does not get easier. Last year I tried to plan things around that day, so I wouldnt remember. It didnt work. I woke up in a funk and couldnt figure out why I felt yucky, and then realized it was the anniversary.
I am sorry your husband wasnt supportive of your feelings. I know it isnt an excuse, but i really feel men dont know how to react when their wives are sad, so they get angry.
I hope you take some time for you today and remember all the great memories of you and your father.

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my Dad died in 1995 when I was 21. I was devastated. The first several years were very hard, but I still get sad on his birthday, and the date of death. In fact for a couple weeks before the anniversary of the death can be hard, depends on how much I think about it. I feel guilty, because when he was dying, I promised to talk to him everyday, yet to keep my sanity, I cant do it. I find the best thing is to remember happy moments together, and to try to remember they dont want to be remembered for the pain, etc they suffered before death, nor would they want us to be sad. Its hard, but it gets better. or less intense. Focus your thoughts to be positive, you will feel better. He isnt suffering, but has moved onto a better place. Make yourself believe that & dont question it. Smile for him. Hugs, I know it hurts.

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I lost my dad when I was 23 (Sunday marks the 15 year anniversary) and my mom when I was 33. I have often felt alone in the sense that most of my friends still have their parents and many still have grandparents.

Your husband was insensitive, but he won't realize how much so until he experiences that same loss.

It is normal to feel the way you do. Crying is healthy and it's God's built in coping mechanism. Tears of sorrow actually release stress vs. tears from cutting an onion that have a different chemical make up (I read about a study they did on tears). So have yourself a cry and you'll probably feel better.

A verse that brings me comfort is in Revelation 21:4 speaking of the new heaven and new earth to come "and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."

God bless you.

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My dad's death anniversary is in June, it will be 9 years.

I keep really busy on his passing date... but it's other times, like my children's birthdays (because he died before they were born), holidays, birth of a child... those are the times I feel extra sad. It is definitely okay to cry.

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My dad died when I was 18, this year will be year 14 years, and I still miss him. For the first several years I would get really grumpy the month of his death and not figure out why until after the day passed. Now the day almost sneaks up on me and when I realize the date when I wake up that morning I feel kind of shocked that the day came again (don't really know how else to describe it). My husband never remembers the day (even though we have been together since befor my father's death), but I don't expect him to - it is just not a significant day to him personally, and that's ok. Maybe your husband doesn't understand why you still feel sad after "so long," not understanding that grief is a lifelong journey. I have a friend who lost her mom at 18 yrs old too, and we spent many hours talking about our lost parents - that was very helpful to have someone who understood and who I could talk to about the good things about my dad without her misunderstanding why this was such a big deal after so many years. It's ok to feel sad, and it's ok to miss him.

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Dead relatives dont bother me at all but I have other family members that get pretty crippled at the death anniversary times. I dont even keep track of the dates that my loved ones have died on so as NOT to ruin that day. Celebrating LIFE and not mourning death is such a healthier option. My peeps are safely tucked away in Heaven, I miss them some but mostly I'm envious that are in a dimension that I don't know yet.
Sometimes you have to mourn quietly because others just dont understand why someone would mourn for so long.... your hubby sounds like one of those types.

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I am sorry for your loss. This is the 7th anniversary of the death of my stepmothers only child. It is NOT a celebration, but "a day of remembrance". It is ok to grieve the ones we love and I think you should have a quiet day.

Some people have asked my stepmom "when she will ever get over it?".. She asks them, "when would you ever get over this type of loss?..

My husbands grandmother once told me, "there was not a day that went by that she did not think and miss her parents". They died when she was a teen... Imagine that.. So yes, it makes sense that you would miss him.

Maybe find a friend to give you a hug, or write about it in a journal or to your children like a letter, for later..

I will be sending you good thoughts..

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Both of my parents have passed. My mom had a slow drawn out alzheimers death and it took me a good 5 years to really miss her. Now I cry on July 4th because she loved and I mean she LOVED fireworks. I cry when we sing certain songs in church. I honestly don't remember the exact date of her death. I would have to go look it up. It's other things that make me cry, not the day.

My Dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly on my youngest daughter's 15th birthday. (Happy Birthday, Hannah!) So yes, I can't help but think about it. I get wistful, but rarely cry. With him, it's when I make certain meals, I'll think about how much he LOVED it when I would make it for him, or certain restaurants. I think about how much he would LOVE my 9 year old now. He was such a handful, and Dad used to tell me "If you don't get that child under control by the time he's 5, you never will, mark my words!" - and I did and he's such a good boy now!

Funny thing is, I cried for days and days after my Dad died, then gradually wouldn't cry for a day, then two, then a week, then only sometimes. Now, I haven't cried over my Dad, just feel sad sometimes. Mom, I didn't cry for a long time because it was such a stinking relief when she died, and I felt so guilty for feeling that. And now that I've gotten over that, I cry when something reminds me of the good times with her!

Big help I am, huh?

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I had my dads 10 year anniversary of death this past October we had a family get together at the college he worked for a did a balloon release with messages then went to the grave site my kids talk about him but I was only 21 when he passed so I know that I'm keeping his memory alive when they talk about him. Yes I still have my days (yesterday) was one that I was so emotional and couldn't stop thinking about how I wish he were here to make me feel better! I does get easier but you will never forget him!

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I'm sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is. My Mom was my best friend, and someone I told everything to. That being said.....

Every year is different for me. My Mom passed away from cancer 3 1/2 years ago. She left us one month before my twins were born :( I can't even enjoy mother's day because I miss her so much. She always gave me gifts because she was thankful that I made her a mother. I sobbed most of this past mother's day and was in an awful mood. I didn't however cry on her "anniversary" this year, but have the past few years. I know she's with God, and isn't sick anymore. Take peace in knowing that he's in a better place. I agree with other posts that if your husband hasn't lost a parent, that he can't relate. It doesn't excuse him for being insensitive though.

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I'm just looking at the frame around what you have said. Instead of deciding or determining that you are going to feel positive, you predetermined you would feel such a way that this day would be difficult for you. Naturally, if you think that way you are going to feel just that way too. The power of the mind is a powerful thing. Would it be possible for you to honor the memory of your father's life rather than just dwelling on the day he died? What things did he love to do? What causes did he have a passion for? Would it be possible for you to choose to do something to commemorate his life?

In my family we have new traditions we start and other things we do to celebrate the life of a loved one lost. We feed the hungry, or distribute toys to children, or gather clothes for those in need, or read the favorite childhood book to sick children, or donate time and money for disease research. Doing these things helps other people and also honors the memory of our loved ones. So while each year passes we think about that person in a different framework. We are also people of tremendouse faith so we know the eternal fate of our loved one and that helps too.

We all miss the ones we love when they die, that is normal but we don't mourn like we are hopeless but turn that mourning into a kind of joy for having the honor and priviledge of the time we have spent together while they were here and honor their memory by doing something wonderful for someone that is in need.

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I have a really hard time with Mother's Day since my mother passed. I don't think i'm going through any stages. It's just always going to be sad for me that I didn't do enough for my mother while she was alive and now I've lost the chance. I think If I ever I stop grieiving for my mother, go ahead and put me in the ground too. That means I've lost my soul.

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